Am I being selfish?

[CuteBee]

My boyfriend and I are together for about a year. We are both mature people at about our 40's. Our relationship is something I never had before, the level of connection we have spiritually is amazing. He accepts me as I am and make sure I feel loved while we are talking. We use skype and video to communicate on daily bases. I love and adore him and it seems mutual.

Thing is, I have a neuro degenerative disorder which pretty much took most of my freedom and it is not possible for me to go outside whenever I want so computer is a big part of my life. And now I have him who's the center of my world. He has his career, hobbies, friends, parents and his own health -which is a bit fragile too- to take care as well. Even with all that he seems to handle the situation well, he travels, have fun with family and friends, he basically does almost everything a completely healthy person does although I know he fights to stay well and I'm very proud of him for it.

But, when it comes to me, although he says he loves and adores me just as much as I love him, I feel a bit neglected. Sometimes I feel a lot neglected because I am always the last thing of his day. The one he will talk for about an hour then leave because it is his sleep time. I'm OK with it during the week while he has to work, but still he gets home a lot earlier than the time he comes to see me (on Skype). I mean, quite a few hours before. And the weekends.. these are never free. Not a day. He still comes to see me but just like any other day of the week and will spend just an hour with me, maybe a couple of hours if I am lucky.

He says I'm the most important person in his life and that my health condition doesn't change a thing about his feelings and that he is not with me out of pity and that this is true love, however like I said, he doesn't make enough time for me. What gets me upset is that I can't go out and do whatever, I stay at the computer all day and when he calls I'm always available, whether I'm in a good or a very bad day due my health, I'm still available for him to call and he knows that I can't do much about it. So I don't know how to deal with this situation. He is very affectionate and a very nice man but sometimes I ask myself -with great guilty- that if could be possible that my love is being taken for granted. I have asked for more of his time and it didn't work and I'm becoming resentful because of it and it is starting to show. Other than that our relationship is wonderful so I wonder if I'm being selfish?

Non judgemental advice needed please.

Thank you

[THINK2MUCH]

It doesn't seem to me that you're being selfish. We all have our own needs.
Oh, and more importantly, don't feel guilty. It is natural that you feel that way, and you're only being honest at expressing how the little time he has for you is making you feel.
I do think though, that you should consider whether this relationship is or is not something positive for you.
I imagine that talking to him gives you something to look forward to everyday...nevertheless, you sound very disappointed.
LDRs, I think, require the same level of commitment from both partners. So, I believe you should analyse the reasons why he won't spend more time with you. Some of them may be valid, but if they're not, then it's not you who is being selfish.
It's important that you take care of yourself, perhaps this is just not the kind of relationship you want to be in.

Good Luck!!!

[MadMolly]

To me, an hour a day seems quite normal for a regular relationship. In fact, that's quite a bit more than I talk to my guy for (usually a half hour phone call most nights, but often we'll go a day without talking a couple times a week). Think, if he lived close to you as a normal CD relationship, you'd probably see eachother a few times a week but you wouldn't have hour-long phone calls every night as well, right? I understand you are confined to your house but for someone as busy as he seems to be, it's fair to give him his alone-time for a few hours before he talks to you each night. I really honestly don't think he is neglecting you in any way - in fact he sounds like a truly lovely, devoted guy and it's just that he's only got so much energy and hours in the day.

I would suggest finding hobbies and things you can do at home to pass the time, and try and interact with as many people (online or otherwise) as you can so you don't feel so socially isolated. It's not healthy to depend on one person for your livelihood like this. I hope I didn't come off as belittling your feelings in any way because I understand how frustrating it must be to be the one who is always free to talk to your person, and not vice versa, but it sounds like it's just the dynamics of this relationship and your lifestyles. Try not to resent it and instead think of ways you can fill your time up instead. Best wishes...

[Kiyama]

I agree with MadMolly.
One hour a day is really a lot. I don't get that much time but I understand that for you the situation is completely different. If you sit around at home all day with nothing to do then an hour is nothing compared to the rest of the day. So I also suggest that you try and fill up your time otherwise? There are hobbies you can start even from home and online activities. Or maybe start an online course in something you are interested in?

I hope you can work it out and it sounds like you have a great guy there who cares for you a lot!

[GraceNavarro]

I agree with what MadMolly and Kiyama said. My boyfriend and I skype about an hour everyday, sometimes less if we are busy. at first I tried to get him to skype more but he just doesn't like it and I know it has nothing to do with him neglecting me or loving me any less. we just don't need more time. We also text during the day so we are still connected somehow. I think that in LDR it is not healthy to have your life revolve around your SO and talking to him or her, it is important to stay busy and have a separate life that you can rely on. I understand that in your situation is hard, but as other people have said, try to find things to do from home that will keep you distracted!

[CuteBee]

Thanks everyone for the answers. Yes, I do try to fill my life as much as possible in other ways like hobbies and interacting with other people. But I still miss him so much, wish he would skip a thing or 2 in a week to stay a little longer with me. However I understand that talking on Skype, for someone as busy as he is, might be boring. I love him anyway and I believe he wants this to work as much as I do. I just hope that when it comes to person-to-person relationship that things will change because while we are far is ok but what if we were married? I don't want to be one of those wives who just see their husband an hour a day. Specially in my condition.

[ThePiedPiper]

Thanks everyone for the answers. Yes, I do try to fill my life as much as possible in other ways like hobbies and interacting with other people. But I still miss him so much, wish he would skip a thing or 2 in a week to stay a little longer with me. However I understand that talking on Skype, for someone as busy as he is, might be boring. I love him anyway and I believe he wants this to work as much as I do. I just hope that when it comes to person-to-person relationship that things will change because while we are far is ok but what if we were married? I don't want to be one of those wives who just see their husband an hour a day. Specially in my condition.

Have you communicated this to him? I would have this discussion with him realistically. While you're likely to see him more than an hour a day, if you two got married, he's not going to be obligated to give up his social life and friends for you. If socialising is a part of who he is, and it sounds like he's a bit of a natural extrovert, that's not going to change when you two get married and move in together. Will it mesh better than it does online? Yes, but you'll be meshing with his lifestyle as much as he will be with yours. There will definitely be compromises, but you can't expect him to sacrifice family and friends time when you marry him simply because you can't go out. :/

[CuteBee]

Have you communicated this to him? I would have this discussion with him realistically. While you're likely to see him more than an hour a day, if you two got married, he's not going to be obligated to give up his social life and friends for you. If socialising is a part of who he is, and it sounds like he's a bit of a natural extrovert, that's not going to change when you two get married and move in together. Will it mesh better than it does online? Yes, but you'll be meshing with his lifestyle as much as he will be with yours. There will definitely be compromises, but you can't expect him to sacrifice family and friends time when you marry him simply because you can't go out. :/

Uh-oh You misunderstood the whole of it. That's not what I am saying there or expecting at all. Actually I don't even mention what I'm expecting, just what I'm not expecting and not as a statement. Sorry but that's why I asked for non judgemental advice and posted this in a forum for 30+ people.

[ThePiedPiper]

Uh-oh You misunderstood the whole of it. That's not what I am saying there or expecting at all. Actually I don't even mention what I'm expecting, just what I'm not expecting and not as a statement. Sorry but that's why I asked for non judgemental advice and posted this in a forum for 30+ people.

I was responding to this:

However I understand that talking on Skype, for someone as busy as he is, might be boring. I love him anyway and I believe he wants this to work as much as I do. I just hope that when it comes to person-to-person relationship that things will change because while we are far is ok but what if we were married?

I didn't respond to your original post because you'd already received wonderful advice in regards to it from others. Your recent contribution suggested you don't want moving there/being married to him to be like Skype, where you only get an hour a day, at which point I'm saying your relationship will mesh better than it is online, meaning you will be seeing him for more than an hour, but he is still going to have his life with his family and friends. I had originally written that you would be going out with him before realising that you said you weren't able to go out! So that point was moot and I deleted it, therefore I was merely saying it's best to communicate these fears to him and to discuss it realistically, because he will still have his social and familial life when you move there. That advice has nothing to do with my age. Communication and honesty should be in every relationship. And if you're worried things will change, you both need to talk about how, because you'll both need to figure out what compromises are okay to make. I was never suggesting you were expecting him to sacrifice the entirety of his social relationships but merely explaining that if you're in a position with someone who likes to go out and you can't, that will need to be worked out. I wasn't meaning to be judgmental (I have no judgments of you or your expectations) and my advice would not change at 30+, but I apologise for offending you.

ETA: I also use the "Last 24 hours" feature.

and posted this in a forum for 30+ people.

So I didn't notice that. Again, sorry.

[mllebamako]

Uh-oh You misunderstood the whole of it. That's not what I am saying there or expecting at all. Actually I don't even mention what I'm expecting, just what I'm not expecting and not as a statement. Sorry but that's why I asked for non judgemental advice and posted this in a forum for 30+ people.

I feel like I have to stick up a bit here for ThePiedPiper, who is one of the least-judgmental, most thoughtful commenters on LFAD. You are asking people what they think, you are asking if you are being selfish. Thus people have to judge you to respond. And not in a malicious way.

And she did give you good advice, to have a discussion with him asking what things would realistically look like in the future.

edit: just saw that ThePiedPiper responded before me. Oh well, my comment still stands

[Tanja]

I'm with mllebamako, Piper is probably the least judging person on the planet and often offers more mature advice than people at 30+. On a forum the advice might not always be pleasant to read or it might be misinterpreted but that's a risk one's gotta take when asking for advice.

Just had to stick up for a veteran mate who has helped me and many others numerous times. And I agree with her too, sound advice as always

[Hollandia]

I agree that you need to decide if you will be suited for each other in RL as well. I love to go out and my BF is a bit of an couch potato mostly. We both make compromises when I stay with him. I stay in sometimes when I prefer to be out and he goes out sometimes when he would have liked to have stayed in. I also think you are right that it will be harder in person to watch him go out for much of the day if he likes to do so. Most likely he would stay in more, but maybe not as much as would might hope for. I would say that if this is very worrisome to you, you would benefit from explaining that to him before you make the big jump and close the distance.

As a bit of an extrovert myself I can say that I would be miserable and probably resent my BF at some point if he was not willing to compromise and go out sometimes. Yours is a different situation because you can't go out with him. Only you can know how much "sitting alone" time is okay for you while he is out.

[CuteBee]

Thanks everyone for the answers. My worries were vanished today after a conversation on this matter with my b/f . For sure each of your advices helped me through it.

ThePiedPiper, thanks for removing that part of the text, I get what you mean now so no harsh feelings and apologies accepted