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**piratemama** · December 26, 2013, 09:15 AM

I'm sorry AbundanceAbounds for your hurt and pain. I think most people really want to vent or to be comforted on this forum, as it hurts sometimes to get the truth. I've found that to be true for me, anyway. If I ask for advice, I want it, painful truth and all. Sometimes, I only want sympathy, though. I'm not sure where you stand. It sounds like 4 years is long enough to get over a death or divorce. It's suspicious that he can't move forward in that amount of time. This sounds like a case where "if you love something, set him free; if it is yours, it will come back. If not, it was never meant to be." Forgive me for murdering the quote, but you get the point. If he loves you, he will contact you. I'd tell him you are going to give him space, but that you will be there for him if he needs you. Then, let him be.

**AbundanceAbounds** · December 26, 2013, 04:56 PM

Piratemama, thank you for replying to my post. I am not sure what I wanted other than to vent and be sad. As for the four years, he's been legally separated for four years, only physically moved out last year due to finances, and the divorce is pending the sale of the family home, which is in his name. His ex cannot afford the house on her own. Currently he is legally responsible for all the household bills which is why he cannot afford his own place yet, even an apartment. When they're divorced he will only be responsible for X amount of dollars, which is about half of his current outlay. The house is for sale, below market price, but in an economically-depressed part of the country. Anyone need a nice, 5-bedroom house in NJ?

Well, Christmas came and went without any acknowledgement of my gift to him. I still cannot believe that. I have done all the things you suggest, giving him his space and letting him know I am here when he needs me. I guess he just doesn't need me now.

**differentcountries** · December 26, 2013, 05:32 PM

It could be that he simply has too much on his plate. His situation sounds draining. What man would have much to give in that situation? Also, you worry too much for him. does this man have it in him to juggle kids, work, girlfriend and an uncertain economical future? I will say rather give ultimatums than setting free in these cases. You should be able to ask for important things and he stretch to give them if he can.

**piratemama** · December 26, 2013, 07:55 PM

I agree with differentcountries on the idea of an ultimatum, but I think I'd be as respectful and loving as possible in doing it. You can be firm, but you are leaving the door open. That's in case he really has just had too much on his plate. I said earlier that 4 years is a long time, but I didn't know he wasn't actually divorced. I'm divorced. My ex had been married before, and he had a very difficult time with the divorce. He almost had a breakdown. Once the court date came and it was official, he felt a load off. I had met him during his separation (NOT BEFORE FOLKS), and I saw the pain. It was a like a light switched on, though, as the divorce actually took place. It's possible that is the situation with your SO. It may not be that he doesn't care for you, but divorce is like a death. It doesn't matter who's to blame or whatnot.

I'd still find a way to tell him that you can't stand being hurt and will give him space. Then back off completely. None of us deserve to be stomped on and mistreated. If he would disregard your feelings now, it will only get worse if you two ever married.

**OperaDiva** · December 27, 2013, 01:19 AM

I am a little confused here (and before my first coffee so I apologize if I am too blunt). He broke up with you 5 months ago, and I think staying in contact was a bad idea for your healing process btw, but why did you send him a present? You need to move on, hanging on and waiting for him to maybe get his things in order (which might take years more), and then suddenly decide that he loves you because you settled for his "crumbs" and not even that all this time? You need to show more love for yourself, Abundance!

Originally posted by AbundanceAbounds View Post

can't he give me a couple crumbs at least?

This sentence killed me a little inside. You deserve more than just a crumbs, you deserve to move on, heal, love yourself, have a fulfilling life and a fulfilling love, a man that gives you a 100% and that you can give a 100% to. Good luck!

**AbundanceAbounds** · December 27, 2013, 02:27 AM

He "broke up" with me because he was not at the place where he could offer me what he would normally want to do, which is a committed, serious relationship. As his divorce was not final, he is unhappy with work, he doesn't have a place of his own, etc., he, as a traditional man, does not feel like he can offer me what I deserve at the time, but that does not mean that he did not love me. Operadiva, I understand what you are saying, and I appreciate the concern. But he is one of those men you meet once in a lifetime and are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt to work through the things he needs to work through. Neither of us are kids, I will be 50 in 6 months, but I am not desperate and never wanted another marriage until I met him. I know it's hard to understand from the outside and frankly, I could have one of several men in my own town how have professed their interest, but this is the man I love. Our breakup was more for the time being, not forever. If it was forever, I would have moved on, but I know that it was only because of the circumstances. If he were to tell me it was over for good, then yes, I would move on. As Piratemama stated, sometimes getting through/over a divorce is excruciating (I have been divorced more than once) and in his case, I believe this is the case.

**OperaDiva** · December 27, 2013, 03:02 AM

I understand (and I am post-coffee now) and respect your decision of course. I am simply concerned that you are settling for less than you deserve. I wish you luck in any case of course, and the best for the new year!

PS There is a blog that I swear by in terms of relationships (and I do not read blogs and/or advice columns in general) and if you have time, please take a look -
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why...ion-about-you/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why...ing-available/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are...oose-me-stick/

**lilspitfire** · July 13, 2014, 10:23 AM

Originally posted by AbundanceAbounds View Post

He "broke up" with me because he was not at the place where he could offer me what he would normally want to do, which is a committed, serious relationship.

Stuff like this bothers me. If you love someone, truly love them, then how can you not do what you can to be with them? He could have said something like "My plate is really full, so I might not be able to give you all the attention you deserve, but I'll do what I can." His reasoning sounds selfish IMO. People get busy. Life gets hectic. Doesn't mean you should treat your SO like sh*t. He acts like NO ONE ELSE has EVER had a hectic time in their life. I despise people that play the victim card trying to make others believe that no one else on this planet has gone through/is going through as bad or much worse AND probably still in a relationship. He doesn't sound mature enough to be in a relationship. Sorry for the bluntness.

**AbundanceAbounds** · July 13, 2014, 02:01 PM

Thanks to all who have given their opinions here. Unfortunately, my situation did not work out. Last fall, after the breakup he continued to text me at work so I thought we were still connected and we'd get back together, but it didn't happen. I sent him a personal present for Christmas which he ignored (no thank you, no Merry Christmas on that day, etc.) so I spent a terribly holiday/vacation week crying my eyes out. I decided to ignore his work texts when I got back to work after the holidays and that did help some, and eventually he stopped trying to make contact. Then I heard from a coworker/friend that he was back seeing the woman he broke up with in 2013 to date me. She lives there. It wasn't a surprise but it still hurt. Then a couple months later he posted a photo of the two of them as his profile picture on Facebook, and that was it. We finally had a conversation (over chat, but better than nothing I suppose) where I confronted him about ignoring the Xmas gift, etc., but he had answers for everything. He is finally "happy with himself," etc. and I thought he will always love me, blah blah blah, he is not in love with me anymore. So I am trying to move on. I even have a new boyfriend but I still find myself being affected by thoughts of this relationship. I'll get over it eventually; I always do. Thank you everyone for caring.

**lilspitfire** · July 13, 2014, 02:03 PM

No offense, but you're better off. I had a feeling something like him finding someone local would come up. He's unworthy of one iota of you and I barely know you.

**AbundanceAbounds** · July 14, 2014, 01:26 AM

Thanks so much for the kind words. I guess I was too naive to read between the line, assuming the distance was the only issue when apparently it was not. It's been mover a year since we've seen each other and 11 months since a phone call, but there is still a hold there that I am trying so hard to let go of. I was just SO SURE, you know, but I know I'll get over him. It took me about three years to truly get over the last person I was that "sure" about, but he and I had a 20 year on-off relationship, so I hope this won't take that long. I do appreciate your care and concern.

**AbundanceAbounds** · July 14, 2014, 01:35 AM

OperaDiva,
I never got to thank you for the post and the links. I guess after everything imploded, I had no need to be on here anymore. Anyway, I started reading the blog and I really like it. Thank you for recommending it!

Trisha in Nashville

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