30+ Need to vent a bit

[arrah5]

I have been seeing my SO for almost 4 months now. When we met, neither of us was looking to begin a relationship. He was recently out of a crappy relationship, and I had settled into divorced life. But we became friends and it progressed, quickly.

Due to the fact that he had just gotten out of a crappy relationship where the woman treated him like crap and basically used him to get back at her husband for cheating on her, he was rather reluctant to tell his family about our relationship. He has been living with his parents and 2 sisters since he left his wife over a year ago. They didn't approve of his relationship with that woman because he hasn't divorced his wife yet, mainly because of money issues, and its hard to find a lawyer willing to take the case. So naturally he wasn't too inclined to tell them about us. And this has been a huge bone of contention with me, feeling like he is setting me up to fail with his family.

Well, I was over there during the day last week when his older sister came home from work early. It was a rather embarrassing situation as I dressed for comfort, in my pajamas, and my hair was rather messy from the events of the day, and the room had a certain odor to it. Lets just say if she had come home 10 minutes sooner, it would have been mortifying! He is staying in the sitting room and has no door...

So, he decided to talk to his mom about it on Friday, so she wouldn't hear about it from the sister. And of course he got the "mom lecture" about how he needs to finish with his wife before finding a new woman, didn't he learn the last time, why can't you just go to a bar and meet a girl like everyone else, if this doesn't work out you'll have to see her all the time.....Well, I am determined to prove this woman wrong.

But the vent is this, I have been basically nagging him for a couple months now, to let his family know about us, I understand his reluctance to introduce me to his kids, since the last one became really close to the kids and then dumped him and left town for another guy, and you just cant do that to kids, but the parents and sisters that he lives with... it has been bugging me. I actually know his mom and sisters from growing up in our youth organization, and I don't think they would have a huge problem with me, just the situation. And I would have rather avoided the embarrassment the other day altogether, if she had known about us, and had noticed my car was there, it wouldn't have been so awkward. I feel like he was basically forced into telling them by the circumstances, but he just says "it was time". I think it was time 2 months ago!

Does anyone else have a different viewpoint? Am I being unreasonable by being upset about the embarrassment? It's not a deal breaker, but I just want other opinions about it.

And for the record, yes, he is still legally married, separated for over a year and having a hard time getting a lawyer to take his case. 4 kids and a major disability/pension plan is a tough one to handle I guess...
BTW my SO is 36 years old, and I am 34.

[Dezface]

I would have been irritated as well but there's not much you can do now. I would sit him down and explain how this all made you feel and why you wish it had been handled a different way. Maybe it will make you feel better if you can make him understand how this affected you. Unfortunately, what's done is done, but no harm in talking it out.

[Moon]

I can understand his reluctance, especially because of the lack of privacy in being his age and living with his mom and sister. I would try to let it go, he knows his family and probably didn't feel like having to hear any crap about it, which is hard to deal with when you're an adult stuck in his situation. I don't think 4 months is unreasonable, but the way it happened is unfortunate There's nothing you can do about it now though, and at least it forced everything out into the open. Shit happens, I think you've gotta just go with it, and help him to work on getting a place of his own!

[arrah5]

Thanks, guys, I realize that its done now, and believe me, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, to be able to be open with him in front of his sisters is huge! I'm not crazy enough to go overboard and be all mushy and affectionate at inappropriate times, but it feels better that they know.

I have spoken with him about how it made me feel, and he understands, to a point. In the end I think he was just being chicken about telling his parents cause he didn't want to deal with the judgmental response. But I am glad that its come to light, and I can begin the process of proving her wrong.

As for him getting a place of his own, I SO WISH!!! With him paying child support for 4 kids, and us trying to save up to close the distance, him getting his own place is such a pipe dream, apartments in the suburbs of Chicago are few and far between, and the rent is astronomical! I have fantasized many times about him having a place where I can go on my kid free weekends and be there when he gets home from work on Saturday mornings...