30+ How broke would you go?

[Hollandia]

Me and my BF are both in that over 35 category. We have decided that having kids is number one important in our books. We know that marriage is important and will happen and closing the distance is needed but we both more than anything want to have a baby together.

Here is the quandry.

When you get to a certain age and you know odds are going against your favor and you are in an LDR how much money are you willing to spend to keep trying? We are not unlike those couples that spend tens of thousands of dollars on IVR right? In our case it just means spending money to travel in and out of Schengen to be able to "work" on it. The problem is, neither of us are rich.

We have the ability to spend it to do so, but it is putting us way out on a financial limb, but if we wait till it won't, then babies might not be possible. I have cried many many tears over this. At first I wanted to do it, but he did not. Then I was ready to cancel it, but he wanted it. We took a few weeks and decided that it is more worth it to spend the money and try than to separate and give up another 3 months of trying.

If you are over 35 and working on a baby do you accept trying half the time or spend whatever it takes to raise the odds and get your child you both yearn for?

So, here is where we are today. We leaven NL on Saturday for Croatia. We have an apartment there for 5 weeks. When that comes if money is still available we will fly to UK and stay there for as long as money allows. If possible I will stay there and he will return but visit on weekends when possible till I came come back to Schengen in July. Pretty hefty pricetag even after my crazy scouring all said and done.

Am I nuts? Or is it worth it to have the chance to make our babies?

Okay, so let loose all, I know I might be skinned alive here but tbh, this has been driving me crazy lately. Do I sit in Delaware to save money and risk not having kids or put it all out there to get what we desire most in the world?

[dglynn77]

So you are needing the IVR, or you are comparing LD expenses to IVR expenses? (sorry not trying to be nosy, just confused! )
If it's the LD expenses, random question: Are you tracking your monthly cycles to make sure you are "baby-making" when you are actually fertile? Because you can only get pregnant about one week out of the month, so if you are trying at the wrong times it is more of a waste of money as there is no chance of pregnancy during those times. I know this sounds super simple and basic, but too many people don't know this, so I figured it was worth asking

[Hollandia]

No problem. Sorry if I was confusing. For us, it is a matter of leaving for 3 months again or not. So, do you leave now or and have him come back early or stay now and stay away longer. The whole date calendar thing won't work for us. Since my stress level has been so high my monthly friend hit a few times she was not supposed to. once way too early and once way too late. My clock has been all over the place.

We are not looking at real IVR yet, we are just trying to be able to be able to stay together long enough to get a few good rounds in so to speak. Since odds are already against us we both are at the point where we are but it is so damn expensive to do and this time more so than ever because we need to keep him close to EU to continue to look for a better job to close the distance. Our options close to EU but not Schengen this time are Croatia and then Uk but again they are pushing our budgets and tbh, I don't even know what my business will be able to pay me next month or where we will end up.

Yet, we still decided to do it. Push the financial envelope and go for the gusto because if we wait for 5 years, it could be too late for the baby. IVR might be an option in a few years if money becomes more available but I believe the older I get the worse the odds will get.

How far in debt would you go to have a baby with your loved one if you had a timeclock over your head? That is the question that drives me crazy.

[TaraMarie]

I say do it now! And dont lose hope. I had my first baby at 25. I tried for years to have a second and was told by the drs that i had secondary infertility and couldnt have anymore. Fast foward two years...my second daughter was born when i was 35. Two years later......along came nicholas 2 weeks before my 38th birthday! Good luck!

[Hollandia]

I say do it now! And dont lose hope. I had my first baby at 25. I tried for years to have a second and was told by the drs that i had secondary infertility and couldnt have anymore. Fast foward two years...my second daughter was born when i was 35. Two years later......along came nicholas 2 weeks before my 38th birthday! Good luck!

Thank you so much.

Really we just ache for one. We want a baby together so bad it hurts. We tried to be uber responsible for a few years but now even his parents are telling us to book the trips and do whatever is needed to make the babies. That part, btw, is very mutual, we both want a baby naturally from each other more than almost anything except being together. What I mean is we accepted that it is not guaranteed and choose each other regardless but that baby is very much the next most important thing.

A great big house would be nice, but the baby is so much more time sensitive, but yet I still feel so bad spending this money to work on babies. What is wrong with my brain? My SO is now pretty excited and happy about it and I am again just sitting here worrying I should not have spent our money this way.

[piratemama]

Why would you want to save money and not have the children you really want to spend it on? If you want something bad enough to cry over and ache for, then you need to try with all your might for it. If you don't, you will regret that all your life. However, you mention your SO is happy and excited and you are worrying over the money. Do you think your worry is about things other than money, but it's coming out as focused on money? You say a baby is the most important thing, so you must feel that a child can't have a price tag. A child is priceless, so I can't help but wonder if something is bothering you about all this, deeper down, other than money.

Write down the pros and cons of your possibilities and see them in black and white. If this, then that. Also, try a solo brainstorming session during a quiet, peaceful time. I do this often when making decisions. Get a peace of paper, clear your mind, and breathe deeply. Close your eyes if needed to stay clear. As something pops into your mind, don't think about it - write it down. Keep it to phrases only. Do this until you seem to have run out of info to record. After you finish, then go back and analyze what you wrote. Do you see a theme? Is there a pattern? You'll be surprised how often this actually helps me to think out a solution. It allows me to face those issues I try to keep pushed in the back of my mind.

Good luck.

[OperaDiva]

OK, I hope you don't mind me playing the devil's advocate here a little, and I hope it won't sound too harsh. I don't have kids, but I know that they cost money. Would you really go broke enough that you won't be able to provide for them or spend the pregnancy together? I do think there is a limit there.
Another thought I had was - I read everywhere that when people try really hard (ie obsess, check temperatures, track cycles, etc) then babies are sometimes not conceived, but when you relax then it is more likely to happen. I know that sometimes couples conceive on a holiday, but yours doesn't look like a holiday to me, more like extended backpacking with even more uncertainty at the end. I can imagine your stress levels will be pretty high and that might be a problem.
This last one I considered not writing, because it sounds harsh ... but have you considered that it might not work? You might be completely healthy (have you both checked with fertility doc btw?) you might spend all your money for months trying, and still it might not work. Have you thought about how that would impact you and your relationship? You mentioned that what you want most is to be together, so I would suggest that you think of that as your ultimate goal - having a family with the man you love. In my opinion, having a baby is a wonderful thing, priceless like priatemama said, but please don't hurt your family trying to get one!

[Hollandia]

Yes, this is while I usually go to USA and he stays in NL, but the clock is running out of time. I know it might not work, but it most likely won't work being apart for half the time. I am also not spending the IVR type of money just the travel to Croatia and UK before going back to NL to stay together for as long as we can. He is going to also look for a better job in UK when there and he can jump back and forth from UK and NL on weekends much easier when possible. It has already been a few years of doing the 90 day in and 90 day out and trying for the baby so far has been difficult.

I have been quite comfortable in money at some points in my life and I have struggled at others. I am happier now with than I was ever before and it has nothing to do with money but with being with the person that makes me happy. We want a baby more than anything together and this time after going back and forth about it we decided to go for it. We do have a plan B where if needed I will use my BA miles and book a trip back to Delaware from where ever and he would go back to NL.

fingers crossed because the apartment in Split is booked and paid for, 450 euros a month, and the flights as well. We are packing and cleaning today and we leave tomorrow.

[differentcountries]

I would spend any money I had! Once you close the distance / conceive, that will free money to use for the baby. I want children, too, I have recently been sick so right now I want a career a bit more plus our relationship is fairly new, so for us it will not be this year. Good luck to you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Have you thought about processes like freezing your eggs? I have absolutely no deeper knowledge of it, or if it would be right for your situation, but I've heard of women doing that if they were uncertain about being able to get pregnant as they were getting past the so-called "prime" baby-making years.
Perhaps that's something to research on the side as well?

For some other logistics and things though.. will 'going broke' to keep being together to try put a big financial strain on you *after* you conceive? Say you get pregnant on one of these going-broke trips.. what happens as far as paying co-pays (assuming you have insurance?) for doctor visits, what happens with missed time from work if you have morning sickness, etc?

Also, have you and your SO discussed all the other pieces, the emotional stuff? Do you have a good support network to rely on during the ups and downs of pregnancy, with him not around? (Of course he can offer support from a distance, and there will be visits, but from what I understand going through a pregnancy "by yourself" is very very challenging.)
Is he going to be able to keep making "going broke" trips to be with you during the pregnancy? What happens when it's closer to delivery time, which is pretty unpredictable? Will he just not be there for the birth of your child? Is he okay with the thought of missing that?

I totally get you on wanting to have kids, but I'm wondering about all the challenges that would come from being apart during the actual pregnancy and birth.

Are there plans to close the distance that are definite, so your partner wouldn't be missing out on those first (months? years?) of the baby's life? What are you going to do about work after the baby is born? Will you immediately put the child in newborn daycare once maternity leave ends and go back to work? Can you guys afford the high cost of childcare and still be able to make trips? How are your finances, in case something happens where, say, your SO loses his job, or otherwise can't contribute? How are his, if you have to miss work for things with the baby, and lose pay? Will he be able to help make that difference up?

etc. etc.

I'm sure you've thought about a lot of things, just throwing in some stuff that came to mind immediately for me. Personally, I wouldn't want to have kids with my partner being so far away, especially without a closing the distance plan solidly in place. But, as you rightly mention, that's a risk that needs to be weighed against maybe not having kids, and that's something only the two of you can figure out. I'd check into the freezing eggs thing.
Or, also, could adoption be something you'd consider?

[silvermoonfairy3]

Just read the message where you said you're going for it, should have finished the whole thread first.
Good luck!

[TaraMarie]

You can. AlWays make more money. Your window of opportunity is going to close soon. Try for the baby!

[lucybelle]

Obviously it's a personal decision, and it seems you already have your mind made up. But I wanted to jump in real quick anyways.

Having kids is ridiculously expensive and I think it's irresponsible to have them intentionally when you're broke. I don't think it means you are or will be bad parents, but it's going to be hard. My parents were not well off when they had the three of us and my mom always tells me about how hard it was. I've heard there's never a "good time" to have kids. That you'll never have "enough money". But being broke and having kids? That just seems like you're putting yourselves in a really tough situation. It doesn't mean your kid will be affected, you could still be great parents even if you're poor. But it will be hard for you. I suppose if that's something you're ready to take on, no one can stop you.

[TaraMarie]

I see lucybelles POV, but disagree. I've heard SO MANY people say how expensive it is to raise children. Not only do I have three children but I also have exchange students. I love having children in my home. I think somehow you just find the money and it all works out. As a child there were six of us. My mom didn't work and my dad was a police officer...at the time, he didn't make a lot of money. We didn't have everything, but if you ask my siblings we will all say that we don't feel like we missed out on anything, and we were as happy as our friends who were spoiled and got everything they wanted. If you were 5 or ten years younger I might have a different opinion. But at your age...and there is nothing WRING with your age....you don't want to put it off. My SO told me yesterday he would like to have a baby with me. He's ten years younger and never expressed interest before......and now I am too old...unfortunately, Don't wait. You will regret it if you don't try.

[OperaDiva]

ETA: You know what, my personal worries don't really matter in this case.

All that I want to say is, good luck, Hollandia and SO! Crossing fingers here