30+ Parents and their opinions

[aniay]

I am having a problem with my mother. Being 30 I'm in a way still financialy dependand on her and Dad. Im living on my own, in a flat my mum owns, and they are helping me with money as my two part-time jobs doesn't pay enough to pay my bills and live.

My mum is a very religious Catholic. She basicaly informed me that she'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than commiting sins after divorcing my husband by having a relationship with anyone else.

It hurt.

Anyway right now Adam is coming over and she wanted me to make him sleep at their place. I said no but she is kinda threatening me with not helping with taking care of my daughter when he's in poland and other things like that.

I can't make Adam talk with them because firstly my parent's english is close to nonexistent and Adam's not Catholic(Which discredits him in my mother's eyes)
I can't talk to my mum either because she is so stuck on her religion that she won't even take into consideration my happines.

Dad's being a bit more supportive but he is still religious and is not happy about the whole situation, but at least is happy that I'm happy.

How can I reason with my mother?

[dragonlady]

didnt god say love thy enemy? dive into the bible and try to confince them that way
there are pieces about magdalena and god is a loving god forgivnes and such
if they can't forgive that kinda things how does that make them a good cristian then

see if you can find a religous man (a priest or something) that is on your hand, and ask him to talk to your mother to get her more working with you..

going to church doesnt make you a cristian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car!

[snow_girl]

Weather this is posted in the teen thread or the +30s, if you are still dependent on your parents and you live in their house and they help you pay for it, I don't really know you can go against them. As an adult I don't think you should be asking permission to have to have someone stay with you but if the threats of not supporting you if you do are real, then what choice do you have?

[Tooki]

What's more important: Your SO or your mother?

Remember that you are dependent on your parents to survive. Could your Dad reason with your mother in any way?

[Dziubka]

Let me guess: You're from a small-ish city/town, right?

It's a tough situation and like snow_girl said, if they threat you with taking away their support, then there's not much you can do. You can try to reason with them.
This is not the 1950's anymore. A lot of people get divorced and have new relationships or don't get married in the first place (even in the Catholic stronghold that is Poland.). Yes, it might not be ok with Catholic ideals, but you could try to ask your mother what's more important to her - your happiness or outdated religious rules?
A God who wants you unhappy must be a really weird one.
Also just because she is religious, it doesn't mean you have to be religious, too.
You should discuss it with your SO, too. Explain your situation and that you depend on your parents' support. If nothing helps, you can ask him to stay at their place and meet up during the day? Sleeping together (as in -sleep, not the other kind) is nice and it sucks to miss out on that, but you don't actually need to stay at the same place together to -erm- get up to the other kind of sleeping together. (Which is also why the "not staying at the same place"-thing is stupid).
I have friends who live with their SOs but they're still not allowed to stay in the same room when visiting their parents *sigh*

My boyfriend sort of had the same problem with his grandparents. I mean luckily he's not dependend on them, but they weren't very pleased when they found out that I was a Protestant. They have however come to terms with it, because apparently apart from my nationality and denomination, I'm a decent human being. Maybe if they get to know your SO better and he's extra nice to them, they'll start to like him. If my boyfriend's 85+yr old grandparents can do it, so can your parents.

[aniay]

Well my mother already told me that religion is more important to he than my happiness because I'll end up in hell. *sigs* If I tell you she is Moherowy Beret... you will understand.

I will try talking with her tomorow. It just sucks to be afraid to actually introduce my SO to my Parents, they always known every of my friends and boyfriends, especialy mum, I might go against them anyway and let Adam meet them, even if I have to translate every single thing.

Or maybe I could ask her to view my SO like a very good friend that invited me to stay over after my studies. MAYBE she'd be a bit more open then.

GAH I should be concentrating on studying, not worrying about parents

[Moon]

Honestly, I don't think there's much you can do in this situation, other than work to change it. Older religious people are pretty set in their views, and you're not likely to change them, only yourself. Isn't there any way you can get a better, full-time position somewhere, and work your way up? I mean, you can't be dependent on your parents forever, right? If anything should motivate you to work towards your independence, this should. You may not be able to have anything resolved by this visit, but maybe in time for future ones. I realize that's probably not all that helpful, sorry about that, but as long as you're dependent on their support, you've got to follow their rules. You can try talking with them, but ultimately, it's their decision. Good luck.

[aniay]

To be able to move to England after studies and to be able to even finish them in the first place I have to give up one of my parttime jobs because my EX is not being much of a help kid-wise.
The thing is, my Country and my City in general has ove 30% unemployment and it's raising.

The only way I'll be able to find a job is to either move to another city, which might help a LITTLE or move to other country. I will be earning equivalent of 125euro, right now I'm still earning around twice this sum and to be able to pay the bills and minimum to be able to live with my kid I'd need around 375euro. Because bills only are around 175euro.

The job that I COULD get if I didn't have kid, and wasn't learning, would pay around 200... maybe 250 but I'd be working 12 hours a day 6days/week and spend no time at all with my kid.
So yeah...

At least, when I finish my studies my dad told me I can count on him to help me with my moving to England.

[Dziubka]

Moon, I'm generally the first one to be like "WHA? You're over 18! Get off your ass and finde a job. Your parents shouldn't have to support you anymore!!!11oneeleven!!1111" (or well not exactly like that maybe).
But the thing is: Wages in Poland are so ridiculously low, that it's almost impossible to become independent until you have a lot of work experience and a better paying position. I mean 500€ is considered a pretty good salary for full time position. And if you make 500€ and a one bedroom apartment costs 300€, then getting by without the help of your family is close to impossible. Especially if you have a child.

I still think that you, aniay, should introduce your SO to your parents. Tell him to be super nice, to bring flowers and compliment the food, the house, everything. And for the first visit, if that's what they want, have him stay with them. Like I said, you can still meet up during the day and spend time together.
I'd hope that if you give in to their requests, it'll be easier for them to like him. And once they like him, they might be able to bent the catholic rules or look in the other direction for future visits...

[aniay]

HOKAY! Had a talk with my mum, told her that no, it won't end up on holding hands.... She expressed her wories that any kind of psychical intimacy will destroy both of us tsrting to know each other. And she still thinks it's the first time we'll meet after August.

I totaly forgot she doesn't know about my december visit to England! Yeah... went for a weekend, told my mum I'm visiting friends in another city, if I told her I was going to see Adam she wouldn't take care of kido.

ETA: Anyway... after a talk she doesn't seem THAT bad... only concerned *sighs* What miscomunication can do to people...

[MattDavies86]

didnt god say love thy enemy? dive into the bible and try to confince them that way
there are pieces about magdalena and god is a loving god forgivnes and such
if they can't forgive that kinda things how does that make them a good cristian then

see if you can find a religous man (a priest or something) that is on your hand, and ask him to talk to your mother to get her more working with you..

going to church doesnt make you a cristian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car!

This is a very good point! When someone is THAT religious this seems to be the only way to convince them! My mother and grandmother are the same! They're not overjoyed my SO is Buddhist but they are happy I'm happy. I may try this :P

[dragonlady]

hoeza!!! keep on praying that everything will turn out great

@ mattdavies86 if you can't beat them, join them because i am an pagan it is helpful to know the bible a bit and most of the time it does helps to show them that god is a loving god and such who loves everybody. also i believe that all religions are about the same god has many name's if you understand wath i mean.

i hope that everybody will be and stay open minded to all!