After 9 years together, almost 6 of which were long distance (we did LDR twice!), my partner and I have broken up. I’m writing as a way to thank you all for a wonderful community and for the support you have given me over the years.
I also wanted to share a couple things that I’ve learned over the years that I don’t really see talked about in these forums but want to bring up in case it’s helpful to anyone. Every relationship is so complex and unique so these might not even apply to you but I just thought I’d bring them up in case it can help improve your relationship or to help decide if it’s time to let it go.
1. Attachment styles: if you don’t know about attachment styles, I would suggest learning about them. There are 3 types: secure, anxious, and avoidant and all of us are one of these types. I’ve learned that my ex partner was avoidant and looking back, he was always content with being long-distance (avoidants want intimacy and connection but avoid getting too close). Once we closed the distance, he wasn’t as comfortable no longer having his perceived space and independence. It didn’t help that I was anxious. I think it’s worth asking if either you or your partner is avoidant if you are in a LDR. Being self-aware can help figure out ways to make the relationship work.
2. Couples counseling/therapy: we did couples counseling when we were in the same city which was helpful but once he moved out of state, our therapist was no longer able to treat the both of us due to state regulations. It may be different depending on where you live but just know that if you live in different places, you may not have access to couples therapy. This makes it harder when big problems come up that you’re not able to overcome on your own and is yet another disadvantage to LDR (as if there weren’t enough already!)
I have no regrets with my LDR and will always cherish the memories of our time together. This LDR made me realize how strong I could be, how deeply I could love, the capacity of loyalty and patience I had, and and how brave I was being willing to uproot my life and move for him. I’ve learned so much but this will be my last LDR.
I wish you all the best whether that is closing the distance with your partner or finding someone else who is closer to you. Something I’ve learned and something I think we all know deep down — love is meant to be felt and experienced in proximity.
All the very best!
I also wanted to share a couple things that I’ve learned over the years that I don’t really see talked about in these forums but want to bring up in case it’s helpful to anyone. Every relationship is so complex and unique so these might not even apply to you but I just thought I’d bring them up in case it can help improve your relationship or to help decide if it’s time to let it go.
1. Attachment styles: if you don’t know about attachment styles, I would suggest learning about them. There are 3 types: secure, anxious, and avoidant and all of us are one of these types. I’ve learned that my ex partner was avoidant and looking back, he was always content with being long-distance (avoidants want intimacy and connection but avoid getting too close). Once we closed the distance, he wasn’t as comfortable no longer having his perceived space and independence. It didn’t help that I was anxious. I think it’s worth asking if either you or your partner is avoidant if you are in a LDR. Being self-aware can help figure out ways to make the relationship work.
2. Couples counseling/therapy: we did couples counseling when we were in the same city which was helpful but once he moved out of state, our therapist was no longer able to treat the both of us due to state regulations. It may be different depending on where you live but just know that if you live in different places, you may not have access to couples therapy. This makes it harder when big problems come up that you’re not able to overcome on your own and is yet another disadvantage to LDR (as if there weren’t enough already!)
I have no regrets with my LDR and will always cherish the memories of our time together. This LDR made me realize how strong I could be, how deeply I could love, the capacity of loyalty and patience I had, and and how brave I was being willing to uproot my life and move for him. I’ve learned so much but this will be my last LDR.
I wish you all the best whether that is closing the distance with your partner or finding someone else who is closer to you. Something I’ve learned and something I think we all know deep down — love is meant to be felt and experienced in proximity.
All the very best!
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