Happiness after closing the distance...

[Andy]

This one's aimed at those who are together with their SO's.

I'm just wondering about the happiness of the one who moved immediately after the move and in the first year or 2 that followed.

I think people would expect both of you to be very happy just to be together but there's bound to be so much more to it than that. I'm hoping this thread will maybe become somewhat of an eye-opener to some extent.

Did you struggle at first? How long did it last? Do you fill find it extremely hard? Or have you taken to it like a duck to water and found it all very easy?

I've read through this thread which is an interesting read and I just wanted to open it up to the rest of the forum really so anyone who's not closed the distance yet, but maybe on the verge of doing so could ask questions and for advice from those who have and draw from their experiences.

[Karringtyn]

Very good post Andy...I have often read in that area...and thought some of the same things....

To go from hardly ever seeing your SO to having them always with you.....what is that like? Overwhelming? What do you suggest to someone about to go through it?

I would LOVE to hear words of wisdom...

[Moon]

I have no wisdom, sorry :P But, my guy and I just recently discussed this a bit, and I told him that if we do close this distance, I'd rather we live apart for a year. I figured we're both very set in our ways and used to being alone, and my thinking is going from 4200 miles and only a handful of visits a year to 100% togetherness right away might be too much on the relationship, and we'd need a "breaking-in" period to get accustomed to each other being around all of the time. If it gets to be too much at first, we'd each have our own place to escape to while we get adjusted. Of course, we're kinda odd and both really used to our freedom, so that won't work for everybody

[JoMarie]

I've not been close distance for as far back as you're asking, but It's been somewhere around two months. I was the one who moved to my SO.

The obvious is that it's a fantastic feeling to be able to kiss him when I want to. When I need a hug I just have to ask, and he'll hug me. He can hold me when I'm uncertain or talk things out with me face to face. There is nothing better or more healing for ones soul (in my opinion) to have closed the distance. Everything you've waited for so long is right in the same home (or town or whatever) as you. I believe with all my heart that this was the right thing to do.

On the other hand, it is difficult to adjust. I've left my friends and family behind. Being that I grew up in a very small town, I've always had the same friends, and I'm so close to my family. A lot of times I feel lonely. I spend much time on skype and on the phone still trying to uphold my relationships that I walked away from. I know that my friends and family can't drop what they are doing to visit, but sometimes I wish they would. It felt strange going home without Kevin, I felt like a spectator in my own home town!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I find it hard in some ways, but so worth it. I think it's probably different with everyone, depending on what you're leaving behind. I miss my dogs and my parents soooooo bad it hurts. I miss my friends like crazy, but I have the other half of my heart, and I finally feel like I'm whole.

[Gurl]

Though I've not had the chance to close the distance OR even see him in over a year, Imma add my thoughts anyway. I think this type of thing is VERY couple and person specific. A few things will be similar such as adjusting to the fact you aren't planning on going back, etc. However, for those who've been blessed enough to spend time with their SO before the move, it could be easier than someone who only got a day or two here and there. This would be especially true for those who had enough time to make some friends in the area, even if they are shared friends. It's the first step in adjusting---making contacts, then those lead to new people etc etc. Just my two cents

[Mio]

We closed the distance about 6 months ago. My SO moved to me, so here is my view of this.

It is a wonderful feeling to finally have your SO with you!!! So much love we shared together, and that we were not able to transmit in a physical way, it is like an explotion of love. It is really wonderful. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the World.

The darker side, my SO sometimes get home pains. He can get really home sick from time to time, misses his family, being able to speak his mother tongue, the food, the nature, the sports, etc. Is not everyday though, but it can get hard for him. People say that home sickness goes away eventually, that it takes like a year, so let's see. He is a very rooted person, but everyone is different. I am not like him, I can understand him and help him in this, but I can't say I Know how it feels cause I am not that rooted.

Another thing, when you start living together you get to see other things about this person that you didn't know and that can bother you. They always say the first year is the most difficult. We have arguments from time to time, and there are some things we have to work on. But this is so even if you were close distance and then started living together. So this is normal for everybody.

If you asked my SO how he feels or how is it for him he would tell you that he is happy, that there are somethings about this new situation that are harder for him to accept than others, but that he don't regret moving here for me. And that he know with time everything will fall into place.

And I would say that it is wonderful to have him here, and that I do everything that is in my hands for him to feel happy here with me.

I hope all of you can close the distance soon my friends!!!

[Snowy.Winter]

On the other hand, it is difficult to adjust. I've left my friends and family behind. Being that I grew up in a very small town, I've always had the same friends, and I'm so close to my family. A lot of times I feel lonely. I spend much time on skype and on the phone still trying to uphold my relationships that I walked away from. I know that my friends and family can't drop what they are doing to visit, but sometimes I wish they would. It felt strange going home without Kevin, I felt like a spectator in my own home town!

I'm planning to move to be with my SO next year and what you just said, is what I'm scared of.

[Zephii]

We've only been CD for a year, the first four months of that were technically his holiday in Australia, and the rest were here in Canada.

Honestly, It was harder than I could have ever believed.

To put it in perspective, there was a lot of resentment at the outset. While Obi was in Australia with me I'd hit some hard times as some here might remember. So his visit was somewhat uncomfortable at times, and he complained nearly constantly to the point where I asked him to go home to Canada - I was sick of him making me miserable. Things got better after that, but the damage was done. He'd made such a fuss that my home and life were somehow not good enough and that really put me on the defensive. So, when I came back to Canada with him I wasn't in the best frame of mind to make the experience positive. Because really, everyone knows that Australia is the place to be. :roll eyes:

Additionally, when we moved to Canada we moved in with his parents. Having been out of home since I was 15 then suddenly being under someone else's authority was a struggle for me. I felt constantly judged, and EVERYONE went out of their way to remind me I'm Aussie and I'm "different". Including mocking the way I cook, the food I eat and my accent/slanguage. I got lost when I'd go out alone, I had no friends. (I still don't really, but I'm mostly ok with that) Without Obi I was vulnerable and lonely, I had nothing here but him. I also didn't have the money to leave, so I felt trapped.

Once we moved out on our own, about two and a half months later, things got better. But the constant foul weather, homesickness and having no friends really got me down. There were some other relationship issues that contributed to that as well. I think I only really started coming out of my funk once summer hit (so mid to late June). It has taken me a long time to stop hating Canada and to start feeling at home.

I think the advice my sister gave me was really good. She warned me that I'd probably be homesick and think I'd made the wrong decision for the first six months but after that it'd get better, and then eventually this would become my home and I wouldn't want to go back.

After everything, I have no regrets. But it's no where near as easy as people seem to think.

[Andy]

Just wrote a massive post here and then I lost it

It was along these lines:

Thanks you 3, and everyone else of course. I think there's plenty of people here who will be able to take a lot from your advice.

One of my main worries is making new friends, for 2 reasons.

The first reason is the language. Despite the fact that most Finns have at least a decent grasp of English, they seem somewhat reluctant to speak it in my experiences. This is my 7th visit to Tanja's home and the only people that have made a genuine attempt to speak to me and strike up a conversation are her mother, her daughter, her brother-in-law and her cousin, although we haven't seen much of her recently due to work commitments. Anyone else I've spoken in English to has been in a professional, or semi-professional capacity. I really appreciate it when someone makes the effort to talk to me but sadly not too many have or do for one reason or another. Oh, one or 2 of the guys I played football with did try too in fairness. But on the whole not too many, especially when you consider that I've spent a total of some 6 months here by now. I've found it quite disheartening and I've felt very downbeat about it on previous visits. Sometimes it feels like this is a completely different world to me. Things that are important here mean nothing at home, and vice versa. I have little or nothing in common with most people here (including Tanja to a certain extent) so how am I supposed to make friends here?

Secondly (as if that wasn't enough ) there's Tanja's location. It's middle of nowhere as fas as I'm concerned. I'm not a city boy but I'm certainly not a country boy either, yet I feel like there things to see and do in the city, whereas in the country... less so to say the least. Back home I'm an hour away from 2 major cities, and 30 minutes from a smaller city. Here Tanja is 30 minutes away from the city which is fine, but back home I have a car, here I don't. That's not a big problem as there are coaches but I'm used to just hopping in my car if I want to go somewhere. Anyway, I'm hoping to get on a full-time language course there so hopefully I'll meet some people on that, but it's still something I worry about a lot.

One more thing, I'm a quiet, shy person anyway. I'd say I have 3-4 close friends and only 2 of those who I could talk to seriously so even though I get along with almost anyone as I'm an easy-going person, (I'm hard to be confrontational with ) it takes a long time for me to make friends as such.

How have you managed with making friends Jo? And how about your SO Mio?

I had no friends. (I still don't really, but I'm mostly ok with that) Without Obi I was vulnerable and lonely, I had nothing here but him. I also didn't have the money to leave, so I felt trapped.

I'm sorry to hear that Zephii

That's exactly what I fear will happen with me too...

[Zephii]

Secondly (as if that wasn't enough ) there's Tanja's location. It's middle of nowhere as fas as I'm concerned. I'm not a city boy but I'm certainly not a country boy either, yet I feel like there things to see and do in the city, whereas in the country... less so to say the least. Back home I'm an hour away from 2 major cities, and 30 minutes from a smaller city. Here Tanja is 30 minutes away from the city which is fine, but back home I have a car, here I don't.

I hear you on this too. I grew up in a very small town, but there was always reliable public transport to nearby cities, and even at home there was usually something to do because I had mates to do it with. Though I'm technically living in a city here, it doesn't feel like it. They have a small-town attitude and everything is very spread out. When you go to the inner city it's not shoulder-to-shoulder with other people. The only way you can tell it's a city is the buildings are taller and parking is expensive.

Not having common interests really does hold you back when making friends, but hopefully there will be others who are just like you in that language course. If not you could try getting involved with a religious group, a community event center or giving time to a charity.

LFAD has seriously been a god-send to me since I've been in Canada though. I have friends online, and that tends to help after a long day at work surrounded by people who don't speak my language. Much loves for you all!

[Bluestars]

My SO made an attempt to close the distance, but as I have explained before, it didn't work out for multiple reasons. Now, any talk of closing the distance freaks him out because of what happened before. I think we both agree that there was not enough planning, that it was too soon in our relationship, and that he didn't do it for the right reasons. He really rushed into it and that sort of backfired.

I can really relate to a few things that others have mentioned. We definitely thought that closing the distance would make our relationship so much easier, but really it was probably the hardest trial we have gone through. I know that it was probably one of the most difficult periods in my SOs life because he had never lived away from home before. He had a very horrible time adjusting.....He is very shy--like me--and he did not make any friends whatsoever. I lived an hour away, so it wasn't like he could hang out with me and my friends all of the time. We saw each other around three to four times a week, but he needed more than just me. He constantly told me that he felt lonely and isolated, and he became depressed because he didn't know anyone in the area. I tried helping him, and we went to a group from meetup.com, but really it was something that he had to face on his own and I couldn't make friends for him. It would have been easier if he had a job, but he couldn't find one.

The job was another issue. Because he became so depressed, it was hard for him to become motivated to find a job. When he did apply to places, he got really upset when they turned him down. In a lot of cases, he had too much experience and education for the part time jobs at restaurants and whatnot. After two months, he was running out of money and was still unemployed, which led to even more depression O_o We decided to together that it would be better for our relationship if he moved back home, and now we are back doing the long distance thing.

The move was definitely one of the most difficult challenges we have had in our relationship, and we are still facing the repercussions of it today. Even though it was over eight months ago, he had to start his life over when he moved back home. He had to find a new place to live, but luckily he got his old job back. Not only did we have a hard time adjusting to becoming CDR, it took us a long time adjusting back to LDR as well O_o After we were used to seeing each other around four times a week, it sucked having to go back to LDR.

We will eventually close the distance again, but we learned a lot from the first time around. I think next time we will probably move in with each other right away because being an hour apart was not very fun. I think it would be a lot less lonely. We also will put a lot more planning into the entire thing ^^;

[JoMarie]

Andy-As far as friends go, sadly I'm in the same boat as Zeph. I've become chummy with some of Kevin's friends and their wives/girlfriends but like you said I only have a few close friends and they have been a part of my life since we were born. I mean my best friend has been my very best friend since second grade. How do you replace that? You can't. It took me a little while to learn that I didn't have to replace my old life, I just have to add to it. In my opinion I've not made friends, but it's alright. I get lonely still once in a while but Kevin has been fantastic to help me with that.

You and Tanja have something special and I know that it'll be great for you to close the distance. You might have your rough spots. You're going to get homesick, and you're going to miss your friends and family more than you can imagine, BUT you'll have Tanja to help you through.

[Mio]

My SO has made a few friends, some where my friends, or people I knew. And some he met playing football. For him it wasn't that hard.

[Andy]

Not having common interests really does hold you back when making friends, but hopefully there will be others who are just like you in that language course. If not you could try getting involved with a religious group, a community event center or giving time to a charity.

Yeah this is another thing, we have pretty much zero in common when it comes to doing things. She loves horses whereas I've never been around them, she likes to go drinking and dancing (saying that I actually can't remember the last time she did...) whereas I don't drink and nightclubs are my idea of a living hell quite frankly. The sports I love (football and golf mainly) have next to no following at all here, I mean generally in Finland, but where Tanja lives I doubt some of the people have even heard of them...

So yeah... that's gonna be interesting finding things to do. I'd really like it if we could find a hobby we both enjoy doing together, and more than just watching movies, even if it was just a weekly thing...

My SO made an attempt to close the distance, but as I have explained before, it didn't work out for multiple reasons. Now, any talk of closing the distance freaks him out because of what happened before. I think we both agree that there was not enough planning, that it was too soon in our relationship, and that he didn't do it for the right reasons. He really rushed into it and that sort of backfired.

We will eventually close the distance again, but we learned a lot from the first time around. I think next time we will probably move in with each other right away because being an hour apart was not very fun. I think it would be a lot less lonely. We also will put a lot more planning into the entire thing ^^;

Sounds like you've had it tough there

I've always promised myself I wouldn't be moving until everything was sorted out down to the last detail. I'm a planner anyway, I like things to be organised and in order, not least when it comes to the biggest decisions I'll ever make

How long were you CD for?

We decided to together that it would be better for our relationship if he moved back home, and now we are back doing the long distance thing.

That's my biggest fear, and to me it's a very real one. I'm not sure I could see things working out if I had to move back home because where would we go from there? Tanja can't move to the UK and I would've been unable to cope with adapting to life in Finland. It keeps me awake at night sometimes that one...

Andy-As far as friends go, sadly I'm in the same boat as Zeph. I've become chummy with some of Kevin's friends and their wives/girlfriends but like you said I only have a few close friends and they have been a part of my life since we were born. I mean my best friend has been my very best friend since second grade. How do you replace that? You can't. It took me a little while to learn that I didn't have to replace my old life, I just have to add to it. In my opinion I've not made friends, but it's alright. I get lonely still once in a while but Kevin has been fantastic to help me with that.

You and Tanja have something special and I know that it'll be great for you to close the distance. You might have your rough spots. You're going to get homesick, and you're going to miss your friends and family more than you can imagine, BUT you'll have Tanja to help you through.

Thanks Jo, that's a nice way of looking at it about adding to your life rather than replacing it.

I've told Tanja over and over that I'm going to need her more than she can possibly imagine when I move here, and I know she knows that, but I still don't think she realises quite how much I'm going to need her.

My SO has made a few friends, some where my friends, or people I knew. And some he met playing football. For him it wasn't that hard.

I can't even do that

I mean, who doesn't like football? Right?

She would have to live in one of the few countries where no-one really cares for it wouldn't she...