30+ Our first two dates were great! Our first trip, a disaster. What would you do?

[New2this]

It's always good to start off strength based right? lol.
My SO and I grew up in the same city, we went to the same elementary and junior high school. However we didn't get to know each other until 3.5 months ago. It all started because we became friends on social media. After commenting on some of his posts about his amazing trips he offered to take me on one, to my suprise. I wasn't comfortable going away with someone I barely knew so on his visits to NY he took me on two dates. Each date was great! They turned out so well that we ended up keeping in touch everyday and even saying I love you. We made plans for our future and we were in bliss.
Of course.....as time passed we engaged into spats and heated disagreements but would then got over it. Just so you know, he has been in the army since after high school and left to do contract work in the middle east. So he is much more used to long distance relationships than I am.

Now for the trip...(1)It started rocky because I got upset when he was not at the airport to meet me like we planned. It was my first time on that side of the world but due to his poor timining he didnt get a cab in time and I had a choice of waiting for him another 30 or so min or taking a 10 min cab ride alone to the hotel... I chose the 10min cab ride. (2) we get over it and the first day and a 1/2 is good. Except, I find that he uses his phone alot. I did make comments about it but I didnt feel the need to have a long drawn out discussion. (3) He had to discuss some business but he can only do so at the hotel due to wifi service...he ended up staying on the computer for a while; instant messaging people and watching football games.. It pissed me off and he stopped a few times to check if I was alright but I didnt want to fight. (4) Same night he is now upset with me for being upset with him -_- really? I ended up watching a movie on his laptop to try to get in a better mood. Afterward I was better and asked if he wanted to do anything, he said no (it was late there was a lounge/club and pool open). He had an attitude and said i can go alone. Offended and upset I did just that, he obviously didnt think i would because he began dozing off and when I left he seemed suprised. (5) I was gone for about an hour and when i returned he broke up with me!!! he said me just walking out without saying anything was very disrespectful, we arent as compatible as he thought, he doesnt like my mindset and doesnt want to drag this out for a year if thats the case. He also mentioned that I made sly remarks about him being on the phone, and I make other unncessary comments and I seem combative. And if I wanted him off I shouldve just said so. (6) I was in shock and hurt. I didnt know what to do and I had no where to run. Home was 14 hours away. I apologized for walkingout on him and reminded him he suggested i go alone. I didnt want to lose him and told him I'll work on that part of myself. A part of me felt stupid because i felt like I appeared desperate to keep him. Which is pathetic but I really didnt want things to end over that one incident.
(6) we decide to work things out but ever since the that night things were different..at least for me. I was so hurt that he would break up so easily but glad he decided to stay. Things didnt get much better tho, we changed hotels (as planned) and he got upset about a joke I made in the cab and when I asked him why he deleted me off fb and if he and a particular girl were more than friends (this didnt happen all at once). The girl and him are very flirty and friendly on social sites. She even calls him pet names, but in one of the comments it seems that she knows about me, its weird.
(7) He ends things again after I asked about her. He denies that they/re together. (8) We keep bickering (9)Our last day was ok actually. According to him, that was the most we agreed the entire trip and that day he realized maybe we really can work things out -__- In my opinion that day had its up and downs. (10) We never officially got back together, we didnt have a conversation about our status, just decided to slow down. So the last day just happened.

On my way back home, I feel emotionally exhausted and emotionally beat up. I begin prepping myself emotionally for us to be friends and work on things at a slower pace because technically we never agreed to be offical again. When I return home, he acts as if nothing happened and is his usual pleasant self. During the trip I found him to have more of an attitude and made harsh jokes and jabs. He blames that on miscommunication (he claims it was his response to my sly remarks) and apologized. I told him that trip hurt me and he said sorry and he wants to work on the future and not focus on the past.
The trip was two and a 1/2 weeks ago. And our communication began slow, picked up and slowed down again. Its labour day weekend here and I have been more social because I dont want to dedicate as much time being home just waiting on his calls if we technically arent together. He doesnt say I love you anymore, he takes longer to respond to texts and our facetime isnt the same.
We are going to see each other later this month and hopefully things go more smoothly. But I'm not as confident about us as I first was. He is distant, and he seems to be that way by nature (AT TIMES) both before, during and after the trip. At times i also need my space so I can relate but he requires more space than me.
Lastly we never added each other on the social sites again which is probably best BUT I snuck a peek at his page and the specific girl Im worried about and I saw that they went clubbing together and her caption was "mi amor". He had the same pic up with no caption. I got so upset but I cant tell him i was stalking his page. I never want to look again. Before finding the pics he actually offered to add me back and I passed. I dont know what to think, they could be friends or more. He denies it but why would he really admit that.

What do you guys think. I'm sorry for rambling.

[maja]

Two things came to mind after reading your post:

1) I can totally understand your fears and I also agree that his behaviour during the visit was appropriate. Especially with the first visit I would expect you two to be totally caught up in each other.
2) I feel ridiculous for saying this considering I'm 9 years younger than you - I'm sorry, but it seems that you guys need to grow up. Breaking up over someone walking away? Deleting each other off social media in the same step? That just seems like the kind of drama I pulled in high school.

I think you should just calmly and openly talk to him about what's bothering you. I have found that talking about it in a mature and neutral way and talking things out is pretty much always the best way to go. I just know that keeping negative feelings in and nurturing fears only allows them to grow stronger over time. Especially with jealousy. Tell him how you feel, that you are scared there is more between him and said girl and tell him about the pictures as well. Not talking about that will just leave you wondering about what she meant, no matter what he says.

And lastly I think you should wait and see how the second visit goes.

[New2this]

Thanks maja. Unfortunately, your right about the maturity piece. Im trying to fight through the fears now its just hard. And I'm also working on communicating more directly rather than indirectly.
Im also struggling with the criticism and doubt from other people about a long distance relationship working out. It makes the situation worse.

[Kiyama]

The fact he was ready to walk out of this that easily would worry me.
He seems pretty immature and impulsive. He breaks up just because you decide to go to the pool alone? How old is he... 8?
That would definitely be something to have a talk about. I'm not saying you could have been a bit more understanding when he obviously needed some space (yes, even on holiday that's allowed in my opinion) but breaking up over you getting upset is so not on.

[Moon]

Kiyama is right, also, your first trip going so poorly is a very bad sign. That's the one where you're supposed to be so ridiculously romantic that those dumb little things are totally overlooked Take your second trip, but if it doesn't go GREAT, I think I'd call it off. He sounds too unstable to me.

[New2this]

Thanks guys. Its sad and scary to know that such strong feelings can go sour and turn to doubt. I'll see how our 2nd trip goes *sighs

[differentcountries]

Hie,

my initial reaction to reading this is that you both come out as nervous and easily offended. So that is something that you both will have to work on (regardless of weather or not you are staying together!). I have a comment; do you know what each other's love language is? Is it kind words, services, time together, touch or gifts. Most people like a little bit of all of them, but still one usually talks to the heart more. Myself I have touch. I always feel more loved when someone holds me or gives me a hug. Therefore long distance is hard on me, because I always crave touch so much. I have to be creative in order to make up for that (usually I do a lot of fanasazing with my SO about touch, like saying I will invent a machine that will make me travel via his computer to kiss him and so on). Also, I think you will need to do something in order to know each other better and also make some kind of arrangements/compromise. For instance; is it ok to work when the two of you are together? if he has to work, can he arrange it so that parts of the day he does not work at all but gives you his undivided attention? when the to of you become uncomfortable, how will you handle it? it seems you both have a tendency to black and white thinkingg. Sometimes people are cruel, but a large part of the time people are just trying to get along the best they can. No-one likes to be critisized or to be left alone. It seems you are comfusing each other and that must be painful.

Maybe the tecniqu of Non-Violent Communication can help you somewhat. Every statement speaks of an underlying need, the type of need that is basic to all humans, like the need for privacy, togetherness, fun, clarity and so on. Every person is like a riddle, because what he or she says or does is really like a map to this underlying need. And since we all have these needs, we can sympathize when someone else experience them. If you can see your lover as a fellow human being that may help when comfusion arise again. Love is passion, but you also need a bit of sympathy and friendship, especially since many of us are attracted to people we don't really understand (but like. a lot). The goal is not to be right, but to connect. Try to hold your feet next time you want to storm off (it is hard! i too get these urges...) because that obviously hurts him. And he can try, with your help, to avoid reacting in ways that hurt you. Love is so scary because it can make us vunerable and almost paranoid... But if you really LIVE in that vunerability, it does not feel so scary anymore. And the other person does not have to do everything right in order for you to feel loved. And when something importent comes up, you can talk about it not like an accusation, but like a challenge the two of you can handle together.