30+ How many LDRs have you had?

[Petals]

Hey all

Haven't been here in well over a year. I'm entering my 3rd LDR and just wondering if others have had more than one. What lessons did you learn from the others that help with your current LDR?

My story:

My first LDR lasted 8 months.
Lesson learned: Discuss what you want from relationship very early so that you don't waste time and money when both people want different things.

2nd LDR
This relationship emerged from a rekindled romance. We got married (2011)about a year after meeting again and thought we would be together forever. We were happy but then the new UK immigration financial rule meant we could not progress with the spousal visa because he had dug himself into a financial hole with a business deal and had limited liquidity. I felt betrayed because he had made financial decisions after we were married without discussing them with me. We argued frequently and it didn't help that I lost my mom and I felt totally alone and abandoned because we couldn't afford to see each other. He got depressed and we drifted apart. His financial issue is now resolved but I have lost respect for him. We have been separated for a year and I am filing for divorce this year.

Lessons :
1. Avoid getting married before closing the distance. One cannot predict immigration changes and how these will affect being together.
2. Discuss finances carefully. Be sure you can meet financial requirements when you are ready to deal with immigration.
3. Ofcourse make sure your partner is honest with you about all aspects of their lives.


Current LDR

He's in Australia and I am in USA. We met for the first time in April and I will visit him next month for 6 weeks. I plan to move there in the next year pending a skilled independent visa. If work visa is not successful we will pursue the fiance visa route a year from now, but no marriage before closing the distance.

[Emilia]

I have only been in one LDR relationship and that is the one I am in now. I am from Australia and he is from America. I am currently in America visiting him for the first time.

We met online through the game GoldenEye: Source. We had known each other for three years before we started our relationship.

If we were to ever break up, I would not consider being in an LDR unless I had met the person. I know there are people who have been in LDRs and go on the internet in the search of meeting someone from another country to start another LDR. I'm not so sure that is such a great thing to do, but whatever makes people happy.

I just know that when I leave the US, I am going to be in bad emotional pain. I don't wish that upon anyone, nor encourage anyone to search for it. However, meeting Dave has been one of the greatest things to happen to me.

[Ahava]

Only this one.
I've had a couple holiday romance type of things that ended not long afterwards so you can't really talk about a relationship, long distance yes.

[differentcountries]

My first relationship had a long distance period as she was abroad for 5 months. We had been together 3 + years and thought we communicated well. This was before Skype and Facebook was invented, so we mainly texted, called or emailed, and I visited once (quite expensive travel). We did not send letters or gifts in the mail. I think we were naive in that we had not made proper deals on how to stay in touch. I should have insisted we had fixed times, because somehow she had a romantic idea that she could call whenever, and I was quite busy with work and studies, and we were not allowed to receive calls while at work. At the same time I guess I did not get how changed and chaotic her life there was. I think we had some relationship problems that the distance highlighted. We split up a month after she got home.

In this relationship, we were long distance from the start. We are much more creative and aware.We give gifts. Technology is on our side, and so is the currently flight fares. Also, he is a lot calmer then my ex, so we almost never fight, which makes things easier. I am older and know myself and other people better. Also, my husband is a great mediator, as well as calms my boyfriend when I fly back home. We have been together almost 8 months. We just moved in together in his country, we will live together one week a month or more.

[blankita719]

Technically 3. My SO and I were in a LDR in 1997 through 1998. I won't go in to the details about how difficult that was to maintain We've been in our current LDR since June, 2010.

I also dated quite literally the boy next door, who was in the Army and stationed in Georgia back in 2001. It didn't last very long because I wasn't very emotionally invested. He was a good guy, but he wasn't the one for me.

I don't think I could really be in another LDR if anything happened to us now. I can't rule it out of course, but if I did, I don't think I'd stay long distance for an extended period of time like this one.

[Petals]

If we were to ever break up, I would not consider being in an LDR unless I had met the person. I know there are people who have been in LDRs and go on the internet in the search of meeting someone from another country to start another LDR. I'm not so sure that is such a great thing to do, but whatever makes people happy.

Hi Emilia,

I think very few people go hunting for LDR...I am not one of them lol. I would much prefer being with someone from my current location but it just so happens that I clicked with someone so far away. I have asked myself if I want to go through all the difficulties of LDR again and for me it is worth it for the right person/relationship. My SO has had two LDR as well because he prefers to date outside his race and he doesn't have much option in his own region/country.

I think having been in previous LDR has taught me to be more relaxed about dealing with the distance. I know what to expect and how to deal with the emotions. I also know to have a clear plan from the beginning about how to close the distance.

Would I enter another LDR if this one ends? I don't think so! I am not getting younger and I need to settle down and have children soon and LDR delays that aspect of the relationship.

I do feel blessed though, that I did not let the distance deter me from giving this relationship a chance.

[Petals]

Technically 3. My SO and I were in a LDR in 1997 through 1998. I won't go in to the details about how difficult that was to maintain We've been in our current LDR since June, 2010.

I also dated quite literally the boy next door, who was in the Army and stationed in Georgia back in 2001. It didn't last very long because I wasn't very emotionally invested. He was a good guy, but he wasn't the one for me.

I don't think I could really be in another LDR if anything happened to us now. I can't rule it out of course, but if I did, I don't think I'd stay long distance for an extended period of time like this one.

Hey Blankita,

I agree about not being in LDR for a long time. That was also something I considered with regards to my current LDR- how soon could we be together physically? Our target is 1yr but 2yrs maximum.

I hope you can close the distance with your SO soon

[Ahava]

I actually forgot that my first real relationship had a 5 month long distance period to it when I was working as an au pair in the Alps. We had been together for 1,5 years at that point and the relationship lasted just over three. I went first out for about a month then came back for three weeks and then was away for 4 months, he visited me for nearly a week just after three months of being a part. We were going through some troubles at that time and also before I left but managed to last together one more year after that.

[Moon]

I had a guy I knew from another job, we had a fling going on, he moved back to the UK and we continued it for a time, but it wasn't a relationship. Also, and this is silly, when I was 14 my boyfriend moved to Florida. This was way back in the Stone Age, long before the internet, and we thought we could keep it going through letters. That lasted a couple of months. I was 14 though, so it doesn't really count as anything, except amusement. We are FB friends though, and he called me out of the blue about a year ago

Otherwise, this is my only actual LDR. LDR is not something I would search for, though it does have a few advantages sometimes. As I've written a million times here, we met through work. We're on the same team, me here in the US, him in Finland. We had to talk a lot for business, which turned into friendship, blah, blah, blah, and now we're here. While I wouldn't specifically try being in an LDR, I wouldn't be opposed to it either, for the perfect person. Which I've found, so I guess it's a moot point!

[silvermoonfairy3]

This is the only LDR I've done, and hopefully will be the only one I do.

Not to derail the topic, but you started dating the Aussie guy in April, aren't even divorced yet, and are talking about moving to be with him, possibly even on the fiance visa??

[Petals]

This is the only LDR I've done, and hopefully will be the only one I do.

Not to derail the topic, but you started dating the Aussie guy in April, aren't even divorced yet, and are talking about moving to be with him, possibly even on the fiance visa??

To respond to your question that seems to bundle separate issues into one:

I recently started the pre-application aspect of the skilled independent visa and this is the route we hope to use to close the distance. If the visa is approved I will join him 12 months from now. If not, then ONE year from now we will go the fiance route.

My divorce will be a straight forward case (we never lived together, no assets together and no children) that will take a matter of months to resolve...the law states one year of separation and that period has just elapse. I will be filing shortly... I refuse to bring children into a union where there are serious problems. In your eyes, I may be moving quickly but I know what I want and it isn't being in an unhappy marriage. I have done therapy and feel comfortable that I am making the best decision for myself.

Re my current LDR, I am not necessarily moving for him because I like Australia and want to explore the job opportunities there. I would live there even if he and I were not to work out...We were friends online but refused to call it relationship until we met in person. He came to see me for 3 weeks and we became a couple. For US, the next best thing is to close the distance as soon as possible so we can live together and determine if we are really compatible before taking the next step. The work-visa takes 3 months to process so I could possibly go there in less than a year but I am tied to a work contract. The fiance visa option, would be a last resort.

For clarity, if I am going to have children in the next few years, I don't have time to waste away in a never-ending LDR. If there weren't options for closing the distance in under 2 yrs I wouldn't enter this relationship. We are doing what we feel is right for us.

Any more questions, feel free to ask

[kayla_622]

Two. The first one last 2 1/2 years. We were only 500 miles apart. We fought constantly. It may have been the age diffferent. He was 18 and I was 23 when we started dating. He eventually broke it off because he couldn't handle the distance anymore. To be honest. Thinking back on our relationship now, I am glad we broke up. I wouldn't be able to stand living with him and he just wasn't there for me emotionally and he wasn't mature. Plus it was my first relationship and I had no idea what I was doing.

The second one is the one I am in now. Currently we are closed distance but we started out LD and continued that for about 6 months before moving in together.

[Malaga]

One and a half-ish I guess. In the other one we were LD for about 3 months a year.

I've had many more LD friendships though, sometimes just as intense as relationships, if not more.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I've had two real LDRs. I've had 3 other "College LDRs" where it was like two or three hours away but I could see them every weekend if I wanted. I don't really count those because the only difficulty was affording the gas.

[Petals]

Thanks for sharing your stories guys! Keep them coming

Though many of us would never expect to be in a LDR we find ourselves experiencing more than one. For some people, LDRs aren't as daunting the second or even 3rd time around, though of course we would rather have CD relationships.