30+ SO with kids?

[Smelly Cat]

Hi all!

I wonder if any women on this forum are in a LDR with someone who is divorced and has kids.

I'm 33 years old, and I must admit I had quite the roaring 20s during which my late-blooming wild child exploded onto the dating and party scene with alcohol-induced exuberance. I never felt the need to settle down or have children until the big 3-0 smacked me in the ass and sent me teetering off my spiked heels. Last year I met my British SO through mutual friends while he was in town for one of his frequent business trips to South East Asia. He's 4 years older, than me, divorced, and has 2 adorable kids: his little boy is 3, while his little girl is 6. (It's quite funny how people GASP and "oooh" and raise their eyebrows when I mention his age Being part Asian, I look young for my age. So when I tell people my SO is 37, they're shocked until I remind them that I'm 33. A 4 year age difference ain't that bad!)

As his kids live with their mother in the UK, I have never met them, and at this point in our relationship (10 months) I actually told him I would prefer they not know about me. He loves sending me pictures of his kids and telling me about their time together, which I also quite enjoy and don't mind at all. However, the fact remains, they are HIS kids. And though I work with children, I've never had any of my own so don't know what it's like to be a parent... I'm not sure how to describe this, or what I'm getting at, or if I'm even making any sense!

But I guess the point of my post is to ask whether anyone could share their experience with the same(ish) situation. Have you met his children? How did it go? How is your relationship with his kids? How do YOU feel about his kids?

Please share! I appreciate your anecdotes!

[blankita719]

Welcome! I;m not sure if you noticed the sub forum with children, but I've added a link for you. I think there are similar topics under that thread.
https://members.lovingfromadistance....-With-children

But to answer your question, yes, my SO has an 18 year old and I have a 9 year old. When we first met, it was long before I had my son and I had no reservations about being around his son. There is a 9 year age difference between my SO and I, so when we first met, it did seem a little overwhelming, but even if it was his son, I wanted to be a complete part of my SO's life, which included being involved with his child. If you are planning on making this a long term relationship, then you are going to have to get used to the idea of meeting and being around his children. They aren't going anywhere and if he's a good father, he won't give them up for a relationship. While you mention that maybe the biological clock is ticking, it doesn't seem by your post that having children is something that you're quite ready for. I might be reading too much into that, but for some people, kids are a deal breaker.

On the positive side - I love my SO's son and he loves mine. They're great kids and get along well, even though there is a big difference between the two. The first meetings went better than we could have imagined as our kids pretty much knew that we were a big part of each others lives before it got romantic so it wasn't very awkward at all.

[Smelly Cat]

Hi!

Thanks for the reply and thanks for the link! He's definitely a great dad. Having had an absentee dad myself and being an early childhood education teacher who has seen so much indifference in parents, I can tell how much he loves them, that he'll do anything for them. I guess the main concern lies with the fact that he already has kids... and I have none... yet I'd like one... yet he's not quite sure if he can jump into daddyhood again.
My life was practically the female, modern translation of Jeckyl and Hyde: party animal by day, school teacher by night. However, I reached a speed bump around the same time I met my SO and am now a professional couch potato! My 13-year career in education focused on early learners so I'm quite used to being around young children, changing diapers, soothing tears, holding them as they nod off towards the end of the day... So yes, basically this is the part where I'm defending myself for being called "not ready"... However, I wouldn't say that I'm fully ready either. What I have learned working with kids is that no one is truly ready for parenthood. It's a tough gig, it takes a lot out of a person, and no one is truly aware of just how much it takes until they are in that situation. This is why I admire him and respect him so much. He definitely won't give them up for a relationship, which he has made very clear. Again, I admire and respect that... Yet at the end of the day, I can't help but turn selfish and that evil voice in my head starts to whisper, "but what about ME?"

I can just tell that one day I'll be writing that post asking for advice on whether to hold on, or to end our LDR... But not now! As that will lead to an essay and a bucket of tears.

Did your son ask you questions about your SO? Did you have to sit him down and speak with him about your relationship? And how did he react?

[Dezface]

I never, ever wanted to be in a relationship with someone with kids. It was a giant deal breaker for me. Then I met my SO and since we started out just casually chatting, I thought nothing of the fact he had a child. Well turns out we fell in love and I had a decision to make. I chose him. I decided I could learn to deal with it.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it was hard. Some days it still is. I met his son when he was 3 and moved here 5 months after that. We still struggle. His child is a good kid but he's weird around me and my SO and I are currently working on fixing it. But I know now that I *can* make this work. It's just a learning process. For all of us.

You did mention wanting kids and your SO not being sure. I was very up front with my SO and told him I wanted kids like yesterday and if he wasn't interested then I would have to say goodbye. He was totally on board and let's just say things are right on track I think it's very important you establish this with your SO. If you want children badly, you're going to have to be clear on that front. I have a cousin who married an older man with two kids. She's wanted nothing more than to be a mom her entire life. Now it's 8 years later and he says he's still not "ready." And she's in her mid thirties.


I could write more but I'm on my phone and it's not cooperating. If you want to chat more about this topic, feel free to PM me as I was in a similar situation

[blankita719]

I agree with Dezface - discussing your desire to have children with your SO is very important because if you aren't on the same track with that, then you will have a problem later on down the road.

My son met my SO while he was here visiting me for the first time, just as we started our relationship again. My son was 6 at the time, so his concern was that he wouldn't be my #1 guy anymore. I'm a completely single mom and his father isn't in the picture at all anymore, so it had been just us for awhile. I made it clear that he was always my first priority, and my SO's son is his so there's no issue with that.
He does ask questions about how we're all going to end up in the same place, but we're still working on that

I think my situation was an ideal one because I wasn't a complete stranger to my SO's son when we got together. He already "knew" me. However, I have dated other guys with kids and I had pretty similar experiences. It was never really that difficult, I think because of the way I approached it. The trick I've found is to not act like a parent around them. Many times, they have a mom who is involved and kids can resent someone trying to butt in and act like their parent. Has your SO talked about introducing you to his kids yet? Are you making any plans to visit him where he lives and can see him in action?