30+ Am I being too harsh?

[arrah5]

I just need a little 3rd person POV

Many times in our conversations my SO will say something to me that I consider completely off the wall and unrealistic. For instance, some nights he might say to me I wish I could hug you and kiss you right now, and I will reply with something along the lines of "you're at work" meaning we couldn't hug and kiss at that very moment anyways because you are at work... Tonight he said "I want you to fall asleep with your head in my lap" and I replied, "that would be nice, but we would actually have to be together for that to happen". He called me out on being harsh, and asked if I didn't think he realized there is a 2.5 hour time difference between us.

I know he knows this, but I guess that I see it as only 2.5 hours, he sees it as 2.5 hours! I make the trip to see him as often as my expenses will allow, and he came here one time to bring my daughter's date for a school dance. I feel like he hasn't made much of an effort to come see me, and I get tired of him saying he misses me when he sure doesn't make the effort to not miss me. He calls me on the phone with nothing to talk about, and I'm not one to sit on the phone and listen to someone breathe, and I hate to be the only one making conversation, so I get off the phone.

So I guess my question is... Am I being too harsh with him reminding him that we aren't together and its physically impossible for me to fall asleep in his arms tonight, or his lap, or his bed? Is it rude of me to be realistic about our relationship?

I hate shutting him down like that, but its harder for me to be away from him when he says such wonderful things. When its impossible for us to be together, especially on weekends like this when we both have our kids, I don't like to think about the things we could be doing, because it gets my hopes up that next weekend, when he doesn't have his kids, he will come to me and live out the dreams he created. Then when he doesn't show up, I am devastated. It makes me feel like he doesn't miss me as much as he says he does.

[ThePiedPiper]

Maybe you could explain to him what all you wrote here? The way you explain your feelings/reasoning behind your comments, I get it, but I didn't get it until I got to the end of your post. If someone reacted to my comments - and I did say those things with my ex, because it helped us bond when we otherwise could not (physically) - that way, I would probably take it sensitively, too. Rather than sounding realistic, it comes across as a rejection. :/ It sounds like you're shooting down his attempts to be affectionate with you as best as he knows how. When given the context, however, I read it entirely differently, but I have to wonder if you've ever given him the context outlined in your last paragraph?

I hate shutting him down like that, but its harder for me to be away from him when he says such wonderful things. When its impossible for us to be together, especially on weekends like this when we both have our kids, I don't like to think about the things we could be doing, because it gets my hopes up that next weekend, when he doesn't have his kids, he will come to me and live out the dreams he created. Then when he doesn't show up, I am devastated. It makes me feel like he doesn't miss me as much as he says he does.

[lucybelle]

Yeah I think that's harsh. He's trying to be sweet. I think you're upset about other parts of the relationship so you take it out on him when he's being nice. Talk about what's bothering you, passive aggressive behavior will get you nowhere.

[hans]

I agree with the others above, so yeah, think about how to approach him with your concerns and explain why you have been responding the way you have. To me it sounds like he is really passionate - but maybe not a big talker, i mean still calling you with nothing to talk about... That shows he's really interested, right?

[JoeyBug]

I agree that maybe you should let him know what you've written here, specifically the part that The Pied Piper mentioned, because, as they said, without the context it sounds harsh and that you're shooting him down when he's only trying to make you feel loved. I would probably feel the same way if it was said to me, and I know that my SO would be the one to say it too because, like you, he's a realist about such things. Still, we make it work, I do suggest that you talk to him about how it makes you feel and why you react the way you do, maybe then he'll realise that he needs to make more of an effort to come to you when you can't come to him...you need to tell him that.

Good Luck and let us know how it all works out...and

[srtd35]

I think your real problem is as the others have said he isn't coming to see you. I think you need to discuss that with him. My SO and I say stuff like I would love to be snuggled naked in your bed right now, sleep in your arms, kiss you etc... I think that keeps the romance alive when you can't be with them talking about what you would like to do. I know I love when he says stuff like that b/c it shows me he really does miss me.

I can relate to the one doing most of the traveling b/c due to my ex being a jerk I have been traveling to him. Even though I know Im doing the traveling b/c it really isn't a good idea for him to be here until my court case for custody is over...I can't say that I sometimes I don't feel like I'm the one putting forth all the effort. Hopefully that will all be resolved in the next couple of months and he can come visit me.

[Moon]

Yeah, I think you are being a little harsh, I'm all about being realistic, but it is OK for him to wish for those things, even if they aren't possible at the moment. I think you're letting your anger and resentment creep into other aspects of your relationship, and like everyone else said, you need to have a real talk about it. When you let that resentment build up, it's a surefire way to ruin it, because it'll bleed into everything before you know it.

[Benni]

He is being romantic! My SO says things like that all the time and it makes me feel wanted and needed..... and missed.

[chizatlauren]

When I read your first paragraph, I wanted to blurt out "Wow! That's harsh!".

But when I read through the last few parts, I do understand your point. But I think the way he's trying to be romantic doesn't have anything to do with your desire to be closer and to be together. You can be sweet to each other on that kinds of conversation, but you can also be truthful to him on how he's not giving out a lot of effort for the two of you to be together. Those are two different things. Don't give your SO a reason to be exasperated and not be sweet anymore.

[arrah5]

well, I talked to him about it tonight, and all he could say is "I'll try". Same thing hes been saying for almost 4 months now...

Today was a record breaking bad day for me, I woke up to find out a friend of mine passed away during the night, and my day didn't improve much from that point. When I told my SO the heart breaking news, and explained a bit about the friendship I had with him, and the family the guy left behind, he told me that it sounded like I had a lot on my mind so he wouldn't "bother" me today...

Maybe tomorrow will be different, hopefully better...

Thanks for all your thoughts on the subject, I didn't realize I was being passive aggressive. But, then again, I am tired of beating a dead horse about this with him...

[JoeyBug]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, that's always hard to deal with *big gentle squishes*

[arrah5]

UPDATE: My SO and I had a very long talk today about our issues, he is frustrated with me, and I am frustrated with him, so we talked and texted it out. Text because its sometimes easier for him to put something into written form than it is for him to say it, so he texts it to me and then we talk about it, weird I know, but it works... So what it came down to is the reason he doesn't come see me very often isn't a lack of effort, but a lack of cash flow, and it was very hard for him to admit that. We haven't exactly talked in detail about his expenses and such, but apparently there is some leftover stuff from his marriage that hasn't been resolved. I am very open about my expenses, and my cash flow, I "ass-u-me-d" he was being open and honest with me about his. I know that he still pays the rent on the house that his wife and kids live in, in lieu of child support, other than that I had no clue. And once he explained it all to me, then I better understood, by the end of the month, he barely has enough gas money to get back and forth to work, much less drive down to see me.

Aaaaaand that is an answer I can accept. I understand the whole flat-broke aspect of life. He wants to save up to get his own place up there, so I can come see him on my kid-free weekends and not have to fork out money for a hotel room, cause he hates that I have to do that based on his current living situation, but he doesn't see a way of doing that without getting a second job, and if he gets a second job the ex-wife2b will just ask for more money.

He did feel bad about leaving me to deal with my friend's death all by myself, and is a bit disgruntled that I am probably going to go to the visitation with my ex-husband. But honestly, we knew the guy when we were married, its a bit of a drive to where the services are being held (why take 2 cars?), and he and I have a very good friendly relationship. There is no love between us anymore, just a solid friendship based on wanting what is best for our children.

So, the long and short of it is, we talked, I cried, he felt bad, things are gonna be weird for a couple of days, and then things will go back to normal, cause we always end a disagreement with the promise that we aren't giving up, and still plan to be together. We just both have a ton of stress happening on our own sides of the phone.

Thanks, Joey, for your squishes, I needed that

[JoeyBug]

Glad to hear things have been sorted out

[Benni]

It always feels so much better when you get things 'aired out'.

[srtd35]

I think it is hard for guys to talk about money trouble especially in a new relationship. Glad you all were able to talk things out.