Hey all, long time reader, first time poster here. I've been in my first-ever LDR with my love for almost 9 months now. We made it official in Feb, and we're both over 30 (I am 30, he is 31.) Neither one of us has kids or previous marriages (although I've had a previous 6-year engagement that ended badly, with abuse and alcoholism being the major issues.) We both live in the U.S., although about 750 miles apart. We weren't really "looking for love" or anything, it just sort of happened. We were both part of an online gaming community so we knew each other for about a year previously, as acquaintances, and shortly after I became single again we started talking more and more... I'm sure many of you know how that goes. 
Gosh, what can I say? Long-distance relationship. Oh boy, even the term just implies tribulation, doesn't it. Well anyway, I feel like I just sort of fell into it. I love him so very much, and he loves me too. I can't imagine life without him - we have things in common, but more importantly, when I am emotional about things, he is so comforting and understanding and guides me through my own thoughts and feelings and I end up feeling so much better after talking with him. We've spent time together IRL about 6 times so far, for 2-4 days at a time (we both have full-time jobs and I personally, get zero vacation time at my work until I put in a year.) The time I spend with him is, simply amazing - I am unbelievably happy just being next to him, I love doing things that make him happy, the sex is phenomenal, and he is the sweetest, most perfect man I have ever met. In short, I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with this man if he chose to have me.
Sooo, what's the issue? Well... I'm sure a lot of you will understand when I say, it's "closing the distance." He is a very realistic sort of fellow and wants to start our life together unburdened. Which means, paying off his student loans, credit card debt, and whatever-else may be a large expense (car repairs etc.) While I am someone who has lived with a partner before, and struggled with similar financial difficulties, I can both appreciate his wishes and also think, "We can be together and do it at the same time!", but I digress. I told him I understood, and he shared with me his own fears of change, never living on his own before, and especially never living with a romantic interest before. So, okay. I get it.
Currently, he moved back in with family from a room-mate situation in order to save money and pay down such things. And for what its worth, a lot of people are doing similar things these days. So, ever since March of this year, the "plan" was, for him to do that (which he is doing, admirably, although he does splurge once in a while to buy me plane tickets to go see him, he has picked up extra work at his job and the odd freelance here and there), and then I would move in with him and his family (father, actually,) and we would spend 1-2 months in that situation while we found a place to live and I could look for a job (I have an excellent job history and it would be no problem for me to find *something*.) The big reason for me moving to his area instead of vice versa is basically, he has a career there, that could lead to a substantial promotion in the next couple years, while my job has zero growth potential and the area I live in is saturated with too many job seekers and not enough jobs.)
So now that I've shared all of the background, heh, I guess I should move on to what my actual issue is. Basically, it's this - I don't think I want to move in with him and his dad anymore. Let me tell you why. First of all, I've "lived" with both my first and second boyfriends families previously (for different reasons), and it's always felt weird. It just feels mega awkward to me, moving into someone else's home that isn't mine. So both of those experiences, while they were all gracious people, really just made me feel like some imposing extra person. Secondly, due to the short nature of our IRL visits, I don't know his father, at all. On top of that, he is slightly eccentric. I have a touch of social anxiety, and I just feel like living in someone else's home, at 30 years old, would cause me to be anxious and nervous the whole time, feeling like I should make myself invisible, and that's just not ME, and not what I want for our relationship. In a perfect world, my love could get his own place, and I could move in, and contribute of course, but at least in that regard, i would feel like the place was partly mine too, and I wouldn't feel weird about it.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, this weekend I decided to tell my love how I feel about this. The sad reality is, if that is the way I need it, we will go much longer being apart, and I would actually probably refuse any offers of plane tickets and such to go see him (fucking $400-$500 just to fly up the east coast in the U.S.), because it's simply money that is keeping us apart. I am prepared to tell him that I am willing to work out a budget to put an actual figure on what I myself need to save up in order to move there to be with him under those circumstances, and then I remember that it's almost holiday season, which means Christmas shopping, and I also remember other bills I want to take care of, like medical/dental things, and my heart just drops to the floor. I may be an intelligent 30 year old with college credits and an excellent work history going back to when i was 17, but this stupid area I live in (the South) only values me at a certain $ amount per hour, with no health insurance. I live with family now too after the breakup of my engagement, and while I don't have to pay rent, I do have bills, and saving will take some time. It's not necessarily bad but, the original "plan" of me moving to be with him, was supposed to happen before the year ended. If I decide I don't want to move in with his dad, it will be into next year. And that just makes me so very sad. Even the thought makes me start to cry. Not seeing him, not touching him, not being next to him for god knows how long. The longest we've been apart was 2 months - and that almost drove me crazy.
I don't want to give up on this - I've never been the type to give up on a relationship unless things turned very bad. Please tell me I'm not crazy for wanting to start our life together on my terms too? ><
Gosh, what can I say? Long-distance relationship. Oh boy, even the term just implies tribulation, doesn't it. Well anyway, I feel like I just sort of fell into it. I love him so very much, and he loves me too. I can't imagine life without him - we have things in common, but more importantly, when I am emotional about things, he is so comforting and understanding and guides me through my own thoughts and feelings and I end up feeling so much better after talking with him. We've spent time together IRL about 6 times so far, for 2-4 days at a time (we both have full-time jobs and I personally, get zero vacation time at my work until I put in a year.) The time I spend with him is, simply amazing - I am unbelievably happy just being next to him, I love doing things that make him happy, the sex is phenomenal, and he is the sweetest, most perfect man I have ever met. In short, I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with this man if he chose to have me.
Sooo, what's the issue? Well... I'm sure a lot of you will understand when I say, it's "closing the distance." He is a very realistic sort of fellow and wants to start our life together unburdened. Which means, paying off his student loans, credit card debt, and whatever-else may be a large expense (car repairs etc.) While I am someone who has lived with a partner before, and struggled with similar financial difficulties, I can both appreciate his wishes and also think, "We can be together and do it at the same time!", but I digress. I told him I understood, and he shared with me his own fears of change, never living on his own before, and especially never living with a romantic interest before. So, okay. I get it.
Currently, he moved back in with family from a room-mate situation in order to save money and pay down such things. And for what its worth, a lot of people are doing similar things these days. So, ever since March of this year, the "plan" was, for him to do that (which he is doing, admirably, although he does splurge once in a while to buy me plane tickets to go see him, he has picked up extra work at his job and the odd freelance here and there), and then I would move in with him and his family (father, actually,) and we would spend 1-2 months in that situation while we found a place to live and I could look for a job (I have an excellent job history and it would be no problem for me to find *something*.) The big reason for me moving to his area instead of vice versa is basically, he has a career there, that could lead to a substantial promotion in the next couple years, while my job has zero growth potential and the area I live in is saturated with too many job seekers and not enough jobs.)
So now that I've shared all of the background, heh, I guess I should move on to what my actual issue is. Basically, it's this - I don't think I want to move in with him and his dad anymore. Let me tell you why. First of all, I've "lived" with both my first and second boyfriends families previously (for different reasons), and it's always felt weird. It just feels mega awkward to me, moving into someone else's home that isn't mine. So both of those experiences, while they were all gracious people, really just made me feel like some imposing extra person. Secondly, due to the short nature of our IRL visits, I don't know his father, at all. On top of that, he is slightly eccentric. I have a touch of social anxiety, and I just feel like living in someone else's home, at 30 years old, would cause me to be anxious and nervous the whole time, feeling like I should make myself invisible, and that's just not ME, and not what I want for our relationship. In a perfect world, my love could get his own place, and I could move in, and contribute of course, but at least in that regard, i would feel like the place was partly mine too, and I wouldn't feel weird about it.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, this weekend I decided to tell my love how I feel about this. The sad reality is, if that is the way I need it, we will go much longer being apart, and I would actually probably refuse any offers of plane tickets and such to go see him (fucking $400-$500 just to fly up the east coast in the U.S.), because it's simply money that is keeping us apart. I am prepared to tell him that I am willing to work out a budget to put an actual figure on what I myself need to save up in order to move there to be with him under those circumstances, and then I remember that it's almost holiday season, which means Christmas shopping, and I also remember other bills I want to take care of, like medical/dental things, and my heart just drops to the floor. I may be an intelligent 30 year old with college credits and an excellent work history going back to when i was 17, but this stupid area I live in (the South) only values me at a certain $ amount per hour, with no health insurance. I live with family now too after the breakup of my engagement, and while I don't have to pay rent, I do have bills, and saving will take some time. It's not necessarily bad but, the original "plan" of me moving to be with him, was supposed to happen before the year ended. If I decide I don't want to move in with his dad, it will be into next year. And that just makes me so very sad. Even the thought makes me start to cry. Not seeing him, not touching him, not being next to him for god knows how long. The longest we've been apart was 2 months - and that almost drove me crazy.
I don't want to give up on this - I've never been the type to give up on a relationship unless things turned very bad. Please tell me I'm not crazy for wanting to start our life together on my terms too? ><
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