Coping With Time

[Karmainthedroves]

Hey everyone,

I’m new here and this would be my first post but anyways I’m in need of some serious advice.

So, I’ve been in an LDR for about a month with the most amazing girl Ive ever met. My past has been stricken with toxicity, pain and loss when it came to previous LDRs. She has been everything in the way of helping me through my problems and assuring everything will be ok. I’m a terrible over thinker and in the back of my mind I felt something that told me “don’t get too comfortable” because all good things usually have a bad catch.

And it seems I was right...

Her home life isn’t the best. She has 3 siblings, all of who are younger, and it gets quite messy at times. For some reason, her wifi would shut off on her LAPTOP at 7pm everyday(this would be 2pm for me because of time zones) but not affect her cellphone. Her mother is very nice and I’ve spoken to her before however it’s her stepdad I worry about. He is a bit abusive to my girlfriend and he sets ridiculous boundaries for her. We used to get to talk daily, all hours of the day. FaceTime whenever we wanted as well. But now, it seems the wifi shutting off has affected her cellphone and now we can hardly speak to each other. I don’t know if it’s because of him doing so or other reasons but Her wifi usually would came back online in the early mornings for her but it hasn’t come back on for her now(so I think) and I’m at a loss.

So now we cannot speak to each other at all and have no way of contacting each other. I truly do want to be with her but I’m afraid of my problems making me lose faith in trying to keep myself in this relationship. I’m in need of some serious advice on how to fight this mess and stay patient and focused on being with her. I want to wait it out and be strong, but how? I don’t want to sound ridiculous and be weak.

Thanks in advance!

[OhioJim]

You don't say how old your SO is, or where she is located. 5 hour difference? You are in the USA and she is in the UK?

My SO is currently in the Philippines, which has the worst internet of any place that has internet, and we are currently limited to text message only. The few times we tried video chat, it would be on for only a minute or two then drop. We just have to put up with it, as I never know when she will be able to contact me.

For the WiFi cutting off, does her step father turn it off at 7pm?

For her cellphone, is it part of a "family group plan" that is in her step-father's name? Maybe he has "child-parent" control, and limits the use? If she is legally an adult, she can get her own cellphone. Is she using the cellphone on WiFi, or directly on the Cell network?

You do not say why she is at home. Is she under age? Going to school? Whatever the reason, she has to abide by the rules set by her family, but it appears from the little you said that her stepfather is being a bit too strict.

The only other advice I can give is: Don't give up! Keep trying. Things will get better. If she is of legal age and adult, then there are other options she can pursue.

There are others on this forum with worse situations. You will certainly find a lot of nice people to give you encouragement and support.

[Karmainthedroves]

You don't say how old your SO is, or where she is located. 5 hour difference? You are in the USA and she is in the UK?

My SO is currently in the Philippines, which has the worst internet of any place that has internet, and we are currently limited to text message only. The few times we tried video chat, it would be on for only a minute or two then drop. We just have to put up with it, as I never know when she will be able to contact me.

For the WiFi cutting off, does her step father turn it off at 7pm?

For her cellphone, is it part of a "family group plan" that is in her step-father's name? Maybe he has "child-parent" control, and limits the use? If she is legally an adult, she can get her own cellphone. Is she using the cellphone on WiFi, or directly on the Cell network?

You do not say why she is at home. Is she under age? Going to school? Whatever the reason, she has to abide by the rules set by her family, but it appears from the little you said that her stepfather is being a bit too strict.

The only other advice I can give is: Don't give up! Keep trying. Things will get better. If she is of legal age and adult, then there are other options she can pursue.

There are others on this forum with worse situations. You will certainly find a lot of nice people to give you encouragement and support.

Hi, thanks for responding.

She will be 18 in July and is at home because she is attending college while unable to live on her own due to only being 17. She has told me that she knows why the wifi cuts off but didn’t really explain why. I assume it’s something her stepdad has done(so does she) but it never affected her cellphone before until a few days ago so it confuses me. Unfortunately, she broke her actual cellphone and has to resort to the “family phone” which doesn’t have a data connection and all she can use it for is wifi. Her stepdad has been a bit abusive to her and I’ve witnessed it before via video calling. I’ve always encouraged to her follow the rules her mom and stepdad(him specifically) set in place because she needs to do what’s best for now until she can make her own moves.

I don’t want to sound like a needy crybaby because I know many people here have it far worse than me so that’s why I came here to find how to cope with these things better. I just really miss her and it’s hard going from talking everyday to wondering when we will speak next.

Thanks again for replying

[OhioJim]

My intent was not to belittle your situation. Far from it. Please don't take it that way.

My intent in saying that there are others on here in worse situations was to show you that you are not alone. Others have worked things out, or are working things out, and you should get encouragement from that.

When you say her step father is abusive, do you mean verbally? I hope it is not physically. He is walking a thin line there.

If she is only 17 then that is another problem. There is little she can do to get out of the situation. And you are 24, which adds to your problems. She is still classified as a child in most places. You are an adult so be extremely cautious. Just bid your time until she is 18 and then things will get easier for her.

[Karmainthedroves]

My intent was not to belittle your situation. Far from it. Please don't take it that way.

My intent in saying that there are others on here in worse situations was to show you that you are not alone. Others have worked things out, or are working things out, and you should get encouragement from that.

When you say her step father is abusive, do you mean verbally? I hope it is not physically. He is walking a thin line there.

If she is only 17 then that is another problem. There is little she can do to get out of the situation. And you are 24, which adds to your problems. She is still classified as a child in most places. You are an adult so be extremely cautious. Just bid your time until she is 18 and then things will get easier for her.

Oh, no I understood what you meant. No offence taken. I’m still trying to detour from my ugly past with LDRs so that’s pretty much the biggest reason why I just feel ridiculous sometimes but it brings me some comfort to know I’m not the only person with such problems.

On the other hand, she has told me he has beaten her before for stupid reasons and she’s told me she fears for her life and I have told her the same thing as you told me. Since she is 17, there is little I can do. I told her to just try to do the right thing and just follow whatever guidelines her parents set for her. I’m Taking it day by day and her and I both know there’s nothing I nor she can do until she’s 18.

It’s just I become so overwhelmed when routine things change even the slightest bit, especially when it comes to my relationships. I will try to stay level headed and not be a crybaby because I tend to be that way.

Thanks for your advice.

[OhioJim]

....On the other hand, she has told me he has beaten her before for stupid reasons and she’s told me she fears for her life...

Oh, really??? This is serious.

You don't say what country she is in.

But here in the USA that is called child abuse, and is enough for charges to be filed against her step father. Even if she is underage, she can still go to the police, protective services, or school counselor and get help in a case like this, and possibly be placed in a safer home.

Does her mother know about this? And she hasn't done anything? She might also face charges

You should encourage your SO to do whatever she can to get some help and get out of that dangerous situation.

[Karmainthedroves]

Oh, really??? This is serious.

You don't say what country she is in.

But here in the USA that is called child abuse, and is enough for charges to be filed against her step father. Even if she is underage, she can still go to the police, protective services, or school counselor and get help in a case like this, and possibly be placed in a safer home.

Does her mother know about this? And she hasn't done anything? She might also face charges

You should encourage your SO to do whatever she can to get some help and get out of that dangerous situation.

She is in the UK.

Also, I’ve told her about that too. Trying to get help in her area but due to her past decisions in life she feels like she deserves the said treatment she gets. It’s a difficult situation. Her mother may or may not know, I’m unsure. But I have finally gotten into contact with my SO today.

Her stepdad has banned her from the phone and we only can talk 3 days a week now when she’s at her college. We’re figuring out where to go from here but I will continue to encourage her to try to seek help while she’s there.

[OhioJim]

.... but due to her past decisions in life she feels like she deserves the said treatment she gets. It’s a difficult situation.....

Nobody deserves to be beaten to the point where they feel their life is threatened.

She needs help! NOW! She needs to talk to a counselor or clergy about what is happening, and about her own feelings. Is there someone at her college she can talk to?

What she needs to do is forgive herself. Tell her that. That is a very hard thing for most people to do. She needs to do that if she is going to move forward and get out of her very dangerous situation.

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She is in the UK, so you must be in the eastern USA with the 5 hour time difference?