30+ How to deal with the pain of departure?

[thenewplaid]

What my SO and I have is magical. When we spend time together, everything is right in the world. We needs tips, though, as to how we deal with leaving. We see each other every weekend or every other weekend, depending on what we can accommodate with custody, etc.

I'm sure, to many of you, seeing your SO as frequently as we do would be a luxury. I'm certainly not complaining. We desperately want to be a part of each others' day-to-day lives, though. Skype is great, but it's not the same as hearing her in another room while I'm cooking, or getting an unexpected bear hug. We'd like to close the gap as soon as possible. It will happen, but it's complicated by kids on both ends.

As she describes it, when we part is like I've left the relationship. Of course, I make every effort to make her feel special at every opportunity, and we generally talk for a couple of hours each day. Still, you can't argue with feelings. For her to feel like I've left the relationship whenever we part is awful.

We've both had our share of past experiences; we've both had families with other people. We're both quite certain that this is it; we've come home. How do we manage the pain of the basic changes that occur when we're apart? Ideas like being busy with other things are great; I guess I'm looking for ideas of how we can approach each other; how we can reassure each other; how can we feel like we really are in each others' day to day lives? It's less a problem for me. While I miss her terribly, I get along okay; I know we'll be in the same town one day. I want her to feel safe and happy.

Thanks.

[Moon]

Well, I can't say I really have much sympathy for your situation (even though I live minutes from Collegeville ), I will tell you that there has been about 3579754235 threads regarding this same subject, already full of a ton of useful info. If you do a search at the top right for things like cope, departure, separation, etc. you'll find more answers than you'll know what to do with. Good luck, departing is the worst.

[thenewplaid]

Agreed, there are a number of threads, but they're unhelpful. It's tough, as well, when the one you love has been a victim of abuse and trauma. But yeah, I've mostly seen answers of "keep busy and deal" ... I'm more looking for ideas that explore the complexity of feelings that come with departure.

[TawniCB]

Hi there! Yes, the week or two after separating is so hard. I didnt know about this phenomenon until I read blogs like this! Its like when someone you love passes away..with time its not so painful, you still miss them it just isn't consuming your every moment with longing/yearning, ect. In this case right after you leave you hang on to that pleasure of doing the daily things together, you want more, you don't want it to end. But with a little time you realize everything is O.K., you are still very connected, no one is going anywhere...you stop moping and being sad and get back to loving each other the best you can. My boyfriend, like you, handles it a little better. So sometimes I feel like he doesnt love me as deeply or need me as much, ect. So, we talk about it and he reminds me that it is very hard for him too. He reminds me he wishes he had me with him when he goes to his friends house (who are couples) for dinner, or entertaining. He reminds me he wishes he could come home after work to me and we make dinner together. That he lays in bed at night and holds the pillow like its me, wishing.. When he reminds me that he yearns for all that too but does his best to remain positive (not depressed and sad) he actually helps me be a stronger person. As long as I know he is missing me just as much I'm good. It's not like I want him to be all sad, ect. I just tend to get messed up when I think he is just fine and dandy with the way it is. Point: on a pretty regular basis let her know you have a hard time too, you just are better at being the rock. :0

[RedWhirlwind]

What my SO and I have is magical. When we spend time together, everything is right in the world. We needs tips, though, as to how we deal with leaving. We see each other every weekend or every other weekend, depending on what we can accommodate with custody, etc.

I'm sure, to many of you, seeing your SO as frequently as we do would be a luxury. I'm certainly not complaining. We desperately want to be a part of each others' day-to-day lives, though. Skype is great, but it's not the same as hearing her in another room while I'm cooking, or getting an unexpected bear hug. We'd like to close the gap as soon as possible. It will happen, but it's complicated by kids on both ends.

As she describes it, when we part is like I've left the relationship. Of course, I make every effort to make her feel special at every opportunity, and we generally talk for a couple of hours each day. Still, you can't argue with feelings. For her to feel like I've left the relationship whenever we part is awful.

We've both had our share of past experiences; we've both had families with other people. We're both quite certain that this is it; we've come home. How do we manage the pain of the basic changes that occur when we're apart? Ideas like being busy with other things are great; I guess I'm looking for ideas of how we can approach each other; how we can reassure each other; how can we feel like we really are in each others' day to day lives? It's less a problem for me. While I miss her terribly, I get along okay; I know we'll be in the same town one day. I want her to feel safe and happy.

Thanks.

The best advice I can give you is to communicate to her how much you miss her every day. You need to be able to talk about your feelings for her with her. That single habit between my fiance and myself is probably the biggest reason that we have made it to where we are. We always talk about how much we love each other, miss each other and what we mean to each other, the ways we help each other. Sometimes it's uncomfortable to be so open, but we always know where we stand with each other and that is why we trust each other so much.

I also want to mention that you should keep it in mind that not everyone is cut out for an LDR. Someone who isn't emotionally resilient enough or is clingy/needy isn't the best partner in an LDR. I'm not saying to break up with her, but if you do everything you can to reassure her of your feelings and she can't get past the distance for a few days a week, that's not healthy and it isn't anything to be ashamed of to admit when something isn't working and let it go so you can both find what you really need. Food for thought.

Good luck!

[differentcountries]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think the fact that you see each other so often may add to your stress because it is hard to find a workable rythm. I go three weeks between seeing my SO now (I come and stay for one week each month), and the first week is a bit weird, the second week feels normal, and the third week I am mentally and practically preparing to go (packing my suitcase, bying stuff to bring etc.). The month has got a rythm now, and it starts to feel familiar. If you can somehow get a similar rythm (although faster moving, since you see each other more often), that would be helpful to you.

I understand that her suffering from different traumas increases your pain at departure. I don't know what your SO is going through, but mine has had a lof of grief due to deaths in his family, recently his sister who passed away a little over a year ago, which makes him sensitive to departure and loss. He usually grieves my departure for a couple of days, (the first he will usually not talk to me) which is fine. But if your SO see you every week, you together need to find a way to speed up the grieving process, otherwise you leaving or coming is her whole week.

The reason people here don't adress the "complexity" of emotions on departure, is that pretty much everybody is aware of that mixture of sadness, anger, resentment, confution, despair and abandoment that comes with departure. The first time I left my SO (my second stay, but the first visit to see him specificly), I remembered how it was like to move from Northern to Southern Norway when I was 9 years old. It was a sense of beeing spellbound to never again get what you want. I knew then for a fact that no matter what my partents said, they would never let me travel to visit my friends in years, and then it would be too late (this was before common internet and mobile phones). I got that same feeling because I did not know how and when, between work and money, I could mange to visit SO again. It was that feeling of slowly getting my heart ripped out by the roots.... By all means, discuss with her the complexity of emotions. But do get to work with it, because unless you are prepared to do katharsis and possably a small breakdown (that can be useful at times), you will rather go for the cure.

My sense is, that what bothers your SO the most, is abandonment. If you focus on that, on using internet and phone to reassure her, or support her in ways she can take care of herself, by using her friends, therapist and so on, and getting on well with her kids.

You can't argue with feelings, you say. In a way you are right, because feelings are very real part of our lives and influence us greatly. But in another way you are wrong. Because we influence our feelings by our thoughts and actions all the time. We go to the gym even though we feel tired. We go to work even though we feel unmotivated. We might even go to a party even though we feel tired and lazy, to find it was fun and enjoyable. We may dislike another person just by looking at her, but the feelings may change when we talk to her and get to know her more. We may feel happy, but another person comes along and say something, argue with our feelings if you will, and then we feel awful. We may feel sad, but then a tune comes on on the radio that changes our mood. We might be in mourning, but suddenly fall in love. We may talk ourselves up, or talk ourselves down. The inner radio is always on - the noisy "monkey" as buddhists call it. We can change our feelings, or our dealings with our feelings, which is kind of the same thing.

Everybody has the sense of "Oh now he/she/I left the relationship". It used to be stronger the longer I had to go between visits, in a way it has slowed down. But, as SO told me a couple of days ago, actually the whole process of building a sort of every-day-life with me (as you seem to be doing with your SO) makes him miss me equally much, if not more. I think there is a sense of standing on a latter and ALMOST grabbing what you want the most which is more urgent in relationships where you see each other often, but less then you want.

The thing is, she IS lucky. I know of parents who live in the same town who still see each other every other week, in fact one of my husband's best friends has a child with her new partner and she and the child live with him and his other children every other week. It has something to do with his breakup being recent and his children not being ready for her to live there fulltime - not to mention her other children. It is not neccesarily easy CD, either.

The abuse and trauma, I hope she gets some help for it. I hear there are some good online help available these days, which could be good if she has a hard time getting baby sitters for her children to do stuff to take care of herself.

I feel that I am in my SO's life, and him in mine, because we are in contact every single day. We talk about our days, sometimes it can be boring but also very useful. I learn so much about his work, his family, his daily life. I tell him what I do. Today he called with a sweet laugh, saying "Everybody in your life is sick exept you", because yesterday my brother hurt his leg at work and my husband strained his neck (leading to that I was not available to Skype). I know he enjoys living in our flat, alone. He talks to me and sometimes he talks to my husband. We are on text, phone, Viber, Skype and Facebook. We send each other pictures of our day. We talk and smile on Skype. Sometimes just hearing his voice in my ear is great. Sometimes him drawing a cute heart on Viber works to lift my mood. Sometimes him being understanding when I am too tired to Skype makes me feel he cares. Sometimes he is down and I feel involved because I will know why. It is pretty much the same as being in each other's life physically.

[snow_girl]

I get to see my SO about every weekend as well. When he leaves I say "See ya next week!" and it sucks but I hardly consider having to wait 5 days till next weekend is pain worthy. We text and call when our schedules match up and that seems to be enough until he arrives back in town.

[Moon]

I get to see my SO about every weekend as well. When he leaves I say "See ya next week!" and it sucks but I hardly consider having to wait 5 days till next weekend is pain worthy. We text and call when our schedules match up and that seems to be enough until he arrives back in town.

Right??? Five days apart is hardly call for such a strong "complexity" of emotion!

[snow]

I think different_countries made a good suggestion about finding a routine. Possibly you could plan trips throughout the month at the beginning of the months so she knows that there is upcoming trips only X days ahead.

My ex used to feel the same way. We would see each other one or two weekends every month and whenever I left he felt like the whole relationship was over. It was exhausting, so I know how you feel