I've been long distance with my now fiance since November. She lives in the Philippines. She came here back in November 2019 to visit family, and ended up stranded here due to COVID. It was during that time that her and I met, in August 2020, made our relationship official in September 2020, and then transitioned to long distance when she finally left in November 2020. I proposed to her in January 2021. It's been a roller coaster since then, and I'm not sure anymore of our chances.
There are a lot of layers to this. Due to the fact that she got stranded, she knew she was going to overstay her allowed visa stay, which expired in May. So in April, after a number of flights were cancelled on her, she filed for an extension of stay. She continued, unsuccessfully, to try to book return flights back home. But she was either unable to book, or flights that were booked, were cancelled on her. I do know that I was with her when she was getting flights postponed and rescheduled on her as late as October. But she knew she needed to leave by November, because even if the extension was approved, it would only be for 6 months max. So finally, she was able to leave in November, and we still hadn't even heard if her extension had been approved.
We did so with the plan that we would get engaged, and could file for a K1 visa to bring her to the US to get married and start our lives together. We weren't ready to get married while she was here, so we decided on the K1 route. Although, if I'm being honest, she did want to get married while she was here so that she wouldn't have to leave, and the night before she left, she expressed deep sadness that I didn't marry her while she was here. In my mind, 2-3 months was too soon, and I wasn't willing to marry her just so she could stay here.
We transitioned to long distance, and unfortunately, I learned that the Philippines was closed off to international travel, so going over to visit her was going to be a no-go. So I wasn't going to be able to do an in-person proposal. So instead, I bought a ring, and I unromantically proposed over a video call. But I did at least try to make it mildly romantic by going to the park where here and I first met.
I filled out all of the paperwork for the K1 visa petition, gathered all of our documents, and was ready to send it off, when I found out that the embassy in Manila was closed and they weren't processing K1 interviews on the consulate level. I have a friend who had dealt with an immigration process of her own, and she recommended her immigration lawyer to me. I called the lawyer, and the lawyer told me that since my fiance has a valid tourist visa, she could come over on her tourist visa, we could get married, and then file for a spousal visa that would allow her to come back permanently. My fiance wasn't excited about this idea, because she was set on the plan we had made and didn't want to deviate, but due to the uncertainty of how long the K1 process might take, she reluctantly agreed, and I ended up not filing the K1 visa. So we decided that we would wait until she heard about the approval of her extension before we started buying tickets or anything, just to make sure. We were certain that since her reasons were valid, her extension would come back as approved, and there would be no complications with her overstay.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of May 2021, she received her decision on the extension, and it was a denial. We started to worry that the denial could mean her tourist visa would be invalidated. I started getting on the phone with as many immigration lawyers as I could get ahold of. Each lawyer that I spoke to assured me that in her circumstances, because she left while the application was still pending, it doesn't impact her visa and she would be fine. But she wasn't really being reassured. One lawyer that I spoke to offered his services to represent us with her re-entry, but my fiance started picking fights with me about it because she didn't want me spending money. She has a complex about "being a burden on me", and no matter how much I tried to reassure her that I could afford the legal services, and they were needed, she kept pushing back on me not wanting me to pay any money.
But I put my foot down and held firm. I put my foot down that I was going to hire legal services if they were needed, and I wasn't going to budge. Finally, we saw the actual letter from USCIS regarding her denial, and the letter was good news. The letter stated her denial was due to the fact that she had left, and was without prejudice against any future entry. She bought her plane ticket to come in July 2021, and I had a consultation with the lawyer who had offered his services (and I felt very comfortable with him as well, I can tell he is a very good lawyer who knows the ins and outs of immigration law), and he was very confident in our case, to the point where he felt his services weren't even needed for her re-entry, because all of our documents spoke for themselves.
But as he continued looking over the documents, he found one minor detail - on her application for extension, there is a question asking "How will you support yourself during your stay", and her answer was "I am staying with my sister, and I have a business in Malaysia that I am managing remotely". He pointed out that while she's not actually doing anything wrong, that can be seen as unauthorized work in the United States, and a violation of her visa, and if she comes over, she could be facing not just a denial of entry, but an immediate deportation resulting in a 5 year ban from the country. He said that it's possible she could get in no problems, but with it being in writing, if the question comes up at all, she will be screwed. So he suggested going back to the K1 visa, as the K1 process does not factor these circumstances and it won't come up or be held against her. He said that embassies are re-opening, including Manila, and he foresees a K1 process lasting about 8-10 months.
When I took this information to her, again she was not happy with it. She has been lashing out about the news, and taking it all out on me. She is blaming me for changing the plans on us, and accusing me of not being committed to her and making her wait and wait and wait and wait until she can't wait anymore. I'm trying to explain to her that I am not changing plans because I want to, it is because new information keeps coming up that changes the circumstances that we are in. She keeps asking if I am even committed to her, which is hurtful because I am exhausting every resource at my disposal to try to make our plans happen, and when they don't, I have to face her attacks on me too that I'm not truly committed. She says that she is a burden on me and hurting me and will just break up with me because I deserve to be happy and not be dragged through her karma. I know that she doesn't actually want to break up, but the emotional manipulation is adding so much emotional weight to me, and it is hard to carry.
I visited with her family over the long weekend, and she had been telling them about the changing plans in July, and the conversation came up. I told them exactly what the lawyer told me, and explained why I felt the K1 process was the best route. The family agreed with me, and tried talking to her to convince her to take this route. But even with all these voices trying to tell her this is the best route, she is still pushing back against it. She doesn't want to believe me about the risks carried by her coming over in July. I tried explaining to her that she is in this situation regardless of her ever having met me... if she just tried to come over to visit on her own, this is what she would find herself in. She's continued to accuse me of not really wanting to be with her. I explained to her that I stayed with her in November when she left, I proposed to her in January, and I have been facing this situation head on trying to find every resource I can to find a solution to this. If I wasn't sure, I would have been gone a long time ago.
She then says "what if marriage isn't for me?" I told her that she needs to figure it out, because I can't commit to uncertainty. I had told her that we could use the 8-10 months while waiting for the K1 process to plan our wedding. She told me she is not excited about doing that. I told her I would send her the ring (I had kept the engagement ring because I was planning on giving her a proper proposal in July, but if we were going to have to wait, I would send her the ring so she could have it). She said not to worry about it, because she doesn't want to have to deal with sending it back to me in a month when I change my mind about her again. I even asked her directly if being married to me was what she want, and she paused for a good 30 to 45 seconds before saying quietly "I already said yes". So her response to the question about if she's sure she wants to marry me is just "I already said yes"
So now, I am feeling uncertainty from her end. I don't even feel comfortable with the K1 process at this point, because she's not even giving me certainty that she wants to be with me. I feel like I am fighting this on 2 fronts, because I am trying to navigate the immigration system to find solutions to bringing her here, and everytime there is any sort of bad news, she picks a fight with ME about it, and I feel like I have to fight on 2 fronts. She accuses me of not being committed, questions my loyalty to the relationship whenever there is bad news outside of my control, and I feel like my feelings of stress and disappointment get completely neglected by her. Because of this, I'm not even sure that I want to continue with any marriage path right now; K1 or July.
There are a lot of layers to this. Due to the fact that she got stranded, she knew she was going to overstay her allowed visa stay, which expired in May. So in April, after a number of flights were cancelled on her, she filed for an extension of stay. She continued, unsuccessfully, to try to book return flights back home. But she was either unable to book, or flights that were booked, were cancelled on her. I do know that I was with her when she was getting flights postponed and rescheduled on her as late as October. But she knew she needed to leave by November, because even if the extension was approved, it would only be for 6 months max. So finally, she was able to leave in November, and we still hadn't even heard if her extension had been approved.
We did so with the plan that we would get engaged, and could file for a K1 visa to bring her to the US to get married and start our lives together. We weren't ready to get married while she was here, so we decided on the K1 route. Although, if I'm being honest, she did want to get married while she was here so that she wouldn't have to leave, and the night before she left, she expressed deep sadness that I didn't marry her while she was here. In my mind, 2-3 months was too soon, and I wasn't willing to marry her just so she could stay here.
We transitioned to long distance, and unfortunately, I learned that the Philippines was closed off to international travel, so going over to visit her was going to be a no-go. So I wasn't going to be able to do an in-person proposal. So instead, I bought a ring, and I unromantically proposed over a video call. But I did at least try to make it mildly romantic by going to the park where here and I first met.
I filled out all of the paperwork for the K1 visa petition, gathered all of our documents, and was ready to send it off, when I found out that the embassy in Manila was closed and they weren't processing K1 interviews on the consulate level. I have a friend who had dealt with an immigration process of her own, and she recommended her immigration lawyer to me. I called the lawyer, and the lawyer told me that since my fiance has a valid tourist visa, she could come over on her tourist visa, we could get married, and then file for a spousal visa that would allow her to come back permanently. My fiance wasn't excited about this idea, because she was set on the plan we had made and didn't want to deviate, but due to the uncertainty of how long the K1 process might take, she reluctantly agreed, and I ended up not filing the K1 visa. So we decided that we would wait until she heard about the approval of her extension before we started buying tickets or anything, just to make sure. We were certain that since her reasons were valid, her extension would come back as approved, and there would be no complications with her overstay.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of May 2021, she received her decision on the extension, and it was a denial. We started to worry that the denial could mean her tourist visa would be invalidated. I started getting on the phone with as many immigration lawyers as I could get ahold of. Each lawyer that I spoke to assured me that in her circumstances, because she left while the application was still pending, it doesn't impact her visa and she would be fine. But she wasn't really being reassured. One lawyer that I spoke to offered his services to represent us with her re-entry, but my fiance started picking fights with me about it because she didn't want me spending money. She has a complex about "being a burden on me", and no matter how much I tried to reassure her that I could afford the legal services, and they were needed, she kept pushing back on me not wanting me to pay any money.
But I put my foot down and held firm. I put my foot down that I was going to hire legal services if they were needed, and I wasn't going to budge. Finally, we saw the actual letter from USCIS regarding her denial, and the letter was good news. The letter stated her denial was due to the fact that she had left, and was without prejudice against any future entry. She bought her plane ticket to come in July 2021, and I had a consultation with the lawyer who had offered his services (and I felt very comfortable with him as well, I can tell he is a very good lawyer who knows the ins and outs of immigration law), and he was very confident in our case, to the point where he felt his services weren't even needed for her re-entry, because all of our documents spoke for themselves.
But as he continued looking over the documents, he found one minor detail - on her application for extension, there is a question asking "How will you support yourself during your stay", and her answer was "I am staying with my sister, and I have a business in Malaysia that I am managing remotely". He pointed out that while she's not actually doing anything wrong, that can be seen as unauthorized work in the United States, and a violation of her visa, and if she comes over, she could be facing not just a denial of entry, but an immediate deportation resulting in a 5 year ban from the country. He said that it's possible she could get in no problems, but with it being in writing, if the question comes up at all, she will be screwed. So he suggested going back to the K1 visa, as the K1 process does not factor these circumstances and it won't come up or be held against her. He said that embassies are re-opening, including Manila, and he foresees a K1 process lasting about 8-10 months.
When I took this information to her, again she was not happy with it. She has been lashing out about the news, and taking it all out on me. She is blaming me for changing the plans on us, and accusing me of not being committed to her and making her wait and wait and wait and wait until she can't wait anymore. I'm trying to explain to her that I am not changing plans because I want to, it is because new information keeps coming up that changes the circumstances that we are in. She keeps asking if I am even committed to her, which is hurtful because I am exhausting every resource at my disposal to try to make our plans happen, and when they don't, I have to face her attacks on me too that I'm not truly committed. She says that she is a burden on me and hurting me and will just break up with me because I deserve to be happy and not be dragged through her karma. I know that she doesn't actually want to break up, but the emotional manipulation is adding so much emotional weight to me, and it is hard to carry.
I visited with her family over the long weekend, and she had been telling them about the changing plans in July, and the conversation came up. I told them exactly what the lawyer told me, and explained why I felt the K1 process was the best route. The family agreed with me, and tried talking to her to convince her to take this route. But even with all these voices trying to tell her this is the best route, she is still pushing back against it. She doesn't want to believe me about the risks carried by her coming over in July. I tried explaining to her that she is in this situation regardless of her ever having met me... if she just tried to come over to visit on her own, this is what she would find herself in. She's continued to accuse me of not really wanting to be with her. I explained to her that I stayed with her in November when she left, I proposed to her in January, and I have been facing this situation head on trying to find every resource I can to find a solution to this. If I wasn't sure, I would have been gone a long time ago.
She then says "what if marriage isn't for me?" I told her that she needs to figure it out, because I can't commit to uncertainty. I had told her that we could use the 8-10 months while waiting for the K1 process to plan our wedding. She told me she is not excited about doing that. I told her I would send her the ring (I had kept the engagement ring because I was planning on giving her a proper proposal in July, but if we were going to have to wait, I would send her the ring so she could have it). She said not to worry about it, because she doesn't want to have to deal with sending it back to me in a month when I change my mind about her again. I even asked her directly if being married to me was what she want, and she paused for a good 30 to 45 seconds before saying quietly "I already said yes". So her response to the question about if she's sure she wants to marry me is just "I already said yes"
So now, I am feeling uncertainty from her end. I don't even feel comfortable with the K1 process at this point, because she's not even giving me certainty that she wants to be with me. I feel like I am fighting this on 2 fronts, because I am trying to navigate the immigration system to find solutions to bringing her here, and everytime there is any sort of bad news, she picks a fight with ME about it, and I feel like I have to fight on 2 fronts. She accuses me of not being committed, questions my loyalty to the relationship whenever there is bad news outside of my control, and I feel like my feelings of stress and disappointment get completely neglected by her. Because of this, I'm not even sure that I want to continue with any marriage path right now; K1 or July.
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