30+ Religious parents - and no sleeping together rule.

[aniay]

My mother just told me today that if I ever come to visit with my SO she won't allow us to sleep in the same bed under her roof. But I am very much welcome whenever.

That was a sucker punch. Seriously.... I kinda hoped that she accepted my relationship but she is still hung up on her beliefs. Her place her rules but it still hurts.

[randomnerd]

Can you get a hotel for at least part of the time?

[aniay]

Yeah, I can. Still some time till it happens but I was kinda hoping to visit with Adam next Christmas. It won't work that way.

It's more about the fact that I'm not sure how to deal with the feeling of being rejected in some way.

[differentcountries]

I would suggest hotel too but yes that would be weird for Christmas.

What are her objections to your relationship? Is it you guys not being married? Does she treat others the same way?

[Hollandia]

I don't see it as rejection, as you said it is her home. You are welcome in it as long as you follow her rules. I would have no problem if his parents said same to us, and either way, there would be no nooky with his parents in a room down the hall. I would feel the same way after marriage too. It is about respecting someone's house rules and if you ever invite her to your house, I am sure she would respect yours. I always had a rule, no guns in my house. I allowed it for my cop friends while on duty and that was it, I told everyone no, and I did get a few friends get pissy over it. My home is my castle and anyone is welcome in it, but they need to respect my wishes and beliefs or they can do as they please outside of my home.

If you cannot have rules in your own home not overshadowed by others preferences and desires, then really where can you have your own space?

[aniay]

I have "real" (which means church) wedding with my ex. I am not married to Adam, nor I am ever going to get "real" marriage with him because in my mother's eyes I am already married.

Yes she does. Guy and girl can't sleep together if they are not married, and the only real marriage is the church one.

[Ahava]

So even if you got married it would be the same case, separate rooms?
I wouldn't do anything if I stayed with my SO at mine or his parents house, but I would expect to get to sleep in the same bed next to him.

My Victorian grandparents from UK let me and my ex sleep in the same room (the beds were separate ones though, as the room has been like that always) when we weren't even married, but I wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything.

I think I do understand why you feel sad about this. I'm sure you've beaten yourself up enough about a failed marriage (I know I have) which is hard enough without someone not letting you forget and continue living.

[differentcountries]

I am sad she sees it that way. If you can't even share a bed in her house if/after you marry, it's like you can't win. She will basically never treat him like a son in law, and I guess that is what hurts, far more than the bed arrangement. I understand why you would feel rejeted by it - beause she IS rejeting his her/future son in law. If I were you, I would not want to sleep in her house. You can have Christmas at YOUR house, and invite her.

ps. Half the fun of visiting the inlaws is having sex in the place your partner grew up. Having had recent sex also makes you more nice towards people, so everyone wins.

[Hollandia]

It is still her house. If she were to have an issue in a joined vacation cottage I would have an issue, but it is her home. If these are her beliefs then it is like asking a person that believes cows are sacred to allow Big Macs at their dinner table. I would suggest a compromise spend a few days in a hotel and a few with her. Maybe someday she will past it, my mom is highly religious and after years of her objections about my brothers sexuality, she now lives with him and his BF.

[Hollandia]

I am sad she sees it that way. If you can't even share a bed in her house if/after you marry, it's like you can't win. She will basically never treat him like a son in law, and I guess that is what hurts, far more than the bed arrangement. I understand why you would feel rejeted by it - beause she IS rejeting his her/future son in law. If I were you, I would not want to sleep in her house. You can have Christmas at YOUR house, and invite her.

ps. Half the fun of visiting the inlaws is having sex in the place your partner grew up. Having had recent sex also makes you more nice towards people, so everyone wins.

I would never do this if it made them uncomfortable in their own home. It is inconsiderate and rude. If they don't care, go for it, but if they do, then respect there wishes because it is not your house, it is theirs.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Get a hotel for the duration of the visit. With strict rules like that, especially being over 21, I wouldn't want to be in her house. Get a hotel room, and then have lunches, dinners, shopping, or whatever fun things you might do with your parents AND your SO. I would make it clear that HE is a very important PRIORITY, and that you ARE together, but will accept their wishes and not sleep with him at their home. If they can't or won't accept him under those circumstances, then it's their problem. You are an adult and have a right to live your own life, and love whomever you wish, on your terms, not theirs.

[R&R]

After my lease ended earlier this year, my parents (who are almost 70) asked me to move home with them until I either moved to TX or my SO moved here. Financially, it made sense for both of us and I'm glad they aren't alone in the house anymore. My SO and I are actually looking to either get a duplex or a place with an in-law apartment so they can be with us after we close the distance.

However, this means living under their rules and that means when my SO visits, we get a place because the rules here are you don't sleep in the same bed unless you are married. I knew this when I moved back in. It has always been the rule and it doesn't change just because I am 44. I don't see it as a rejection, just respecting the rules of the house.

[aniay]

Thank you all for your input, it means a lot to me.


I think my problem is a mix of every issue included here. Her rejecting someone I chose and in a way cutting him from family (Which I regret very much)

I know it's her rules and her house and I will respect that, everyone should be able to make rules in their own place, that's what make it yours.

My SO summed it up with "Well we kinda knew it was coming". I knew but as long as the words weren't spoken I didn't have to think about them.


Thanks again.

[differentcountries]

I would never do this if it made them uncomfortable in their own home. It is inconsiderate and rude. If they don't care, go for it, but if they do, then respect there wishes because it is not your house, it is theirs.

I have never even heard of anyone telling their married children they can't have sex while on visit. I am learning something about Catholism today.

I figure, if we can share a bed we can have sex. My sister and her husband recently told me they would prefer not have sex when staying with the inlaws, and I was really surprised to hear they felt that way. Never heard any objections from any inlaws, have had sex at inlaw's house for 10 years (and my ex-inlaws house for 4 years before that). I am sure my inlwas would have complained if they were annoyed by our sex or even noticed it, because they don't even like me that much and make up excuses to complain about, so if they were uncomfortable they would not be shy to tell me. They object to all kinds of weird stuff, like me reading one newspaper as supposed to the paper they like to buy, and I can't wash my hands in the kitchen, abide by all their silly rules to please them but they have actually not asked for us to refrain from sex while we are there. We don't go to the bathroom at the same time because I know they would object to that (they hated when my brother in law and his now gf did that) so no sex in the shower though.

And I have had sex in my Turkish mother in law's house, too. She was the one who made up our bed with "I love you" bed sheets, so I serously don't think she minds.

[Hollandia]

I have never even heard of anyone telling their married children they can't have sex while on visit. I am learning something about Catholism today.

I figure, if we can share a bed we can have sex. My sister and her husband recently told me they would prefer not have sex when staying with the inlaws, and I was really surprised to hear they felt that way. Never heard any objections from any inlaws, have had sex at inlaw's house for 10 years (and my ex-inlaws house for 4 years before that). I am sure my inlwas would have complained if they were annoyed by our sex or even noticed it, because they don't even like me that much and make up excuses to complain about, so if they were uncomfortable they would not be shy to tell me. They object to all kinds of weird stuff, like me reading one newspaper as supposed to the paper they like to buy, and I can't wash my hands in the kitchen, abide by all their silly rules to please them but they have actually not asked for us to refrain from sex while we are there. We don't go to the bathroom at the same time because I know they would object to that (they hated when my brother in law and his now gf did that) so no sex in the shower though.

And I have had sex in my Turkish mother in law's house, too. She was the one who made up our bed with "I love you" bed sheets, so I serously don't think she minds.

It is not about being Catholic, my mom is not. It is about what your host is comfortable with. Would you be okay listening to your parents bang in the next room? I would not prefer it. Some mental pictures are left better off not existing. I did walk in on my parents as a teen once, and I pretty much wanted to borrow into the ground and die from it. Ugh, I hate to even think about it.

I think it is more of a cultural thing to some extent and no, I don't prefer my guests to bang in my house if I am there. I can watch porn if I want to hear it. House sitters can rock till they drop but please clean the sheets. It is just a respect thing to me, yes I put my feet on my table at home, but I would never walk into someone's home and do it unless they told me it was okay.