30+ The pain and anxiery won

[LoveHimIndy]

This is my first time posting, but I'm so distraught, I thought I could find some comfort here. My SO and I fell in love 7 years ago via an online group. We fell pretty hard and have been in love ever since. We've met in person twice and the visits have been wonderful both times but after the visits, we've "broken up" as neither of us could handle the reality of our situation. He has a young child he cannot leave and I have a young teen here. We are perfect for each other in every way. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and he loves me the same way. We have spoken on Skype, etc. for HOURS and HOURS for YEARS. We have also tried to forget each other as it was very painful to be apart. We went a year without speaking once and two years without speaking this last time. When I say, not speaking, there were always small emails to check up on the other and to make sure the other still knew we were in love. I think of him everyday. It never goes away.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. We started speaking again every day. We were so happy. There were a million emails and long talks every day again. He can book a flight at any time and be here with me for a week so we have been planning that. Then the sadness started in. I tried to ignore it at first. Then yesterday, I couldn't get out of bed. I was filled with dread and anxiety. I cried all morning and afternoon. He then called me and I cried to him. He cried as well because we were doing so well and were looking forward to seeing each other. I'm just so depressed and anxious. I feel like all hope is gone. He's the most wonderful man on the planet and now I want to run. To flee the situation and go back to just missing him from afar. WHY???

I don't know the answer. I'm sick about this and I was so happy. I don't understand these feelings at all and I know they are hurting him...which is the LAST thing I would ever want to do. He is very patient and wants me to talk to him about this but all I can do right now is try to take care of my child and lie in bed, crying.

Has this ever happened to anyone? I need some advice. Thank you

[loneliestgirl]

I think that you are having this reaction because of how the relationship has cycled in the past. Everything starts out greats and everyone is fine talking and emailing non-stop, but when you visit each other, each time it let to a breakup and pain because neither of you have been able to handle the emotions that come right after seeing someone and having to let them go physically and not really knowing when the next time will be. Your mind and emotions are subconsciously already at that point of the visit and are reacting to what has eventually happened the other times. Soon there will be a break up and a long time of not speaking to this person because that's what has been associated with a visit.

I am not sure I have specific advise on what you can or should do outside of telling you to try to focus on the positive and excitement of seeing him. Don't look ahead just be in the now. Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps you can talk it out with someone in person, a friend or someone close to you. Or even a counselor, if that's an option. i do think ultimately, you and he are going to have to sit down and find a compromise to your situation and figure out what the end goal of your relationship together is and make real strides and plans for it.

[Moon]

My advice might be a little unorthodox, so if you want to ignore it, or tell me I'm nuts, I'm OK with that.

Your anxiety is understandable, visits are short and, in your case, it's a long time till the next possible one. Your relationship is up and down, which leaves you in turmoil, no wonder it's causing so much confusion. I'm going to propose you look at your relationship in a whole new light, if it's possible for you.

I see you're in Indiana, and he's 4000 miles away, which means you must be international, so are we. I'm here in PA, and the love of my life somehow ended up being located in Finland. Now, normally I'd never recommend the way we run our relationship to anybody, it's not the normal way anyone recommends doing it, but you keep ending up together, time after time, so truly being free of this relationship is probably not a realistic option for either of you. For most LDR's, everywhere advises to establish an end date as soon as possible, and work towards that, but I'm gonna tell you the opposite. In my relationship, there's pretty much no way we can do that, not for years and years, if ever, but we've both realized we'd rather have each other at a distance and only a few times a year, than not at all, it means that much to us that we're (happily) in an LDR semi-permanently.

Crazy, right? Yeah, but it works for us, because it's the only way for now. I have a kid, granted she's 24, but I don't want to be 4000+ miles away from her, and as much as I try, I'll never be fluent enough in Finnish to be able to work there. Plus, education is free there, damn near everyone has an advanced degree, and I've got nothing, so I'd never get a job in my field. Oh yeah, I HATE the cold My guy is the only child of an elderly Mother, he's got a mortgage and a job, plus he loves Finland, and does not love the US, not one bit! I don't think he could ever really be happy here. We're both over 40 and have established lives in our own countries.

While our decision isn't for everybody, it's pretty damn hard sometimes, it's what we've decided and we're good with it. You both have kids, neither of you can move, but you can't bare to be apart, so why not discuss how you both feel about doing this LDR thing on a semi-permanent basis? Granted, you've got to change your whole mindset, but if you can't seem to be apart, maybe you just need to change your perspective on it? I think though, this ONLY works if you can meet up at least every year, preferably 2 or 3 times, otherwise it's just too much and not really worth it. To do this so long term, you need to reconnect with each other, you cannot go years without a visit.

If you think you can handle this, and honestly, you've got to be the independent type to even have a shot at it, why not talk with him and at least try it out? All relationships are different and not all fit the cookie-cutter mold of what we're told they should be, like mine Closing the distance isn't always the priority, because sometimes you just can't, it's not so easy for everyone. It's obvious that you two have a bond that's not easily broken, so sometimes you just need to find an alternative method that fits. I hope you're able to work it out, good luck.

[blackframez]

Moon I've read your posts many times here before, and all I can say is girl I can only hope that someday I might muster an ounce of the emotional fortitude that you have!

[Moon]

Awww...thank you, blackframez, I appreciate that

[JoeyBug]

Moon I've read your posts many times here before, and all I can say is girl I can only hope that someday I might muster an ounce of the emotional fortitude that you have!

I have to agree with you on this, I couldn't do that. I just couldn't.

OP, I think Moon has given you some great advice, as well as other people saying that you're reacting to the end of the visit before the visit has begun. Talking with him would be a great idea. Find out if there is anyway you can work out a way to stay together (like Moon suggested) and see if that helps the anxiety and upset.

I wish you the best of luck

[Moon]

I have to agree with you on this, I couldn't do that. I just couldn't.

OP, I think Moon has given you some great advice, as well as other people saying that you're reacting to the end of the visit before the visit has begun. Talking with him would be a great idea. Find out if there is anyway you can work out a way to stay together (like Moon suggested) and see if that helps the anxiety and upset.

I wish you the best of luck

It's really not that big of a deal, you'd be surprised at what you can do, if the situation calls for it. I've never been a conventional, traditional kind of girl, so this works for me, it's OK if it doesn't work for you.

[JoeyBug]

It's really not that big of a deal, you'd be surprised at what you can do, if the situation calls for it. I've never been a conventional, traditional kind of girl, so this works for me, it's OK if it doesn't work for you.

I hope I didn't cause offence with my comment, I can see that it works for you and for that I say good for you. I guess I couldn't see myself in the same position as I've gone a year or so between visits and so it wouldn't work for us. Sorry if I caused offence, it wasn't my intention.

[Jmoc1024]

My advice might be a little unorthodox, so if you want to ignore it, or tell me I'm nuts, I'm OK with that.

Your anxiety is understandable, visits are short and, in your case, it's a long time till the next possible one. Your relationship is up and down, which leaves you in turmoil, no wonder it's causing so much confusion. I'm going to propose you look at your relationship in a whole new light, if it's possible for you.

I see you're in Indiana, and he's 4000 miles away, which means you must be international, so are we. I'm here in PA, and the love of my life somehow ended up being located in Finland. Now, normally I'd never recommend the way we run our relationship to anybody, it's not the normal way anyone recommends doing it, but you keep ending up together, time after time, so truly being free of this relationship is probably not a realistic option for either of you. For most LDR's, everywhere advises to establish an end date as soon as possible, and work towards that, but I'm gonna tell you the opposite. In my relationship, there's pretty much no way we can do that, not for years and years, if ever, but we've both realized we'd rather have each other at a distance and only a few times a year, than not at all, it means that much to us that we're (happily) in an LDR semi-permanently.

Crazy, right? Yeah, but it works for us, because it's the only way for now. I have a kid, granted she's 24, but I don't want to be 4000+ miles away from her, and as much as I try, I'll never be fluent enough in Finnish to be able to work there. Plus, education is free there, damn near everyone has an advanced degree, and I've got nothing, so I'd never get a job in my field. Oh yeah, I HATE the cold My guy is the only child of an elderly Mother, he's got a mortgage and a job, plus he loves Finland, and does not love the US, not one bit! I don't think he could ever really be happy here. We're both over 40 and have established lives in our own countries.

While our decision isn't for everybody, it's pretty damn hard sometimes, it's what we've decided and we're good with it. You both have kids, neither of you can move, but you can't bare to be apart, so why not discuss how you both feel about doing this LDR thing on a semi-permanent basis? Granted, you've got to change your whole mindset, but if you can't seem to be apart, maybe you just need to change your perspective on it? I think though, this ONLY works if you can meet up at least every year, preferably 2 or 3 times, otherwise it's just too much and not really worth it. To do this so long term, you need to reconnect with each other, you cannot go years without a visit.

If you think you can handle this, and honestly, you've got to be the independent type to even have a shot at it, why not talk with him and at least try it out? All relationships are different and not all fit the cookie-cutter mold of what we're told they should be, like mine Closing the distance isn't always the priority, because sometimes you just can't, it's not so easy for everyone. It's obvious that you two have a bond that's not easily broken, so sometimes you just need to find an alternative method that fits. I hope you're able to work it out, good luck.

I wish I had this mind frame that you have. I am only roughly 400 miles apart and the distance is hard. It takes it toll on me a lot more then he shows it takes on him. But what interest me about your advise is that you said semi permanent....exactly what is that? I have never heard of that and I am new to having a serious LDR.

[Moon]

I wish I had this mind frame that you have. I am only roughly 400 miles apart and the distance is hard. It takes it toll on me a lot more then he shows it takes on him. But what interest me about your advise is that you said semi permanent....exactly what is that? I have never heard of that and I am new to having a serious LDR.

Hmmm...I guess it means we don't know when, or if, we'll be able to close the distance. We hope to someday, of course, but who knows? I guess the semi part of semi-permanent means that we want to, and will if the right opportunity presents itself, but even if it doesn't, we're committed to our relationship anyway. I hope that explains it, its not easy to be clear, I guess, because I've kind of made it up myself

[Jmoc1024]

Hmmm...I guess it means we don't know when, or if, we'll be able to close the distance. We hope to someday, of course, but who knows? I guess the semi part of semi-permanent means that we want to, and will if the right opportunity presents itself, but even if it doesn't, we're committed to our relationship anyway. I hope that explains it, its not easy to be clear, I guess, because I've kind of made it up myself

thank you...I guess in a way it does make sense. I guess one can just interpret it as one can best understand it. I understand it as not making an expectation, like not crossing a bridge that you are not quite sure is there to begin with and at the same time not burning that bridge with thoughts, at least that is how I understand it from how you explained it. Either way it brings some kind of relief and mental soothing to the thought of the stress a LDR can cause. Thank you