Continue or Give up

[Nikki9]

I have now been seeing a guy long distance for about 5 months (we met online & then in person) and we have only just started talking about relationships & what we want out of seeing each other. He has just moved even further away (6 hours drive instead of 3) and I am trying to decide whether it is worth the effort to keep seeing him. At the moment we see each other in person about once a month & text every day.

I asked whether he wants to be in a relationship or not & his reply was that he likes me & thinks we get along well but doesn't see how we can be anything more than casual with such a big distance between us. I don't really know his definition of casual but if it's the same as mine then he obviously isn't into this as much as I am. I think he might have a different definition though given that he has already introduced me to his parents, family & a lot of his friends.

The other problem is that we are so compatible which doesn't happen very often for me. I have probably met 2 other guys in my life who I would say are just about as compatible & I had relationships with both of them but this guy is more suitable for me than either of them. I have fairly high standards & it's not often I meet a guy I like so would I be silly to throw that away now because of a few hundred kilometres? Plus I'm already 30 years old, if I give up on this guy what are the chances that I will meet someone else who I can imagine spending my life with before I want to start having kids.

I will obviously be discussing this with him as well but sometimes its nice to have an outside perspective so any advice is welcome.

[Sora1101]

Distance has hardly any effect on whether or not you can be in a relationship, look at me my SO lives 2000+ miles away and we've managed just fine for almost 3 years and we only see each other once a year. Honestly I hate when people say you can't be together due to distance, it's a lame excuse that is completely false, if you truly want it you make it happen.

You should ask him what his definition of casual is and if it's not what you want you should tell him what you want and that there's plenty of proof here that LDR's can and do work, if he still doesn't want to be in a relationship all you can do is either wait it out until one of you can move to the other or give up on him and move on, no point in wasting your time chasing someone who doesn't want to date you.

[Nikki9]

Yay, that is exactly what I have been thinking - I'm so glad that someone else agrees, and its so great to hear about long distance relationships working out.

Most of our communication is text or email due to conflicting schedules (plus he is very shy & not great with talking about this stuff in person) so I have already sent him an email asking what his definition of casual is. I have also asked what his expectations would be in terms of exclusivity, 'couple' activities, meeting of families etc (he hasn't met mine yet). I suspect that he possibly wants a relationship in all but name which annoys me even more.

I totally agree that distance is a lame excuse, especially when it is only a one hour flight & he is a pilot!! If he is not willing to put in the effort then I don't think I should be wasting any more time. If he really wants to be with me, it should be worth the fight right?

[MadMolly]

If you guys have a clear idea of when the distance will end, then it's much easier to go forward with these things. As it stands now, you are in a position where you have to decide on your future as a couple before you are even really together, which is one of the downfalls of a LDR. Once you've figured out a plan that both of you are okay with, then go from there.

[temporaryuser]

5 months is still a very new relationship. The distance doesnt matter, but I would talk to him about what he thinks he can handle, if you can continue seeing each other every month, if you are going to be exclusive (5 months is long enough to know wether you want to be casual enough to see other people) etc.
Communication is so important n a ldr. if you can talk/email/text on a regular basis, and be open and honest with each other, then it can definitely work out.
Is there a chance of ever closing the distance? Tho at this pooint, that shouldnt be a huge factor in deciding wether to give this a go, as so many things can change.
regarding your age, dont assume if you quit on this guy that you will bnever meet anyone else you are compatible with.

[haribo0603]

If I understand your situation rightly, now there seems to be no serious or urgent reason to give up. With a relationship in LD or for over 30, critical factors may happen in the future, e.g. family matters, a job, a baby, or a good friend in non-LD. It is good he says he likes you and you think he is more suitable than others. So I recommend just to see how things go for a while, and to think how much he is important in your life or how much you want to keep your present life style (e.g. job or something obstructive for moving).

[Kiyama]

I think you've already got a lot of good advice here. I want to add one thing: don't be afraid that you are too old to find someone else. That's simply not true. There are a lot of great people out there and clinging to something that will not work out (if you figure out that you're with someone who doesn't want the same you do), is not going to help. That way you'll walk around with your eyes closed, wishing the other person finally sees how amazing you are, which is probably not going to happen and you take the opportunity away to meet someone new. That is of course only, he will not give you a clear answer on the status of your relationship sometime in the near future. I think five months is enough to decide whether you want to be serious or not.

[Nikki9]

Thanks for all the great advice guys, it has been really helpful & I can now see a useful way forward. You have all given me hope that a future is possible despite the distance.

To clarify a few things, closing the distance is possible & something I have considered. It can't happen for at least 6 months (I own a house where I live & need to finish a few things before I can sell it) but I am very flexible with what happens after that because I never planned to stay in this town anyway. I guess what I want to know is whether he is someone worth moving for & whether that is something he wants. I am in the process of finding out what he means by casual & what he actually wants out of this whole situation. If he doesn't want to see other people and can see us being together in the future then I am happy to carry on but if he couldn't care less either way then what is the point.

As for the not finding anyone else part - I didn't mean that I didn't think I could find anyone else compatible, I'm sure that would happen eventually. What I was more concerned about is that I want to start seriously thinking about having kids in about 3 years, if not sooner. From past experience I'm not convinced that I would meet someone else & have long enough to develop the relationship before then. I know that these things can't always be planned & I am more than prepared to be a single mum (& I will be financially able to do this) but it's just something else that enters the complicated equation.

[Honeypie]

I really don't have anything else to add .... just wanted to wish you good luck