30+ Am I asking for too much?

[lilspitfire]

My SO and I had had a massive fight last Sunday and he had pretty much called it quits. This whole week leading from that Sunday to yesterday I've been struggling to get him to talk without much response. Last night he called me and I was for sure that it was to do an official breakup. He told me then (after a week of leading me to believe we were through) that he wanted to work things out with me. He said he couldn't answer my questions or give me any hope because he had a lot to think about and a lot on his mind. We talked for a bit and then we hung up because I had to use the restroom and he wanted to start dinner and play video games. Now it seems like he kind of expects everything to go back to how it was prior to the fight. Affectionate and all that. I'm not sure. I feel like he should have to earn my trust again. Is that too harsh to ask for? Should I go back to how we were and act like nothing happened when for 8 days I was crying at work and home, barely eating, barely sleeping? Is this too much to expect? He kept me in the dark. He seemed pretty sure we were through. Although sometimes he would not confirm nor deny we were. I'm happy he wants to work through things, but terrified that the littlest thing will provoke him into vanishing again. I'm not sure what to do. I want to believe he still loves me, but after what happened, I just don't know.

[Redheart14]

I don't think you're asking too much. Trust is the foundation of all relationships and you need to have that. You do need to talk about it (I feel) or it will always be like a dark cloud hanging over you. You need to know what's going on in order to deal with it and move on so the same thing doesn't reappear in your relationship. After the way you've felt because of the fight I don't think it's asking too much at all. It might help enlighten where he's at and what he's feeling too.

[lilspitfire]

You do need to talk about it (I feel) or it will always be like a dark cloud hanging over you. You need to know what's going on in order to deal with it and move on so the same thing doesn't reappear in your relationship.

Exactly! There is a very dark cloud. I know men are very different at handling things, but I feel as if I'm alone in this. I'm torn inside. In my head there's all kinds of conflict. He's with his parents, so I have to wait. But I'm very edgy. Have been since the call. I'm not working at picking a fight with him. We've been occasionally texting today. Mostly just what are you doing or I just wanted to say hey. Nothing major.

[snow]

I don't think you should ask him to earn your trust again, but if you can't go back to where you were prior to the fight, then you obviously don't go back to that. There is things that need to be discussed and it is exactly like you said here - you don't know if in the future a little thing could set off something huge like that again where he leaves you in the dark for over a week without telling you if you broke up or not. This is cruel.

You two need to talk about it, see why it came that far and then see what you can do to avoid that.

[Hollandia]

You need to learn to forgive, but not forget. I also believe the fight was not completely one sided. Would you rather be with him or continue to dwell on when you were apart? If you wish to discuss how it affected you that is fine but if you can't move past it, then you are dooming yourself to repeat it.

[p_b82]

I'd say that while he may have not have handled it very well, and not talking is never 'great' sometimes people do need to take a step back and really think about things.

The fact that he has done just that and come back and said he wants to make it work suggests that between you, you need to reset the balance of things and start over. It will be difficult to forget the pain and the hurt the week has caused, but if you dont forgive him, or allow that to not be the dominating thought process, it will be difficult for you to allow him back in your life again. As otherwise you have already shut that door in your mind and it will be obvious to him after a while that you are keeping him at an emotional distance.

Wish you the best of luck, it sounds like a bit of a rocky road in the short term!

[lilspitfire]

Don’t use the cold shoulder technique. This is just as bad as hanging up.
Giving someone the cold shoulder (aka. not speaking to them) is only going to
make things worse. You’re not going to get any happier, and they aren’t either.
And it’s not going to make them come crawling to you for forgiveness and give
you what you want (the usual motive, whether the person doing the ignoring will
admit to that or not). Just don’t do it.
- Don’t put off conflict. Handle the issue ASAP. Get it over and done with. The
longer it lingers, the longer it will be affecting your relationship in a negative way.

6. Do not have a “break.” I personally don't think having a break helps any
relationship. Nothing gets "fixed" and you return to the relationship with the same
issues because you didn't work on them together; all you did was avoid them. Problems
have to be sorted out together… not apart. Being able to successfully work out
problems is a test for every relationship, and something you need to be able to do as a
couple.

Michelle and Frank have this in their own E-book and while they aren't experts, I can see these have been probably tried and true. With them or maybe others. He did all this. I have a right to be angry. No, the fight wasn't one sided, but the trying to talk it out was. Leading someone to believe it was over and then saying "Surprise! Just kidding." is not very healthy to a relationship. I understand needing time to think, but at least give someone some idea of what's happening. I never said I wouldn't forgive. I'm asking if he should have to earn my trust again, but apparently I'm supposed to act like nothing happened, who cares about how I'm feeling or felt.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Leading someone to believe it was over and then saying "Surprise! Just kidding." is not very healthy to a relationship.

I agree, but do you genuinely think that's what he was doing? That's a pretty cynical view of it.
Is it not more likely that he honestly thought he wanted to end things, then had some time to think it over more clearly, and decided he was having a weak moment and didn't really want to end it?

I'm asking if he should have to earn my trust again, but apparently I'm supposed to act like nothing happened, who cares about how I'm feeling or felt.

What would "earning your trust again" entail?

And who said you're supposed to act like nothing happened?

Let's flip this around a bit. What can you do or work on to make yourself comfortable with things? Do you think it's possible for you to view him positively and have a satisfying relationship after this? Sometimes, unfortunately, particular instances can be too damaging.

For all we talk about needing to be able to trust people (and yes, that's crucial) the trust is something that you still have to give. Do you think you'll be able to?

You mentioned that you're angry, which makes sense, so is it just that you aren't ready to be done being angry yet? If so, how do you need to process the anger to begin moving past it?

If you need to talk to him about what all went down to move past the anger, tell him that. I'd say flat out that you're glad the two of you are going to give it another shot, but that the circumstances leading up to the near-breakup really shook you, and you need to discuss it to be able to resolve it and move on healthily together.

But, I would also caution about continuously dwelling on it. Discuss it, bring up whatever you need to so that it feels resolve, and let it go.

As upsetting as this situation sounds, I think it's not as big a mistake as he could have made (like cheating or lying or other stuff) and I don't think it would be good to go into it expecting to make him grovel and earn back your trust, necessarily. I think that would seem like punishing him for having human doubts and fears, and moreover, I find that most guys, when they feel like they're trying to work constantly to fix something after a misstep, get tired of it when forgiveness isn't forthcoming. The amount of time attempting to fix it on one partner's part needs to feel proportional to the 'mistake' and it's important for the two of you to communicate how much the issue bothered each of you and how it's getting addressed.

I'd also think a lot about the circumstances of the fight/what things lead up to this, and maybe talk about all of that. But yeah, as for earning your trust back.. I dunno. If you feel like you need to make him do that, it's your prerogative, I've just always found the concept kind of weird.

Good luck!

[Hollandia]

I am going to be blunt.

I said you should forgive but not forget, and don't dwell on it but it is okay to discuss how his actions affected you. You sound like you want to mad at him, and you want us to tell you he needs to allow you that. It does not work that way. Would you rather be right in your indignity or would you rather really work it out?

It is your call but he did not frak around on you, steal from you or purposely break your heart. You are acting like he did. He pulled back and broke up because at the time that was what he felt he needed to do. At that time, I am sure he meant it. He took some time and cooled off, as I had suggested might happen and realized his mistake. He realized he is in love with you and almost lost you and so he is being overly sweet and "as you were" to be with you.

What exactly can he do that is right in your eyes? Should you sit him down for an hour and blast him? Do you want to break up with him for a few days and try to hurt him back? Do you want to smack him in the face? Do you want to blow him off and treat him like shit? Do you love this man? If you do, yes, work through your anger and to some extent get over it, or pretty soon, you will truly have to be getting over him.

It does not have to be the same, but to me, what I hear from you right now is anger. How dare he do that? If all he really did do was break up and blow you off for a few days, you anger seems somewhat out of place. Is there a part of the story you are not telling to make you this angry? People break up all the time and when they do, they don't usually have contact, and sometimes they realize their mistake and beg to be taken back. You took him back, why do you think it would not go back to how it was when you were happy? Do you not want the two of you to be happy, or do you want him to pay some unspoken price for breaking up with you over a mutual fight for a few days?

[Redheart14]

Did you end up talking about it?

[Ahava]

I'm just curious as to why you changed your name here on the forum?
I didn't even know that is technically possible.

[differentcountries]

I dont think he should have to win your heart again, but you need to make ground rules for the relationship together.

[lilspitfire]

I'm just curious as to why you changed your name here on the forum?
I didn't even know that is technically possible.

You have to ask Michelle and I did it for private and personal reasons.

[lilspitfire]

Did you end up talking about it?

We have been talking, yes.