New to the forum...first post. Not even sure where to begin.
I'll start by saying that I'm in a marriage that has been loveless for about two and a half years. The two of us have been living in opposite ends of the house for a bit longer than that even. I guess the reason I haven't divorced her already is because of the familiarity...if that makes sense. That, and the fact that I've never had any reason to act on that...until now.
Last year as the country was going into the shutdown, I bought a PlayStation 4...for something to do. I began playing a western game online and met a few people that became close friends over the span of a few months. I got particularly close to one girl in particular...I'll refer to her as "Rhiannon",after her favorite Fleetwood Mac song. "Rhiannon" and I connected almost immediately and considered each other to be best friends. I never hid from her the fact that I was married, although I did pass myself off as "happily married" so that she wouldn't feel like I was one of those guys that was always pursuing women online. A couple of months later, another female, that I had played with a couple of times, met up with out group of regulars. One of the guys in the group began messaging her...and, according to her, began sending her unsolicited pictures of "himself" to her. She came to me asking me what I had gotten her into. I was pissed off, because I felt responsible in a way, having introduced her into the group. The group split up over that, with me leaving and "Rhiannon" following.
Things became a bit strained between "Rhiannon" and me...she partially blamed me for the group split. She pulled away from me and met another guy. After a while, they began talking outside the game and things quickly went sideways. She came to me and told me some of it...apparently he had said or some something that hurt her pretty badly.
It hurt me to see her hurting...and that was about the time that I came to the realization that I was in love with her. The very thought that I could be in love with this girl scared the hell outta me. After all, I'm 51 years old and live in NC...she is 29 and lives in Chicago. (I never hid my age from her.). What the hell did I have to offer a woman 22 years my junior?
I opted not to tell her how I felt. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would get, and that scares me more than the knowledge that I had fallen for her. I was at war in my own mind...trying not to feel, while feeling...if that makes sense.
Although I had quit drinking years before, I killed a bottle of Jack Daniels one Saturday night-Sinday morning and drink messaged her...told her how I felt, but suggested that we no longer play the game together. Her response let me know that she was crushed...and that made me feel worst than ever. We had next-to-no contact for the next couple of weeks. When we finally did reconnect, I told her that I had misinterpreted my feelings...and that they were more like love for her as a sister. (I was lying, of course...but I had assumed that she didn't reach out to me for weeks because she was uncomfortable with me feeling live for her.) During that time, the other female (the other person that "Rhiannon" blamed for the group split) messages me wanting to play some. I made the poor choice of spending a couple of days with her in the game. "Rhiannon" found out and was livid. Came at me in a private message, telling me that I was a snake, we were done etc. This was recently...Tuesday Feb 9, 2021.
The prospect of losing her forever sent a pain through my heart like I have ne.ver experienced. I dropped the walls that is built around my heart. I put everything on the table...told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. No response.
On Wednesday morning (10th), I messaged again...opening my heart a little more. No response. Same scenario on Thursday the 11th. Nothing.
Thursday night was a sleepless night. At 4:00am (3:00 her time) on Friday the 12th, I posted what I believed would be my final message.
"I can't sleep because, every time I close my eyes, I see you."
Almost immediately, she responded with a selfie. We messaged for a few minutes. She admitted to feeling that I had betrayed he by playing with with this other female that had been caused the drama that broke up our group. She said that she felt as though she didn't know or trust me any more...and that she hated that feeling.
I responded to some of her remarks and added that I was not expecting her to be awake...and certainly wasn't .expecting a response. She said that she was rereading my messages and I popped up. Said she took it as a sign that we were "connected still". I agree that there was a reason that she was still here...and I was still here. After all, I'd made a mess of things over and over during the previous month.
She suggested that we take our chats from PS game chat to messenger. We have spent the last 8-9 days messaging back and forth. Having been honest with myself and her...and knowing that my love for her was finally out there...my head was cleared and all was going well.
Two nights ago, we messaged for a while. She told me that she had feelings for me, but wasn't ready to let them out yet. She said that she had had a relationship with a married man previously, had a child by him and had been erased like she was nothing. She stated that married men never leave their wives, no matter what they say.
I told her that the only reason I was still in the same house was that I'd never had a reason to leave it...until now. We messaged into Friday night and for quite a while yesterday.
Last night, I began overthinking things and made the mistake of sending a message, questioning something that she had said earlier. Things have been tense all day today.
Did I not learn anything from the month I spent overthinking, and screwing up, before?
I realize that this was a long ass post...but I have no one I can talk to about this and needed to unload it somewhere.
Here are my questions:
How do I turn off the overthinking?
How do I make myself quit trying to read her and overanalyze her words and actions?
How do I learn to simply trust in the feelings that I know I have, and that she says are there for her as well?
In other words, how do get out of my own head and quit screwing up the best thing that has happened to me in a long time?
I'll start by saying that I'm in a marriage that has been loveless for about two and a half years. The two of us have been living in opposite ends of the house for a bit longer than that even. I guess the reason I haven't divorced her already is because of the familiarity...if that makes sense. That, and the fact that I've never had any reason to act on that...until now.
Last year as the country was going into the shutdown, I bought a PlayStation 4...for something to do. I began playing a western game online and met a few people that became close friends over the span of a few months. I got particularly close to one girl in particular...I'll refer to her as "Rhiannon",after her favorite Fleetwood Mac song. "Rhiannon" and I connected almost immediately and considered each other to be best friends. I never hid from her the fact that I was married, although I did pass myself off as "happily married" so that she wouldn't feel like I was one of those guys that was always pursuing women online. A couple of months later, another female, that I had played with a couple of times, met up with out group of regulars. One of the guys in the group began messaging her...and, according to her, began sending her unsolicited pictures of "himself" to her. She came to me asking me what I had gotten her into. I was pissed off, because I felt responsible in a way, having introduced her into the group. The group split up over that, with me leaving and "Rhiannon" following.
Things became a bit strained between "Rhiannon" and me...she partially blamed me for the group split. She pulled away from me and met another guy. After a while, they began talking outside the game and things quickly went sideways. She came to me and told me some of it...apparently he had said or some something that hurt her pretty badly.
It hurt me to see her hurting...and that was about the time that I came to the realization that I was in love with her. The very thought that I could be in love with this girl scared the hell outta me. After all, I'm 51 years old and live in NC...she is 29 and lives in Chicago. (I never hid my age from her.). What the hell did I have to offer a woman 22 years my junior?
I opted not to tell her how I felt. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would get, and that scares me more than the knowledge that I had fallen for her. I was at war in my own mind...trying not to feel, while feeling...if that makes sense.
Although I had quit drinking years before, I killed a bottle of Jack Daniels one Saturday night-Sinday morning and drink messaged her...told her how I felt, but suggested that we no longer play the game together. Her response let me know that she was crushed...and that made me feel worst than ever. We had next-to-no contact for the next couple of weeks. When we finally did reconnect, I told her that I had misinterpreted my feelings...and that they were more like love for her as a sister. (I was lying, of course...but I had assumed that she didn't reach out to me for weeks because she was uncomfortable with me feeling live for her.) During that time, the other female (the other person that "Rhiannon" blamed for the group split) messages me wanting to play some. I made the poor choice of spending a couple of days with her in the game. "Rhiannon" found out and was livid. Came at me in a private message, telling me that I was a snake, we were done etc. This was recently...Tuesday Feb 9, 2021.
The prospect of losing her forever sent a pain through my heart like I have ne.ver experienced. I dropped the walls that is built around my heart. I put everything on the table...told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. No response.
On Wednesday morning (10th), I messaged again...opening my heart a little more. No response. Same scenario on Thursday the 11th. Nothing.
Thursday night was a sleepless night. At 4:00am (3:00 her time) on Friday the 12th, I posted what I believed would be my final message.
"I can't sleep because, every time I close my eyes, I see you."
Almost immediately, she responded with a selfie. We messaged for a few minutes. She admitted to feeling that I had betrayed he by playing with with this other female that had been caused the drama that broke up our group. She said that she felt as though she didn't know or trust me any more...and that she hated that feeling.
I responded to some of her remarks and added that I was not expecting her to be awake...and certainly wasn't .expecting a response. She said that she was rereading my messages and I popped up. Said she took it as a sign that we were "connected still". I agree that there was a reason that she was still here...and I was still here. After all, I'd made a mess of things over and over during the previous month.
She suggested that we take our chats from PS game chat to messenger. We have spent the last 8-9 days messaging back and forth. Having been honest with myself and her...and knowing that my love for her was finally out there...my head was cleared and all was going well.
Two nights ago, we messaged for a while. She told me that she had feelings for me, but wasn't ready to let them out yet. She said that she had had a relationship with a married man previously, had a child by him and had been erased like she was nothing. She stated that married men never leave their wives, no matter what they say.
I told her that the only reason I was still in the same house was that I'd never had a reason to leave it...until now. We messaged into Friday night and for quite a while yesterday.
Last night, I began overthinking things and made the mistake of sending a message, questioning something that she had said earlier. Things have been tense all day today.
Did I not learn anything from the month I spent overthinking, and screwing up, before?
I realize that this was a long ass post...but I have no one I can talk to about this and needed to unload it somewhere.
Here are my questions:
How do I turn off the overthinking?
How do I make myself quit trying to read her and overanalyze her words and actions?
How do I learn to simply trust in the feelings that I know I have, and that she says are there for her as well?
In other words, how do get out of my own head and quit screwing up the best thing that has happened to me in a long time?
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