30+ Looking for Advice and Perspective (Marriage?)

[patdesign]

I'm looking for a bit of advice, suggestions or perspective on long-distance relationships and marriage.

I've been dating a man for approaching 4 years. We've keep in constant contact with each other via phone, Skype, chat, video chat as well have done plane trip visits (very costly but well worth it!) to each others locations every 5 weeks for the entire time we've been together.

Now we are planning on relocating to a new area which either of us has friends or job currently. We see it as a fresh start and a new beginning for both of us at 40+. I'm fine with a move and rather excited about the idea of a new adventure as we both have been in a rut for a long time.

Now that gay marriage is legal in the state where my partner is living that is an option for us. (It is NOT legal in the state we plan on moving to or the state I live in.)

I think it would show a deeper level of commitment to me (and us) for us to marry before we up root our entire lives and make this major jump into the unknown.

I would like to marry and he has been resistant saying it would not marry someone before he has lived with them.

Am I right to make this a roadblock to us moving and starting a new life together?

[lucybelle]

I agree with your SO. I simply am not comfortable marrying someone before living with them. I lived with my SO almost 2 years before we got hitched. When I uprooted my life and moved to another country, I too wanted some sort of commitment from my SO. So I know the feeling. But just realize that both of you deciding to pick up your lives and start somewhere new together is a huge commitment in itself!! Your SO wants to be with you and he is willing to leave his family, friends and job in order to do that. See what a huge commitment that is?

[Moon]

People uproot and move themselves all the time, you don't need to be married to do that. You can always go back and visit his state to get hitched later, but I'm with him, I wouldn't want to marry anyone without living with them for a while first. Been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt (only to find out the t-shirt was the wrong size, badly made and ripped like hell in the dryer ). Good luck.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with LB and Moon. I think it's better when you live together before you get married. I personally am doing this,which is part of the reason why me and my fiance aren't getting married until late next year. But like LB said,I think the fact that he's as willing to uproot himself from everything and move for you should be a big enough sign that he's committed to you. Marriage should come when both parties are ready.

[Smelly Cat]

Hi Patdesign,

What they say is so very true: you never truly know someone until you've been with them 24 hours a day, every day for at least a week! The smallest habits may turn into the largest pet peeve, and it's important to know all their little habits before taking the giant leap of marriage. Is he/she a morning person? Does he/she snore like a dump truck? Is he/she organized or a slob? What are his/her dish-washing habits? Cleaning habits? Does he/she leave clothes all over the place? ...I know these may seem like teeny tiny issues but they can turn into major ones when you find out about them after rings are exchanged.

But then again, 4 years is a long time, so both of you need to do some serious thinking about making some serious changes.

[WaitingInChicago]

My husband and I were dating long distance for about six months before we were engaged, but we lived together before we were married. I think that helped a lot, and I agree with others that it is a good idea to live together before getting officially hitched. Maybe a compromise would be being engaged, but not setting a date until you have closed the distance.

[srtd35]

To me marriage is a just a piece of paper. If you have the commitment you have it regardless if you are legally married. Having said that my SO is moving here next year and we will have to get married b/c he can not live with me and the kids per my divorce otherwise I think he would have just moved here and lived with us.

[MZVIRGO82]

I strongly suggest living together. My ex and I knew each other for 9 years before deciding to be in a relationship. Everything was perfect so I suggested we live together before deciding to take things to the next level ( proposals, engagements, marriage ect...) so glad we decided to live together because it was then I found out about who he really was vs. what he was presenting himself to be when he was around me. To make a long story short, by the time our year lease ended we were broken up and I put him out...I'm not saying this to be negative in any way, but just like everyone has said above-you don't truly know a person unless you have lived with them.

To totally uproot your life in order to be with the one you love and start new with them in a new city is a huge commitment in my book. Best of luck to you and your partner!