30+ SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE WE MET TOO LATE

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Have any of you older ones (I almost feel like we need a sub-group for people over 50 ) met your SO late in life, after both of you were well-established in your lives, and maybe stuck in your comfort zone, or with family obligations? I never expected this, not at my stage of life. I had given up the whole idea of finding love again, so late in life. My last relationship ended in 1992, and nobody since then. Then, 4 years ago, I met this great guy from Australia, online. It took both of us by surprise, how fast we fell, and the intensity. But both of us have family obligations. So if we have a future, it's all up in the air, and we can't make any plans. Sometimes I feel like we met too late, and we missed the boat. To be honest, sometimes I envy the young ones here, who are just starting out in life, have no ties, and are young, strong, and healthy enough that they can just take off, whenever they want, and go see their beloved.

[piratemama]

I know exactly what you mean, even though I'm not over 50 (I'm very close to 50.). I'm experiencing the same thoughts and problems, though. I had always thought if anything happened to my 1st husband, I'd never want another man. I'd just live happily all by myself, doing whatever the heck I pleased. However, my wonderful SO came along, and I fell head over heels in love before I knew what was happening. He has two grown daughters that are having a hard time adjusting to the idea of him moving on (his first wife died), and he will always need to plan around them. We wouldn't move way off, because they want him close by for future grandparenting duties. My daughter is a teen, and I would also want to protect her and help her to reach adulthood. She is happy with my SO, though, and she is looking forward to us moving to his state.

I've often wondered how good it would have been to have met him years ago, but we wouldn't have been the same two people without our life experiences. In fact, we would never have met if we hadn't been married before and life's paths leading us to one another. I've had many painful experiences, but I'd live each one again because they'd lead me to my SO.

He and I are trying now to move forward, but it is not easy with other family members. It's not about just the two of us, though I wish it were. I'd love to run off to some far away island with him, but we can't. It is what it is, so now what?

We had an incident tonight, in fact. I know my presence in his life complicates things with his daughters, but he is so good about it and very reassuring to me. I hate so to see him struggle with it and wish I could make it easier. You know, the long distance makes those kind of issues harder, too. His daughters would be way more accepting, if they had been hanging around me and knew me.

Yes, I know what you mean about feeling like we met too late, but I'm so very thankful I met my SO at all. What if our paths had never crossed? Not a thought that I'll let linger.

[BabyGund]

Absolutely. And I think the age difference between us exacerbates that. He turns 57 in a few months and I turn 41 three weeks after....He has some health issues (diabetes, high cholesterol) that are under control and well managed, but I still worry something will happen to him before we close the distance.

Closing the distance....we still don't have firm plans either. But we have several ideas floating out there. Originally, it was assumed I would move to him, but the child custody issues may make that an issue (my daughter turned 9 today!) only because I didn't realize how difficult it would be to immigrate to Canada, meaning my ex couldn't follow us to stay in his daughter's life. Now my SO thinks he would move here, once he retires but that's still 3-5 years out. I have a direct sales business I can build up over those 3-5 years, so when he does retire, I could retire too and we could be snowbirds. But I also just started a new position with a company that has an office in Toronto (I didn't know that when I took the position) and I could transfer within the company after a year.

So as he said to me the other night, "we enjoy each other when and how we can... we try to be loving and supportive and caring of each other... we keep on.... and we see what happens"

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I know exactly what you mean, even though I'm not over 50 (I'm very close to 50.). I'm experiencing the same thoughts and problems, though. I had always thought if anything happened to my 1st husband, I'd never want another man. I'd just live happily all by myself, doing whatever the heck I pleased. However, my wonderful SO came along, and I fell head over heels in love before I knew what was happening. He has two grown daughters that are having a hard time adjusting to the idea of him moving on (his first wife died), and he will always need to plan around them. We wouldn't move way off, because they want him close by for future grandparenting duties. My daughter is a teen, and I would also want to protect her and help her to reach adulthood. She is happy with my SO, though, and she is looking forward to us moving to his state.

I've often wondered how good it would have been to have met him years ago, but we wouldn't have been the same two people without our life experiences. In fact, we would never have met if we hadn't been married before and life's paths leading us to one another. I've had many painful experiences, but I'd live each one again because they'd lead me to my SO.

He and I are trying now to move forward, but it is not easy with other family members. It's not about just the two of us, though I wish it were. I'd love to run off to some far away island with him, but we can't. It is what it is, so now what?

We had an incident tonight, in fact. I know my presence in his life complicates things with his daughters, but he is so good about it and very reassuring to me. I hate so to see him struggle with it and wish I could make it easier. You know, the long distance makes those kind of issues harder, too. His daughters would be way more accepting, if they had been hanging around me and knew me.

Yes, I know what you mean about feeling like we met too late, but I'm so very thankful I met my SO at all. What if our paths had never crossed? Not a thought that I'll let linger.

We have talked about it, and since I am retired and my kids are all grown up, it just seems logical that I would go there, because he still has children at home, the youngest is a teenager, and he has a full-time job and isn't ready to retire yet. But, he doesn't want me to leave my family, because we are very close-knit, and my kids still need me sometimes. To make it even harder, one of my children has a terminal illness. And I'm not sure I could qualify for a visa, anyway, from what I've read online. It's just not time right now, but the uncertainty of an open-ended LDR drives me crazy sometimes. All I really know is that, despite all the obstacles between us, we love each other and would be together if we could. But with my age, my health problems, etc., I sometimes feel like we just plain met too late. And I get impatient, and sometimes feel insecure about the future. I know those are issues I need to work on. He always just tells me to stop worrying, and enjoy what we have now, and see what happens. Whatever happens happens.

And you are right. I am very thankful we met, thankful for the Internet and Facebook. If not for that, what are the chances that a woman from a small city in Central Arkansas would meet a man from a major metro area in Australia, and fall head over heels? This has turned both our lives upside down, and in my case, upside down and Down Under.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Absolutely. And I think the age difference between us exacerbates that. He turns 57 in a few months and I turn 41 three weeks after....He has some health issues (diabetes, high cholesterol) that are under control and well managed, but I still worry something will happen to him before we close the distance.

Closing the distance....we still don't have firm plans either. But we have several ideas floating out there. Originally, it was assumed I would move to him, but the child custody issues may make that an issue (my daughter turned 9 today!) only because I didn't realize how difficult it would be to immigrate to Canada, meaning my ex couldn't follow us to stay in his daughter's life. Now my SO thinks he would move here, once he retires but that's still 3-5 years out. I have a direct sales business I can build up over those 3-5 years, so when he does retire, I could retire too and we could be snowbirds. But I also just started a new position with a company that has an office in Toronto (I didn't know that when I took the position) and I could transfer within the company after a year.

So as he said to me the other night, "we enjoy each other when and how we can... we try to be loving and supportive and caring of each other... we keep on.... and we see what happens"

Yes, we have the age difference, too. He is 12 years younger than I am. We support each other, stay in touch as much as we can, which lately hasn't been much because of recent changes in his job, and working long hours, and the connection and love is very strong between us, despite the obstacles. He always says we don't know the future, and I should just stop worrying about it, and stay in the Now with him and enjoy what we have now, because what we have is worth keeping...we'll see what happens. Whatever happens happens.

[blankita719]

I don't think that's necessarily isolated to people over 50. I'm 35 and have family and career obligations too. We haven't finalized any plans to close the distance and in June, it will have been 4 years of going back and forth. We actually did meet when I was younger and had no obligations, but since he had a young son and I was only 18, he thought asking me to give up my future to become part of an instant family was too much. I have regrets that I didn't move then, when it would have been hard but not feel like impossible to do. Now I have a 10 year old, and a career and my family that I've always been close with. Thankfully I don't have custody issues since my ex has no part in our lives at all, but I do worry that if he found out I was thinking about leaving that he would start something.

I just keep saying to my self, where there is a will, there is a way. It may take longer than I wanted it too, but I believe this man is going to be in my life for the rest of it so I know we'll figure it out. Even if it kills us

[Ahava]

I'm only 33 (34 in March) and have the same "issues".
I sometimes find myself wishing that we had met when we were younger, but then again like Piratemama said, we wouldn't have had the same life experiences and wouldn't be the people we are now. We might not even fallen for each other back then (?).
It is hard knowing we have atleast ten years of LD ahead of us, unless he moves here earlier (his son is 12). But that doesn't sound like a good plan as he doesn't speak the language and wouldn't be able to find work. I have two children, my youngest just turned 6.
Also things like we will probably not be able to have children together because by the time we could close the distance I will be in my mid fourties and he will be 50.

But none the less I am glad we met when we did and I wouldn't change a day. If we only had more money to see each other more often!
Winning the lottery and a lear jet would fix our problems

[piratemama]

I'm only 33 (34 in March) and have the same "issues".
I sometimes find myself wishing that we had met when we were younger, but then again like Piratemama said, we wouldn't have had the same life experiences and wouldn't be the people we are now. We might not even fallen for each other back then (?).
It is hard knowing we have atleast ten years of LD ahead of us, unless he moves here earlier (his son is 12). But that doesn't sound like a good plan as he doesn't speak the language and wouldn't be able to find work. I have two children, my youngest just turned 6.
Also things like we will probably not be able to have children together because by the time we could close the distance I will be in my mid fourties and he will be 50.

But none the less I am glad we met when we did and I wouldn't change a day. If we only had more money to see each other more often!
Winning the lottery and a lear jet would fix our problems

I am sorry you are looking at 10 years! That sounds so long. I hope things change to cut that time down for you both.

I had to smile at your last line about the lottery and lear jet. My SO and I are always joking about a jet. When his weather is bad, mine is good and vice versa, so we'll say, "sent the jet for me." I guess I can't win the lottery, if I don't play it. There's a joke out there about the lottery: A man keeps praying and praying to win the lottery. God replies that He would answer his prayer and help him with the lottery, but the guy has to meet Him halfway - the guy has to at least buy a lottery ticket!

[TaraMarie]

We have this conversation all the time. I don't wish I had met him younger....we wouldn't have liked each other then,
but I wish we had an extra 20 years together.

[Ahava]

I am sorry you are looking at 10 years! That sounds so long. I hope things change to cut that time down for you both.

I had to smile at your last line about the lottery and lear jet. My SO and I are always joking about a jet. When his weather is bad, mine is good and vice versa, so we'll say, "sent the jet for me." I guess I can't win the lottery, if I don't play it. There's a joke out there about the lottery: A man keeps praying and praying to win the lottery. God replies that He would answer his prayer and help him with the lottery, but the guy has to meet Him halfway - the guy has to at least buy a lottery ticket!

Thanks Piratemama
I hardly ever do the lottery either (maybe twice a year), but my SO does so I am counting on that

[PGVRCV]

Without sounding like a repeat of what has been said previously...I wholeheartedly understand with what you're feeling and am experiencing the same thing and I'm 35. It's been so hard watching all of my friends on Facebook post fabulous updates on their weddings and babies and life experiences and all I have is my job (which I love and was born to do, but it would be nice to share the journey with someone). I've felt like life passed me by years ago. Now there is a distance between us and years to make up for...so hard! We've talked about closing the distance no later than this summer, which is good, but in the meanwhile, all those times when you want to be able to see him after a long day or just be able to do regular couple things creep up on you and make it that much harder.

Love and life works in mysterious ways and I've stopped trying to explain it...I'm just going to with it, surrender if you will. Would I liked to have found him ten years ago? Of course! Shoot, five years even sounds better, but this was our time and we have some catching up to do

[differentcountries]

I am 34. I have had to postphone children due to illness. .. But I think it is not to late yet. My boyfriend is seven years my junior. If we had met sooner he would have been too young and inexperienced. And there is no way I would be ready to fly back and forth to Turkey! He sometimes wishes to have met me sooner, though, as so to spend more time together sooner. And then he would want to marry me. On the other hand he likes my husband.

[Benni]

Sometimes I do wish we'd met earlier in life, but then again I wouldn't be who I am today and he wouldn't have been ready for another committed relationship then. So, I'm glad things happened the way they did. Both of us grown out of/rid of old baggage and ready for a new life together.

April can't get here fast enough!!!

[DCT]

This has been a very good thread to follow. I'm 46 and my SO is 37. I spent nearly my entire marriage of nearly 15 years with a man I really didn't love like a wife should. He was my best friend and I thought that was enough. Well 6 years after my divorce I have met the real love of my life and I am so glad it is happening now! I don't think I would have been open to it or respected it at all when I was younger based on my previous relationship experience. Now I feel so happy, excited and really young at heart again as I fall in love with my SO.

[xanzbarr]

we did meet years ago and he says now he was a fool to let me go then, but were doin it now!