Joy reaches out to me in rescue.
So, after feeling the way I did last night/early in the morning, I decided that I should send him the majority of the post I wrote. I told him how I felt that thing had been going well for us and that I didn't want to disrupt that or to stress us out, but that we never were talking about this issue. It needed to be discussed and I needed to express how I felt. All day, I suffered the ramifications of staying up so late and still need to get to sleep. I was so worried about the outcome of what I had said and wondered if I should have said nothing.
He phoned me this evening (later than usual) and he tried to have a normal conversation about our days, which went rather well, oddly. Then, he wanted to talk about the email I had sent and I spiralled further and further into a pit of dread about what he was going to say (and he, in the mean time, struggled for words...with a lot of empty air space of sickening suspense between). Any hope I had had for a constructive result kind of bottomed out when he said that me sending the email had made him feel rather backed into a corner and, at first, like I was trying to force his hand, though he acknowledged that I couldn't have known that when the goal was to express how I was feeling, only...which he grew to understand by thinking about it through the day.
There was another pause and I felt like I was going to be tossed around like an orca does to a bludgeoned seal, hearing all about his past love. Instead, though...
...he told me that he loves me. I just went into surround sound silence, if that makes sense. Stunned. I am still rather stunned. I was too worried about what he had said previously and was apologizing for making him feel uncomfortable, before I would let what he had to say sink in. It turns out that my email was a case of poor timing and was rather uncessary, as he had been planning to write me a very romantic letter about being in love with me. He had wanted so badly to say "I love you" back to me when I had texted him something this weekend, but didn't think that was enough for a first time confession of love (and I agree that I am so glad it wasn't said with a text the first time). In fact, he thought it would be best in-person and I agree, too, but he recognised that neither of us could or wanted to wait that long. Ah! Well, me being me (and also with me suddenly feeling so very shy and using humour to distract from it), I fussed about still wanting a letter and he said that he would send me one about it, but a "different kind." So, I wished for a time machine to not have sent my email. He said that he wouldn't have wished for that and implied that the email actually came when it needed to. He did make a wish more in keeping with mine, that he might have started to read the email and replied to me asking if I was sure that I really wanted him to read it. Ah! ...but then, I think it was fated, because I wouldn't have known he was holding off for something good, but would think it would be out of indifference or peacekeeping, so I may still have had him read it.
How do I feel right now? It hasn't sunk in yet! ...and I told him I was feeling shy about it and he asked me why in the most beautiful, angelic tone, which sang through my soul like the sweetest melody--I really could hear love in his voice. Ah, now I am crying, but at least they are happy tears, instead of sad ones!
He phoned me this evening (later than usual) and he tried to have a normal conversation about our days, which went rather well, oddly. Then, he wanted to talk about the email I had sent and I spiralled further and further into a pit of dread about what he was going to say (and he, in the mean time, struggled for words...with a lot of empty air space of sickening suspense between). Any hope I had had for a constructive result kind of bottomed out when he said that me sending the email had made him feel rather backed into a corner and, at first, like I was trying to force his hand, though he acknowledged that I couldn't have known that when the goal was to express how I was feeling, only...which he grew to understand by thinking about it through the day.
There was another pause and I felt like I was going to be tossed around like an orca does to a bludgeoned seal, hearing all about his past love. Instead, though...
...he told me that he loves me. I just went into surround sound silence, if that makes sense. Stunned. I am still rather stunned. I was too worried about what he had said previously and was apologizing for making him feel uncomfortable, before I would let what he had to say sink in. It turns out that my email was a case of poor timing and was rather uncessary, as he had been planning to write me a very romantic letter about being in love with me. He had wanted so badly to say "I love you" back to me when I had texted him something this weekend, but didn't think that was enough for a first time confession of love (and I agree that I am so glad it wasn't said with a text the first time). In fact, he thought it would be best in-person and I agree, too, but he recognised that neither of us could or wanted to wait that long. Ah! Well, me being me (and also with me suddenly feeling so very shy and using humour to distract from it), I fussed about still wanting a letter and he said that he would send me one about it, but a "different kind." So, I wished for a time machine to not have sent my email. He said that he wouldn't have wished for that and implied that the email actually came when it needed to. He did make a wish more in keeping with mine, that he might have started to read the email and replied to me asking if I was sure that I really wanted him to read it. Ah! ...but then, I think it was fated, because I wouldn't have known he was holding off for something good, but would think it would be out of indifference or peacekeeping, so I may still have had him read it.
How do I feel right now? It hasn't sunk in yet! ...and I told him I was feeling shy about it and he asked me why in the most beautiful, angelic tone, which sang through my soul like the sweetest melody--I really could hear love in his voice. Ah, now I am crying, but at least they are happy tears, instead of sad ones!
The Day we went long distance: 08.08.2010
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