30+ First argument?

[Pony]

Hi all,

My s.o. and I have yet to have a disagreement after three months-plus of non-stop interaction. I won't say we've never had a serious discussion, but we haven't "argued." We talk about when that day will come, though I have serious doubt about the gravity of such an event. We are both fairly even-keeled, polite people.

I'm curious whether any of you experienced a long into period where you never argued, for how long, and when you did finally argue how serious was it (and, maybe, what was it about?) I know couples that never argue might be hiding from the reality of their frustration (which doesn't appear to be our case so far) so how long did it take and did you survive?

Thanks

[jana89]

I think we had our first real argument after like ten months. It was in time when neither of us "was wearing the rose-colored glasses" anymore and our differences started to come up. But hey, two years later, and we are still together and getting close to closing the distance I think it is healthy to "let the steam go" once a while, better than keep it inside. Good luck with your relationship and welcome to LFAD

[differentcountries]

Oh, my so is impossable to argue with. I only tried that once, a month into our relationship. He takes fights oh so seriously. He does not react well to harsh words or even tone of voice, it is like I was physically hitting him. I had no idea he would react like that. I was just frustrated and pissed because I sensed he was holding back. I agreed to never argue with him again, and I said we have to voice our differences and frustrations somehow. I find nvc language very useful. I have used it to raise several issues with him. I mean, they are my issues but I would say sometimes it bothers him too or at least the relationship is improved by voicing and looking for solutions.

BTW the thing we faught about was in part based on a misunderstanding. I was hurt because he seemed reluctant to come see me. I knew too he wanted me to come there. Our solution became that I went first and now he is coming. I remember I stopped quarreling because I was laughing... Because it was so stupid, he was like I have no time to come and he did have exams but he did not know /tell me the dates... I am teaching him to be more of a planner, he is teaching me to relax I am still going to be confrontational and dramatic, and he will still be nice and reluctant to break the harmony, but hopefully we will always like each other even when we don't understand all.

[lucybelle]

When my SO and I have issues, we talk it out. It's never come to screaming or shouting or name calling. It's more like "hey I have a problem" "hey thanks for telling me, let's figure this out".

[snow]

My man and I usually talk about our problems.
The other day we had an issue where we both reacted totally unlike us. So I would say this was our first real fight.

[itsjen516]

i think its good to not fight to be honest. till this day me ans my SO have never had a fight. do we get annoyed at each other but its NEVER been a real fight. as long as you keep the commincation good i dont see why you would have any real issues. insted of keeping things in just say "can we talk late something has been bothering me"

[piratemama]

I was wondering if it's easier to keep calm because we are LD. My SO and I have never had an argument, but we have had a few disagreements that were discussed openly and peacefully. We had one major misunderstanding that we handled really well. We took a few days off of not talking by phone, but we emailed each other. Then we came back and discussed the issue. That was kind of early on, and we have since learned each other better. We both communicate differently, and talking over an issue on the phone was not easy. We couldn't see each other's facial expressions and body language. Skype has really helped us to understand each other. My SO is a gentle spirit, so I can't imagine him losing his temper.

[xanzbarr]

My SO and I have known each other for 35 years, Of course there have been times when we were out of touch with each other, but having dated CD several times in the past, the only reason we didnt get together then was he wasnt ready to settle down. We have had one argument , I guess it was 20 years ago over something we cant even remember what it was now. We tell each other everything and if there is a problem for someone we discuss it. We each know the other has good intentions toward the other so as long as we have been together this time we havent gotten angry with each other. I guess we communicate well and really KNOW each other. i know if I have a problem with him I think about it before I discuss it with him so by the time we talk its pretty calm. I trust him and he trusts me. Might be because were getting older by the minute..LOL

[Pony]

I was wondering if it's easier to keep calm because we are LD. My SO and I have never had an argument, but we have had a few disagreements that were discussed openly and peacefully. We had one major misunderstanding that we handled really well. We took a few days off of not talking by phone, but we emailed each other. Then we came back and discussed the issue. That was kind of early on, and we have since learned each other better. We both communicate differently, and talking over an issue on the phone was not easy. We couldn't see each other's facial expressions and body language. Skype has really helped us to understand each other. My SO is a gentle spirit, so I can't imagine him losing his temper.

This is a great observation, and now I wonder, too. I would add, though, that even if this is so, might it make future disagreements easier to manage because of a "habit" of being peaceful through LD?

[piratemama]

This is a great observation, and now I wonder, too. I would add, though, that even if this is so, might it make future disagreements easier to manage because of a "habit" of being peaceful through LD?

In my relationship, we have learned better how to resolve differences and communicate due to the LD. The distance is also developing my patience, although it's a painful process. I do believe it will make future disagreements easier to manage. I don't think that's necessarily true for others judging by the recent threads on disagreements. I'm surprised more people haven't answered your thread, since there have been discussions on disagreements here. I guess folks don't really want to talk much about it. Maybe people have their unique ways of reacting to LD. Some might get frustrating and show that as anger, while others might not.

[Benni]

When my SO and I have issues, we talk it out. It's never come to screaming or shouting or name calling. It's more like "hey I have a problem" "hey thanks for telling me, let's figure this out".

That's how we've always been. I'm the one that gets flustered/upset (redheaded temper type thing). Within minutes, he can calm me down and we discuss it with level heads. He truly balances me.

[BagOfPenguins]

My SO really has a hard time discussing things rationally, because his ex went completely batshit crazy when there were disagreements (damaging his stuff and whatnot) and he's just not used to talking leading anywhere. So I'm working on getting him to realize that talking actually helps with sorting things out or that telling me when something bothers him does not automatically lead to huge fights. It can be very exhausting at times, but fortunately there aren't many disagreements in the first place. Btw this goes for CD and LD as we started out CD.

[Sanja]

We haven't had an argument in nine months we've been together and I'm hoping it stays that way. Why not just talk it out? We miss each other and it's hard enough as is. No sense of adding anything else to already challenging situation.

[differentcountries]

Why not just talk it out?

I think that is actually what people try to do when they start to argue... It could be a misunderstanding, or a big disagreement, or a small disagreement with symbolic value. It could be that the moment you try to talk it over, Skype makes it impossable to what the other person is saying, or you can't even talk because the sound is off. And sometimes things that are not easy to say or understand comes out in an argument, like preassure being released. Actually I am glad for the 2-3 arguments we had because they pointed to two important issues: 1) Our need to plan in order for the long distance to work and 2) Our need to discuss in detail how we will arrange our future past this year. Though I really disliked the fights I think they served a purpose.

[RedWhirlwind]

We haven't really had 'arguments' so much as miscommunications. The first one was about 4 months in, and we've had a few since then (going on a year), but we take those miscommunications as opportunities to discuss whatever caused them and get to know each other better, learn how to avoid them in the future. We've never had a screaming match or called names. That's not either of our styles. There may have been slightly raised voices once or twice, but when that happened we both knew we needed to take a break to calm down.

The bottom line goal of any disagreement or argument or miscommunication to me, is to come out the other side knowing each other better. You're a team, you're on the same side. If your goal is to win the argument, then you might want to re-examine why feel that way.