For those who are divorced

[LeilaniJoi]

Did you find it difficult to get over the "marriage" part even after you were well over your ex? My marriage was such a sham that I didn't have anything to mourn really... we were separate a long time before we actually broke up.

Not really talking about the split of assets or finances, or children, just the overall marriage and the sanctity of it in general. I would love to hear some more thoughts on this though from someone who has been through it.

[temporaryuser]

I was married for 11 years. he had a 5 yo daughter when we married. She was the ultimate cause of the divorce. Her attitude, and his lack of parenting ("I dont want to make her mad" attitude that caused her to run the streets and be a complete bitch). She was 9 when I got pregnant with my son. Ex h was never around, leaving me to raise both kids.
So, the marriage was really over years before it ended officially. And in NC, the law is such that you must be sperated (living in seperate residences) for 1 year and 1 day before you can even apply for a divorce. So that year gave me the distance I needed to walk away from it all

[haribo0603]

I was married for 6 years, and 4 and half years of my marriage time my ex shouted and broke things every night. I knew he complained about his life and he was jealous of me because my work was going well. I tried to support him but on the other hand I was very scared that he might hurt me.
We had no children, so we have no contact to each other now. But an aftereffect of my marriage life has left me an fear to talk with men for many years. I have also learnt from my marriage that an ordinary life with someone who I love - just being with my SO - is very important for me.

[Dezface]

I still love the idea of marriage and there 's such a big part of me that's absolutely crushed that I couldn't make mine work. I'm not religious, so that has no bearing. It's that I took vows, I made promises, and I didn't keep them. And they weren't kept to me. My SO and I have both said we'll never pressure each other into marriage because we're both divorced but it's hard because I always wanted to be married. Going from having a husband to having a boyfriend feels like a downgrade and not because of the person, just the title. I just wish I could have married him in the first place. I hope someday I'll fully come to terms with my broken marriage and how it's wrecked my view on things.

[leonsfangirl]

I was only married for just over 2 years but i lived with my Ex for 10 years in total.

I had serious doubts before i even got married and in the end i got married because i felt i should. I'd have 2 children with him and everybody expected me to so i went ahead with it. I met my SO about 2-3 weeks later, and i wish I'd met him sooner because i honestly think i wouldnt have gone through it.

My marriage was over before it began, so i had nothing to mourn when it ended. I felt guilty for calling it quits after only 2 years and i concerned about what everybody else would think. As for myself, I felt relieved. I didnt have to hide,lie and cheat anymore. I had no problem filing for divorce 3 months after the split and I was happy to finally get the divorce finialised as i felt that i was finally free to move on and it would give my Ex closure.

[LeilaniJoi]

I still love the idea of marriage and there 's such a big part of me that's absolutely crushed that I couldn't make mine work. I'm not religious, so that has no bearing. It's that I took vows, I made promises, and I didn't keep them. And they weren't kept to me. My SO and I have both said we'll never pressure each other into marriage because we're both divorced but it's hard because I always wanted to be married. Going from having a husband to having a boyfriend feels like a downgrade and not because of the person, just the title. I just wish I could have married him in the first place. I hope someday I'll fully come to terms with my broken marriage and how it's wrecked my view on things.

This is the context I meant,but thank you everyone for your replies. My SO admitted to me the other night that he's not over his marriage. Over the ex, oh yes most emphatically, but not over the marriage. I guess with my own marriage being over years before we actually split there was nothing to mourn and I'm ready to move on, but I have to admit his admission made me a little sad.

I have no doubts that he loves me but I like to think that in the last year and a half we have been together I've managed to replace at least some of that negativity. Honestly, I don't know what to think or feel about it.

[Honeypie]

I had nothing to get over ... it had been over for years & I was better off without him & I knew it. I wished I'd been able to stand up for myself years earlier

[notyourexgirlfriend]

My most recent marriage died long before we separated. I knew he no longer cared about me the day I had a fall off my horse (my horse got his hoof caught in a ground wire in the yard that was a running line for the dog to be tied up. My ex was supposed to have cut it some months previous) and he flipped and landed on me. I was trampled when my horse got up. When I hobbled inside, bruised and bleeding my ex said to me "So, I suppose you want me to take you to the hospital?" in a very sarcastic tone. I was in shock and just had a shower and went to bed. I could've had internal injuries but he didn't insist on taking me in to the hospital he just shrugged it off and left me. It was some 6 months after that when my ex friend asked if she could move onto the property after she split with her lesbian partner. Within 6 weeks of her moving in, I was out and had to leave my daughter behind. I had nowhere to go and ended up flying back to my hometown and moving back in with my parents. For a 30something that's not an easy thing to do. On top of that I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type II).

My ex friend moved into my ex husband's bed and confused the hell out of our child. She's with me at the moment on holiday visitation and I get the decision handed down with regard to custody (majority) from the Federal Magistrate tomorrow morning. My ex forged my signature on bank documents and tried to pass them off as real, got caught and convicted. He still is a police officer in the state he lives in but he received a fine, a good behaviour bond and a demotion of two ranks as well as a rather significant pay cut. I mourned the marriage. I mourned it for what it was but more for what it wasn't. A passive aggressive ex who has many markers of being a sociopath.

I guess the saying of "The best revenge for a woman who steals your man is to let her keep him". I'm a firm believer of that. I don't miss being married. I celebrated the day my Decree Nisi (Decree Absolute) arrived at my lawyer's office. I consider that a dark chapter of my life but the light of that dark is my 7yo daughter who, despite so many odds has come out of this much better than expected.

[blankita719]

My ex and I never married but we were together for almost 8 years and engaged. It did take a while for me to get comfortable with the idea of moving on and into another relationship. I think it would have been similar if we had actually gone through with getting married. I can see how it would be hard to overcome feeling inadequate because you failed at a marriage - even if you did nothing wrong. I feel it when I think about my failed engagement.

[garnet]

I was married for 11 years, though we were over a couple of years before I could afford to file. He was the one that f'd that one up, but I felt like a failure because we were high school sweethearts who long beat the odds, and still, in the end, here we are. Couldn't make it work. I thought we had everyone that was so horrible to us for getting married at 18 & 19, but they got the last laugh. I got a heartbreak as I filed, he got one after he FINALLY realized what he lost. For a long long time, I missed the feeling of knowing I had someone no matter what, even though he treated me very badly. I missed the security. :/

My current (second) marriage has been brief, so brief that I never got to feel that way, the safe, secure, forever feeling. We had one nightmare together after another, and it's too much. I feel awful about what has happened, but not really about the marriage this time. (I'm not divorced but I don't know…)

[LeilaniJoi]

garnet, that's how I am with my ex. We were together for 8 years but I knew fairly new into it that it wasn't going to work. I never felt that sense of security and "forever" with him and in retrospect, should never have married him but hindsight yanno...

My relationship now, I feel more secure after a year and a half together than I did in 8 years with my ex. That's pretty sad but it's true. We have our ups and downs but the whole feel of it is different.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

After reading some more responses I too had the feeling that something just wasn't quite right. Maybe I need to listen to that little voice a bit more often. Right now I feel so very comfortable with what I have with my SO. We may only get to see each other a few times a year but for some reason that doesn't bother me. It'd different and I'm not sure how to explain it.

[Moon]

After my first marriage, I did have a sense of loss, I felt like if I were a better person, I could have been good enough to make it work, make my husband want to be home at night with us, want to keep a job, want to stop drinking, etc. I felt like such a failure, but I was very young then and didn't know any better. We really only married because we had a daughter and he joined the navy (Which lasted less than a month before he managed to get kicked out!!), otherwise we would have waited long enough for me to smarten up first, but at the time it really stung. We were together since high school, and then I thought of course we'd last forever. It may have taken a while to get over the marriage, but I learned a lot from it and therefore don't regret it.

My second marriage, ugh, I felt nothing but free and happy when then awful sham finally died. I might have lost a house and some money in the deal, but felt no sense of personal loss whatsoever!