30+ LDR Advice on "Taking a Break"

[pj2029]

Hey Everyone,

I'm new here, although I've been following the site for a while, so hello!

This is a long, sad story, but thanks for reading it through if you can.

I could really use advice, support, or ways to cope with a situation with my BF of 2 and a half years. I'm almost 30, and he's 30, we love each other and we both have jobs that we love. We met in NYC (we're both from the NY Metro area), but he shortly got a promotion to San Francisco afterwards. Two and a half years later, we're still trying to make it work where we can be in the same place together.

I expressed desire to stay in NYC since I'm developing my career nicely, I'm really passionate about what I'm doing here and want to be close to family and friends. I've also seriously looked at jobs in SF (talked with three recruiters, applied to jobs, interviews, etc.), but found nothing as of yet that matches what I'm looking for. (My industry isn't as developed on the west coast). He hasn't done as much to look for jobs out here, but given his line of work in the tech industry, his ideal work enviornment and salary is something that keeps him there, along with this desire to be in a different place than his hometown and fear of failure.

While our careers are important, at the end of the day, we both have expressed to each other that we want to settle down and get married. It's always been difficult for us (we try to see each other every 1.5-2 months for a few days/weeks at a time), but right now, he's having a really hard time and asked for us to take a break. Just last week after being out of contact with me on a hiking trip, he came back and said how much he loves me and needs me in SF so we can start our lives together and start a family. Then, a few days later he says he's growing as a person and is having a hard time trying to keep me happy from far away because he feels like he's failing as a boyfriend. (I've been recovering from surgery for the past 3 weeks and have been kind of needy) He's been trying out a lot of new things to try and busy himself without me and thinks I don't support these efforts because I have gotten upset at our reduced communication. He's currently trying to get a dog. At this point, he's even refusing to have me move to SF because he thinks I'll be unhappy with my job and miss my family and doesn't want to be a part of that. It's crazy times back here!!!

It's now the first week into the break and I'm not coping very well but trying to keep a distance. He says he needs time to figure things out, have time to focus on himself and heal. We had a huge fight when I tried to convince him not to break. But, I very much understand this and I said I would support him and wait it out, but it's so hard. (We used to talk every day on the phone, emails, chats or texts). He says maybe in a few weeks, he'll be able to deal with it again, but he's not ready right now. When we talked about it, one of the last things he said was that he wanted to work it out, he just needs a break from the stress of trying to figure it out. We still love one another and we've both agreed not to see other people. He said he'll be doing a lot of figuring out alone. Even though he wanted to cut off all communication, and I stopped initiating any communication, he'll still say good morning and goodnight and ask if I'm ok. (...even as I type this he's sending me messages.) I'm responding, but trying to give him space. It's just very, very confusing...

To make matters worse, when he first said he wanted to separate, in the heat of the moment, I bought last minute plane tickets to SF for 5 days and booked a hotel to try and "fix things." Very, very bad idea. Definitely regretting that since I'm realizing me giving him space is really important and it's what he says he wants.... I plan on not telling him about what I did until my trip is over. It will be SO hard to be in the same place at him without him knowing and me trying to entertain myself alone while seeing all of our "spots" together as a couple.

I guess my questions are, do you think there's hope for this relationship to work? He doesn't want me to look for jobs in SF, but if I find something I love, I really wouldn't mind moving. I realize my priority now is starting my own family over career and I know he eventually wants to be a dad very much.

I really think this person is "the one" for me and we've both expressed that sentiment to each other and our families. I can't imagine life without this person and would be torn if we never got a "real shot" at being together by at least being in the same place full-time to see if we have a successful relationship together and possible marriage. While we have good days and bad days, and good weeks and bad weeks, I think we have more good than bad. I also want to make sure I'm not delusional about where this relationship is going though--hence my asking for advice. I am getting older, I do want kids (with my boyfriend ideally!), and I don't want to drag something out longer than it needs to. But, I don't think I'd be able to date again for quite some time...

How can I cope with the break? Both when I'm in SF on this ridiculous trip and while I wait back in NYC?

If he comes back from the break wanting to stay together, where can we go from there? Should I try again to come out to SF and look for more opportunities?

Thanks friends.

[Moon]

In your situation, what it comes down to is that one of you has to make the sacrifice and move, or it's just not going to work

If marriage and children are what you both eventually want, there really is no other solution. Taking a break isn't going to solve the problem unfortunately, and many times all it really is, is a slow break up. Sorry about that. Him not wanting you to look for jobs in SF is a pretty bad sign, especially since he isn't willing to move either. I kind of think you should tell him about the trip, and the circumstances in which you booked it, and see if he's willing to hash things out. I think you both need to figure out where you're going, or if it might be time to move on. Good luck.

[pj2029]

Thanks Moon.

I think that's sound advice. I'm preparing myself for the worst, but will play it by ear and see how it turns out. I just wish things weren't so "fuzzy." I'd rather not drag on a slow break up, but the signals I'm getting about willingness to work on things are very mixed, change from one day to the next and just so confusing.

Thanks for the help.

[AbundanceAbounds]

Hi PJ.
I sympathize with you as there are familiarities between your story and what I have experienced. My SO went through this in May and seems to be going through it again now. We haven't seen each other in almost three months. The first time we had a similar "break" it only lasted about a week until we saw each other on chat again. Our communications ramped back up again until just a few days ago, when he started again telling me he is scared of our relationship. Mind you, we are both in our 40s so we're not kids. I too will be the one who will have to move as he has kids he does not want to be away from, and I am perfectly accepting of that fact. He's just wrapping up his divorce so all his friends are telling him to date (sleep) around but that's not the kind of person he is and has said more than once that he cannot date more than one person, but he misses someone physically "there" to hug and just physically be with. I miss him too, but I guess I have more patience than he does.

I'm not sure about your trip. Personally I would cancel (if you can get the money back or at least get credit, which is why I always use Southwest) because he will not like you just showing up. If you go and don't see him, and he finds out about it later, that's going to be weird, and if you do decide to see him while you are there, he may not be in the frame of mind that you expect and it could make things worse. I'm no expert though, just giving my opinion.

Good luck!