30+ My boyfriend's female best friend

[janetb1968]

Hi this is my first time posting but have been a long-time lurker. Ive been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years I am 45 and he is 48 divorced with 2 kids. I live up North in the UK and he is down south. We've had our ups and downs but we do love each other. He has a female best friend who I thought nothing of till March last year when she came to stay at his house in the spare room, they apparently went out for meals and drinks catching up on things. They've known each other for 30 years, I knew nothing of this till he told me at the end of the week after she had left. He said he should've told me and was very upset I would go mad at him. I was just stunned and didnt take it all in what he was saying to me. He stressed that nothing had happened so I just tried to forget about it because I love him and I wanted to trust him but I did cry a lot to myself after he'd told me. The week I was supposed to visit him myself was the week she came down and he had told me he was going to be busy. What an idiot I feel now! I was with him the month after for a week but he was quite distant and just not himself which he admitted to me and apologised, especially in the way he was with me. We didn't see each other again due to work and money till October and I confess I found it hard to get this friend out of my head. I unfortunately snooped in his mobile when we met in October and I feel very ashamed because I have never snooped in all my previous relationships and my last partner cheated all the way through our time together. I found text messages between this friend and him saying they loved each other and he was going to visit her but I don't think he has. He actually said he loved her and wanted to be with her her reply was she thought it was best they stayed best friends as too much time had passed but she loved him loads! He replied he was sad now but she was still his best friend and no1 girl! He calls her sweetness and gorgeous and she calls him honey. One last text in November asked her what plans should he make with his life and one idea was to sell up buy a motor home and come for her! To say I was stunned is an understatement and how the hell I stayed calm the rest of the week is beyond me. There is absolutely no mention of me at all in these exchanges and I don't think he wants us to meet or friend each other on Facebook. I have kept quiet because I have no idea what to do about any of it and I also feel ashamed for looking in his phone. I don't think whatever has gone on is going on now but I think they are still in contact. He is still very loving to me, misses me, wants me and says he loves me lots. He was only saying on Thursday night how much he is missing me. We have both said we need to talk though about our future and what we both want in our relationship. I am seeing him next week for a week and I know im going to have to speak to him about him and her, can't keep my head in the sand any longer. Thank you for listening im sorry its a bit long I just want some advice as I feel im going round in circles :-(.

[Moon]

I am sorry, but it sounds like his heart truly belongs to someone else If, after 4 years, it's not with you, I don't see how that could change. For me, I'd never stand for knowing I was someone's substitute, I couldn't live like that.

I'm normally 100% against snooping, but it looks like you made the right choice. I'd tell hm what you did, without apology, and what you found, and see what he has to say for himself. You had good reason to not trust him, remember that. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

I have friends that I love very intimately and will spend money on and feel a type of love. I think snooping only confuse things because you dont se it in context, plus it is a break of trust. I have friends telling me to move next to them. I have friends I worry about and feel joy about like family.

I realize that English is not very precice. Love means so many different things. My biggest concern is that friends and loved ones should meet.

Btw : my so has a female best friend. He has more contact with her than his own brother. She even has my name. They are really very intimate. I kind of see where you are coming from. I was kind of shocked when I found out. However, I am meeting her in a couple of weeks. I suggest you do something of the kind. Check the chemistry yourself.

[Dezface]

I think it's pretty clear he wants this other woman. I'm sorry to say it sounds as if you're second choice. I don't agree with differentcountries in that this could be a case of not understanding context. He chose to spend time with her over time with you and didn't even tell you about it. He told her he wants to be with her and she shot him down. Those are not ambiguous things.

I'm sorry it hurts but he's with you because she won't have him. Don't settle for that.

[janetb1968]

Thank you for your replies and advice it seems like I have a lot to think about before I see him :-(

[piratemama]

You both need to lay your cards out on the table and be open. You need to know what the deal really is with that other girl. If she's only a friend, maybe he can explain it to your satisfaction. You have every right to know where you stand with him, but you can be respectful while asking. You don't have to sound like you are accusing him. It's always fair for someone to have friends, even other loves, as long as we know the deal. It's not right for him to mislead you, to hide feelings for others, or to lie. Trust is necessary for any relationship to work.

[TaraMarie]

Men and women's CAN be best friends. My best friend is a man. It is STRICTLY platonic. We are JUST best friends... Like two halves of a whole...with NO DESIGNS on each other. Actually, being his friend caused huge issues in my marriage. My SO has met him and has no issues with Darrel and I being best friends. Actually, my SO is out to dinner with his best woman friend as I type this. And I am fine with it. I think your case is WAY different. He wanted to be with her INSTEAD of you. RED FLAGS! It's time you see the forest through the trees. Even if he declared his undying love to you right now, would you think it was because SHE wouldn't have him? Things to think about.....

[differentcountries]

I still think this is no thing to ponder about. Meet her. See if there (still) is chemistry between your so and her, and generally how their relationship works. And how your relationship works. Then decide.

[janetb1968]

I will have to speak to him about her. I have never had problems with him having female friends he could be friends with a bloody giraffe if he wanted to! What my concern is him not telling me how much he feels or felt for her whilst saying he loved me and wanted to be with me at the same time. Differentcountries I would love to meet her but he definitely does not want that to happen. Ive asked him if we can meet or at least connect on Facebook but he has refused so I suppose thats another red flag. I have such a lot to think about and I feel so crap about the whole situation. I really think im going to end up coming back home single but cest la vie :-(.

[Kiyama]

This is really an awful situation I'm usually against snooping but in this case I think it was good to find out something isn't right at all.
There are so many red flags, one already being that she seems to be a higher priority than you because he cancels your visit for her to be able to come visit.
Second he wouldn't tell you about it until afterwards.
And then this:

He actually said he loved her and wanted to be with her her reply was she thought it was best they stayed best friends as too much time had passed but she loved him loads! He replied he was sad now but she was still his best friend and no1 girl!

I'm really sorry but I don't think there is anything that could save your relationship after you read this I understand you want to talk to him but this message is pretty clear so if he doesn't want to admit it, make sure you trust your gut and not your heart because you want to believe what he says.
Remember that you are worth a lot more than being No 2 and being lied to and rejected!

[janetb1968]

Yes I agree unfortunately :-( I am dreading telling him about the phone and feel very upset that im going to hurt him! How stupid am I????? I feel terrible that I snooped as I think this will kill our relationship, never mind what I found in his phone. I don't know why I feel so guilty but I do sadly. What an idiot I am :-( thank u for the advice which I will take on board.

[Hollandia]

I don't do poly or open relationships so I don't tell other men that I want to be with them and push a visit to my SO aside to spend time with them. Neither does my SO, that would be a deal breaker. I agree with Moon, and that he lied by omission. He chose spending time with her over you and he is sharing intimate conversations with her. From her response it seems very much so that he has asked for it to not be platonic anymore but she said she wished to remain friends.

I would not be pondering, I would be confronting him with the knowledge, I think you already know where this is headed and I am sorry, but unless you are okay with some form of non monogamous relationship I think you might be headed for some heartbreak. I would demand he cut ties with her, he needs to have you as his number one girl and no other. This is a breach of trust issue now, so IMO it really is you or her. I look at this as emotional cheating. He knows it too, hence his guilt when you first saw him after he was with her. He wants his cake and too eat it too, and it seems her flavor is more to his liking but since she won't let him taste he is settling for you. Do you really want to be his relationship layover?

[Hollandia]

Yes I agree unfortunately :-( I am dreading telling him about the phone and feel very upset that im going to hurt him! How stupid am I????? I feel terrible that I snooped as I think this will kill our relationship, never mind what I found in his phone. I don't know why I feel so guilty but I do sadly. What an idiot I am :-( thank u for the advice which I will take on board.

He caused this situation, you merely reacted to it. Your spidey senses went off and so you did what you needed to account for this. I doubt you will hurt him as much as you think. He will be giving him ammunition to go back to her with a sob story about. Please remember that he did mislead you and while I don't like the idea of snooping, I think your gut was telling you there was something there and it turns out you are very right. Snooping this time might have prevented you from wasting years of life being second choice to someone and lied to.

[janetb1968]

Thank you for your advice ive just spoken to him on the phone. He is completely oblivious and is perfectly normal with me and saying how much he is looking forward to seeing me. I don't know how I keep calm but I prefer to see him face-to-face and get this sorted out once and for all!

[Hollandia]

Thank you for your advice ive just spoken to him on the phone. He is completely oblivious and is perfectly normal with me and saying how much he is looking forward to seeing me. I don't know how I keep calm but I prefer to see him face-to-face and get this sorted out once and for all!

You told him about the phone messages you saw and he is normal about it? Or you did not bring it up and all is status quo until you see him in person?