Need advice on sudden behavior change from boyfriend

[Jen72]

You are not alone . Im like that at times and my man talks me down. Hes recently gone back to school to get a better qualification. So my issues have been hightened. Im jealous , insecure and totally thinking hes going to leave me . Its a horrible feeling .so i get clingy and need his reassuranse even more than usual . The reason im telling you this is im getting therapy now and i couldnt of got there without being ready . Until my partner came into my life i avoided relationships . So dont give up on your self try and see that its ok to feel like this . But getting help is a healthy thing . I totally get how you are feeling . Stay positive and remember that its ok to not be perfect . Be nice to your self ❤️

[D_M]

The saga continues it seems....

I finally got an answer tonight as to why my bf has been distant, and I’m now questioning myself.

Look I wanna run stuff and hangout on the game and text and all that but I don’t wanna get into the spot where when we voice me leaving is a huge issue. I guess that’s what got me into this and why I’m nervous about voicing too. You always got upset if I wasn’t around. It was way too clingy than what I’m comfortable with. But I really like you. I tried to do that. But it only got worse and worse. To the point where I would come to bed tired one weekend after work and you would ask me what made me tired. Like I went out and partied or something. Work made me tired. I always felt blamed for something I didn’t do. That’s what’s going on with me. I just wanted some breathing room. I should have said something I agree but I wanted you to be happy.

It’s true when he would go out I’d get sad a little, but I’m also a very emotional person and it’s something I’ve tried to control my whole life. I didn’t realize I was doing any of this and he never said as much to me about it. If I’d have known I would have tried harder to catch myself. I don’t want to be toxic but that’s exactly how this sounds.

Firstly, you're not toxic, no. So drop that thought in the compost bin to grow mushrooms in ;-)

I actually think this is really good. I know it is hard to read but at least now you know, so you can understand better what he is going through. Good communication isn't always about expressing love and positives unfortunately and his communication has been very bad. Not it got a little better. I think if he didn't tell you this, your relationship was about to end. Now you have something to build upon.

Personally, I can be clingy too and when my SO is away or I don't hear from her for a few days I feel my anxiety grow and I can get shitty, so I understand what it's like. I don't like this part of me and I rarely express it to her. It's annoying and I get sick of my own inner dialogue of overthinking.
It comes from a place of insecurity and fear and has a lot to do with my past experiences and how I interpret HER actions/words etc through the prism of MY past... (That's very poetical and I haven't even had my coffee

When we voice chat it is always my SO that ends the call. And I don't know why. It might be 5am and I should have ended the call hours ago for the sake of sleep but I feel like, maybe a bit lost without her, and afraid that when we hang up I don't know when I'll see her again? I don't know, but either way she has expressed to me that she feels mean being the one to always end the call and I guess that's not fair. Reading your experience reminds me I really should get a handle on that.

And that's all it is, getting a handle on insecurity and that clingyness that can make our SOs feel suffocated or blamed or under pressure.... It definitely does NOT make you toxic.
Think about how you want to make your SO feel, you probably want to make him feel loved, uplifted and supported. I imagine you feel terrible that he feels blamed when he leaves the chat.
Think of a way you can be that makes him feel valued for the time you've just spent together and not blamed for ending it. I need to do the same. Probably we all do to an extent because LDRs are hard, and we get tired, fatigued, insecure... and we're only human.

Anyway, blah blah blah, so I'll finish up but one last thought. I think I have changed as a person, become a better man, through my relationship with my SO. And I hope to continue doing that until I am in my eighties and beyond. Some of that has been learning to be less clingy or insecure, being a better partner. Your SO has given you a little sign post. Take it for what helps you become a better you.
Also, get goods sleep, eat well, and focus on giving yourself good quality time when you're away from your SO. This is very important. You are 2 full people on a see saw and it needs to be balanced, both together and individually.

I hope my ramblings made sense. I'm off to make a coffee :-D I hope everything works out well for you Lostinthecobwebs. I think now you can have some hope :-)

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Thank you Jen and DM for your responses. I really appreciate the advice and word of encouragement/experience you both shared.

I suppose I’m kinda in shock and at an impasse at this. I thanked him for telling me and have been off radar since. He’s done the same and frankly I am not sure what to do. I have a past that he knows about with my ex-husband gaslighting me the last two years of my marriage so when things seem out of place my instincts kick into high alert. He knows this and until now always said if I felt like that to tell him. He also encouraged me to be around because I would ask him if I was being too clingy or if he needed a break and he would always say no. I get from that text he might have been doing that to make me happy but if it leads to this, I don’t want him to.

Now I’m just going to be worried he’s doing things because he feels he has to. It also doesn’t feel right that he still wants to text and game, but not talk to me. Maybe I’m overthinking things.

I apologize for being all over the place with my posts. I feel like I’m grasping at straws.

[D_M]

I think keep of the radar a bit and give yourself a break. It's tough and you could probably do with some time to yourself.
Gaslighting is the worst thing. Did you tell him you feel like you've been gaslighted? DOes he realise how it is affecting you? Maybe he doesn't.
Re clingyness, is is possible he just got to his limit? I don't mean that to sound harsh, butif he doesn't mind normally, maybe he was being sincere when he told you that but over time it escalated.
I know there are times for me where I find that I am very needy for some signs of affection from my OS. But I have noticed sometimes that it can feel that nothing is enough and at those times I become aware there's something wrong with me so I try and back off.
Don't worry about feeling all over the place with your posts. I think a few of us are going through it at the moment. Maybe there's something in the air lol

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

I think keep of the radar a bit and give yourself a break. It's tough and you could probably do with some time to yourself.
Gaslighting is the worst thing. Did you tell him you feel like you've been gaslighted? DOes he realise how it is affecting you? Maybe he doesn't.
Re clingyness, is is possible he just got to his limit? I don't mean that to sound harsh, butif he doesn't mind normally, maybe he was being sincere when he told you that but over time it escalated.
I know there are times for me where I find that I am very needy for some signs of affection from my OS. But I have noticed sometimes that it can feel that nothing is enough and at those times I become aware there's something wrong with me so I try and back off.
Don't worry about feeling all over the place with your posts. I think a few of us are going through it at the moment. Maybe there's something in the air lol

I agree, there must be something going around lol.

I have told him before and that was a huge mistake because he got super offended by it. I’ve not done it since and just tried to calm myself down when it came up after that. As for the clingy part it’s possible but we were doing the same routine every day for the past year so I don’t know what dynamics could have changed in just a few days that would make him react like this other than I got nervous because he was acting distant and different all the sudden. He was making it seem like he got no ‘me’ time but I would go out of my way at times to make sure he did and half the time he’d complain how bored he was.

[Jen72]

There is something in the air for sure , soon a full moon in aries. And we just had a major shift iwith planets . He he so its been a time to let go of old hurts and pain. I think we need a group chat ? Is there a group chat function here

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

There is something in the air for sure , soon a full moon in aries. And we just had a major shift iwith planets . He he so its been a time to let go of old hurts and pain. I think we need a group chat ? Is there a group chat function here

Wish there was Jen! Would be awesome to chat in real time 😄

[Jen72]

I actually dont know how to PM here so ive u PM me then we can perhaps talk

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

I actually dont know how to PM here so ive u PM me then we can perhaps talk

I’m not sure how to either actually lol. Though I have to go to bed soon for work. 😕

[Jen72]

Thats ok, we will figure it out . Out of curiosity which country are ubin ? The US ?

[vivid_idea]

Hi Lostinthecobwebs, there is definitely something in the air!

I am doing the exact same thing with my SO. Being clingy and emotional and he has told me he has had enough of it.

It’s the worst feeling when they pull away because it escalates all your insecurities to begin with. I totally totally get it. I love my SO and have to go into full damage control. Meaning, backing off, giving him space, and only positive vibes.

Keep in touch and let me know how you go!

[Lostinthecobbwebs]

Hi Lostinthecobwebs, there is definitely something in the air!

I am doing the exact same thing with my SO. Being clingy and emotional and he has told me he has had enough of it.

It’s the worst feeling when they pull away because it escalates all your insecurities to begin with. I totally totally get it. I love my SO and have to go into full damage control. Meaning, backing off, giving him space, and only positive vibes.

Keep in touch and let me know how you go!

It really is the worst feeling. I’ve been off the radar with him until tonight when he texted me in a panic about heart flutters. His friend took him to the hospital and turns out he had afib which explain the fatigue he head been complaining about lately. But with the time apart and all this thinking I’ve done it’s just raised more questions and made me wonder things. I’m definitely going to be here for him with this afib thing but I can’t help but wonder if it didn’t happen would he have reached out? I know that sounds horrible of me to say but I guess that’s where my mind is.

I’m sorry to hear your going through your SO pulling away, vivid. I hope things get resolved soon for you.

[vivid_idea]

I think more to the point, YOU were the one he reached out to. That already says a lot. Try to look at it from that angle, and definitely be as supportive as you can be

[Jen72]

Its in the air for sure, astroligicaly speaking its been in the air for about a month now , go check out @leahwhitehorse on instagram her astrology is spot on . She can be found on FB , and other places too. Hm i see that many off us are experiencing the same things right now , pull me push see saw effect . This is a turnung point for self reflection.the defib is so sad , i hope you guys get through it , hes reached out and thats good , so just be loving right now and supportive is what GF are for .. we rock ❤️so sorry to here about your man . Vivid ,Germany right now is so high with Covid the whole country is feeling it . I today am going deep to remember why and how i feel in love with my man . I did because he loves me , he has travelled twice all the way from Australia because he loves me . Before i met him i couldnt even get a guy to travel an hour in a car . So all these silly ideas ive bern thinking I have to stop them for my own sanity and the love of my relationship . Its not always perfect , but hes not around Im lonely , but without him im lonely. I seriously have never been loved like this . So why am I worried . ? So lets remember together the beautiful things , the laughter and the love . Hm healing is needed right now , not more separation . I love my SO and he loves me .. lets consentrate on love and all the other things will pass . Im sure of it .❤️❤️❤️

[vivid_idea]

Thank you Jen, beautiful post.

Yes must remember the love and all the good things. You are the same as me, although my man flew in the opposite direction. Twice from Germany to Australia because he loves me. Gosh sometimes all it takes is to consciously remind ourselves where our love has gotten us. When we come from a place of love and not fear, good things find us.

We are both so lucky to have men that have flown half the world for us! Amazing!

P.S. I think SO and I will be ok. I am going to keep with the support and the love. It's time for me to grow and learn from my mistakes and not hold onto thought patterns that don't serve me well.