Take a break, break up or is there another solution?

[Jenshirecat]

Hey everyone

so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 months now. And this week we had a minor fight, but suddenly my boyfriend wants to throw it all away (...for now, at least. He said he wants to try again).

A reason for it is that I'm dealing with depression, I'm doing my best to work on it though (I have weekly therapy sessions, I managed to put every additional stress on hold -like minimising my household chores and I'm taking medication). But my boyfriend likes to blame everything on my depression and even likes to come up with new mental disorders I apparently have (which I don't appreciate, because I'd say I know myself better than him and my therapist and psychologist would probably have told me).

So we had many difficulties to face since we met 2 years ago and I've supported him, while he was facing medical issues (he suspected to have cancer).

Also I must say I feel a little betrayed too, because I sticked with him, whenever he felt bad (for a year, even when we weren't in a relationship, I missed out on work, to be reachable when he had MRTs and to spend the time with him, when he was waiting for diagnosis) but now whenever I'm not feeling well he's really cold. He literally counts down the time he gives me (5,4,3,2,1...) and then hangs up and turns off his phone. He blames me right now for having a headache himself. He says it's my fault. And that's also why he wants a break.

So like mentioned before for him it's either a break or breakup (and getting back together at a later point). I don't really fancy the idea of not talking for an undefined time (which he said will be at least a couple of months).

Can someone tell me, if I'm just being to clingy, for not agreeing with these ideas? (I mean if he wants to break up he can, but he cannot keep me waiting for him).

Also do you have other ideas I could propose to him? He says he wants to take better care of himself, which I've never hindered him to do. I usually cheered him on, and I was even the reason for him to finally go to bed earlier and get 7-8 hours of sleep.

I'm feeling so torn, can someone help, please? Because I really love him a lot. But I'm just not sure what to do.

I wouldn't be lost if he broke up either, so I'm not clinging onto this relationship, because I think I couldn't handle my life alone. I know I can. Even though I'm in a tight spot.

I just want to hold on, because he's a great man (besides what I told above). And if he wasn't talking about a break or breakup, I wouldn't mind the bad things, because no one is perfect.

Thank you for your help.

[OhioJim]

Here's my take on your situation...

You ask him directly if he wants to break up. And tell him that you don't NEED him, but you WANT him. And that you can get along without him, but you STILL LOVE HIM AND DON"T WANT TO BREAK UP. The decision his.

That way you will know one way or the other what his desires are.

Remember that the best relationships are when the two people WANT each other, not NEED each other.

[lelyta]

I just want to hold on, because he's a great man (besides what I told above). And if he wasn't talking about a break or breakup, I wouldn't mind the bad things, because no one is perfect.

Thank you for your help.

Oh, honey, you deserve better! None can be that bad if he loves and cares about you enough! I hope you keep helping and serving yourself first... Your mental health should be your first priority right now.

[D_M]

"my boyfriend likes to blame everything on my depression and even likes to come up with new mental disorders I apparently have"

This to me is a red flag, especially if you suffer from depression already - it feels like kicking you when you are down.
My ex used to do this sort of labeling and blaming and we finally broke up (divorcing now) and I knew that it was the right thing to do but years too late. I can see there was a lot of toxicity in that relationship and I'd stayed in it far too long (We went through months of counseling and it only got worse.).
So if your SO is acting like this now, I'm very wary of you wasting YEARS of your life with someone who isn't a good fit for you and just isn't right for you.
I think it fair to say you would be happier with someone who is affirming, and uplifiting, willing to stand with you and give you strength when times are tough... (and all the other stuff) but it I don't think it sounds like you have that.

I would break up, or accept a break, but if the latter, take that time to evaluate what the relationship gives you, does it make you feel better.

I'd definitely rather be on my own than with my ex. And also, there is that thought that if you want new and better things in your life you have to make room.
Now I am in a much healthier happier relationship, in love and excited for the future... and you could be too.
Take care. Be strong. Be true to yourself.

[MsGrim]

I agree with D_M. His behavior towards you is toxic and definitely NOT something you should be dealing with in any relationship, especially if you are also dealing with depression. Those who play the blame game normally don't do well in relationships because its a team effort. Its not really fair that you put in the time and effort to try and be supportive of someone when they cannot do the same for you. See where he stands with you, make him answer you directly. Its the only way you're going to figure out the next step.

I'm not one to agree with "taking a break" I just don't feel as if it does any good for a relationship, but that's just me and I understand that you may feel differently. Do what you think is right. Its great to do right by your SO but you have to put yourself first..

[Valk the resurrected]

I believe that you should leave him since this kind of behavior is disguisting, and there could be a thousand of reasons lying under behaving like this.

which he said will be at least a couple of months

It doesn't make any sense for anyone to want a break for "at least a couple of months", I think that he wants to break up but he doesn't want to be the one who ends the relationship.

Anyway, none of these make any sense because you need to focus on a one, simple thing in order to make your decision.

Relationships are here to make us feel happy, safe, comfortable and such. There is no meaning to continue unless you are feeling this way. There are tons of people outside, one who treats you this way and makes you feel anxious, on the top of it does it while you are in depression and need some warmness doesn't look like a good choice.