messed up pretty bad, want to save my LDR

[chestnutfish]

..............

[vivid_idea]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation atm.

I don't want to tell you that it is hopeless because trust can be rebuilt, and if he hasn't specifically told you that he wants you out of his life for good then there is some hope. Rebuilding trust in any relationship, especially after infidelity, is extremely difficult. But to rebuild trust in an LDR is even more challenging because the distance creates a disconnect that can breed even more distrust.

At the moment it really depends on your boyfriend and whether he thinks that he will be able to forgive you and get past this. If he is not speaking to you then it might be OK for you to write him a letter. If you do that, don't just tell him that you are sorry but really explain to him how you can and WILL make it up to him. Only you can work out how you can do that. Over the distance it is very hard because there will always be times when he won't possibly be able to know what you are up to. Sending a lot of photos and videos can help with building that trust again so that he knows what you are up to.

In saying all of this, cheating is inexcusable and using the distance as an excuse could just mean that you are not up for doing long distance. It isn't fair to put your boyfriend through a relationship with you if you cannot handle the separation. We do all make mistakes tho, but only your boyfriend can decide if he is able to look past this and forgive you. It sounds like you do really love him and I hope that you both can work it out.

[Bella]

Hello, I am very sorry this happened between you two. I do not blame you if you cheated, yes it was very wrong, being cheated on can cause some serious mental/emotional pain but I can completely understand of not being able to see or even have physical contact with someone you love and it creates this longing for to be touched. I may be 15 but I can say that I made mistakes myself.

If you 2 love each other and if he will fight for you, even if he gotten hurt, he would forgive you and see a beautiful person he loves and come back for you. That is someone who will come to you, no matter what happens. I know it hurts and I can feel the pain, you should not hate yourself, everyone makes mistakes. Even big ones. It is part of life. Raise your head up high and be the strong person you can be.

[zhangli]

same for me

[zhangli]

I have read some of the other comments, I rolled my eyes when I read that you created. Giel, you felt guilt after what happened, and you forgot why you did it? I would let him go and not bother that poor guy anymore if I were you. Sorry, Cheat can never be forgiven no matter for what.

[MsGrim]

As everyone else has stated, gaining trust after cheating is extremely difficult to do. I've, unfortunately, been on both sides. I've been cheated on and I have cheated. What I would like to mention is, it may be a good idea to just go at his pace. It may be too slow for you or too painful, but you are the one that betrayed his trust and he has all rights to move at whatever speed he wants while rebuilding your trust/relationship, if he wants to at all. I know this sounds harsh, but you can't expect the relationship to go back to how it was and yes, distance is going to make this WAY harder.

You just have to give this time and respect him and how he is dealing with all of this. You can't pressure him into giving you answers about what he wants, you can't pressure him into even talking to you. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. Go at HIS pace.

[Jen72]

I got truly sad reading this , i dont know how to give advice really . In my relationship my biggest fear is my guy will emotionaly cheat on me and the Physical i know he would never as hes a man of his word. I personaly will always have trust issues because of my baggage .
The fact that you had a physical/ sexual affair ,men really cant forgive that , it demasculates them something big time. Hm if it was casual flirty chat then i think you could salvage your relationship . You say it went on for months ,so you lied and looked him in the eye for months knowing you had this secret . That insults his intelligence . Anyone who cheats is just asking for an excuse to break uo . Ive been in my LDR for 5 years and the idea of ever having an affair never ever enters my head . If i even ever had a dream id feel guilty . If you physically miss sex then be sexual and intimate with your partner in creative ways . ( if you catch my drift ) dont go looking for trouble . Trust is the foundation of any relationship and despite individual personal issues it should never be tested or broken. If you love this guy and respect what you had you need to let him greif and let him go . You allowed this to happen , not once but over months . So you new it was wrong . If your lonely you talk to your spouse , bitch about and then reassure each over .
If you want this man back you got to set him free and if he comes back then it was ment to be . But dont torture him with yoyr sadness and remorse as you are an adult so take controle and give him the respect and space to heal . You both need this now .
And if anyone reading this is feeling this way , tempted please share here instead , dont hurt your partner , sex is overated and only a physical , biological need . Love is a higher vibration and should come from a place of truth and honesty . Dont cheat beat it together the need for intimacy . Trust once broken is never the same .
Im so sorry for the both of you , i am rather strict with this issue . You told him eventualy , but one mistake can easily be fixed but you did it over time that hurts to even read about. Please be kind to your self and accept the responsibility of your actions good or bad . Please surround your self with good freinds now and try move own whilst your SO takes the space to heal .He is hurting , your hurting. Time is the best healer .
Thank you for sharing this story . It must be so hard right now for you and your SO , i dont want to come across cold as im not this way . You have guts to share this with us here so i respect your honesty .
So at the end of they day please see this as a learning opportunity and keep brave . I will pray ( non religious ) and send happy thoughts to you both . I think we all can just hold some space for you now . It will be ok . In time , just accept and heal ❤️

[Jen72]

I hope i didnt come across to harsh with you , i feel your pain , the guy who you had a affair with hes a DOG , he new you where in a relationship and vunrable . So these type of people are the woarse.
I think a different approach would be perhaps just talk with the camera off, that way you can still talk about things without the visual reminder .until hes comfortable . Regain trust slow . Ask him what you need to do to help him heal ?
Hm see it as fourplay back into your safe intimate space , tell your LDR that you talk here and invite him here if he wants . You need to be an open book again no walls .No secrets . Write a journal of ur greif . If ur depressed and crying its because you know you did wrong . But staying in this greif is not healthy . You need to fight for your love and crying and feeling sorry for ur self wont help any one . If you want to start over and prove your self again then you need to show him not just talk about it . Men need there woman to stay strong when they are gone . In the old days when men would go off to war , work and have to be away for months . Woman would support each other, our society is too insensitive to the core of a good relationship . Its natural to miss and long for our man and woman . In ancient Greece , menwould write poems , songs of love and how the missed there woman . Woman would sew and make clothing for there man . Im a romantic but my point is , whilst apart use the lonlyness to build a nest a home for your man to feel safe . We have forgot this , being a woman is a beautuful thing, men need to be nurtured as much as we do as woman.
Last but not least , forgive yourself . Its ok to be human , lonely and vunrable . Next time reach out to ur SO to us here and express it rather than internalize it .

[autumn1790]

I feel like everyone has been a bit harsh. Yes, cheating = not good, very hurtful for all parties involved, no doubt. But if your mental health is suffering, in my opinion, you need to take a step back and help yourself before you hurt him, yourself, and anyone else more. Mental illness is a legitimate illness that requires treatment, and unfortunately sometimes it can be quite a process. I have no idea if your relationship will survive, but you have to be able to love yourself before you can love others. Please, please get help for yourself, counseling or therapy or something, and once you are in a better frame, you can reach out to your SO. I feel that working on yourself and your mental illness would be a great way to show your SO that you are trying.

[Woweth]

I’ve always thought cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone emotionally, and I still think that, but I have an idea of what it’s like to be on the other end, and sometimes you just feel sorry for both parties involved. A few months back I got friendly with a guy I worked with, we started hanging out a lot, and were a bit flirty, but I knew my boundaries. It was really tough because at the time I felt tempted to do things with him I shouldn’t, I knew he liked me and I thought that I could have a chance at a relationship without the worries of distance or time. During that period my boyfriend was busier than ever, and we didn’t talk much, so that didn’t help as there was never any time to communicate with him about how I was feeling, I was lonely and I couldn’t turn to him, whereas I had someone else who was always there. In that time I was acting impulsively, I missed physical intimacy, I missed everything about a relationship, and in that moment I wanted to have the best of both words, him and my boyfriend, which of course was completely selfish and nonsensical. I knew it couldn’t go on, me falling for this guy whilst still being with my boyfriend who I couldn’t see or barely even text. So I stopped hanging out with him as much, until I barely saw him at all, and cut contact. As it turned out, the guy revealed himself to be an utter douchebag, and I’m glad that I stuck by my boyfriend through my temptation and desires. That being said, I still feel guilty for how I felt towards that guy, my heart would have broken if it was my boyfriend falling for someone else, even though I never cheated, I feel like I emotionally did. That alone still haunts me sometimes, the guilt, so I can only imagine it’s ten times worse for you.

As much as I hate the thought of adultery, I understand it’s different in this certain type of relationship. You were lonely and missing intimacy, I get it, I experienced it myself. You did act on your desires, and now that you regret it and realise you want your boyfriend still, I can imagine the feeling is horrendous. At the same time though, your boyfriend will be feeling worse. I’ve never experienced being cheated on, and I hope I never do, as I can only imagine how it would make me feel, just emotional torture. I really don’t know what to say regarding if you can save your relationship, I know some couples manage to overcome adultery, but it’ll never be the same again in my opinion. The trust is shattered, it’s always gonna be in the back of his mind, it’s hard enough for couples who don’t deal with long distance to get over cheating, never mind being apart and having no idea what the other is doing. Try your best to talk it through with him and make him feel as secure as possible, and assured that you won’t do it again. That’s easier said than done though. If he finds he really can’t get over it, which could likely be the case, you’d just have to accept the fact. As hard as it is to hear, if you truly love him you’d hope he heals in time and finds someone else that makes him happy, as would you.

Best wishes.