breaking up because of distance? please help. :(

[mangoluverin]

ge of both you and your ex: I am 22, he is 20.

Length of the relationship: 4 months when we broke up.

Describe your relationship history together: A very intense history. I was studying abroad in Australia and met him in May. Basically after a week of knowing each other, we became involved. He said I love you within a couple of weeks, I met his family, went on holiday with him etc. From the very beginning we were unsure about what to do when I would leave - we were both scared about LDR, but a couple of months or so before I left we decided to give it a go because we loved each other a lot and thought it would be stupid to give up on something special despite our fears (first serious relationship for both of us).
When I left, we were determined to make it work and said we would do whatever it took.

Their reason for breaking up: the distance and uncertainty over the future. I am in USA at the moment finishing up my last year at university and he is in his first year back in Australia. I was scared about being in a LDR for a few years and told him so, but I wanted to make it work. But 6 weeks after we had been apart physically, he said that he loved me and missed me, but LDR was getting too hard for him, he felt that he was not as close to me anymore (and that he didnt think we could fix it). When 20 mins before he had been telling me that a lDR wasnt ideal but unavoidable, but after I told him how hard it was some days I guess he changed his mind. And he didnt know what country I would be living in after graduation, (since I dont think I can end up in Australia right after graduation), when we would become a normal couple etc. Also he thought that even if we did last till the distance ended, we might want different things out of life so we might not be happy together (He wants kids, I am on the fence about this atm for instance). I was planning on visiting in 8 months and we were both really excited - but I dont know whats wrong. I thought it was because he might need physical intimacy - and we did discuss and rejected the notion of an open relationship.


We aren't talking at the moment because I needed space. But I want him in my life as a friend and he wants it too, But really I want to get back together with him. But the distance is clearly going to be a factor - I am willing to be in a LDR for a few years till we are in a more stable point in our lives and can end up together, and he was willing to be in one too before I left. And the distance isn't going to end anytime soon. So should I even try to get him back? If so - is there anyway to convince him again that a LDR can and does work? Or should I just let it go since he hasnt made any move to contact me and doesnt think he can do long distance? Very confused. Thanks for any help!

[LadyMarchHare]

There are people who can't handle the lack of physical affection and seeing someone every day. It sounds like your ex didn't know exactly what he was getting into (it's hard to, I suppose) but if he's still holding a flame for you there's no reason not to try.

As for convincing him, have him look here, tell him the success stories of the alumni on this forum, how plenty have walked through hell and back to be with their SOs and regret nothing. Talk it out with him, the only way you'll surefire fail is if you do nothing at all and sit there wondering constantly about the 'what if's and 'could have been's.

[Riyko]

Maybe my situation will help you out some

Age of both you and your ex: ex - 25, Me - 24

Length of the relationship: 3 years 1 month (we broke up in July 2010)

Describe your relationship history together: We clicked the moment we met at our college in Canada and spent almost everyday together up until I had to come back home in April 2010. We got along really well with the occasional fights. I'm just going to shorten my relationship history lol.

Their reason for breaking up: The distance and he couldn't do a relationship being long distance as he needs to be able to physically hold the person.

I will say this unless he wants to get back together right now there isn't much if anything you can do and I know it hurts to hear that, but it's the truth if the distance isn't going to change anytime soon then it will be harder to make him see that an LDR is going to last. I understand your hurt and upset by his decision because everything was going well, but think about him and what he's going through right now.

[Zephii]

You could just remain friends and be a big part of each other's lives? I know there is always the fear and the risk that they'll find someone else and be happy (and it's painful to watch even if you're happy for them) but it gives you plenty of time to think and talk without the pressure of actually being in a relationship. Work out what you want as individuals, and if your goals are the same and you want each other, go for it!

If you do want to have a crack at a relationship despite everything, it's going to take some sacrifices. That's just how it is. Your partner needs to be a priority in your life, and sometimes that means missing out on things or delaying other areas of your life. Work out what you need, what he needs, what you're willing to give up and about half a dozen different hypothetical plans on how you could close the distance and on what time scale. Also look at how frequently you'd want to have visits, and plan how you'd achieve that.

The other thing is, LDRs tend to be very serious compared to regular dating. You need to talk openly about the hard subjects well in advance, because you need to know where you're going and what you're fighting for. You also need to be willing to put in the effort to keep it fun and romantic. Fulfilling each other's needs at a distance isn't always easy, and often it seems new LDRs don't realise that, which causes boredom and loneliness. That's where people start feeling "not so close" - are you doing all the things to keep you feeling close?

I fear this wasn't particularly helpful, but that's my 2c

[mangoluverin]

If you do want to have a crack at a relationship despite everything, it's going to take some sacrifices. That's just how it is. Your partner needs to be a priority in your life, and sometimes that means missing out on things or delaying other areas of your life. Work out what you need, what he needs, what you're willing to give up and about half a dozen different hypothetical plans on how you could close the distance and on what time scale. Also look at how frequently you'd want to have visits, and plan how you'd achieve that.

The other thing is, LDRs tend to be very serious compared to regular dating. You need to talk openly about the hard subjects well in advance, because you need to know where you're going and what you're fighting for. You also need to be willing to put in the effort to keep it fun and romantic. Fulfilling each other's needs at a distance isn't always easy, and often it seems new LDRs don't realise that, which causes boredom and loneliness. That's where people start feeling "not so close" - are you doing all the things to keep you feeling close?

I fear this wasn't particularly helpful, but that's my 2c

Thanks for the perspective. We did have a long talk before I left about how hard a ldr would be and the different things we would need to figure out - re trust/communication etc and we were on the same page about it. Plan for closing the distance was in around 3/4 years when he is done with uni (he is a first year). And we tried to do evth to keep it fun - skype dates (including naughty ones)/ecards/letters etc. But he inherently seems to believe that ldrs are in some ways flawed and not healthy relationships. My perspective is that yes its hard but the other person makes it worth it and if he doesnt share that than there is nothing I guess I can do at the moment.

I did send out a message saying we should try and be friends (he wanted that too) and meanwhile I guess I will try to move on. Maybe he needs to grow up more and be more mature before he is ready for the sort of commitment that a ldr requires. My only fear is that - will trying to be friends make it hard for us to move on? Is it even possible with fresh exes? Any thoughts?

[Kika]

well, I'm in a similar situation, I'm in my first year and my so is at home, we plan to end up LDR in 4 years. Since I came to uni, I met lots of awesome people and a few guys, who are interested in me... they are more than friendly to me, doing all those little things that my boyfriend should do (these guys know that I'm taken and I told them they can try as much as they want, but I'm not going to break up with my gorgoeus boyfriend), and because of that I felt really sad one evening. I missed my boyfriend doing all this. I can't have him here in person, but I told him about that and he ensured me that he still misses me and loves me. That was all I needed, I'm happy again maybe your boyfriend is like me, there is too much freshers trying to get a bf/gf and he feels like missing out something and wondering if you are still determined to stay with him... there is too much flirting going on and my bf doesn't want to be clingy, i sometimes miss a bit of clinginess

[Zephii]

Well Obi and I tried to move on and just be friends and now I'm in Canada... so sometimes staying friends doesn't quite work out the way you planned.

But yeah, believing LDRs are inherently flawed would put a dampener on things, and four years is a long time.