Not doing amazing

[vivid_idea]

Hi everyone,

I’m not doing that great lately. Having those thoughts that LDR is too hard. We haven’t seen each other in over a year now. I spent a day with my friends today and they all have husbands who come along and it made me feel lonelier than usual. Their husbands are there, in the flesh, with smiles on their faces. Mine is a world away.

I’ve been pretty messed up with my SO because of it. I am needy and clingy and causing conflict for no good reason. We had a pretty bad fight yesterday and I feel like we are both facing an impasse. Basically he would like to see me makeup for a lot of drama I have caused in the past and I find it very difficult to be expressive when he is more reserved. He has been more reserved for months now. It is our new (old) norm. He says it is because there has been too much back and forth with me and so now he is more “neutral”. He is still around but the closeness we had in the beginning has slowly faded more and more. We fight and that causes more pain which distances us further, it is a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to break.

I struggle with intimacy at the best of times and so this situation is a real killer for me. It’s hard to be close to someone even when there is gentleness, openness and vulnerability, let alone when the other takes a step away from me, too.

I also know that in terms of my love language, I am very much a loving touch and acts of service kind of partner. I like to be able to hug and give massages and hold hands as signs of affection. Or I like to do mundane tasks like making a snack or coffee or tidying up a work table, folding clothes etc as a sign of my love. These are things I cannot do over the distance and so I feel very frustrated sometimes. It’s always words, words, words and sometimes I feel like I am drowning in them.

My SO doesn’t seem to understand. He just wants me to make things better. He says I have a victim mentality and he has reached his limit of it. I feel lonely with him lately and I don’t know what to do to make things better. Sadly, when things get better I get more clingy and that creates more problems. I almost feel a reprieve when we argue because it forces me to take some distance. Please tell me how messed up that is and what I can do to feel better. I feel like I need a friend right now, not one who has a husband wrapped around her lol

Sorry for ranting, it’s just been a hard few days.

[D_M]

Hi Vivid_Idea,
I really feel for you. I am also at a point where I am so fatigued by this LDR and my SO pulling away and I am about to see her in 2 weeks so I can't imagine how much harder it is for you with up to a year (hopefully sooner) to wait.
I wish I knew what a good solution was for you. I do think clinginess is bad even though I suffer from it myself. And when my SO pulls back I am in pain. I try not to appear clingy and sometimes I feel like I'm being walked over like a door mat because I am not pulling her up on her behavior (cancelling vid chats at late notice) that hurts me. I think she is going through anxiety too but the way it affects her is she feels low and doesn't want to chat and pulls away.
Both things are bad, especially in LDR.
So I know it can be really hard. It is really hard for your SO if you push him away or express your stress through attacks, in which case I can understand his "neutral" comment. But I know you don't want this. Maybe it's a time to throw extra focus into your life here and what's around you to take focus away from your SO.
I feel like I need to do something like that too.
Feel free to PM me if you want.

[Jen72]

Dear Vivid ,
I can really relate to what you are saying . In fact recently ive been feeling that way too . I think its the season to be honest. All our emotions and insecurities are heightened in a ldr so dont be too harsh on your self . Your not alone with these feelings we all can relate .
I talked recently to another woman and she told me that she was the same. Im begining to see that we woman, we are emotionaly triggered by the seperation more than men are. Men keep busy doing stuff and we over think and become emotional rollercoasters. Im struggling right now too . Ive been seperated for a year now because of covid, this is my 4th year of doing this . We have only been together 3 times in 4 years . So its hard trying to maintain that normality . I get cranky all the time . But i tell myself that its cause we are apart when we are together we are together . I remind my self if I was not in this relationship I would not be in a relationship full stop . Im in quite the recluse. Im so jealous all the time i here a text sound ive accused him so many times of chatting to other woman than im lucky he still wants me . My mistrust is getting to him big time lately . I dislike being this way .
So if you need to talk im in the same boat . I miss him so much and i only want our life to begin. So i think i need to chill more . And stop over thinking . As he tells me «If i didnt want to be with you i would not be with you «. Still i get paranoid and imagine all sorts of things .
What can we do to get out of this vicious circle of doubt ? We need to believe in them a little bit more . And have faith in our relationship , its hard I know ❤️. Just come here and vent and calm down before you emotionaly dump on him . I emotionally dump all the time. Hm so bad of me but i cant help it . You know i have underlying issues and being in a ldr just heightens them , but im determined to go the full distance . Just stop asking him if hes ok , i do that when im in clingon mode . I realise i dont want to put words in his mouth .
Ive you ever want to talk send me a personal message and we can exchange details ❤️ I really miss a freind right now too one who understsnds our dilemma . My man hes brilliant at listening but i dont enjoy dumping on him 24/7 . Its hard for them too . Men want to make there woman feel secure and when we say we are not then it must effect them to, so i think we need to talk more with woman in the same situationall men are welcome to PM no gender discriminatiin here��

[Bestisyettocome]

Vivid_idea I am so sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. LDR’s sure are one crazy roller coaster...the things we do for love! And being surrounded by all your married / partnered friends can be so painful sometimes. Your time will come I promise! And when I hear my friends constantly whinging and complaint about their husbands I am quickly reminded the grass isn’t always greener!

With regards to your cycle of fighting, it’s great you have awareness of it. Maybe you need to consider some strategies to help you avoid repeating the same arguements. It might be worth pouring your heart out to your SO in a love letter / email expressing all the things that are upsetting you right now. But obviously in a gentle non attacking manner. Ask for your SO’s understanding and support to help you overcome your anxieties.

I understand it is very hard to open up to someone you feel is pulling away, but he may be suffering worries and anxieties of his own to be responding that way. Reassure him that you love him and miss him like crazy and that you don’t want to in this repetitive fighting cycle. You will need to work through the main issue that is causing you to keep fighting, but hopefully once you can breakthrough that issue you can return to more harmonious and loving communication between one another.

[OhioJim]

It is not just women that have these cycles, but men do too.

I find myself feeling at times that it is not worth it. Then all I have to do is look at the picture I have of her, hanging on my computer desk. WOW! She is gorgeous!

We have had our disagreements. Usually caused by some misunderstanding, mostly on my part. That is why clear concise accurate communication is so important in an LDR. But what bothers me the most is not hearing from her for a day or two, even if it is not her fault. She is in the hospital recovering from Covid, and has to sneak time to message me.

It seems that whenever it looks like we can be back together something happens. Like this virus. If it wasn't for the virus my SO would have been back here a year ago.

[Jen72]

Thats so true , it would be so nice to hear from guys on this matter . Its so important for every one to share for sure

[OhioJim]

Perhaps women have it more because of some other cycle?

[Jen72]

Ha ha , we can’t use that as an excuse., I wouldn’t say that out loud . Ha ha

[vivid_idea]

Thank you everyone, for your perspectives. It does help.

No really good news. We chatted yesterday and the fighting continues. When I try to express that I am struggling he instantly calls me a victim and he says I try to make him a victim too, and that he won’t ever change and be that way. He also says that I don’t do enough to make up for the drama I bring to the relationship.

We are basically at the point that I know he won’t actively do anything more because he waits for me to make things better between us. Meanwhile the only emotion he shows is anger and frustration, always directed at me. He even said he doesn’t want me to send him anything anymore because he feels like it comes with a thousand strings attached :/

I know I do have a victim attitude in our LDR because I FEEL like a victim with all the limitations on our relationship and all the things we miss out on. I whine and act out and then I take it out on or even blame him, which I know is wrong. I hate LDR so much.

I just think this LDR is turning me into someone I don’t want to be and I am being the worst possible person with my SO. I feel more and more ashamed of myself and unworthy. I no longer feel like I can match him. He is emotionally very strong and resilient. He seems as content with LDR as he was in person. The only thing that fazes him is when I bring issues, which I do a lot.

Last night he said that if all of this continues then he would leave for good. He is cold and distant sometimes, like a stranger to me. I don’t really know how to come back from this when I already feel exhausted and I long for closeness.

I feel completely torn because a part of me wants to end it too because I hate who I am with him and I hate LDRs. The only thing that keeps me going is the memory of how we are in person together, which is amazing. We really were in love. But even those memories are feeling more and more distant and there is no next meeting to look forward to.

I don’t know how to become a happier and more relaxed person with him. I focus on everything I don’t have with him more and more because we are losing everything. I feel like I am hiking up Mt Everest and all my supplies are toppling over the edge and I keep looking at everything that falls rather than prevent what I have left from falling. Does that make sense?

Thanks for listening to my sob story!

[OhioJim]

Ha ha , we can’t use that as an excuse., I wouldn’t say that out loud . Ha ha

True. Not an excuse but a possible reason beyond your control. What I was thinking was that the changes in hormones and enzymes can make it more difficult to deal with problems.

I am taking vitamin B12 to help control problems with anxiety and worry.

[Jen72]

B12 is great for that , you should try ashwagandha also it helps with stresd . B12 shots are pretty fast working but always consulte a doctor

[Bestisyettocome]

If I can give one piece of advice, it would be to avoid making any significant decisions while in such an emotional state. My ex SO and I were both feeling extremely emotional following our last visit and both said and responded in ways we now regret.

Maybe trying explaining to your SO that you don’t want to make any major decisions regarding the future of your relationship when you are feeling so fragile right now. And if he feels you’re being in victim mode, tell him you don’t wish to be acting this way and need a few days space to refresh and reset.

I always felt my ex was in victim mode also and I found it so unattractive. He would say how much he hates LDR and how much our situation sucks and comment on all the special times we miss out together etc. While I know it came from a good place and a place of missing me, it also triggered my insecurities and I would take his comments quite personally. Especially when I could offer him nothing more than long distance for the near future. Maybe your SO feels the same when he hears you speaking so badly of your ldr. Maybe he feels helpless and hopeless that he can’t offer you more for now?

I was also similar to your SO in the sense I’m quite independent and was able to cherish our time together and focus on the positives and the connection we had rather than let the ldr negatives absorb all my energy.

I don’t know if this helps in any way, but please be assured your feelings are completely normal and you are by no means alone! Take care of yourself vivid_idea

[vivid_idea]

Hi Bestisyettocome,

Yes I see some definite parallels here. My SO has also told me how unattractive the victim mentality is! Trouble is, him saying something like that just makes me feel awful, then the cycle repeats and....yeah, downwards spiral. No prizes for guessing we are not at all amorous lately, sigh.

I had never thought about it from the angle of him being frustrated. It's very hard to understand anything about what he is feeling when he is mad at me.

Anyway, I sent him a more calm and apologetic message today. I said I would chill for a few days and work on positive vibes. He responded, albeit in a neutral way, but he has since sent me a photo and told me about his day, which is really nice.

I wish I could keep up the positivity all of the time! Maybe I have to get better at asking for a few days of cooling off when I feel like my emotions are getting out of control again?

[Bestisyettocome]

I never actually expressed to my SO that his victim mentality was unattractive, but whenever he fell into that low mood and was hating on our ldr situation I would pull away. I guess it was a defence mechanism as his low mood made me fear he would end things.

Of course it would make you feel bad hearing him say that and it makes it hard for you to stay positive. But just remember, people typically get angry when they are hurting or scared. If he wasn’t feeling anything, he wouldn’t get mad. And unfortunately we also say things we don’t mean when emotions are running high!

I think when you find yourself hitting a low moment, a few days breather can’t hurt.

So nice to hear he sent a photo and update on his day. He is obviously trying to break the ice and help lift your spirits : )

[OhioJim]

B12 is great for that , you should try ashwagandha also it helps with stresd . B12 shots are pretty fast working but always consulte a doctor

I take pills, not shots. Chronic stress causes actual physical changes in the brain chemistry,and I went through about 10 years of it. The B12 helps bring the chemistry back into balance. But as you said, consult a doctor.

Enough of this. I don't want this interesting thread to drift too far off topic.