30+ Need opinions please and thank you

[Sark]

So long story short I am a recent widow. Decided I wanted to start dating and came in contact with my first love in high school. Five months ago we started talking and things became more serious and he gave me a promise ring and wants to marry. Right now he lives four hours away. He lives with brother and sister. He moved in with them to help care for brother who had back surgery I was unable to walk. He expresses to me that his brother makes no attempt to get well and he has told him that he cant take care of him forever he wants to move back home where I live. His brother doesnt care and my bf tells me oh well nothing I can do. This frustrates me because he wants to make a life with me but he seems to have given up on the idea of his brothers recovery so he can move back. I am at a loss and dont know what to say. So basically there is no ending point. He always says with my brother walks and can care for himself I am moving back but like I said his brother is not making attempts. Other thing is there sister is there she does work but wonder why she wont figure out something to help my bf to move back and have a life he wants with me. So I guess what I want to know is how do I bring this up or what do I say. Am I being unresonable should I wait it out??? I have a deep fear of loss due to my husbands passing so I fear if I tell him how I feel he will cut me off.

[aniay]

I'm sorry for your loss but you can't agree on everything only because you are afraid of loosing him.

I'd ask myself if he is THE ONE or just a person to fill your loneliness?

It's great that he takes care of his brother but for example I can't imagine giving up on my SO in case of my Parents falling ill. I'd do anything and everything to find a way how to take care of them and still be with my love.

At the same time If my SO was obviously choosing someone from his family over me I'd talk with him, try to find a way even if it meant living together with this other person.

In my opinion he SHOULD stand for himself and not allow his brother to just use him like that and you should stand for yourself and find out what YOU want. I'm sure there is compromise possible in most situations but ALL people involved should give up some part of what they want and gain something. You just need to decide what you want the most.

Good luck

[Sark]

Hi thank you for the reply. It is a tough situation and I have thought about the whole loneliness part but don't believe I am cause I would just find someone near me if that were the case. I do care for him, and sometimes feel he is choosing him over me but i know it might be selfish to think of it that way. I guess I have to figure out what it is I want most.I just cant decide really stinks.

[Benni]

He might feel guilt if he left his brother at this time. He probably feels stuck and helpless about the situation.

I moved back to Texas to take care of my mother who also will not help herself get better. I want so much to go back to Indiana where my children/grandchildren are but I would feel such guilt if I left Mom now. I also have a sis who helps with the care -- mom is very difficult and sis can't so it alone, she'd go insane.

So, I am feeling stuck and helpless also. BUT, I have to say if my guy asked me to move to Newfoundland to be with him, I'd do it a heartbeat. Sis would just have to find someone else to help out with Mom.

[Sark]

I agree I have a feeling he feels stuck. Sometimes when he talks about you can hear it in his voice. I know its a tough situation..

[differentcountries]

There are several possabilities here;

You could move in with/close to him/his brother/his sister
He could move back with you leaving his brother (and sister?) to their own devices
He could try to figure out a plan for his brother to get better (what are the options for rehabilitation?) and then leave in, let's say, 6 months.
He could try re-locating his brother/sister to near where you live

This is a discussion that should involve all 4 of you (and money is also an issue I guess). Good luck at finding out what can be done

[xanzbarr]

He might feel guilt if he left his brother at this time. He probably feels stuck and helpless about the situation.

I moved back to Texas to take care of my mother who also will not help herself get better. I want so much to go back to Indiana where my children/grandchildren are but I would feel such guilt if I left Mom now. I also have a sis who helps with the care -- mom is very difficult and sis can't so it alone, she'd go insane.

So, I am feeling stuck and helpless also. BUT, I have to say if my guy asked me to move to Newfoundland to be with him, I'd do it a heartbeat. Sis would just have to find someone else to help out with Mom.

hi benni I am in a situation similar to yours except there is no one else but me and Mom has Alzheimers, which only gets worse.My brother is in Baltimore with a govt job. I think the brother needs to be in rehab and he also needs a psychiatrist. Your love needs to see what is available for them to use for this situation. You may have to bring it up like him setting a time limit to his brother and see what happens. Your SO is definitely stuck and probably is wigging out at times over the whole thing. I dont envy him or your situation. It may take time to get together like you want (both of you). I hope things work out for both of you. talking about it is key he probably needs to vent and you need to tell him your understanding of his predicament but also let him know youre expecting to be together someday. best of luck.

[Benni]

Dealing with Alzheimer's is VERY difficult and stressful indeed!! I'm sorry you are having to deal with it.
I'm lucky enough to have enlisted help from my Sis and 2 brothers so I can move to Newfoundland, marry, and live there without worrying.

I do hope the OP has good luck finding the help his brother needs so he can free himself from the dilemma he's in.