30+ Looking for a MAN'S perspective on LDRs

[ittybittypilot]

Hello to all the LDR men here.
I'm in my 2nd LDR with a busy, career focused man. I'm hoping to get a bit of insight into the male brain for helping maintain this relationship and not drive him crazy.

Women are generally needy...I'm over 40, so I'm pretty settled into who I am and what my needs are, but when he goes a few days without connecting (poor internet on his end, or simply very busy) I get frustrated. I learned the hard way to not take it out on him, and be patient and positive. Works wonders.

So, for you men, how do you feel if you haven't spoken to your lady in a few days? What goes thru your head?

How do you like us to handle the time apart (for us, it will be 6 months by time we can be together again).

[80anthea]

Hello to all the LDR men here.
I'm in my 2nd LDR with a busy, career focused man. I'm hoping to get a bit of insight into the male brain for helping maintain this relationship and not drive him crazy.

Women are generally needy...I'm over 40, so I'm pretty settled into who I am and what my needs are, but when he goes a few days without connecting (poor internet on his end, or simply very busy) I get frustrated. I learned the hard way to not take it out on him, and be patient and positive. Works wonders.

So, for you men, how do you feel if you haven't spoken to your lady in a few days? What goes thru your head?

How do you like us to handle the time apart (for us, it will be 6 months by time we can be together again).

Maybe instead of making huge generalisations about male characteristics you should speak to your own man about this? Not all men are the same, nor are all women.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I have discussed this with my SO before. When we don't talk, he doesn't realize it really, until I say something. And then he misses me in retrospect. This is because he has a much busier life than I do, running a business. My SO likes to handle the time apart by throwing himself into his work (which is why we are LD in the first place), and enjoying himself with video games etcetera on his free time.

When I feel like I am not getting enough from him, I just communicate how I am feeling to him. Then we talk out little ways to make things better for me, and big ways to make things better for each other. The biggest thing we worked out is how I ultimately just need to feel acknowledged and remembered in his busy life, so he makes an effort to communicate with me what he is doing when he can't talk, and make the times we do talk more focused without other distractions.

Anyway, I know I am not a guy, but that's what my SO has told me about all that.

[ittybittypilot]

I have discussed this with my SO before. When we don't talk, he doesn't realize it really, until I say something. And then he misses me in retrospect. This is because he has a much busier life than I do, running a business. My SO likes to handle the time apart by throwing himself into his work (which is why we are LD in the first place), and enjoying himself with video games etcetera on his free time.

When I feel like I am not getting enough from him, I just communicate how I am feeling to him. Then we talk out little ways to make things better for me, and big ways to make things better for each other. The biggest thing we worked out is how I ultimately just need to feel acknowledged and remembered in his busy life, so he makes an effort to communicate with me what he is doing when he can't talk, and make the times we do talk more focused without other distractions.

Anyway, I know I am not a guy, but that's what my SO has told me about all that.

Thanks! My poor boyfriend is crazy busy, so I don't get too excited if I don't hear from him for a few days. My last boyfriend would go weeks and not talk to me, then get pissed at me if I finally texted or left messages and he claimed I was too needy...seriously? it's been over a week and we live in the same country. My new boyfriend, who lives 10,000 miles away rarely goes 24 hours without at least some sort of contact. He's so much more considerate. I loved my previous boyfriend, we had plans to eventually marry, but he was totally ok with going weeks of not talking. I'm not ok with that. I'm patient, but I need a relationship, not a casual friend.

[differentcountries]

Not all men are like this. My SO feels pain if we go more than one day without talking. The guys who can go for weeks without contact tend to not last in relationships.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Deja vu, and here we go again...a topic for the men, and we women are doing most of the talking.

Anyway, my SO has told me that we don't have to be in contact every day, that it is OK for us to live our lives. He likes it when I stay busy and happy. His life is much busier than mine, but he still finds time for us, and we chat nearly every day. Still there are times I really miss him, and then find out he has been missing me, too. I don't think either of us would be happy going for weeks or months without contact.

[Petals]

My SO works 7 days per week at the moment and is under tremendous pressure to meet deadlines BUT we talk several times per day...if even for a few minutes. He says I have a calming effect on him so when he is stressed he needs to hear from me even more . I am totally happy that he is like this because I need frequent communication in a relationship. We've been official for only 3 months but he's yet to go a day without contacting me.

[80anthea]

Deja vu, and here we go again...a topic for the men, and we women are doing most of the talking.

Silly little us, you're right we should head back to the kitchen and keep our views quiet. Be seen and not heard.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Men do not share the same hivemind. Talk to your partners, people. Ask them things.

[Dziubka]

Men do not share the same hivemind. Talk to your partners, people. Ask them things.

this and
if you just look through the first pages of the general long distance forum, there a few threads from men (complaining about a lack of contact, among others - after all, as surprising as it sounds, men are people too, some even have feelings ).

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Silly little us, you're right we should head back to the kitchen and keep our views quiet. Be seen and not heard.

Really, no need to be snarky. I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, it just reminded me of that thread several weeks ago that was started for the men, and there were very few men who commented on it, mostly women.

[80anthea]

Really, no need to be snarky. I didn't mean anything derogatory by it, it just reminded me of that thread several weeks ago that was started for the men, and there were very few men who commented on it, mostly women.

Yep blatant sexism does make me a little snarky.

[CanadianGirl]

As suggested, you should be asking your SO specifically what he expects communication-wise. And not just that, but check in every now and then and see if anything's changed. My SO and I both go through periods of being very busy and independent, to being "needy" and it's not like we're in synch when it happens to shift. The only way for us to make it work is to ask and listen to each other. When you're living together, sometimes a little non-verbal communication is enough to know, but being LD, you gotta say it. He's a man, sure, but he's a person first and I think that's more important to remember.