30+ How would you deal with this situation

[Sylenig]

Hi everybody,

I'm new on this forum, but it is comforting to see so many people with similair questions and insecurities.

I have a difficult situation and i am very confused about what to do. Hopefully i will recieve some good advice here.

Well, this is the situation. I am with my SO for almost a year now. We know eachother about 5 years but the distance always kept us from getting serious. But we were in touch trough mail and skype and loved eachother all those years. But last year he came for a fellowship here for about 8 months. After two weeks we felt in love again and he moved to my place a month later. He spend here al those 7 months and we had the best time of our lives.

The problem is i have a child and shared custody, so i am not able to move to his country, as the father of my child wouldn't let me take our child. When my SO spend time here he seemed to have a lot of faith in moving here for real. He slightly started to learn my language and made plans for our future.

After the months here he needed to finish his training in his own country so he went back. While he was back he got an amazing job offer in his own country. His family and his friends are telling him he is crazy if he would not take it. He is now extremely confused about what to do. Every other week he changes his mind over this situation. When we talk he want to move to me, when he talks to his parents he wants to take the great job.

Meanwhile i am drained. I love him so much and i had so much hope for us.. But it feels like he is slipping trough my hands the more time we are apart. I have no doubts about his love for me. He tells me I am the one and he talked about getting married.. But this can not happen when he takes this job. He thinks about having a split life for years. I can not do that. This is already so extremely stressful. Two days ago he said i am not gonna take the job and yesterday he said i have to because it is a chance in a life time.

I don't know what to do. Should i force him to make a discission for real, should i wait for many months and see what the outcome will be.. Should i just let him go.. Will i be able to live with so much uncertanties.. I just don't know.

Well, if you have any remarks or ideas. Thank you for support!

[Verojoon]

I have a similar situation so maybe I have some insight for you.

You've loved him so long, it must feel difficult to think that there are more things in the way of you too beginning your life together for real. But in reality, you haven't been together for a full year yet. So this is something to keep into perspective.

If he took the job, would this be the end of your relationship or could you continue with visits for a few years while he gets enough experience under his belt to get a similar (if not better) job in your country?

Many of us have to decide what we are willing to compromise on and what we aren't willing to compromise on... It was a difficult situation for me, and I was only willing to wait for the few years it will take until my SO can move here (I can't move to him for the same reasons you have!) after a lot of thinking and a lot of planning. When we started making real plans for him coming here (even if these plans can't happen for 2.5 - 3 years) I was able to handle it. Currently we only manage to visit each other 2 times a year (Up to now, I'm the only one who can visit him because of passport and visa problems) but we are hoping that if we can at least double the visits, it will feel like we are progressing in the right direction.

I'm not saying your SO should take the job and you have to wait. Just pointing out that if he does, it may be something you guys can still plan a future around.

Alternately has he looked for similar opportunities in your country? Will he be locked into a contract or will he be able to leave his job if a similar opportunity opens up in your country? These are things you can discuss so you can get a good solid understanding of what your future looks like.

This must be difficult for him too! So thought you have a total right to know where you stand and have a general plan for your future, understand the pressure he is under. Discuss this with him by bringing up different solutions and not only solutions that would fit your idea of the future... Hopefully you can come up with a solution that won't be too difficult to handle... and any hardship you guys manage to work through together, will make your relationship stronger in the end!

Good luck!

[Sylenig]

Thank you so much for your reply! It is very usefull to see things from different perspectives.
A lot to think about..
Good luck yourself as well!

[Tanja]

I feel your pain. Your story sounds a lot like mine.

My SO came to my country and learned the language, then had a job in his country and went back. He wanted to continue a LDR but I couldn't (we had been in one for four years prior to his move) anymore. I also have a child so I really didn't have the chance to move there.

I can't advice you on what to do. I know LDRs work cause I've been through one with the most wonderful man. I also know that some people aren't cut out for it. Apparently I'm one of them? There's only so much one person can take.

I'm not much help and I'm sorry. But I've been in your shoes and I know what it's like. You can't ask him not to leave and to give up this opportunity. I think telling him to decide would be wrong cause if he chose you he might start to resent you over the years for forcing him to choose. He needs to figure out what he wants to do and you need to do the same and after that you need to talk and find out if you can live with each others decisions.

What do you know, I did have something smart to say lol. Best of luck to you and your SO!

[Sylenig]

Thank you for sharing your story and your feedback is very helpfull. It's sad that it didn't work out for you. I fear that for myself. I wish to have another child and i know i'm running out of time.. So the discission to rely on this is, is very difficult