30+ Now What???

[dray5mil]

Hi! my first post and i'm looking for honest opinions.

I met her online over a year ago. We had both just split from a marriage. I drove to see her a few times and things were pretty serious for about 5 months then became stressful. She ended the relationship saying she wasn't ready to be with someone she needed some time alone. We still communicated often as friends but you could tell the emotions were still there. Distance was an issue for her. She recently caught me off guard saying she was ready and wanted me to move there to be with her. Now a week later she is coming up with little reasons why it might not work. She says I have all the qualities that she is looking for and I feel the same about her. What would be a good approach to get her past the doubts and fears?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hi! my first post and i'm looking for honest opinions.

I met her online over a year ago. We had both just split from a marriage. I drove to see her a few times and things were pretty serious for about 5 months then became stressful. She ended the relationship saying she wasn't ready to be with someone she needed some time alone. We still communicated often as friends but you could tell the emotions were still there. Distance was an issue for her. She recently caught me off guard saying she was ready and wanted me to move there to be with her. Now a week later she is coming up with little reasons why it might not work. She says I have all the qualities that she is looking for and I feel the same about her. What would be a good approach to get her past the doubts and fears?

You've come to the right place! We are a good group of people from all walks of life, and all over the world, with similar situations, and the common interest of love in a Long Distance Relationship. We are all willing to support you as we can, and share our insights and experiences with you.

It sounds like she is having cold feet, which is understandable. It takes time to get over divorce, and move on.
First, talk to her, and try to find out what she is feeling and why she is having doubts and fears about this. Second, have a practice run of being CD. Is there any way you could move there, to your own place in town, without pressure to move in together? That way she would still have her own place if she needed space, but you could start actually dating her for a while, and get her used to being with you more. Then let things happen as they will. And when you both are ready, you will already have a place for her....and will be able to help her move in with you.

You didn't mention if she has children or not. If so, that might be an issue too.

[differentcountries]

Hi, it seems a far stretch from getting back together to moving to her. Moving is a big step that can bring out all sorts of fears as well as practical concerns. Tell her you care about her and so welcome any concerns she might have. How can you live closer without setting off her fears? Then work together to find the solution to that. Perhaps you can suggest something, saying it is good for all parties to take it in baby steps.

[Moon]

Have you considered the possibility that you two jumped into this relationship too soon? A marriage, no matter how awful it may have been, takes some time to get over and heal from, jumping into another relationship really isn't advisable right away. Perhaps that's where her fear is coming from, she probably just isn't ready for such a commitment quite yet. I think you should maybe step back a little, and take the relationship more slowly. Let it build naturally from a strong base of friendship, giving you both time to recover from all you've been through. Don't worry about moving there right now, keeping the distance awhile longer won't kill you, you have to make sure you're both ready for that step. Even if you both think you're perfect for each other, what's a few more months to make sure? Good luck.

[dray5mil]

You've come to the right place! We are a good group of people from all walks of life, and all over the world, with similar situations, and the common interest of love in a Long Distance Relationship. We are all willing to support you as we can, and share our insights and experiences with you.

It sounds like she is having cold feet, which is understandable. It takes time to get over divorce, and move on.
First, talk to her, and try to find out what she is feeling and why she is having doubts and fears about this. Second, have a practice run of being CD. Is there any way you could move there, to your own place in town, without pressure to move in together? That way she would still have her own place if she needed space, but you could start actually dating her for a while, and get her used to being with you more. Then let things happen as they will. And when you both are ready, you will already have a place for her....and will be able to help her move in with you.

You didn't mention if she has children or not. If so, that might be an issue too.

We both have boys and they get along great.

[dray5mil]

Have you considered the possibility that you two jumped into this relationship too soon? A marriage, no matter how awful it may have been, takes some time to get over and heal from, jumping into another relationship really isn't advisable right away. Perhaps that's where her fear is coming from, she probably just isn't ready for such a commitment quite yet. I think you should maybe step back a little, and take the relationship more slowly. Let it build naturally from a strong base of friendship, giving you both time to recover from all you've been through. Don't worry about moving there right now, keeping the distance awhile longer won't kill you, you have to make sure you're both ready for that step. Even if you both think you're perfect for each other, what's a few more months to make sure? Good luck.

I feel like we went through that phase already. It's been 7 months since the relationship ended. This was her idea and i'm all for it. I think stepping back some and not seeming so eager and try to talk over all the issues over the next month or 2 might be the way to go.

[xanzbarr]

Hi welcome to this site! From my own relationship and those I read about on here, most couples go through some time where they are both anxious and waiting to close the distance as soon as they can. You guys dont seem to be at that point yet. i think your idea of staying where your at and taking things a bit slower is the right answer. When you both get to the point where you cannot stand being apart , you'll know it and then might be a better time to discuss closing the distance. At that time you may even wish to maintain your own place of residence and date for a while too. You'll know what is right as time goes on. Maybe set up some visits and see how that goes. Best wishes on your relationship!

[JoeyBug]

Hi and to LFAD!

I agree with Moon and xanbarr who suggested that you take a step back. I know that there are times when you're desperate to be with each other and it seems like taking a leap of faith is the next best step, but sometimes you do have to let things slow down a little and give you both room to breathe. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out for you!

Joey