30+ Do you want to close the distance faster because of age?

[TampaLove]

I am 36 and my SO is 33. Up until 2 years ago, I wanted children, but when I met my last CD ex, he didn't want any more children, so I researched and thought it all out and decided I was ok with that for a lot of reasons, my age being one of them (I worried about defects). I was 100% ok with that decision...

Now I've started talking to my LD SO, and while we are very new (in fact, are just meeting for the first time in 5 weeks), we've talked a lot and know that if there is the right chemistry when we meet, that we are looking toward a serious relationship.

Aaaand... He wants kids.

And I think that I could possibly reverse my stance, and go back to wanting one, if he proves to be the partner that my ex never was and was never going to be.

So now that this is in my head, I feel like I want to close the distance sooner and get started on my new life, because time goes quickly. I'd want to seriously date in the same city for at least 9 months before getting engaged, and be engaged for at least 6 months before getting married, and then married at least a year before getting pregnant. So that would put me at giving birth at age 40, minimum. And truly, that scares me.

But I just want to get on with it and move NOW, because every day counts.

Do you find yourself in this same situation?

[OperaDiva]

So, when your ex didn't want kids you changed your opinion and since your (very very new) SO does want kids you are changing again? Seriously, have you ever considered what do you want? It is your body and your life and time and bodily fluids that you will be sharing with your kids, so you need to really think about it, regardless of your current SO.

ETA: one more thing - how come you are willing to change your opinion on a life-altering thing (having a child), but you have a concrete schedule for engagement and marriage and co-habitation before (attempting, which is not equal to succeeding at that age more than any other) getting pregnant?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I second OperaDiva, but I also want to add.. the timeline thing puts a LOT of pressure. I think it's fine to have general ideas for timing of things, but I've only ever seen issues when it gets as rigid as the sort of thing you're pointing out.

I've known women who are very timeline focused.. "I want to be exclusive 6 months into dating, I want to move in with him at a year, I want to be engaged a year after that, and be engaged for a year before the wedding," etc... the truth is, it almost never works like that, and moreover it sets you up to be disappointed or feel like you failed if you don't hit those goal points.

It turns a relationship into a schedule to be adhered to, instead of an experience to enjoy and navigate together. And, often, for the other partner, it can feel to them like they're just along for the ride, someone that you're "plugging in" to a pre-arranged scenario of how things are going to go. It can create some resentment, like they personally aren't particularly important.. that anyone will do, a face to put on the body in a life already completely planned out.

Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, which is why timelines don't make a ton of sense to me. It needs to be about what the right timing for you and your partner is, and I think it's a bit premature to assume you know what that will be when you two haven't been dating very long and haven't even met.


As for the general wanting to hurry things along, I get that, I really do. There are times when I'm like "omg.. my mom had already had 2 of her 4 kids by the time she was my age, and I'm not even engaged or anything yet" etc. But then I slow down, and remember it's not a comparison, and that things are better when I don't try to force them.

There are also times when I'm just incredibly impatient and frustrated with the thought of not being able to move with my SO particularly soon, because as you say, every day counts. Sometimes it seems like "wasted" time. But then I realize, it's not at all.. it's foundation-building, it's enjoyable, it's courting time.

My dad died several years ago, and it has affected my outlook in a way that makes me a little more aware of mortality and the shortness of a life overall, but at the same time.. because of that, I'm like you know what? Life IS really short and every day DOES count, and it doesn't count less just because I can't have/do what I want to right this second.
And so I try to choose not to dwell on things like being long-distance, and instead work on enjoying the moment.. enjoying the conversations, the fun, the love we share, etc. While knowing that, of course, we're still working *toward* being in person, but not letting that feeling that the clock is ticking dominate my decisions or occupy too much of my mind space and enjoyment of the present.

Having kids as an "older than typical mothers" situation can work.. have you discussed it with your doctor? There are older women who give birth to perfectly healthy children, and there are ways to minimize risks, etc.

Also, would adoption be a possibility, if things were going a bit too slow?

I think you'll stress yourself (and your partner) out wayyyyy less if you don't put the pressure on your relationship of "okay, we have to meet now, and see the chemistry so that we can then move in and get ready for the "real" stuff like kids." Try reframing to focus a little bit more short-term. You want to meet so you can see if there's good chemistry and you're compatible to have a fun, supportive, healthy relationship together. One piece at a time.

[TampaLove]

I always wanted kids, but I accepted and became ok with not ever having them, because continuing to want them with an SO who didn't want them, along with my progressing age and fears, was an exercise in futility. I didn't want to be that woman that just accepted the hand that was dealt her, but in reality became bitter and resentful, so I really thought long and hard and truly actually became at peace with the idea of not having them. I feel that I did all of this in a very healthy way.

And while I still have the same fears (anyone would), I am open to changing my mind and compromising and making things work with the right person, the person I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will spend my life with. Is this person SO? Not a clue. But I'm hopeful, and open to finding out.

I have a history of moving really fast in relationships and getting hurt, which is why I have timeline guidelines that I'm trying to work towards with new relationships, so I don't jump in and continue to make more of the same mistakes. This, too, I feel is healthy. Of course, I'm not going to be all,"You must work with my timeline and I'm not going to deviate from it!" But I think it's good to go into something knowing that you've got rational thoughts behind decisions before you let emotion carry you away. I've lived with 2 SOs without any commitment, and both fell apart, so I really want to be sure the next time, with whomever it may be, that I'm engaged before moving in, and that I'm not rushing to move in too early. But I feel that the sooner I get down there and start living my life, the sooner I can start working on whether this situation will be serious and permanent. The next several months is just killing time for me, waiting. And I don't see much point in it. I'd rather not spend 6 months or a year or two years waiting to get there to see if we're going to work, because life doesn't wait. I've just recently had two high school friends lose their 37 year old husbands to heart attacks, and I see how precious time can be.

[silvermoonfairy3]

The next several months is just killing time for me, waiting. And I don't see much point in it. I'd rather not spend 6 months or a year or two years waiting to get there to see if we're going to work, because life doesn't wait. I've just recently had two high school friends lose their 37 year old husbands to heart attacks, and I see how precious time can be.

This is exactly what I'm referring to though. This part is "killing time" and "life doesn't wait."
This *is* life. The next several months doesn't have to be "killing time." It's still time, to experience, to use, to enjoy, to appreciate. To get to know your SO.

You're rushing rushing rushing toward a destination/end goal, as if that's when life "really" starts or something, when life is actually a series of things that don't really follow specific destinations. There's no real marker for, oh, life has really started now. It's how you approach it.

[jana89]

I am turning 25 in few weeks, my SO is almost 41. Though our desire to close the distance is probably the same, he is more into the whole let´s-get-married-and-have-kids thing. Anyhows, I definitely want kids and I want them with him, so we made the agreement of living together for a year before making the next step. That will give me bit more time to get used to the whole living together idea and he knows I take his needs seriously.

[Petals]

This is exactly what I'm referring to though. This part is "killing time" and "life doesn't wait."
This *is* life. The next several months doesn't have to be "killing time." It's still time, to experience, to use, to enjoy, to appreciate. To get to know your SO.

You're rushing rushing rushing toward a destination/end goal, as if that's when life "really" starts or something, when life is actually a series of things that don't really follow specific destinations. There's no real marker for, oh, life has really started now. It's how you approach it.

I get what you are saying AND you are absolutely right! However, I also understand what the OP is expressing.

I just turn 34 and I feel the urge to get things moving in the direction where I can achieve my life goals. An important one is having children. In my previous LDR, I ignored signs and rushed into marriage because I wanted to close the distance and have children. Shortly afterwards, realized that I had made a huge mistake. I decided to end my marriage last year despite having this pressure of my biological clock kicking because I don't want to have a child with just anyone; it needs to be the right person.

Now, here I am in another LDR and YES! I am in a hurry to close the distance in an attempt to determine whether we are truly compatible. What I will not do again however, is get married before we close the distance. We need to live together for at least 6 months (preferably a year) before marriage. For me this is very important.

So after just one visit, we have already started the process(work visa) of closing the distance. I will spend close to 2 months with him this summer and visit every chance I get until my work visa is approved (hopefully) next yr and we can live together. Thereafter, who knows what will happen. I know for a fact that I would not have entered this LDR if there weren't the distinct possibility that we could close the distance in 2yrs or less. We BOTH discussed this very early in our friendship and even researched different options to make sure.

I get the urgency OP, but you do have to be cautious and make sure you are making the right moves that are in your best interest. Don't let your biological clock cloud your judgement...listen to your gut and be sure that if you make the move to close the distance, you can recover fairly easily professionally and personally.

[merlinkitty]

... the truth is, it almost never works like that... One piece at a time.

In answer to your question, in short, yes.

And I had a chance once with an ex, opted for an abortion, and have had to come to terms with the idea that I may never have natural born children of my own. In my head I've made similar plans like silvermoonfairy discusses, but the truth is, it almost never works like that.

The one thing I do know, which is why I shared one of the most hurtful memories that I have with you, is that I've made the best decisions I've been able to make with the resources that I've had available. And here I am, rapidly rushing toward 34, wanting children of my own, and wanting them with a man I've never met in real life. I feel that clock ticking like no one's business. But I also do realize that putting deadlines on this thing could put me in a situation like Ally mentions about rushing into a situation. And I don't want that.

You say you have a history of rushing relationships so you placed timelines on when it is appropriate to take the next step, you have timelines on yourself, on your body to perform, on your life to unfold the way you plan. You have placed so much pressure on yourself. It seems like you've got conflicting timelines for everything.

Stop worrying about children. I hate to say it to you, cause I'm repeating it to myself. One thing at a time. There's always an option to adopt. There's loads of children in the world who need a good mother like you. I know you'd probably rather have yours (and his) flesh and blood, but that's not going to stop you from loving whoever it is that comes into your life.

You should remember that you too have done the best that you have been able to, with the resources you've had, to make the best decisions you can for yourself. Everything you've done has been exactly what you wanted to do, exactly at the time you were doing it. There is no use in regretting the time that has passed. The little quote I have in my signature? Replace the word "art" with "life" and that's really why I like it. Because it reminds me that there are things in this world that I cannot plan for, that I cannot force.

I agree. Life is precious. Take care of yours.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

What is your top priority, loving him and wanting to be with him, or having children? Just love him, and let it all unfold, without the pressure of deadlines. Get with him and see how you feel, follow your heart.

Chances are, you will get pregnant right away, who knows. Even on birth control, I did. A few times. I guess the BCP when I was young wasn't as strong as they are now.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself, and him, by trying to control the future. Stay in the NOW with him.

[OperaDiva]

I have a history of moving really fast in relationships and getting hurt, which is why I have timeline guidelines that I'm trying to work towards with new relationships, so I don't jump in and continue to make more of the same mistakes. This, too, I feel is healthy.

Don't you think you may be "jumping in" here too, by making plans to move and be with a man because you have a schedule? You haven't even hugged him yet, and you are thinking of engagement and kids. This is not prudent planning, this is fear. Don't live your life in fear, trust me, it is not a life at all.

About the pregnancy, all of my friends and ex-classmates are having kids (I swear, my FB wall is crawling with newborns and toddlers). The pressure is there and it is mounting. But it is not about following the herd, or fulfilling a biological imperative, it is about having a family with someone that I love, respect and care about, and who is the same way about me. Ask anyone, babies don't follow your schedule, they have their own. One thing that I hear over and over about getting pregnant, when you try really really hard it sometimes doesn't work because you are waaay too stressed about meeting your self-imposed deadline. Have you thought about why do you want kids, and why do you change your mind about them so easily?

[differentcountries]

I get the wanting to to it all at once, I have been there myself (several times). I do feel time ticking. But I can't allow myself to go into the child mode now, I am properly starting my job in August and I can hardly support myself as it it, plus I want my old job or similar back at some point.

Also... SO is very happy now just being us. With our flat he can be alone in ways he has not been able to before, he seems more content. He said he is not sure if he wants kids of "his own". I am not quite sure how to interprete this, as he has expressed a desire before that me and my husband have kids and is very keen to see me pregnant. Anyway, it is way too early for anything of the sort. We have only been together 8 months.I know I can't trust myself with the more regular bc, so had the doctor put in an UID, which would make conception a medical miracle for a few years. I think too for SO it proves I know what I am doing and would not make him have a kid unexepectedly. He is a bit impulsive and he relies on me to think things through. His best friend is going to a be a father over the same distance as us, with a grumpy girlfriend moving in to a new appartment in my country all by herself, I think that pretty much made all of us very reluctant to have a child over the distance because we see the hardship. I don't know...in a few years, hopefully we are all in better places regarding jobs, he might even come here to study. I would feel a lot safer if he was with me.

I don't put a time limit to things, exept I would want us to have dated for at least a year (in my experience with long relationships, the relationship is pretty much "set" after the first year), and I need a couple of years to get properly into my new job as well as the project for my old career. Also, there are two guys in my picture that should also get to know each other well, especially if we all should share the responsability of raising a child together. So in my head, every decition regarding kids are "frozen" for the next 2 years. I don't think it will be too bad to have a child or two at 36-40. My mother had my youngest sister when she was 38.

[merlinkitty]

About the pregnancy, all of my friends and ex-classmates are having kids (I swear, my FB wall is crawling with newborns and toddlers). The pressure is there and it is mounting. But it is not about following the herd, or fulfilling a biological imperative, it is about having a family with someone that I love, respect and care about, and who is the same way about me.

Exactly. This has been a big source of the pressure I feel. I've never felt like I've failed my life more, except when I compare to other people.

But the truth is, I haven't. I may not have everything I want, but I have what I need, and am taking the steps with as much patience as I can muster, to be where I want to be when the time is right. One thing at a time.

[TampaLove]

I forget that not everyone knows all of the details! lol

I was planning to move before I found him, the move has just been accelerated because of him. Even before he came along, I felt like I couldn't get out of this state fast enough.

I also have an IUD, so no oops babies. It will have to be talked about and planned.

(Sorry, I'm here on an iPhone, and it's hard to type too much or go back and read all of the responses in order to reply to them all.)

[OperaDiva]

I also have an IUD, so no oops babies. It will have to be talked about and planned.

Well, you should consider the fact that chances of conception decline somewhat after 35, and even perfectly healthy people sometimes have trouble getting pregnant. Talking about it and planning it in your head doesn't mean that it will happen the way you imagine it. And that applies to your relationship schedule as well. What I find worrying is that you were willing to stay with your ex even though it meant a compromise on a core value - having kids - and you find that healthy.

[Ahava]

What I find worrying is that you were willing to stay with your ex even though it meant a compromise on a core value - having kids - and you find that healthy.

A lot of people (men and women) stay with their partners who don't want kids (when they do) and so they sacrifice the posibility of being a parent.
Some decide they love the person more and that person is more important than having children. Others stay and hope the other person changes their mind.

I'm not saying it's good or healthy, but often it's reality. And this applies to many other important things one or the other will have to compromise on.