That Feeling of Drowning in my Tears and Fears
Oh, man!!! First off, it's one of my usual but necessary apologies--I need to and will get around to replying to some of my more recent threads. Lately, I have been occupied with various things and when I have the chance to come on here, it is often only for enough time to browse around or make a comment on anything that really sticks out to me. The issues I need to comment on are quite serious ones and, so, I need to take some time to reply to them and the useful, thoughtful comments I have received.
I just have to vent this out (constructive replies are welcome, though) and maybe it will stop me from going down this path or give me some comfort. This is tied to the issue of the nature of the feelings he and I have or haven't expressed to to each other yet and how it's stuck in my mind about how he had only one love ever, who seemed to have scarred him emotionally...which, in turn, is a strong contributor to him not identifying or being ready for "love" with me yet...or, it seems like indefinitely...(since I have talked about it in-depth in other threads, I won't go on here...although, I guess, this is a rather strange response to one of the threads I mentioned above). Is it so very wrong that I would want to know more about her or what she was like? (Yes, I know that it isn't any of my business, but we humans are intelligent creatures with curiosity...) The side of me that skims books says that if I found out she was so very awesome for him to be "in love with the idea of her," that maybe I would concede defeat ("defeat" being that I view our relationship as finite, temporary, and reduce any goals, plans, bonds we have or I thought we had) and really be able to pull things back and just enjoy what time we have together, instead of agonizing over the imbalance in the expression of feelings in our relationship (as much as the carpe diem philosophy seems inspirational to me, I am a planner and like to look at the big picture and the smaller pictures)...well, maybe that isn't quite right. Maybe it's more that I want to be able to envision her as a person, instead of having this insurmountable ghost girl looming in the background of my relationship insecurities; she would at least be mortal, then. Though, on the other hand, I can see why he and anyone who may know about her (i.e. his best friend) have managed to kept any sort of information about her locked up tighter than Fort Knox (that's a rather vague statement, but I'm sure any of us can think of reasons for that, so there isn't a need to reiterate it). Still, it's strange that there isn't some sort of photo around or keepsake, that I might have stumbled onto by now. I suppose that I could just ask him more about her, but that would be painful for the both of us.
It's horrible and destructive and more likely that I would take things to heart (isn't that what I am doing right now anyway?...and isn't that why I can express my love, because I can take things to heart?), but I suppose that I couldn't help comparing myself. What is this unique mix of her that makes her special enough to be loved by him...and...is something that I don't have? (Yes, yes, I have my own mix of things that are special and I would never want to be someone else...but is this recipe for his love something I don't have yet...or will never have?). So, here I am, up late having work later and health problems that would benefit from sleep, and after only recently visiting with him in-person and having things going well between us...and what am I doing? I'm trying to figure out who she is.
I feel so terribly sad about all of this. He's not even here to dull the sadness with the comfort of holding me. I thank you all for reading this--it feels good somehow that someone out there could be hearing me and understanding me.
I just have to vent this out (constructive replies are welcome, though) and maybe it will stop me from going down this path or give me some comfort. This is tied to the issue of the nature of the feelings he and I have or haven't expressed to to each other yet and how it's stuck in my mind about how he had only one love ever, who seemed to have scarred him emotionally...which, in turn, is a strong contributor to him not identifying or being ready for "love" with me yet...or, it seems like indefinitely...(since I have talked about it in-depth in other threads, I won't go on here...although, I guess, this is a rather strange response to one of the threads I mentioned above). Is it so very wrong that I would want to know more about her or what she was like? (Yes, I know that it isn't any of my business, but we humans are intelligent creatures with curiosity...) The side of me that skims books says that if I found out she was so very awesome for him to be "in love with the idea of her," that maybe I would concede defeat ("defeat" being that I view our relationship as finite, temporary, and reduce any goals, plans, bonds we have or I thought we had) and really be able to pull things back and just enjoy what time we have together, instead of agonizing over the imbalance in the expression of feelings in our relationship (as much as the carpe diem philosophy seems inspirational to me, I am a planner and like to look at the big picture and the smaller pictures)...well, maybe that isn't quite right. Maybe it's more that I want to be able to envision her as a person, instead of having this insurmountable ghost girl looming in the background of my relationship insecurities; she would at least be mortal, then. Though, on the other hand, I can see why he and anyone who may know about her (i.e. his best friend) have managed to kept any sort of information about her locked up tighter than Fort Knox (that's a rather vague statement, but I'm sure any of us can think of reasons for that, so there isn't a need to reiterate it). Still, it's strange that there isn't some sort of photo around or keepsake, that I might have stumbled onto by now. I suppose that I could just ask him more about her, but that would be painful for the both of us.
It's horrible and destructive and more likely that I would take things to heart (isn't that what I am doing right now anyway?...and isn't that why I can express my love, because I can take things to heart?), but I suppose that I couldn't help comparing myself. What is this unique mix of her that makes her special enough to be loved by him...and...is something that I don't have? (Yes, yes, I have my own mix of things that are special and I would never want to be someone else...but is this recipe for his love something I don't have yet...or will never have?). So, here I am, up late having work later and health problems that would benefit from sleep, and after only recently visiting with him in-person and having things going well between us...and what am I doing? I'm trying to figure out who she is.
I feel so terribly sad about all of this. He's not even here to dull the sadness with the comfort of holding me. I thank you all for reading this--it feels good somehow that someone out there could be hearing me and understanding me.