LDR...in sickness and in health?

[triste]

This is a tough post for me, but one I hope someone might have some experience with.

Last month I fell ill. I have been in and out of the hospital and have had surgeries and will be undergoing treatment for quite some time yet, with very rigorous and lots of bad side effects, some very harmful long term.

I don't know what is the worst part about this, but I know that the best is that my SO has handled better than I could have imagined. I am starting to see another side of him, one that has been blurred by me missing him, or us being horny and "needing" each other. Our relationship was always more than that...but this is really a different perspective (one that I do not wish on anyone), so I just try and make it into the best I can.

That said, somedays are better than others. Today, I felt awful, yesterday was much better and he called texted and video'd me all day and night to entertain me. Today, it kind of ended badly, though not really, just not great cause I wasn't feeling great and just misunderstood something and totally blew something out of proportion that luckily he realized and called me on it and we just got off the phone cause we knew we needed to do that.

I am not allowed to travel due to the latest treatment which I just started last week, not that I feel that great anymore anyway, but we had planned on my coming this month and that won't be happening. My SO has such a tough schedule for his rotations that he only has one or two days off a month so we were trying hard to make it work. At this point, we no longer have a date...though I still cling to the hope that i am well enough to travel for Christmas with my son to see him.

I just wonder...when you are sick, do you always tell them you are? Sometimes I just want to not think about being sick, but other times it is all consuming. I don't want our every conversation to be about how I feel in a given moment, or what this doctor said and then the surgeon said this...blah, blah. He cares, he is worried, this I know, but at some point, I worry that it will be too much.

So, how do you handle it? Do you admit when your down? What if you are down more than up?

[Zephii]

I think this is a real quality thread.

First up, I'm sorry you've been so sick. I hope you're on the mend soon and can travel for Christmas.

When I'm sick, yeah, I tell my SO. Because I act differently when I'm not feeling great, and am sometimes quite short/impatient and occasionally downright mean. It's good for him to know where I'm at, and why I'm acting like a dick.
I also tend to need to remind him (way more frequently than I'd like) that I'm not well, because I do try to just "get on with it" as much as possible and sometimes he forgets that I'm feeling like arse and need more help/have more limitations than usual.

When I say something negative, I do try to follow with something positive though, because I hate being a Debbie downer. So I'll be like "I've been miserable all day because of <whatever it is>. On the bright side I caught up on some reading and I want to share <something cool> with you" I don't want to focus on how I feel when I feel like crap.. and this is how I avoid it becoming "too much" if it goes on for a long period. I can, in a very positive voice, say "I feel like shit, but my day is better now you're here. How are you?"

But like you said, sometimes you can't think of anything else. In those moments, I really make up for my good days where I don't whinge and try to remain positive. On those days I admit that I want to be babied a little. I think the key thing is communicating what you need, when you need it, while also remaining aware of what the other person needs.

[Moon]

Yep, I'd tell him. As Zephii said, I'm not my normal self when I'm not well, and while I try to not make a big deal out of it, I might be snappy, or tired, or quiet, etc. I want him to know why, and just maybe get a bit of sympathy That being said, I'm talking about something like the flu, not a serious illness like what you're going through, and I'm not sure how much that would change my answer, never having experienced that. I think if he asked, I'd tell him pretty truthfully how I feel that day, then move on if I could, unless it's a particularly bad or good day. The only reason I say this is because my ex-husband had a brain tumor found 3 months into our marriage, and he made sure to bring it up constantly, several times a day at least, even years after it was gone, it can wear on your loved ones after awhile and it can turn into being the center of your relationship (not saying you're doing that!). So yeah, he should definitely know how you feel every day, but as sick as you are, make sure his needs are met as well as much as you can. It'll make his job of taking care of you easier. Talk about it, then ask him how the Bucs, Dolphins, or Jags are doing

Good luck to you, I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

[triste]

When I say something negative, I do try to follow with something positive though, because I hate being a Debbie downer. So I'll be like "I've been miserable all day because of <whatever it is>. On the bright side I caught up on some reading and I want to share <something cool> with you" I don't want to focus on how I feel when I feel like crap.. and this is how I avoid it becoming "too much" if it goes on for a long period. I can, in a very positive voice, say "I feel like shit, but my day is better now you're here. How are you?"

But like you said, sometimes you can't think of anything else. In those moments, I really make up for my good days where I don't whinge and try to remain positive. On those days I admit that I want to be babied a little. I think the key thing is communicating what you need, when you need it, while also remaining aware of what the other person needs.

Thank you, this is so true. I really need to try hard to have something positive to say, and really, there is a lot of positive to be said. Thank you for your kind words.

I do mean this thread to be for just colds and flue too...oh and headaches and just bad days too. I think I find that it is such a fine line between sharing and whining these days. Again, really appreciate the advice, thanks.

[triste]

I think if he asked, I'd tell him pretty truthfully how I feel that day, then move on if I could, unless it's a particularly bad or good day. The only reason I say this is because my ex-husband had a brain tumor found 3 months into our marriage, and he made sure to bring it up constantly, several times a day at least, even years after it was gone, it can wear on your loved ones after awhile and it can turn into being the center of your relationship (not saying you're doing that!).

Thank you Moon.
That sounds like a tough situation and yes, I have have a sick family member so I am super sensitive to talking too much about being sick, for that exact reason, at some point, we need to suck it up and well, get over in in a sense. Yet, of course, my strong arms are not here to hold me, and all I have are my words...so like you and Zephii say, I will choose them wisely. For me it is the realization that getting better will take time and that I will feel down but that I need to find my strength and not dwell on this. You know how they say if you smile and say you feel great when someone asks you how you are...that smile makes a difference not only to you, but to them.
Thanks again, needed some support.

[Verojoon]

I think the key thing is communicating what you need, when you need it, while also remaining aware of what the other person needs.

THIS!!

Not just in this situation, but in everything... I think THIS just may be the key to everything when it comes to all the relationships in our lives! I feel like I need to post these words up on my walls or something...

[Sora1101]

I try to hide when I'm feeling sick from my SO but it never works he always seems to know. And one day I was feeling extremely terrible and I told my SO because I wanted some comfort but what does he do? He calls my best friend so she can rush me to the hospital because my parents were out of town, turns out I have Polycystic Kidney Disease and some of the cysts burst open which causes extreme pain. My SO saved me hours of torture because I hate going to the hospital.

Now my SO will have to put up with my disease because it will always be apart of me, frequent hospital visits, the possibility of me needing a new kidney and or dialysis, I have to constantly watch what I eat and my blood pressure becomes extremely high when the cysts burst because of the pain (literally to heart attack level) and a shortened life span (my grandfather, and two of my aunts have died young because of this and now my dad is getting sick because of it as well) there is no cure and there's a 50% chance that I'll pass it on to any kids we may have. Even though we have to go through this now he's still willing to stand by me no matter what.

[triste]

I try to hide when I'm feeling sick from my SO but it never works he always seems to know. And one day I was feeling extremely terrible and I told my SO because I wanted some comfort but what does he do? He calls my best friend so she can rush me to the hospital because my parents were out of town, turns out I have Polycystic Kidney Disease and some of the cysts burst open which causes extreme pain. My SO saved me hours of torture because I hate going to the hospital.

Now my SO will have to put up with my disease because it will always be apart of me, frequent hospital visits, the possibility of me needing a new kidney and or dialysis, I have to constantly watch what I eat and my blood pressure becomes extremely high when the cysts burst because of the pain (literally to heart attack level) and a shortened life span (my grandfather, and two of my aunts have died young because of this and now my dad is getting sick because of it as well) there is no cure and there's a 50% chance that I'll pass it on to any kids we may have. Even though we have to go through this now he's still willing to stand by me no matter what.

That is a tough illness you are dealing with Sora. Sounds like your SO knows you very well and has been taking very good care of you It just shows how well we can have a true relationship even LDR, and we do deal with ALL circumstances.

I think my SO knows me pretty well too, even when I pretend...my new favorite thing is to make up a full day of what I would have done if I felt good, that usually goes over good (he of course knows I didn't really go shopping and buy 8 dresses and shoes to match (I hate shopping)), but then I have to fess up by the end and admit what I really did, or rather, didn't do! It is actually fairly entertaining, so when you are down, give it a try! Of course, no lying, just playing!

[Anyaheirkoya]

I know, I know, I'm in the wrong forum category...I just wanted to share how I've handled this.

I suffer from OCD, severe Depression and anxiety, and various annoyances- Allergies, Asthma, Acid Reflux disease, crippling menstrual cramps. I've always tried to be as open as possible with him about what I have to deal with. It took him a long time to even be able to tell that I really did suffer from these things- I'm really great at hiding them, even with the people I love.

I think he definitely grasps how things are for me, now- but at the same time, he's also helped me to see that I'm far stronger than I give myself credit for. He's tender with me- but refuses to hear me put myself down, or say, "I can't."
Letting him be aware of what I go through frustrates him, that he can't fix it, but it's added an opportunity for understanding and closeness, even when I'm hurting and crabby. lol.

[THINK2MUCH]

...Our relationship was always more than that...but this is really a different perspective (one that I do not wish on anyone), so I just try and make it into the best I can.
That said, somedays are better than others. Today, I felt awful, yesterday was much better and he called texted and video'd me all day and night to entertain me. Today, it kind of ended badly, though not really, just not great cause I wasn't feeling great and just misunderstood something and totally blew something out of proportion that luckily he realized and called me on it and we just got off the phone cause we knew we needed to do to that.

Wow, this site hasn't ceased to amaze me since I discovered it!!! You're all a great community (hats off to you all).

In regard to the part of your post that I am quoting, I think that, hard as it is in your present condition, you have to be understanding of your SO's reactions and try to be entirely honest when it comes to expressing how you feel so there are no misunderstandings between you and him.

It's hard to be the one that is not ill too, and I think he's doing a great job at being supportive.

This year something similar happened to me. One day I was having a conversation with my SO and he mentioned that he wasn't feeling really well. I practically begged him to go see a doctor, but he said that he was just going to take a pill and try to sleep. The next morning I texted him to say good morning and he texted back..."I'm in the hospital can't talk". That was the last I heard of him until the next day's evening. That was truly awful, especially since I couldn't get ahold of him or anyone who might tell me what was going on.
His health is not good by any means, so honestly at some point I started expecting the worst.
Long story short...I finally got a text explaining his condition and made all kind of sudden arrangements to fly there to see him the very next day. (that wasn't easy at all).

I truly believe that couples have to talk about their health condition. Sometimes problems are already there by the time the relationship starts, and before getting involved people should consider this seriously. Illness has a big impact on relationships, and in order to make things work, couples should have a clear perspective on what they are both bound for.
When one of them gets ill suddenly they should do the same. Painful as it is, they might want to reconsider the whole relationship in order to not hurt eachother.

Don't worry that it'll be too much for your SO. That's underestimating him, talk to him about all of it. If he is willing to go through it all with you that's something you owe him.

I made my SO promise me to never, even dare, to leave me in the dark when it came to his health and he did so. So far we're doing well. Now he's even scheduling all his doctors' appointments when he knows I'll be in the US. I know his health will always be an issue. As I told him I can always accept if something just happens, but I'll never forgive him if it is something we might have prevented.

Nothing is certain in life, all we have is the present, so make a good use of it.
I'm sure the love you have for eachother will help you get through.

[Softy]

Personally I rarely tell my bf when I'm feeling sick, because I know he has enough on his shoulder without having to worry about me.
But I know it's not good to keep that for yourself all the time, sometimes it's nice to have your SO tell you that 'everything will be ok'.

But often when I tell him that I'm fine, he sees through my voice or texts that something isn't right.
Most of the time he reads through me like an open book.

I hope you will get better Triste < 3

/hugs

[blankita719]

I missed this one the first time around - good thing when new people add on to them

SO usually knows when I am feeling off. Luckily, I haven't had any serious illness to challenge us, but he did give me a little bit of a scare earlier this year that caused a big discussion. His dad had a heart attach when he was 44, and the SO is 43. The SO tends not to take care of himself like he should either - horrible eating habits, doesn't really try to exercise, lives off of coffee during the day. He went in for a check up and the doctor had him do some extra tests for his heart. Which he neglected to tell me about until afterwards. I was pretty upset that he didn't tell me. He said it wasn't a big deal, and that I would have worried for nothing, but that is part of being in this relationship for me. I want to know when he isn't feeling well, or if something might be wrong. And I think your SO would want to know as well.

The others already gave great advice - you just have to balance it out as best you can. Think of the good things to share as well. Are you still set to go visit next month?

[triste]

I missed this one the first time around - good thing when new people add on to them

SO usually knows when I am feeling off. Luckily, I haven't had any serious illness to challenge us, but he did give me a little bit of a scare earlier this year that caused a big discussion. His dad had a heart attach when he was 44, and the SO is 43. The SO tends not to take care of himself like he should either - horrible eating habits, doesn't really try to exercise, lives off of coffee during the day. He went in for a check up and the doctor had him do some extra tests for his heart. Which he neglected to tell me about until afterwards. I was pretty upset that he didn't tell me. He said it wasn't a big deal, and that I would have worried for nothing, but that is part of being in this relationship for me. I want to know when he isn't feeling well, or if something might be wrong. And I think your SO would want to know as well.

The others already gave great advice - you just have to balance it out as best you can. Think of the good things to share as well. Are you still set to go visit next month?

Wow, sorry, I guess I haven't logged in for some time! Thank you both for your kind words. Yes, I was able to make the trip (perhaps why I haven't been online). My Doctor was great and helped me work things out. My SO worked a ton, but took good care of me when not working.

It's hard to balance how much time you spend on illness in phone conversations and definitely don't want to waste limited time together on it, as it can overwhelm your relationship. I try really hard to not talk too much about it, but yet keep him abreast of tests and changes that he wants to know about. I don't tell him daily how sick I feel...instead we just enjoy all the good things!