30+ Its so hard sometimes

[Ariesgirl]

Hi everyone, Ive not posted here before, and didn't even know such a forum existed until this evening.
I am in a LDR we live 112 miles apart, we met online around 3 years ago.
Mostly things are great, when we are together its fab I feel Ive found my soul mate and we have an excellent sex life..........
What I find hard is generally we only get every other weekend together, when my ex has the kids, I drive up to him and we get Fri, Sat and Sunday together and I drive home Monday morning.
I miss him so bad at times in between, we text and Skype (not Skype every day) but I get annoyed at myself for getting down at times, and try and enjoy my weekends with my kids instead of missing him.
He comes down to me occasionally, its easier for me because I don't work on a Monday but he does, and also he likes to see his kids at the weekends too although they are 18 and 20 now.....
I thought in time it would get easier to deal with, but it seems not........
Would appreciate any advice from others who have been through similar and how they dealt with it, thanks.
A

[Tooki]

You're fortunate in that you get to visit your SO every second weekend. I'm lucky to see my GF every 4 months. Remind yourself that things could be a LOT worse, especially given that you're quite close to him and in the same country.

[Ariesgirl]

that may be true..........but not really advice, thanks anyway.

[Tooki]

that may be true..........but not really advice, thanks anyway.

I gave you advice, I told you (in other words) to put things into perspective and recognise that it could be much much worse. Perhaps you could try to empathise with other people by reading their stories. Take things one day at a time and set yourself some goals for your relationship.

[kattermole]

I see my SO every second weekend usually (we're about 600 miles apart), but I still miss him like crazy in the 11 or so days we have in between visits. When you want to cuddle someone and they aren't there, it's hard, regardless of time you've been apart. We're closing the distance at the end of May, and this has helped me a lot as I know there's an end point, but it's still increasingly hard saying goodbye. Particularly this week, I've been hormonal and stressed and I've just wanted a hug, and even though I'm going to visit him on Saturday for 10 days, I've still had two evenings where I've been crying over Skype because I miss him so much.

It sounds like you're doing all you can to stay in touch when you're not together and that will help. Are there any plans you can make for closing the distance, or for a longer period together? We had a slightly longer period apart once but I knew there were nearly two weeks together at the end of it and that made it easier to bear sometimes.

[Moon]

LDR's, when you're a bit older, have some unique challenges, you can't just find some entry level job and move. When kids, careers, bills, aging parents, etc. come into the picture, closing the distance becomes nearly impossible for years and years. It's hard, really hard, but if you've decided the relationship is worth those hardships, all you can do is wait it out, unfortunately. It doesn't really get better over time, but you find ways to get through it. For me, and if we ever close the distance, it won't be for years, when it gets hard I remember just how much better my life is with him in it, 4200 miles away or not. As much as I miss him, he's worth it, so I consider all the good things about being LD, like how much time we spend just talking, since it's all we can do. I've never been in a relationship where there was so much communication so freely given Also, we're both extremely independent, and the stupid ocean allows us to maintain that to some degree. So, for me, I try to look at the (few) advantages we have and try to remember how this was my choice to be in this relationship.

It's not easy, but it's doable. We see each other a few times a year, for maybe a month total, but we make the very most of what we have. Good luck.

[Benni]

Yes it is very hard. I may be able to see my guy twice a year -- 6 months apart -- for one week each time. It will be almost 2 years before we can even talk about closing the distance. You just have to keep busy in between times and keep in contact often.

[Ariesgirl]

Thanks kattermole, your reply makes such sense. Yes with kids, schools, work etc, us living together is a few years away and knowing that frustrates me somewhat.
I don't have a problem being on my own, I'm independent, but miss him like crazy !!!
With utmost respect this is on the limit for me, I personally couldn't be in a relationship where I saw my man a lot less than I do now, 2 or 3 times a year wouldn't work for me. Xx

[Waddams]

Have your kids met your BF? It's been 3 years of dating. How old are they? Do you think it might be okay to take them with you on a visit for a weekend?

Also, if his kids are grown, is there a chance he might be willing to relocate? Have you asked him?

[hmrambling]

I agree that the older you are, the more complicated it can be. My SO is 1300 miles away and has a job she loves. I have a house and a job with benefits and retirement. Closing the distance is a HUGE discussion because neither of us wants to move right away. I admire that she does what she loves for a living. It's one of the things that attracted me to her. The distance is hard and sometimes we feel worlds apart.

I've been trying to see her once a month. Seeing her makes everything worthwhile and I am grateful for the time that I have to spend with her. There's no other place I would rather be than in her arms. I pray that we will work things out or that they will work out. I believe they will.

One day at a time and appreciating the time you have together helps. I agree that setting goals for your relationship would help. I haven't been able to do that myself, though.

Hang in there

[Ariesgirl]

Hi Waddams......yes my kids have met my BF, they are 14,11 and 7.
I have taken them with me to see him 2 or 3 times now. Its not easy as they have weekend commitments, my 14 yr old has a paper round and my 11 year old a busy social life.
Also its costs me £40 in diesel for the round trip.
Although his kids are older, he has twins of 18 and a daughter of 20, he sees them regularly, his daughter is at uni but he sees the other two 3 times a week......
He also has an elderly mum near him (although she is well ) and is in the same job he's had since he left school, relocation isn't an option at the moment.
That said come the summer time when he stops having to pay maintenance for the twins, which also means hes not committed to having them on certain days there is no reason why he cant drive down to me say once a month, he always tells his kids they can go to his at any time but they are also old enough to know their dad has a life too.
xx

[Nyla]

Hi Ariesgirl, My situation sounds similar to yours. I met my boyfriend at a wedding reception in my town. He was a friend of the groom and I was a friend of the bride. My boyfriend lives 270 miles away, but we have been able to see each other pretty regularly every 2-3 weeks for almost 2 years now! The difference though is that my kids are older than his. Mine are in their 20s (+ a 17 yr old) and he has a 14 yr old son so on the weekends he doesn't have his son, I sometimes drive up and spend Fri, Sat, Sun and leave Monday morns like you. We text daily several times and almost always talk at night before bed. I miss him like crazy, because every time we are together, I fall more in love with him! I hate the distance between us, but he still has 7-10 more years before he can retire from his job. I would be the one that would have to relocate up there to him. I could do it tho.....the problem for me is that he never wants to talk about the future. Never has brought up marriage even tho I hint about the subject. I have been divorced for 5 yrs and he has been divorced for only 2. So I know that is one major reason he isn't eager to get married anytime soon.....but he tells me he loves me all the time and that I am THE ONE for him and i am certain he is being faithful with me. My son will be graduating from HS next yr then going off to college. Then I will finally be an empty nester after having raised 4 children. I'm not in any hurry to get married, but why can't we at least talk about what the future could be holding for us? What is he waiting for?

[Retta]

Ladies (and gents) I am jealous! although my SO and I have reconnected and he talks about the
future, we have yet to be able to visit yet, it's been two years now. WAAAAAAAAAAA!
He wants to visit me first and then go from there. I am frustrated because he has been
not calling as often as he had been, this started umm back in 2012..and he assures me it has
nothing to do with he and I but sometimes my mind races with thoughts. He has had a lot of
changes with his job and some other things most of which he tells me about and the other he says
we will talk about. I am glad I reconnected with the group so that I can get and or give support.
Our children are all adults with families and he and my daughter have 'bonded'...( we are both
grandparents now).

[Ariesgirl]

Hi Nyla xx
Yes your situation does sound similar to mine, I expect you are like me and find those in between weekends difficult at times, especially when the weathers nice and you long to be just going for a walk or enjoying a drink with your loved one.....it can be sooooooooo frustrating !!!! I'm feeling ok right now as tomorrow I will be diving up to see bf for two nights and I will be seeing him 3 weekends in a row as its his birthday next weekend so my mum has kindly offered to look after my kids so I can see him on his birthday.
We also text, although my man is a typical bloke and I'll get one or two lines from him although he always says he loves me, we also chat on the phone, not every day and Skype sometimes.........
I think we are both in the frame of mind that we don't want to get married, we have both done that and I don't feel the need for that again, I can be committed to someone without that. we have vaguely spoken about living together one day in the future, but at the moment I would be content just to see him every weekend all the time. The occasional times when this has happened I have felt happy with this, I know that sounds weird but its that in-between weekend that kills me.
I know I'm lucky compared to some people on here, but as Ive said in a previous post I could not personally be in a relationship where visits were much less than what I have now.
I cant say what your man is feeling a bout the future, as you say hes only been divorced 2 years, I also know in my case that my man loves his independence and has no problem living on his own, doing his own thing and having his woman visit him every other weekend who wants to rip his clothes off !!!!! lol
But like you I have no doubt he loves me and is faithful. Maybe when it feels the right time just ask him where he sees your relationship going in the future.........I know I'm ok with things the way they are for now, but there will come a point in a few years where things for me will have to develop one way or another, and I expect my man to be making some effort too, especially as Ive said his kids are fast leaving the nest !!!!
Hugs to you........when are you due for weekend away ? xx

[Nyla]

We sound very similar except for the marriage part. My man seems very content right now with his independence like yours, but I want a commitment within the next year with possibly getting married within the next two years. I am not going to pressure him, as a matter of fact, I wish I could be more like him....just laid back enjoying our relationship and building wonderful memories together. I'm so much like you about the weekends we are apart. I'm SO bored and lonely!! Yes, I have 4 kids...but they all have their own lives pretty much and my teenage son does his own thing with his girlfriend, work and playing golf. Wonder if your "problem" is like mine....all my friends are married and there is no one to hang out with on the weekends. I'm glad they are in happy marriages, but I really don't have any single friends to do stuff with on the weekends I'm not with my guy. I was out with a group of friends a few weeks ago and I was the "13th" wheel....meaning there were 6 couples and then me. In situations like that it makes me sad not to have my special man with me like everyone else does. Too bad you live way across the Atlantic or we could be keeping each other entertained on the weekends we aren't with our honeys!!