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    #1

    30+ Baffled

    Okey so I'm in a bit of a conundrum!!!

    I had a HUGE fight with the guy I'm seeing and I don't know what to make of things ...

    1. Initially met 5 years ago ... He pursued me and but I held back at the time since I didn't think he was serious. We met again 4 months ago and hit it off ... we've been talking, texting, skyping (but definition as to what we are doing relationship wise ... not for lack of trying).
    2. The argument came about because I informed a mutual friend about his change of behavior post intimacy the second time we saw each other (reduced calls, no texts, change of plans).
    3. We have different personalities but similar backgrounds, interests, life goals. He has shared a lot of things that are highly personal so I feel (or felt) like he trusted me.

    So the argument lasted more than a week and in that time I asked him repeatedly whether he wanted to end things and he repeatedly said no ... that he was just disappointed that I had such a low opinion of him and our "relationship" ... I've never had someone so upset with me (yet I feel like my only fault was talking to a friend) and I don't know what to do. The reason I ask if he wants to end things is because he really doesn't seem to want to talk to me (he is hot and cold so I never know what to expect) and still never texts unless I do. How are we to have a long distance anything if we dont talk???

    That argument was about 3 weeks ago should I walk away since we are not in a "relationship"?

    Is he playing mind games?

    Am I making too much of nothing?
    Last edited by Lovinginny; November 17, 2014, 09:32 PM.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Walk away

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      #3
      My GF and I went 'cold' after my second visit and we were intimate on that one, and it was the post visit blues. Neither of us were very happy and we missed each other, and let that dominate everything.

      I do not know what you said to him or your friend, but you obviously really hurt him (or as you say he is playing silly buggers with you). Although it might be a difference of perspective, he thought you were in a relationship. you were just testing the water still as it were. If you have talked about being exclusive or the like then that is normally the driving factor rather than 'asking the other out' as it were - or it is in my mind.

      Arrange a time to actually talk through your concerns, and listen to his concerning why he was so upset. If he doesn't wish to enter into dialogue about it though, ultimately you need to walk away; as you rightly say, you can't have a relationship without communication that flows two ways.

      Comment

        #4
        Thank you for your response. We have talked several times about why he was so angry and he says that he felt that I betrayed his trust by talking to the mutual friend, that I portrayed him as a joker, and that he thought we were having a mature relationship that didn't involve mind games (which I feel he is playing) .... yet he says he is not ready to define what we are doing as a relationship even though we are exclusive.

        I should add that he doesn't want to split up or take a break or have some space.

        I have not been in a relationship in a while and feel I might not be handling this issue as well as I should in terms of communication and managing my own confused feelings. I don't want to rush and end things prematurely but I also don't want to get hurt by someone I have come to like.
        Last edited by Lovinginny; November 18, 2014, 11:20 AM.

        Comment

          #5
          Originally posted by Lovinginny View Post
          Thank you for your response. We have talked several times about why he was so angry and he says that he felt that I betrayed his trust by talking to the mutual friend, that I portrayed him as a joker, and that he thought we were having a mature relationship that didn't involve mind games (which I feel he is playing) .... yet he says he is not ready to define what we are doing as a relationship even though we are exclusive.
          Because you did! Think about it for a second. By telling that mutual friend that he changed his behavior after you had sex, you portrayed him as someone who doesn't want a relationship and would stop contacting you after sex, that sex is the only thing he wanted. This is absolutely disrespectful. You should have talked to him first, not a common friend. You hurt him intimately and now you think he is playing mind games? He is hurt. Get over yourself and see what you have done. You broke the trust you had in your relationship by bypassing the most important person in this relationship and going to a friend.

          Relationship began: 05/22/2012
          First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
          Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
          Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
          Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
          Married: 1/24/2015
          Became Resident: 9/14/2015

          Comment

            #6
            Before I spoke with the mutual friend I had tried to talk to him a number of times. He'd say that he was okey but still wouldn't pick up calls, or respond to my texts as he normally did. I only talked to the mutual friend after he cancelled an upcoming visit with a flimsy excuse. I understand that he felt that I broke his trust by divulging things to our friend and I know I have to earn back that trust. The fact still remains that his behavior was different hence my concern.

            Comment

              #7
              Maybe there is something else going in his life that he is not dealing with very well, and that might be a factor.

              I guess, if you two can't find a compromise situation about the communication, you either have to just accept it is reduced, or it is that you should start to walk away.

              I can understand why he is angry, I would be too, if I was 'accused' of only being with some-one for sex, when it wasn't the case. However it sounds like he is not helping himself in this situation either by becoming a bit flaky - the timing may well be a coincidence there though.

              If you are exclusive, why is it not a relationship? It sounds to me that this is the crux of the issue, if everything was a bit of a whirlwind, take a step back, and a deep breath and 'start over' again the two of you, maybe taking things a little slower and just working things out.

              My GF and I are still trying to work out how to have our LDR, and we've known each other for 3.5 years now, even though we only got together recently ourselves.

              Comment

                #8
                I understand how your SO may feel hurt...but he bears some responsibility too
                I am confused why he feels it's ok to avoid communicating with you...
                if a person wants a relationship then they have to work WITH their partner
                You deserve to be treated better

                Comment

                  #9
                  Argh it's gotten to a point where I feel like a nag!!!! I think I'll just step back.

                  Comment

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