Tough times

[D_M]

Hi all,
Seems very quiet here at the moment...
Anyway, as many of you know I recently got to meet my SO for the first time and it was amazing.
Now, a month later, she is going through some difficult times, to do with health and generally getting her life in order. It's very difficult for her and she has pulled right back to focus on this.
She has even asked to cancel my proposed June visit.
I can understand as she has an awful lot to deal with and do but that does not mean it doesn't hurt. Our contact has dropped right off and much of it, especially the last week has been cold.
I want to support her all I can, but I don't even know how I can when all I have is texting and she has asked for no distractions.
I respect her wishes, but have trouble understanding how I am so much of a distraction rather than a support. Situation reversed I react to stress differently and find myself longing for her contact even more and find great solace in our time together.
Has anyone been on either side of a similar situation? How do you cope? I find myself feeling lost, as if we're breaking up and my thoughts are going all around the place.

[OhioJim]

Yes. D_M, I understand exactly how you feel.

My SO has been in the hospital recovering from Covid. She is not supposed to be using her laptop, and has to sneak time to be able to message me. We used to chat once or twice a day, sometimes for hours at a time.

Every day I look forward to hearing that little jingle on my phone indicating an incoming message (we use Hangouts, which works on both phone and laptop).

But sometimes it is 2 or 3 days when I don't hear anything. That makes me sad, lonely, and worried. I start having negative thoughts about our relationship. Then I hear that jingle and it is all better! That keeps me going for a day or two and then it starts all over again.

She knows I have trouble dealing with the lack of communication and has said she worries about me when she is unable to make contact.

Fortunately, she is ready to get out of the hospital any day now. But she can't discharge herself and has been trying to get hold of a relative to come and help her.

[D_M]

Thanks OhioJim,
I'm so glad to hear your SO is finally getting out of hospital and hopefully soon back into your arms.
My SO is going through a terrible time, is completely overwhelmed and right now is feeling like she cannot be with anyone ever. I am taking this in that context right now. Who knows what is next. For right now I only want to support her and I don't know how> I will try adn call today (she has not been wanting to talk on teh phone) and offer to listen. That is all I can do right now.

[Bestisyettocome]

Hi D_M
I’m really sorry to hear your SO is experience health issues and feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I’m also sorry you feel she’s pushing you away during this time. I bet you want nothing more than to comfort her through this and it must be hard when she has her guard up.
It’s hard to comment when I don’t know your SO and her situation, but women can have a bad habit of saying things they don’t always mean. Maybe she doesn’t want to feel like a burden on you? If she is feeling depressed and overwhelmed, her self esteem could be low right now and she may not feel deserving of your love and affection. She may also feel incapable of returning the affection back with everything on her plate right now.
Give her the space she needs, but also check in occasionally and reassure her that you are there for her when she’s ready to open up. Or maybe send a good old fashioned letter reminding her of your feelings and reassuring her you want to be there to help her.
I really hope things pick up for you guys soon. And take care of yourself during this time.

[D_M]

Thanks Bestisyettocome, I think you're right about where she is at. It is very stressful for her. She thinks it may be this or that but doctors are confused and not sure at all. She has had some tests which will hopefully identify what it is and they can find a good solution. In the meantime, she feels awful and I am trying to be there for her as much as I can from here.
Thanks for the support.

[kate04]

Hi

Can I offer an alternative perspective on this? I am 'that' woman.. the one that pulls away I mean.

I am in the UK and at the moment our government seems to enjoy dangling the carrot of fewer restrictions and freedom in front our noses then snatching it away ... my SO is in a very un-restrictive state in the US and I find it hard that he's going about life more or less 'normally' and I'm in a state of anxiety and panic a lot of the time. He tries to understand but it's difficult for him. He's so lovely and caring and wants to make me all better, but...

I feel guilty for 'always' being negative and moody and stressed. I feel as though I drag him down and for that reason I pull away. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, sometimes not. I tell him how I feel and he says (God love him!) that it's always better talking to me than not, but even so there's some self protection inside me that won't allow it in case he thinks I'm too much like hard work, or too miserable or any number of things...

I love him and I can't imagine my life without him and it's dreadful not being with him or even knowing that I can book anything to see him and yet I still pull away.

No reflection on him at all. At my age you'd think I'd know better, but the mind is a strange and powerful thing!

I hope this reassures you some x

[xxcazaxx]

Hi

I feel guilty for 'always' being negative and moody and stressed. I feel as though I drag him down and for that reason I pull away. Sometimes it's a conscious decision, sometimes not. I tell him how I feel and he says (God love him!) that it's always better talking to me than not, but even so there's some self protection inside me that won't allow it in case he thinks I'm too much like hard work, or too miserable or any number of things...

I love him and I can't imagine my life without him and it's dreadful not being with him or even knowing that I can book anything to see him and yet I still pull away.

No reflection on him at all. At my age you'd think I'd know better, but the mind is a strange and powerful thing!

I hope this reassures you some x

I echo about the feeling guilty about being a stress head x

[D_M]

Thanks both for your support and advice.
Unfortunately the results didn't clear much up. My SO continues to be in a lot of pain. Things have started easing the last few days but at one point she said we should say goodbye, that she has nothing to offer me. It was so painful to hear that but I told her she already gives me so much and how much she means to me and she is hanging on.
It's really hard to see which way we're going to come out of this, but I think we're going to be ok. I hope we are. We had a good conversation on Friday and things almost seemed back to normal. But since then she has distanced again, and so, then, so have I. At times like these I hate the distance, it is so hard.

[uniquefem]

Hi
I dont know what you both history, but for sure LDR is not for everyone. It sure do difficult for people who has experience with it before and it will be lots harder with people who never even had it before.
Our latest situation with covid that cause lots of countries close it borders, and too many uncertainty that we face make it worse.
Alas, even before covid dark time, there are people who already had difficulties with anxiety and depression.
It is indeed a tough time for everyone.
The only difference is, people does react differently on these kind of situation. Some people just even pulled deeper into depression and anxiety, some just, oh, geez another day another battle here we go ---kind of people.
All i can say is, you better ask your self, which choice that actually harder? this uncertain situation with her or, to move on and live your life completely without her?
Can you be patient and fight for your relationship because she and your relationship worth that chance? or its just too hard for you and you feel like you do deserve something better than this (if there's any easier choice that suits your preference?). You should really had that talk with her if she really still want this or not?

My bf and i, before covid had issue with depression and anxiety. Covid hit, and everything went to ashes, except us. We both lost our job. We are half way across the globe in distance, too many uncertainty about how on earth we will meet again. But we do make promises at very first time we meet that we will holding on on each other because we want this. So when someone down that day and need to cry on phone, the other had to listen. Lift up the other person that down. We manage to meet for the 2nd time and even the 3rd time during this pandemic (we didnt even plan it we just do it).
One thing this pandemic teach both of us, is life is way too short, and if you have to leave this world, life without regret for whatever you choose. For us, we will regret it if we didnt try harder (read its WE means both of us not just one person).

[D_M]

Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, I can absolutely be patient and wait and yes for me she is totally worth it. She is special, one in a million and I've never felt this way before. I love her with all my heart. She has told me the same many times. We met recently and it was so unreal, so perfect even with difficult things happening around us.

But for her, I don't know. She sent me a text tonight, telling me she would send me an email. SHe wouldn't talk to me. She turned off her phone. The email hasn't come.

[uniquefem]

Then, i think if this is the case, gave her some space. Maybe she needs to think. Just send her email or text said you love her and ask how is she doing, despite you know she might not going to answer. Do not go cold as well on her. Just say that you are there for her if she need to talk. Give it some times.
If its still there, the feeling, she will be back. Mean while, kept your self busy and try to be positive. Hopefully whatever happened to her just get out of her system soon and not let you in limbo too long.
I hope you both will get through this!

[D_M]

Thank you Uniquefem. I think I will get strength from your message in the time ahead. I have to leave it now and sleep.