30+ All his actions say he loves me,but........

[xanzbarr]

Ok, I've had very few problems with my LDR but we had a conversation last night that leaves me uneasy. We've always been able to talk to each other about anything and last night was no exception, but when he was much younger he fell in love with this older woman and they had a serious relationship, but she got cancer and died. He told me this affected him for a long time and he was afraid to fall in love with anyone else at the time. I asked him if this would affect his feelings for me and he said no, not now, at one time it might have.....

My problem with this whole thing is he has never told me "I love you". He acts like it, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, hes doing everything in his power to get to me, but those three little words have never left his lips. Hes 57 years old , has never been married and wants to marry me someday. However, I feel like Im competing with a dead woman for his true heart. I dont want to be anyone's second best. Maybe hes waiting til hes here in person to say it? or maybe hell never be able to say it....I don't know and don't know quite what to say to him.

Any ideas on this?

[piratemama]

I'm so sorry. I get exactly what you are saying. My SO didn't want to tell me that he loved me until we met in person, but he did eventually give in. Some people don't say those words, but it doesn't mean they don't feel it. You are right that his actions speak loudly. I would try to feel him out about it. I remember I kind of hinted around about it to my SO, so he would know that I needed to hear it.

I also get that you feel like you are competing with her, but don't. You are the one he is with now. My SO's first wife has passed away, too, and I often wonder how much he compares me. He says he can't help but compare, but not in a bad way. I worry more about other women living. Don't worry about any other woman, because no one else is as special to your SO as you are. This is a subject you can definitely talk with him about. Don't make it an issue or an argument, but simply let him know how you feel. If he sees that you feel this way, maybe he can reassure you. He can't help, if he doesn't know.

Be secure with yourself, as you are a treasure. Some men don't know how to verbally express their emotions, but yours seems to be showing you in how he treats you.

I think those of us that are a bit older than most on this forum have lots more baggage to carry with us. That baggage can bring us down and destroy our relationships with our insecurities and doubts, or we can let it make us stronger. We can learn from those experiences, so we can love our SOs more.

[xanzbarr]

I did bring it up in the past, because I tell him I love him, which i do. I asked him since I never hear him tell me he loves me, did it bother him that I told him. He said it didnt bother him at all. I told him I didnt want to tell him what to say, but it did leave me wondering what he felt for me. I dont remember his exact words now but it was something like someday he might be ready to say it but not right now. And then he told me i was free to talk to him about anything and he wasnt upset with me asking anything. So I cant hardly bring it up again.So I love him and here I am, you know? I feel like Im pulling teeth....

[Ahava]

I did bring it up in the past, because I tell him I love him, which i do. I asked him since I never hear him tell me he loves me, did it bother him that I told him. He said it didnt bother him at all. I told him I didnt want to tell him what to say, but it did leave me wondering what he felt for me. I dont remember his exact words now but it was something like someday he might be ready to say it but not right now. And then he told me i was free to talk to him about anything and he wasnt upset with me asking anything. So I cant hardly bring it up again.So I love him and here I am, you know? I feel like Im pulling teeth....

This sounds so much like my SO and I. He has never said it but isn't bothered that I do. His actions do tell me that he does. And he has also said that he might say it one day. Resently we have gotten as close to him saying he "has love for me". I guess it is good enough for now
I think when the day comes and I'll hear him say it, it will mean so much more than had he said it right away!

I think you should be happy about him wanting to marry you one day, as that brings up another issue in our relationship, which (if I let it) could break us. He doesn't believe in marriage. Maybe he might change his mind one day, or maybe I might settle for compromise on that one.

[OperaDiva]

It is one of the trickiest things about relationships, isn't it. I think you need to ask yourself, did you say "I love you" because you do or because you wanted to hear it back? If you do love him, and you said it, and he treats you with care and respect, if you have a committed relationship in which you trust each other, then you should be happy because you found a very special person. Look at it this way, if he said ILY all the time, but did everything else wrong - disrespect, emotional unavailability, cheating, etc. - would those 3 words make everything OK?
I agree with Ahava and piratemama that some people just take time to feel comfortable enough to say it, especially if they have baggage. It has nothing to do with you. Of course, you can decide that not hearing those words is a dealbreaker for you, but I think you are just feeling insecure because you made yourself vulnerable. And it is OK to be vulnerable in a relationship, if you can trust the other person

[differentcountries]

If he cares about you, and you are patient, time may reward you. You may talk about it, still.

[piratemama]

It is one of the trickiest things about relationships, isn't it. I think you need to ask yourself, did you say "I love you" because you do or because you wanted to hear it back? If you do love him, and you said it, and he treats you with care and respect, if you have a committed relationship in which you trust each other, then you should be happy because you found a very special person. Look at it this way, if he said ILY all the time, but did everything else wrong - disrespect, emotional unavailability, cheating, etc. - would those 3 words make everything OK?
I agree with Ahava and piratemama that some people just take time to feel comfortable enough to say it, especially if they have baggage. It has nothing to do with you. Of course, you can decide that not hearing those words is a dealbreaker for you, but I think you are just feeling insecure because you made yourself vulnerable. And it is OK to be vulnerable in a relationship, if you can trust the other person

Great points here.

I also wanted to add to my previous thoughts that there is a positive to it. When your SO says he loves you, you will know he truly means it. It will mean even more. For now, look at each action as his way of showing his love. I hope it helps. I agree with OperaDiva, that it has nothing to do with you.

[Benni]

The first year that B and I were in our relationship, he said it from the beginning BUT it was "love-you-bye" whenever he was hanging up -- like it was one word. I thought it was sweet.
Well, during a Skype session, his daughter called on the phone and they talked a bit. Before hanging up, he said "love-you-bye" to her! I realized, then, that it was an endearment that he used for those he really loved/cared about.
Into the second year, he finally said (in a serious tone) "I love you, you know". And it felt sooooo good to hear that!

You're time's coming, be patient!

[xanzbarr]

I want to thank all of you for your caring answers to my post. It helped a lot! I'm feeling lots better now and I know my sweety will open up sooner or later, now. It was good to know I wasn't the only one with this issue and Ill calm down now and wait for his right time to tell me!