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Unfamiliar Territory

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    Unfamiliar Territory

    New to the forum...first post. Not even sure where to begin.

    I'll start by saying that I'm in a marriage that has been loveless for about two and a half years. The two of us have been living in opposite ends of the house for a bit longer than that even. I guess the reason I haven't divorced her already is because of the familiarity...if that makes sense. That, and the fact that I've never had any reason to act on that...until now.

    Last year as the country was going into the shutdown, I bought a PlayStation 4...for something to do. I began playing a western game online and met a few people that became close friends over the span of a few months. I got particularly close to one girl in particular...I'll refer to her as "Rhiannon",after her favorite Fleetwood Mac song. "Rhiannon" and I connected almost immediately and considered each other to be best friends. I never hid from her the fact that I was married, although I did pass myself off as "happily married" so that she wouldn't feel like I was one of those guys that was always pursuing women online. A couple of months later, another female, that I had played with a couple of times, met up with out group of regulars. One of the guys in the group began messaging her...and, according to her, began sending her unsolicited pictures of "himself" to her. She came to me asking me what I had gotten her into. I was pissed off, because I felt responsible in a way, having introduced her into the group. The group split up over that, with me leaving and "Rhiannon" following.

    Things became a bit strained between "Rhiannon" and me...she partially blamed me for the group split. She pulled away from me and met another guy. After a while, they began talking outside the game and things quickly went sideways. She came to me and told me some of it...apparently he had said or some something that hurt her pretty badly.
    It hurt me to see her hurting...and that was about the time that I came to the realization that I was in love with her. The very thought that I could be in love with this girl scared the hell outta me. After all, I'm 51 years old and live in NC...she is 29 and lives in Chicago. (I never hid my age from her.). What the hell did I have to offer a woman 22 years my junior?
    I opted not to tell her how I felt. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would get, and that scares me more than the knowledge that I had fallen for her. I was at war in my own mind...trying not to feel, while feeling...if that makes sense.
    Although I had quit drinking years before, I killed a bottle of Jack Daniels one Saturday night-Sinday morning and drink messaged her...told her how I felt, but suggested that we no longer play the game together. Her response let me know that she was crushed...and that made me feel worst than ever. We had next-to-no contact for the next couple of weeks. When we finally did reconnect, I told her that I had misinterpreted my feelings...and that they were more like love for her as a sister. (I was lying, of course...but I had assumed that she didn't reach out to me for weeks because she was uncomfortable with me feeling live for her.) During that time, the other female (the other person that "Rhiannon" blamed for the group split) messages me wanting to play some. I made the poor choice of spending a couple of days with her in the game. "Rhiannon" found out and was livid. Came at me in a private message, telling me that I was a snake, we were done etc. This was recently...Tuesday Feb 9, 2021.
    The prospect of losing her forever sent a pain through my heart like I have ne.ver experienced. I dropped the walls that is built around my heart. I put everything on the table...told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. No response.
    On Wednesday morning (10th), I messaged again...opening my heart a little more. No response. Same scenario on Thursday the 11th. Nothing.
    Thursday night was a sleepless night. At 4:00am (3:00 her time) on Friday the 12th, I posted what I believed would be my final message.
    "I can't sleep because, every time I close my eyes, I see you."
    Almost immediately, she responded with a selfie. We messaged for a few minutes. She admitted to feeling that I had betrayed he by playing with with this other female that had been caused the drama that broke up our group. She said that she felt as though she didn't know or trust me any more...and that she hated that feeling.

    I responded to some of her remarks and added that I was not expecting her to be awake...and certainly wasn't .expecting a response. She said that she was rereading my messages and I popped up. Said she took it as a sign that we were "connected still". I agree that there was a reason that she was still here...and I was still here. After all, I'd made a mess of things over and over during the previous month.
    She suggested that we take our chats from PS game chat to messenger. We have spent the last 8-9 days messaging back and forth. Having been honest with myself and her...and knowing that my love for her was finally out there...my head was cleared and all was going well.
    Two nights ago, we messaged for a while. She told me that she had feelings for me, but wasn't ready to let them out yet. She said that she had had a relationship with a married man previously, had a child by him and had been erased like she was nothing. She stated that married men never leave their wives, no matter what they say.
    I told her that the only reason I was still in the same house was that I'd never had a reason to leave it...until now. We messaged into Friday night and for quite a while yesterday.
    Last night, I began overthinking things and made the mistake of sending a message, questioning something that she had said earlier. Things have been tense all day today.
    Did I not learn anything from the month I spent overthinking, and screwing up, before?

    I realize that this was a long ass post...but I have no one I can talk to about this and needed to unload it somewhere.

    Here are my questions:
    How do I turn off the overthinking?
    How do I make myself quit trying to read her and overanalyze her words and actions?
    How do I learn to simply trust in the feelings that I know I have, and that she says are there for her as well?

    In other words, how do get out of my own head and quit screwing up the best thing that has happened to me in a long time?

    #2
    Hi there,

    I read your post, and I am sorry that you are going through this kind of anguish. Relationships that build online can often be nerve-wracking because of the distance and the worry about misunderstandings etc. From the sounds of things, you both have complicated lives off of the internet. You are still married and sharing a house with your wife, and you said that she is a single Mom with a child. Neither of these situations makes it easy to progress with your online relationship.

    So, perhaps just try to keep things in perspective and continue getting to know her and enjoying that journey of discovery. If you both decide you want to take your relationship further, then you will have other things to work through first. If it is meant to be, it will be. If you keep worrying about it, you will make it very hard to enjoy getting to know her or finding out the potential of your connection. I wish you all the best, and definitely reach out on the forum if you need more support.
    "The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again".
    -Charles Dickens

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      #3
      I don't get it...she keeps telling me that she doesn't feel that she trusts me after what I did. Yet, she brought our chats to messenger. She shared her full name with me. Sent me pictures of her daughters. Opened up about past relationships.
      Why? Why would she send pictures of her kids to someone she says she doesn't trust? I'm terribly confused at this point.

      Comment


        #4
        Just ask her why.

        Comment


          #5
          Hey colt_steele,

          just on a little side note...my SO is 22 years my senior. We also met online in a game. Never skipped a day talking since we met 4 years and 2 months ago. Don't worry too much, about what you can give her. I love my SO for his age and all that comes with it. Life experience, calmness, kindness. I love him with his wonderful soul, not his age.
          Am I worried we're running out of time because his so much older and might die before me and with that pandemic going and all that? Oh yes, I am. But I still wouldn't want to miss this wonderful time with him and the joy of getting to spend every day with my favorite person. After all, I might even die before him.
          My SO worried a lot like you do with the difference that I didn't know his real age or life circumstances for quite a while although I always suspected that things weren't adding up. So it's great, that you've been honest with your girl.
          Nevertheless I think you should start to sort out things and think about your future. Not only because you're in love, but in general. My SO is living in the same circumstances as you are. Loveless marriage for a long time. Same house, but separated. I believe him, because I see and hear how they interact. But things would be a lot easier already if he had sorted out all this when it occured and before we met. Because of this we haven't been able to meet yet in person which is causing problems with the pandemic now, because we're missing that one required meeting. It was planned for May 1st last year, but of course got canceled.

          Having said all that...I don't regret a single day with my SO. We had tense moments because he wasn't completely honest from the beginning, but I made mistakes too. Different ones.

          Other than him, I left my ex-husband 3 months after I met my SO, because I wanted to clear things. I see that it is more complicated for him. I know the reasons now. I still wish it would be different, but that's life. We can't always rush and force things. And our relationship foundation is solid despite the circumstances.

          I'm a firm believer in things happened if and when they are meant to be. Doesn't mean you are helpless and can't do anything.
          Right now you can think about your life and how you want it to be. Do you still want to be in that loveless marriage 10 years from now if there's no other reason than familiarity?

          I didn't think I could have a relationship without physical contact. But I'm living it and it has been the best relationship ever. It takes time to get to know each other and in a way I'm grateful for all the obstacles we had and have and that we were forced to solve it without beein together in person. With every thing we worked through, our trust in each other grew. Still does.
          Take your time. Let your relationship unfold. It's a wonderful thing that you fell in love!

          Both of you bring baggage into the relationship. This is something that often is unseen I think. Don't overthink why she would send you pictures of her daughters, just enjoy that she did and she trusted you with this! Every little bit counts.
          My SO had extreme trust issues in the beginning...the reason why he wasn't honest with me. He was scared that I would hurt him. Like other people before. I understand now why after spending so much time with him.

          I hope you can work through everything with patience, love and understanding.

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