Why do I feel empty?

[Bella]

Let's start on the day he asked me out. The day where I felt alive and happiness and the paragraph he wrote on why he likes me and wants to be with me. Knowing that, I was only 13 at the time. Yes, I know that it seems ridiculous to think you can be that happy at that age but you wouldn't know how much I've been through on a endless path of pain within my life. Lucas, that's his name, was the one who asked me out. We never met in person and yes, I do know about the dangers of meeting people you never met in the real world but this is different. I followed him on Instagram for awhile then the day came where I comment under one of his posts and we started to have a nice conversation in the comments and we both agreed to take it to the DMS. We became very good friends for 5 months before he asked me out on 1-8-19. He was the same age as me too. I was very new at dating at the time and so was he but we made it work. We would call for hours each day, message each other during late hours. I still remember the way I reacted to when I first heard his voice, it made my heart flutter and I couldn't wipe the silly smile off my face. I just felt SO happy.

Four months into our relationship, he became friends with this girl and he would talk so much about her and at some point, we rarely texted. I will clarify that I'm not the jealous type, I respect his decisions but I felt..sad. I know she likes him from the way she constantly flirts with him, as a girl myself, I can read between those typed messages.At some point, I'd started to cry out of nowhere when we were on call, Lucas asked me what was wrong. I was hesitating if I should tell him but my brain worked on its own and the things I said about how I've felt about his relationship with the girl and how I was scared he would like her had surprised him. He promised she was only a friend to him and he said "Wow..I'm sorry you felt that way and I am stupid for not noticing sooner but I like you a lot." The way he said it made me feel guilty but I don't want to continue on this.

Lucas and I started to have fights and breaking up and coming back to each other constantly. Basically off and on. He finally said the words when we called. He said he loves me a lot and never felt this way for no one. If you can imagine, I just turned 14 the same day and of course I cried. I again felt loved and seen since my family is always busy and never sees me. I realized from that day that I was in love with him. At such a young age, it was scary but exciting. I would smile at his messages and laugh at the bad jokes he makes. His voice and smile made my heart beat and flutter so fast, it was scary. I was scared to say "I love you" to him but on his birthday, which is Valentines Day, I said it and his whole face lite up with the biggest smile I'd seen. We planned on meeting each other someday when we had enough money and was of age. It was like planning our future.. but things took a unexpected turn when he started to not send any cute love paragraphs to me anymore, to leaving me on delivered, to calling less to nothing at all. I felt so confused and hurt. This went on for days. On November 17th, 2020 is when he told me he doesn't feel the same way he used to feel for me anymore but he wanted for us to stay together and hope we can still make it work, that I feel more like his best friend then girlfriend, that he didn't mean to hurt me. I realize now that decision was utterly stupid , like how can you go from loving your girl to feeling nothing anymore. I've never cried so much in my entire life, my chest started to have constant pain with the sadness.

Lucas started talking about his best friend irl and told me that she was hot and might have feelings for her. He said that to me like it wouldn't affect me in any type of way but it did. It stabbed me right in the place that was already wounded and raw. To make more bad was that I was still his girlfriend. I know it was bad at the time but I was hoping and WISHING he would love me again, and the fact that I was insecure and scared to lose him was a nightmare. He would talk about her a lot like she was a trophy or some goddess. I talked to some of my friends and the exact answers were to leave him. I broke up with him, I told him that I felt hurt and wounded. It was very difficult and millions of thoughts were running threw my head. It was horrifying that he didn't care or even seem upset that I was breaking up with him. His words were, "This is good that you were the one to break up this relationship so I wouldn't have to do it, I didn't want to hurt you." I kept out how I felt alone and sad and heart broken about the whole relationship and how he seems so fine without me anymore. It kills me. I don't know if it was me or if someone else caught his attention so that I was only just the secondary character playing the role in his life. Maybe I did something wrong for him to say that.

To this day, It's difficult to move on. It feels like I am drowning in a black sea. I have been covered with needles and cuts. The aching won't go away, it still hurts to think about you. It sucks that I still love you. Why is it so hard? I tried and it seems to get worse. I miss you. I miss your voice. Your smile. Your brown eyes that I get lost in. If there was a thing called reversing time, I would certainly make sure to never lose you. I just turned 15 on the 2nd of march. I am 15. I love you so damn much, it hurts so bad to write this.. You won't even read this. : ).

I want it to end this pain I carry. I can act happy now. We are best friends again but it stings when I think about our memories we shared together.

Why do I feel so empty inside. I will never be happy again. That's what I know.

[Bella]

We still talk and we are best friends. He thinks I'd moved on but I didn't and it just hurts so bad to the point I can not breathe. Thank you for the advice! <3

[Jen72]

Hello Bella , thanks for sharing, i think whats important is you talk about your feelings , can i suggest you talk to the councilor at school? Right now ,you are expercing lots of emotions so maybe seeing someone who can help you filter through your thoughts and emotions is a good idea . Its ok to cry and be sad , but if its been a while then i do think its a good idea . You know I remember my first love , and i remember every love afterwards, the ones that hurt they are tough and oh the music i played , the paintings and poems i wrote are still something i keep as a reminder . I channeled my creativity when i was sad . You are a beautiful articulate writer , do you write as a hobby ? If not you should . So i can talk to you and tell you its going to be ok . But my mum mode has kicked in , so i told my daughter this . If you are feeling it , then its real , dont fight it , own it . Each day will be better , and every day you will find a new joy .» So Bella , think that every day will be better and you can do this . So keep sharing and its ok to be feeling like this , but also remember that feelings are like raimbows there are many colours . So think that tommorow can be a new colour❤️

[Bella]

I will talk to my school concealer and yes, I do write and it's one of my hobbies! I do write when I'm not doing well so I write lyrics, poems or just a small vent paragraph I write to myself. My mom tells me if a boy breaks my heart, I shouldn't be sad or even cry over someone who'd hurt me and be strong for those who love and care about me.

[Jen72]

This is also true what mom says , but you have to find your truth and I think a councilor can help you in ways moms or freinds cant . When we are a moms and we see our children are in pain ,all we want to do is help, and when we cant we feel kind of helpless and the older our kids get the harder it is.
When you are 3 years old and you fall down , you cry , your mom will give you a band aid and make it better, then you go off foget and play again . Easy for moms to fix that but When your 15 , and sad because of boy , then mom try and be tough so you stop being sad .cause deep down we want to kick the boys ass for hurting our daughter makkng her sad . But we dont tell you that he he
So think Bella , you talked today with complete strangers in a smart articulate way , you sre so connected and insightful about your feelings and thoughts you should be proud of yourself , being so brave and open . This is a sign that you are healing and you are going to do just fine . ❤️So my only advice now is keep writing , keep being creative and its ok to not be freinds any more if it hurts to much for you . You need to do whats good for you now , so tell my how would you advice your freind if it was her in your situation ? Hugs
Growing up is hard and its ok to feel and have thoughts , but always talk to someone if it gets too hard and self love is a good thing , so get cozy in bed and write about beautiful things , you are such a lovely young lady , so stay positive and mindful that you are strong and one day you will look back and not even remember these days . So each day come here and share one positive thing with all of us and soon you will see that its ok to be happy again .