30+ She sees a future with me? Help!

[drbatman]

Hi folks.. little help here please. Dated a woman (35yo) for a few months...We met online and live two and a half hours away. She's in school getting her Masters degree (1 more year), has clinic hours and works a lot with late and weekend hours, so I knew it would be a challenge. Her comm. style is to talk/text every 2-3 days with a lot of content vs. every day touch base kind of thing. We became exclusive early on...

Here's where it gets squirrelly.. She was overwhelmed with her schedule and thus poorly communicated with me about making plans to see each other... then she reconnected with a friend that she's known for 12 years, emailed to dump me claiming that he's the one that got away... Turns out that it won't work because she doesn't respect him and he won't respect her (her words)..

Over the next 6 weeks I definitely tried too hard to get her back.. we did spend 2 great nights together since then and she said that we have amazing sexual chemistry (so that's good, lol)... We saw each other last Fri for a drink and she admits to being selfish and self centered. She says that she likes me and has fun with me, but it feels like too much pressure to commit to something that she can't give much to. "I'm not saying that I don't see a future with you.. I am so focused on school and work that I just have nothing to offer. I can't handle a committed relationship right now." I expressed that I would like to move forward with her at whatever pace that she is comfortable with. She did text me the next day to see how I was feeling (I had run a 1/2 marathon the day before) we had a nice 3-4 text exchange and that's it. That was a week ago Saturday and we have had no contact since. Semester started this past Monday for her.

I've never been in a situation like this.. She could have ended things completely or give me the LJBF line.The door appears to be open as she can see a future with me. I'm so scared that I'm going to screw this up.. not sure how to handle this... I know that it's obvious to give her space. I don't want it to be awkward if it goes too long without communicating though.

[Mims27]

All I can really say is take it one step and day at a time. Don't rush it. If things are meant to happen a certain way, they will. When my SO and I became exclusive we didn't have an answer to that question either; about our future together. But eventually we figured it out. Almost 5 years in we still don't live together but we know where we're going. Things have their own time.


As for her not texting/contacting you, I'm sure she's crazy busy. It sure does sound like it anyway. You can always send her a little email or text, telling her you're thinking about her and that you hope all is well. She'll probably like that. Good luck!

[drbatman]

All I can really say is take it one step and day at a time. Don't rush it. If things are meant to happen a certain way, they will. When my SO and I became exclusive we didn't have an answer to that question either; about our future together....

As for her not texting/contacting you, I'm sure she's crazy busy. It sure does sound like it anyway. You can always send her a little email or text, telling her you're thinking about her and that you hope all is well. She'll probably like that. Good luck!

I'm not sure what the next step is.. We are not exclusive/committed. If we were I would not have this anxiety and just be patient. How do I not rush it, but still move forward without pressuring her.

I did send her a text late afternoon yesterday.. She probably worked late so I have not heard back.. it said "Hi! How's it going? Wanted to hear how your first week of school went. Give me a call if you'd like to chat." Of course now I'm jumping out of my skin waiting for a reply. Hope that wasn't bad.

[differentcountries]

I am sorry, but if she is very busy, you are long distance AND not exclusive, it is probably not going to work out. She says she doesn't have the time, but many of us here has been very busy and taken the time. It is not fair for you to wait on her if she is not even committed to you.

[Petals]

Here's where it gets squirrelly.. She was overwhelmed with her schedule and thus poorly communicated with me about making plans to see each other... then she reconnected with a friend that she's known for 12 years, emailed to dump me claiming that he's the one that got away... Turns out that it won't work because she doesn't respect him and he won't respect her (her words)..

Over the next 6 weeks I definitely tried too hard to get her back.. we did spend 2 great nights together since then and she said that we have amazing sexual chemistry (so that's good, lol)... We saw each other last Fri for a drink and she admits to being selfish and self centered. She says that she likes me and has fun with me, but it feels like too much pressure to commit to something that she can't give much to. "I'm not saying that I don't see a future with you.. I am so focused on school and work that I just have nothing to offer. I can't handle a committed relationship right now."

This is my take: when you get that line from someone it usually means : I'm not THAT into you...BUT i will string you along just in case I don't end up with the love of my life. In other words, you are a nice person but I still think there's someone better out there for me and I want to keep looking.

It is not an intentional thing and I don't think she's being malicious.

What you should notice is that she dumped you for an old friend. She was not too busy for THAT person. People make time for the people and things they feel are important.

If you want to be her second choice, by all means try to pursue something with her, but if you want a relationship where your partner thinks the world of you and don't feel like they are settling, move on.

IMO, you are her back up plan and you are way too invested.

[drbatman]

What you should notice is that she dumped you for an old friend. She was not too busy for THAT person. People make time for the people and things they feel are important.

If you want to be her second choice, by all means try to pursue something with her, but if you want a relationship where your partner thinks the world of you and don't feel like they are settling, move on.

IMO, you are her back up plan and you are way too invested.[/QUOTE]

It was early in our relationship and I actually understand why she felt the need to pursue that. Yes, she actually would have been too busy for him as well. He lives in N.Y.
I don't look at it as I'm her second choice if she realizes that I'm the BETTER choice.
I honestly do think that she is too busy/stressed.. I'm asking for advice on how to proceed positively as I think with all of the challenges that this girl is worth it. Thanks. (Yes, I am way too invested)

[Petals]

What you should notice is that she dumped you for an old friend. She was not too busy for THAT person. People make time for the people and things they feel are important.

If you want to be her second choice, by all means try to pursue something with her, but if you want a relationship where your partner thinks the world of you and don't feel like they are settling, move on.

IMO, you are her back up plan and you are way too invested.

It was early in our relationship and I actually understand why she felt the need to pursue that. Yes, she actually would have been too busy for him as well. He lives in N.Y.
I don't look at it as I'm her second choice if she realizes that I'm the BETTER choice.
I honestly do think that she is too busy/stressed.. I'm asking for advice on how to proceed positively as I think with all of the challenges that this girl is worth it. Thanks. (Yes, I am way too invested)[/QUOTE]

Ok, I'm sorry if you thought my response was not in line with your positive thinking and not the answer you are seeking.

All the best.

[R&R]

Hi folks.. little help here please. Dated a woman (35yo) for a few months...We met online and live two and a half hours away. She's in school getting her Masters degree (1 more year), has clinic hours and works a lot with late and weekend hours, so I knew it would be a challenge. Her comm. style is to talk/text every 2-3 days with a lot of content vs. every day touch base kind of thing. We became exclusive early on...

Here's where it gets squirrelly.. She was overwhelmed with her schedule and thus poorly communicated with me about making plans to see each other... then she reconnected with a friend that she's known for 12 years, emailed to dump me claiming that he's the one that got away... Turns out that it won't work because she doesn't respect him and he won't respect her (her words)..

Over the next 6 weeks I definitely tried too hard to get her back.. we did spend 2 great nights together since then and she said that we have amazing sexual chemistry (so that's good, lol)... We saw each other last Fri for a drink and she admits to being selfish and self centered. She says that she likes me and has fun with me, but it feels like too much pressure to commit to something that she can't give much to. "I'm not saying that I don't see a future with you.. I am so focused on school and work that I just have nothing to offer. I can't handle a committed relationship right now." I expressed that I would like to move forward with her at whatever pace that she is comfortable with. She did text me the next day to see how I was feeling (I had run a 1/2 marathon the day before) we had a nice 3-4 text exchange and that's it. That was a week ago Saturday and we have had no contact since. Semester started this past Monday for her.

I've never been in a situation like this.. She could have ended things completely or give me the LJBF line.The door appears to be open as she can see a future with me. I'm so scared that I'm going to screw this up.. not sure how to handle this... I know that it's obvious to give her space. I don't want it to be awkward if it goes too long without communicating though.

She is telling you by her words and action that she is not ready and doesn't want anything in the way of a relationship right now. This scenario plays so often on here where the person is quite clear in what they don't want and the other person just doesn't listen. I don't mean to come across as harsh, but you are 46 years old and quite capable of understanding that an exclusive (or any type actually) relationship is not what she is looking for right now.

Let her go. Move on. Stop wasting time waiting on someone who has made it clear what she doesn't want. There is nothing for you to screw up - there isn't a relationship. And yes, the others are right, the "I'm not saying I don't see a future with you" is a way to keep you hanging on as a backup. She knows you'll just sit and wait and if she goes another route, she can say "I didn't tell you to wait for me. That was your choice". Keep in mind, she didn't say, "I DO see a future with you". Two sides of the same coin but slightly different.

[Hollandia]

You don't get to direct us on how to provide advice. You made a thread and we can respond as we see fit.

I agree with Petals, I don't see it is okay to "have a need to pursue that" an acceptable reason for breaking things off. I think it is sad you are justifying that and quite frankly you are acting like a doormat, it is okay for her to scrape her pooh on you as she walks onward to bigger and better things? You are a person not a job opportunity in one city versus another with one of you having better/worse pay or benefits. You are not a commodity, you are a human being and so was he, and she chose him over you.

Relationships are about feelings and she clearly does not have strong enough ones for you. She will also most likely dump you again if another suitor she prefers comes calling around. She has already set up that scenario by admitting she is selfish and I also don't feel she deserves all that much credit for calling herself selfish. There no excuse to be so and it does not make it any better by admitting it, changing to better yourself does. She has no intentions of that, she is just setting you up to be her fall guy again when she does.

You clearly have your mind set and any advice telling you it won't work, you won't want to hear, but these are the facts. She is just NOT that into YOU. You are a stepping stone if you don't accept this and move on, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt and disappointments and missing out on meeting a soul-mate that would respect you equally. If you ask for advice, you are going to hear it and many many times posters don't like it, but it does not make it wrong advice. Take it with a grain of salt or not and also know that LDRs require even more commitment from both parties to make them successful. Me and my SO both had to make major compromises and sacrifices to be together as have many other ones that closed the distance. Do you really see her ever being will to go to close to that extent for you? Don't you think you deserve someone that will?

One other thing. There 24 hours in a day, if you want to find 15 minutes a day for someone you can. That's a BS excuse I read time and time, pretty much always ends with them breaking up or cheating. There are reasons people skirt close communication and never usually good ones. My SO had school and full time work, was 6 hours apart and he always made time for us.

[Moon]

Walk away, man, seriously. At this point in your life, you should be experienced enough to see what's going on here. She's keeping you around or a bit of fun, she isn't looking for a real relationship with you, you are pretty much FWB, that's it. She is not a point in her life where she wants a relationship, but does want someone at her beck and call. She's told you she's self-centered and selfish, and she's already dumped you to pursue someone else, what more needs to happen here? Of course she's telling you she sees a future with you, she knows it'll keep you hanging around, and maybe she actually does, but not until she's finished having fun and has pursued all the other guys she's found interest in.

I'm sorry, I don't think you'll get much advice here that's something different than this, Helen Keller can see what's going on here, why can't you? I'd be much more gentle with you if you were 25, but I know you've been around the block a few times by now, and you're just in denial and blinding yourself because, for whatever reason, you really like her. If you continue this, you're only going to get hurt. There are plenty of other women who are both good in bed, and stable.

If she really, really wanted a relationship with you, respected you, was in any way smitten with you, she would not have gone off with that other guy. You are her backup plan. Good luck.

[Unicorn26]

You sound like a really really sweet guy. I wish there were more guys like you around.

From a female perspective, I think she's messing you about. I don't buy the "I'm too busy" thing at all. You guys are driving distance away, there's no time zone issues, are you seriously telling us that she can't find a spare 5 mins in her day to text/call/Skype you??? I'm so sorry but that's just BS. You deserve better than this, you really do!!!

My SO lives almost 4000 miles away with a 6hr time difference. It's a nightmare when he works days due to the timezone. But, he ALWAYS finds a minute to text me, always. Yesterday he had to work a double shift with no notice so we missed our normal chat time. I woke this morning to a text saying he missed me like crazy. This morning when he got to work he called me while the floor he'd just mopped was drying. It was only for 5 mins but he just wanted to hear my voice. And we are not youngsters either, we are both in our 40's.

If she's not willing to put in the effort while you're long distance, she's not going to closed distance either. I really feel for you, this woman is not worth your time. She doesn't see you as a priority. She sees you as an option. You seem like such a loving guy, all I see here is you getting hurt.

Back off, if she comes back, try to be not so available. If she really wants you she will work for it.

I really hope this works out for you, you seem way too nice to be going through this.

[differentcountries]

I have also been told by somone that I had an amazing sexual chemestry with that he couldn't handle a commited relationship (he also had an ex/current partner that he did not respect, by the way). Do you know what? He actually couldn't handle a committed relationship. There is a door open, and the name of that door is Wasting your life away.