30+ he has changed and I am getting sick and tired of it.. what to do?

[Carenza LaRue]

some of you know my SO and I been through a lot lately..... we even split up for a while.

it started with a miscommunication..... then an argument about the miscommunication...... a fight over what has been said on both sides.... hurt feelings and so on,

I put a lot of effort in getting things on track again..... he agreed but said he needed more time.

okay, I can live with that.....

but it's starting to annoy me that he is not speaking to me unless I start talking to him first.
normally I would post silly stuff on his FB wall...... and he would like or comment.... he did the same to mine..... friends would come by to say hiya.... and we would have lovely on line conversations in public.

but ever since that stupid argument, he is completely ignoring me, the posts I put on his wall, he is not talking to me in private...

when ever I start a conversation to talk about this situation.... he says that he is not into it.... he has things on his mind, (which he is not sharing), all has been said before...
if I start a conversation, without wanting to talk about this situation, he says he is working, doesn't have time.

he said he has trust issues.... I take it that stupid argument cost me that little amount of trust he had in me, although I cannot understand why.
it makes me feel sad.... he closed up so much so, it's hard to get through to him and talk things through.
at the same time..... I went to his place a few weeks back.... we had a great time together..... we had sex...... and I can't get it out of my mind that now that we had sex..... I am passed tense for him.
I asked him.... he says this question is so ridiculous, that he is not even bothering to answer that..... and with that, he leaves me in the dark.
so, if I want to know why he doesn't want to answer, he says I am creating drama.... and with that, the 'discussion' is over.... and he tongue ties me.... at least, that's what he thinks he does.... but in fact, it makes me more mad every day..... and another argument is right around the corner.... if I don't watch my step.

I don't know what to do any more..... I am inclined to just let it bleed to death....and grieve for yet another love lost.
on the other side, we have had such good times and I am not willing to let it go... I am still committed to this thing we had.... I have seen his good sides... AND his bad sides.... I still love him.... but in the mean time I am wondering if I should continue with this...

at this moment, I am not even sure if we're in relationship any more.... and it's killing me....
he doesn't want to answer that question either....

he leaves me hanging.... and that makes me mad too.... cause if we really not in relationship any more.... I just want to go, let my wounds heal and move on.

what do I do?

[loneliestgirl]

What do you want to do? Do you want to wait until he's made whatever decision he is pondering? It really isn't fair to you that he is calling all the shots about when and what you can and cannot discuss. If he doesn't want to answer a basic question such as if you two are in a relationship, then make up your mind if THIS is a relationship you want. Because it doesn't sound like he is willing to make any concessions or changes or apologies or any communication at all. The silent treatment is never ok in a relationship in my book. I personally consider it a form of emotional blackmail or abuse by withdrawing a basic and vital part all in the name to teach a lesson or get you to "fall in line." If someone in your life came and put their hand over your mouth and nose and you couldn't breathe, would you let them? Would you stay?

If this is how it is to be, and what he is showing you that from his end it is all he will give, do you still want it?

[dragonlady]

the thing that i would do (it will hurt) is copy this in a email to him mention that this is what you post on the forum to ask advice
that you will leave him alone until he contacts you, and if you havent heard from him after a week that it was nice meeting him, but that you need a guy who is not afraid to talk about his feelings and a guy who want to live instead of crawlling in a corner
if he finds his balls (and his brains) again he know where to find you.

but that is what i would do! i will ask my so tomorrow (dont hear him today) to get a men's view of it, we dutch girls can be very VERY straight forward

big hug!!

[Moon]

Sorry, Carenza

Honestly, at this point, I'd stop trying completely and leave the ball in his court for a while. If, after a few weeks, you haven't heard anything, you know where his heart is and you have your answer. I don't mean "playing games", which is what I'm sure some people will take from that, but you've already tried talking, he's telling you one thing and showing another, so I think if you drop contact from your side, it won't take too long to see where you stand with him. Give yourself a set time, like three weeks or something, and see what he does. I hope he'll come to his senses and get in touch.

[Tooki]

I agree with Moon

You have done all that you can Carenza. Do your own thing for a set time (3 weeks is ok) and see how your SO responds and act accordingly. It is NOT playing a game.

[Thanh]

I agree with Dragonlady, but in a little different way.
I would send him an email where I tell him all the thoughts and feelings exactly like how you write here (but not bring up the forum or asking advice from someone else). Then I'd leave him some time to think about it. In my opinion, guys can be stuck like us girls too, and probably he doesnt know how to deal with the problems, therefore he might not know what he is doing is hurting you badly. Just let him find himself again and get back to you which I think he will, since there is certainly special something between you two to have called yourselves in the relationship.

[digitalfever]

I think sending an email would push him away. He's already making it clear that he doesn't want "closeness" and by sending him a letter filled with emotions will only give him further reason to close off and distance himself.

Stop reaching out to him and allow him to come to you.

[Carenza LaRue]

thanks for the advice...

going to do it like this...

I will write a letter..... put everything in that bothers me..... but not going to send it.

in the mean time..... I will give him a short period to make up his mind..... but I am not going to tell him that.

if he hasn't shown he is putting some effort in it before that time is over, then I consider myself single again.

in the mean time, I am not going to contact him

see where and how this ends....

thanks again.

[dragonlady]

good luck and a big hug!!!

[Carenza LaRue]

what bothers me most, is that he has changed so much.

if I take the emotions out of it, I see I have to be the one who should walk away from this.
but thanks to those stupid emotions, I am not ready to let go yet...
what if?

that kind of feelings.....

and boy.... am I mad at me..... I am fooking 42 years old.... I should know better right?
but still......

[dragonlady]

i think he is just afraid, and men do some wierd things when they are scared...

love knows no age.. sorry lass no matther how old your are it gets us all, we live and fall in love and just try to make the best of it.
but if you look back did you want to miss it? surely you have grown with it and that is what living is all about (atleast i think so, when the going gets tough the tough get going)

[Carenza LaRue]

thanks.....

we finally had some sort of talk...... he is at work now.... so we texted....

it's over......
because 'he's been through a lot with his exes..... and he can't use the hurt' ....

sorry we couldn't make it....
but hey..... that's how life goes....

[Tanja]

I'm really sorry things didn't work out. Take your time to heal and take care of yourself.

[dragonlady]

sorry to hear that!! feel for you!
grab a ben and jerry's and watch conan or something
big hug!!

[Kiyama]

Oh no Carenza I'm so sorry to heat about that
Take your time to heal and eventually things will look up again for you. Promise