Am I overreacting???

[farandaway]

Of course he don't want to Skype with you if he is trying to hide you from his parents! Are you really wondering why that is? The question is more if you have the patience to be his secret, or not. In this situation he can't give you what you want and maybe not what he wants, either. There is no shame in admitting it is hard on you that your relationship revolves around his family situation.

It's not like it's only then. He lives on his own and he might just be doing something and doesn't think it's a big deal if he forgets to message me. Then later when I mention it he might say. So why didn't you call if it bothered you? Maybe I'm just so much more needy than him?

[snow]

I normally write at the International threads but as I signed in and saw a new thread here, I was amazed! I was going to write about the same thing, my SO's lack of enough communication. We don't have any fear of acute illness but it did happen last spring that he had heart problems and had to cancel his trip. When it was too late to he found out it was stress causing the symptoms.

These thoughts trouble me all the time. He doesn't understand how important it is for me to say a good night and a good morning. It takes only seconds but it makes all the difference. We write or talk every day but we normally talk in my evening and I like to plan our next day and our weekends, knowing what his schedule is like and if he will be there at what we call "our normal time". From the time we talk in his afternoon, he can easily go until the next day that time without saying a word. Then he might say that he's been busy because he wants to get everything done so that he can take that time for me. Even when we talk, it's normally always him to say he has to go. Sometimes I say it just because I feel that he is ruling our relationship with his schedule. His parents live on the other side of the US from him and they are old so he visits them fairly often. Every time he is there, he barely has any time for me. He might say how are you or I love you either late in his night or early in the morning but we cannot ever talk. I don't know why it is like that. Of course he doesn't see them that much and with bad hearing they can't really talk over the phone any more. I don't want to be jealous over his elderly parents but if I was visiting my mom I could take some time for him in the day. It would not be so hard. Of course one this is I'm still hidden away. No one knows about me and will not before his divorce is through. I'm even going there for Christmas and it will be our first Christmas together and I know he truly loves me but something gives. I'm not happy like this. Am I asking too much? I get so grumpy with these thoughts and if I mention it he says he is sorry and that I'm sweet when I'm go grumpy but he doesn't take it seriously. Right now he is flying back home and he asked if I'm still up at midnight when he changes planes I can call him. But with this mood I don't know. It's not the right time to talk. There never seems to be a talk that solves this. He can calm me down for the moment but it happens again. I keep saying we don't communicate enough but I mean he doesn't.

Sorry such a long story about us. Is this familiar to you, Unicorn? Does this happen over and over for you? When you speak up and tell him about your concerns, does it relly fix the problem or does it repeat later? I feel really desperate sometimes. He very easily gets defensive and i don't want him to think I'm nagging but I can't keep this to myself for very long so eventually he will notice and ask what is wrong. But it doesn't really change anything. I will say the same. I'm not really angry but it hurts me. It hurts me to think that it will always be like this and I'm worried what it will do to us in the long rung. At least we will be together on Sunday and I can hopefully somehow get the message to him that I feel awful like this.

It is never a bad time to call someone when they are going to board a plane. Dangerous things can happen and you would never want to regret not having called, just because you were in a bad mood.

[differentcountries]

It's not like it's only then. He lives on his own and he might just be doing something and doesn't think it's a big deal if he forgets to message me. Then later when I mention it he might say. So why didn't you call if it bothered you? Maybe I'm just so much more needy than him?

I don't think needy is a good word. We all have needs. Maybe you can find a system where he can give a head 's up.

[Unicorn26]

It's not like it's only then. He lives on his own and he might just be doing something and doesn't think it's a big deal if he forgets to message me. Then later when I mention it he might say. So why didn't you call if it bothered you? Maybe I'm just so much more needy than him?


This sounds so much like me and my SO.

Sometimes I think he just gets caught up in stuff, doesn't realise the time and that's genuinely all it is. I'm not a needy person, but due to what happened with his illness last year I do worry more than I should if there's no contact.

Since the events of the other day, he's made much more of an effort to keep in touch.

[farandaway]

Well, our reunion (on skype) after a full week of short what't app messages went like this. He started with asking about my day. I said I need to tell what's on my mind and how I was so lonely during his trip and I wish he could make some time for me while he is visiting his family. I said this always happens when he is away and I feel so distant and hurt. He said he tried now to ask how I am and I keep saying we don't talk. How can we talk if I keep saying we don't. Then he asked if I know at all what his days are like over there. I know his Dad is old and sick and needs a lot of caring and help. But I also know that he was watching movies in the evening with his brother and did not have time for me. He kept asking if I know what his days are like and I said I can only know what he tells me and I can imagine the rest. I said I feel that he does not share his life with me and asked him how much sharing does he think there should be in a relationship. He said he was trying to start a conversation when I started saying we never talk. I would like to talk this over so that we don't have to come back to the same subject of bad communication again and then got the feeling he feels pressured. He said I was on the phone when he had a few minutes in skype in his night (when he was dead tired with 9hours difference we had and I was of course working in my morning). So he was getting defensive and then he was very upset that I didn't understand what he days are like with his family but he left me in the dark like I should have guessed. I don't just insist that he must take certain amount of time for me but I'd like him to tell me if there will not be any time some day. I would understand that. But instead he doesn't keep me posted at all and it feels like ignorance. When we talk like this I get really anxious and he just stares at me and does not say anything and he says I'm mad which I'm not. Then he gets upset and I saw he was wiping tears and I was crying, too. He said he is too upset to talk and we hang up. I don't understand at all how that all happened. All I wanted to say I miss him and I wish he could share his life with me and I am so sad when we don't communicate. Then we try to talk and it gets worse. I heard nothing from him since and I tried to call later but he said he needs to sleep and we will talk today. I already suggested I would cancel my trip if I'm so awful that I upset him so much because I miss him. I'm really lost and in pain. It wasn't supposed to go like this. He makes me feel so guilty and I don't know I did wrong.

[Elizabeth123]

First - sorry you are having a rough patch.

Try writing what you want to say to him...maybe if you both read each others words it might be easier to understand each other:

I don't understand at all how that all happened. All I wanted to say I miss him and I wish he could share his life with me and I am so sad when we don't communicate.

Hoping you can resolve this together

[differentcountries]

Well, our reunion (on skype) after a full week of short what't app messages went like this. He started with asking about my day. I said I need to tell what's on my mind and how I was so lonely during his trip and I wish he could make some time for me while he is visiting his family. I said this always happens when he is away and I feel so distant and hurt. He said he tried now to ask how I am and I keep saying we don't talk. How can we talk if I keep saying we don't. Then he asked if I know at all what his days are like over there. I know his Dad is old and sick and needs a lot of caring and help. But I also know that he was watching movies in the evening with his brother and did not have time for me. He kept asking if I know what his days are like and I said I can only know what he tells me and I can imagine the rest. I said I feel that he does not share his life with me and asked him how much sharing does he think there should be in a relationship. He said he was trying to start a conversation when I started saying we never talk. I would like to talk this over so that we don't have to come back to the same subject of bad communication again and then got the feeling he feels pressured. He said I was on the phone when he had a few minutes in skype in his night (when he was dead tired with 9hours difference we had and I was of course working in my morning). So he was getting defensive and then he was very upset that I didn't understand what he days are like with his family but he left me in the dark like I should have guessed. I don't just insist that he must take certain amount of time for me but I'd like him to tell me if there will not be any time some day. I would understand that. But instead he doesn't keep me posted at all and it feels like ignorance. When we talk like this I get really anxious and he just stares at me and does not say anything and he says I'm mad which I'm not. Then he gets upset and I saw he was wiping tears and I was crying, too. He said he is too upset to talk and we hang up. I don't understand at all how that all happened. All I wanted to say I miss him and I wish he could share his life with me and I am so sad when we don't communicate. Then we try to talk and it gets worse. I heard nothing from him since and I tried to call later but he said he needs to sleep and we will talk today. I already suggested I would cancel my trip if I'm so awful that I upset him so much because I miss him. I'm really lost and in pain. It wasn't supposed to go like this. He makes me feel so guilty and I don't know I did wrong.

That sounds like me and my boyfriend sometimes. I see you mean well, but he cant neccesarily take your direct critisism like you prefer him to. I notice that you use words like always, which tend to make people defensive (even if they know it is true). I take his hints of "Don't you know what my day is like " as an invitation to you to be more curious, even make guesses. He struggles to put into words how it is. If his parents are very sick it may be that his days on visit there are chaotic and he will have time for you just random. The staring without words is what I call male overload. It is a signal you said something he didn't recognice himself him in and he has no idea how to respond. You told him all that was wrong and offered him no better solution than what he is already doing, which may make him feel abandoned. I am using big words now, but believe me, that is how strong people can feel about it.

With a guy who is not good with words, you have to translate his experience back to him in order to reach him. That sounds hard, and it is, but if you manage to do that it is magic. A person who feels understood will try their best.