30+ Drastic change w/in a week of temporarily going LDR while we move to another state

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

Been on the same page since the day we met, lived together for over a year and a half and tackled issues from run of the mill couple issues to potentially life changing and terrifying life set backs together by trusting one another with our hearts, lives and secrets. Spent most of our time together because we wanted to and it was always easy and never forced (even the disagreements and resolutions) because we communicated. We decided to move to his home state; the only issues were how would we make it happen as smoothly as possible and decided he would go first and get us set up down there while I wrapped up things here and hoped to be completely moved in within a year; during which, I would visit as often as I could, which would be about once every 2 months for about 2 weeks or so. We began the move and I went with him for the first month and it was business as usual, a strong and communication. The night before and the day of my return up until the moment I got onto the plane we shared how we didn't want to be without the other and how we felt lucky to have found one another because each of us made the other feel whole and as an extension of ourselves. We cried, hugged, loved, etc. and as promised I made the quick daily call just to say I love him and I miss him.

Hes staying at his dad's place which is very rural and has zero internet access outside the home and we shared a phone, so he sent it back with me, so I would be able to call him on his dad's phone to stay in touch until his is activated again. We had been separated by barely a week when he asked that I not call him every day because hearing my voice made him sad and miss me more, that unfortunately we are apart for a little bit and he needs to adjust to being apart or he feels like he just wants to cry, so he's trying to keep busy. OK, I get that, so I told him I'd call him back in about 4-5 days and he said he felt that was excessive, so shoot for 2-3 and I said okay, whatever you need. We skyped Tuesday into Wednesday morning and he asked me to call him to remind him of something later in the morning, so I did and said I love him and would talk again in a few days, but to remember I here if he wants or needs.

Later that night, I realized I left some court paperwork with him and I needed to get some information from that paperwork, in order to get it in by the end of the week, so i had to contact him Thursday. I explained the situation to his dad and was advised to contact a few family members due to the importance of why I was needing to speak with my baby, so I did and heard nothing from anyone but his cousin who used the "please have him contact me, its important" text as an opportunity to make a pass at me through a text and when denied, asked that I not tell my man (nice guy right). So I wait until Sunday afternoon to try again and when I finally get a call back (he called on his uncles phone) he sounds like he cant stand the sound of my voice and wants to get off his uncles phone so hes not tying it up. Through the course of our quick conversation, as I tried to be mindful that he is calling from someone else's phone. He said he was bombarded with "did you call her" for the past few days by several family members like I was calling all of them every day and he was getting frustrated because he was trying not to have us constantly on his mind and everywhere he went he was having me brought up. I explained, I did call Thursday on the advice of his father because time to address the court case was running out and I wanted to address the court by Friday before it was too late, but I hadn't heard anything from him, so I waited until Sunday and did not call anyone let alone everyone everyday and how I didn't like doing it, but it was important and needed to be done. I asked him to not to hold back how he feels because we never did before and now with the distance, we need to communicate so we don't create emotional distance and to please not punish me because people asked him more than once if he called because I cannot control other people or how many times they ask him something. I kept it quick and my voice loving through the whole conversation and before ending it told him about his cousin and said i don't mind if he doesn't address it because I already had, I don't want to start crud between them, but didn't feel right about not telling him about it and I still had the messages in case he at some point wanted to see them for any reason. We ended with a quick recap that he would call me tonight with the paperwork info. and he said he loves me, still wants me to come down next month, we're still solid and still on track with a future, so I told him I adore him and I would wait for his call. He didn't call.

I get that hes frustrated and trying to adjust to being apart from someone he spent everyday almost all day with, and hes overwhelmed having little to no internet access and having to borrow a phone all the time, and starting to stress over not having found work yet and moving back to a place he remembered being very different when he lived there 20 yrs ago than it is now and he may be thinking he made a wrong decision to move so quickly and go alone to try to set up camp for us instead of waiting 6 months to a year so we could go together. I get that he may be hurting and experiencing a ton of emotions and it hurts that I cant be there to help him in person, or comfort him in person or just hold him the way we got through everything else - loving and supporting and communicating. It broke my heart to hear him rush me off the phone and the way he sounded like he couldn't stand to hear my voice and couldn't get away from me fast enough. I'm so hurt by his sudden lack of interaction and communication and fear he resents me (whether he realizes it or not) for returning to take care of things back here and feels I abandoned him. The fact that I have a return date set in stone and he said we were still solid and he loves me, seems to take a backseat to the loss I feel not having that closeness we used to have due to the distance and sudden attitude change toward me when just last Wednesday we were laughing and "Us."

Any advice? Do I just sit and wait for him to come around and remember "Us" and what we have? Wait for him to call, or do I wait 4-5 days and try to contact him? I'm afraid to make the wrong choice and risk losing him.

[merlinkitty]

This is the first time you've two experienced an LDR?

I'm just clarifying, but the most glaring thing to me just reading through all this is the lack of privacy you both are experiencing. You're trying to get business done and it's taking days of calling various family members trying to get hold of him and get a call back. I'm sure by the time it got to him, he'd been nagged by half a dozen people and may have been a little put out. If affordable and feasible, it would be great if he could get his own mobile again. I don't talk to my SO much on the phone/Skype these days because he lives with his family at the moment. This allows for very little privacy and things that would be said otherwise aren't just for the fact that grandma is listening in the other room! But the thing we do have is texting, which you don't have at the moment either.

As far as the "sit and wait" question, my instinct is no. You've both been accustomed to speaking every day, now it takes effort to maintain communication. On both your parts. With all the stress he's going to need to set aside time to speak to you. And you can blame it on the people at LFAD if you want Tell him these crazy online people said communication is what's going to get you through this Where before you may have been able to sit on the couch and rub each other's backs, now you're going to have to figure out how to do that verbally. The longer you go without communication, the more likely doubts will surface, nag, and come to destroy your relationship.

And while we're talking about communication, what is up with the cousin?? That's disgusting! Totally disrespectful to his family. It may not be great to drop that on him during all the stress, but I definitely would if the guy tried that again. I definitely wouldn't be going through him to find your man again, though. Yikes!

I want you to understand that this is going to take both of you working together and communicating. This can't be one sided. I don't know what kind of relationship you two had prior to this, but it does sound very close. But now that he can't see you, you're going to have to tell him in greater detail how you feel, like when he rushes you off the phone like that. And you'll have to be understanding that sometimes just aren't a great time for him to talk. While he's feeling sad when he hears your voice, or rushing you off the phone when he's at his uncle's, he's still going to need to make time for you. It would be ideal if he had his own phone again, but either case, some compromise needs to be met. 4-5 days seems a lot to me. I text my SO pretty much every day, even it's just a few lines. I know you don't have that luxury right now, but this is going to be how you two "touch" when you're apart, so make sure you find some balance that keeps that touch in place.

As always, we're a big group of people from wide backgrounds going through very similar kinds of issues. Hopefully you'll find the support here helpful and welcome to LFAD

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

I figured I'd give him a day or so to himself without calling him, since this all happened just yesterday. This way he can breathe and have a day or 2 without being questioned if he called me and without feeling strange about using someone else's phone. Then I would send him a message on skype or his texting app (so he may be able to see it if he's at his dad's) just saying I love him and maybe write him a love letter and enclose enough to activate his phone before I mail it to him, reminding him of all the things I love about him and "Us" and then we can message and play online games and such. Because up until I came back here we rarely were apart and we truly do enjoy one another's company. From the first night I was back here I was lost, expecting him to walk through the door. I would start to say something to him and he wasn't there and I still don't sleep well with him not by my side, but its getting better little by little. Since the day we met, we spoke every day and haven't spent one night apart, since the day we began dating; I sleep with a t shirt he wore the day before I came back here, just so I can smell him while I sleep. During the day we were physically separated no longer than a work day and even texted occasionally throughout the day; it just flowed so nicely, even when we didn't agree. So, to hear him sound like he needed to just get away as fast as he could was heartbreaking. I'm still numb from that call.

[differentcountries]

What is the time span? Visiting every two months for a year? You said visit two months every two weeks which is a bit confusing...

Know that a lot of especially guys are like that at certain phases in an LDR. The nights before I visit, my boyfriend of more than a year acts like he doesn't even like me. I know it is just a phase and it always passes. My limit is two weeks, I can put up with shitty /distant behaviour for that ammount of time, after that I just want to kill him. My SO gets very absorbered in what he does, so we deal with this a lot. I am sure that close distance we would not have these problems to this extent, but we have to deal with them now.

And you need to too - get over the fact that everything used to be so lovely. This is part of your SO, too! It is better to learn about his way of dealing with stress and conflict now than when you have a kid or something similar. Think of this as practice! If you nail the LD you will know each other so much better.

[merlinkitty]

Differentcountries pretty much hit it this is your new reality and you two get to work on your communication skills. My SO holds the communication bar high, which I am very grateful for. LD is going to bring a new dynamic to your relationship with a great reward. You have a chance to get to know each other in a way that's just not thought about in a usual relationship.

I think you've got a good plan on what to do next. I mean, I get it. This isn't easy and you've both got the added issue that you're used to being around each other. To suddenly have that gone, you try to behave the same way as before, but the game has altered a bit and you'll need to move and alter with it.

All over this website are different ideas of activities and things you can do to kind of keep things lively. Do what works best for you both Don't let him treat you like crud, but try not to take things too personally. If you have a problem with how something is going, speak up! And work on a solution that will satisfy you both. It's okay to be sad and miss each other, but don't let that be the driving force of the relationship. Keep your communication open so you can keep that "touch" still out there.

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

The tie span is we are hoping to be completely moved down there by the beginning of the new school year in August/September while in the mean time I visit back and forth every 2 months for 2 weeks or so at a time. Not a very long term LDR I know, but still stressful. haha

While I don't like hearing you understand from experience, I'm grateful you do and can share that because it makes me feel not so alone. Mine also gets caught up in what he does, and being distant, its harder to see this is a possible reason for his interaction being less than normal, since I cant lay my eyes on him. Its the issue of, I know when hes not feeling himself and gets depressed or feels he needs support he tends to need to regroup before coming back to address whatever the stressor is. This is a part of him I'm familiar with, but being close enough to see it and help one another immediately when we recognize it is so much easier to do. The distance doesn't allow me to see as much, so knowing he's hurting or sad, or overwhelmed, or whatever and knowing I can't do the normal things that work drives me nuts. Between us we have 3 kids and even them little buggers (for me) are easier to deal with then this. haha

Thank you so much!

[differentcountries]

The tie span is we are hoping to be completely moved down there by the beginning of the new school year in August/September while in the mean time I visit back and forth every 2 months for 2 weeks or so at a time. Not a very long term LDR I know, but still stressful. haha

While I don't like hearing you understand from experience, I'm grateful you do and can share that because it makes me feel not so alone. Mine also gets caught up in what he does, and being distant, its harder to see this is a possible reason for his interaction being less than normal, since I cant lay my eyes on him. Its the issue of, I know when hes not feeling himself and gets depressed or feels he needs support he tends to need to regroup before coming back to address whatever the stressor is. This is a part of him I'm familiar with, but being close enough to see it and help one another immediately when we recognize it is so much easier to do. The distance doesn't allow me to see as much, so knowing he's hurting or sad, or overwhelmed, or whatever and knowing I can't do the normal things that work drives me nuts. Between us we have 3 kids and even them little buggers (for me) are easier to deal with then this. haha

Thank you so much!

Oh, you mean that you will STAY with him 2 weeks at a time each visit! I guess I didn't quite that because that is an unusual way of doing it. I see my SO about a week every month, which ammounts to almost the same as you seeing him for 2 weeks at a time, every 2 months. To be in a LDR for 7-8 months is not a lot, but at the same time the short time span makes a challenge for you. For us, the first 8 months were the hardest because then we were getting to know each other and building routines.

One of the things that helped me the most, was actually....DIY. I made him so much, much stuff! Books, especially. I did like half the stuff you will find in the gift section here. And he feels SO loved because none of the other gfs of his mates does anything like it - and I have never even done much besides writing letters before I met him! So LD can be a blessing.

Also, I don't know if you have done this, but empathic communication, giraffe language and non-violent communication.... It has helped us so, so much. I tend to get angry and he tends to just dissapear from conflicts, so using NVC is like having another person present to mediate between you all the time...it is lovely. I am part of a practice group who does this, although everyone can just buy the book "Non violent communication" by Rosenberg and get started themselves.

[whatruckus]

Oh, you mean that you will STAY with him 2 weeks at a time each visit! I guess I didn't quite that because that is an unusual way of doing it. I see my SO about a week every month, which ammounts to almost the same as you seeing him for 2 weeks at a time, every 2 months. To be in a LDR for 7-8 months is not a lot, but at the same time the short time span makes a challenge for you. For us, the first 8 months were the hardest because then we were getting to know each other and building routines.

One of the things that helped me the most, was actually....DIY. I made him so much, much stuff! Books, especially. I did like half the stuff you will find in the gift section here. And he feels SO loved because none of the other gfs of his mates does anything like it - and I have never even done much besides writing letters before I met him! So LD can be a blessing.

Also, I don't know if you have done this, but empathic communication, giraffe language and non-violent communication.... It has helped us so, so much. I tend to get angry and he tends to just dissapear from conflicts, so using NVC is like having another person present to mediate between you all the time...it is lovely. I am part of a practice group who does this, although everyone can just buy the book "Non violent communication" by Rosenberg and get started themselves.

I didn't catch the part about the visits either. I thought she meant every 2 weeks - 2 months they'd have a visit.

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

I'm usually very driven by creating stuff, since before I became a therapist I supported myself through my artwork. Now that we're apart my creative spark has not only dimmed quite a bit (not for long I'm sure), but I have become lost at navigating the relationship as well; even though I can still tell others how to fix theirs, which I find ironic. He does the same non confrontational, "head in the sand, so I cant see it till its gone" thing, so I've learned when he begins to distance, I need to let him know I acknowledge and respect his need for space because I love him and if he needs me, I'm here for him, which usually lands him in my arms pretty quickly. If I don't respect his need for space and chase after him or hound him, he tends to feel trapped and communication shuts down. I'm fortunate enough to have a guy who doesn't use the name calling, dirty, low blow argument style and its a blessing all its own because it helps keep focus on the issue at hand rather than reopening old wounds. I'm just going back and forth with the timing and such at the moment like, how much time to give him to allow him to regroup and catch a breath (assuming he doesn't contact me first) before I contact him. Then I wonder, maybe I'll just begin with little messages and ease him back into opening communication without overwhelming him and it begins to be a cycle which leads to more non-communication then actual communication. But that will have to be felt out...

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

I had been in one for about 1 1/2 yrs before we moved in together and that lasted another year or so, but that was so much easier. We saw one another maybe 2 or 3 times in that 1 1/2 yrs and played online games, chatted, texted, called, whatever. If we didn't contact one another for a day or few, it wasn't a big deal. He and I get along very well to this day - I consider him to be one of my strongest shoulders to lean on when I've been in need.


Just an update from the original post about giving him a day or 2 to himself, to regroup and breathe...
Day #1 and still no word, so send good ju-ju for him to be using the time to find his way out of the fog, rather than get lost further in

[differentcountries]

I'm just going back and forth with the timing and such at the moment like, how much time to give him to allow him to regroup and catch a breath (assuming he doesn't contact me first) before I contact him. Then I wonder, maybe I'll just begin with little messages and ease him back into opening communication without overwhelming him and it begins to be a cycle which leads to more non-communication then actual communication. But that will have to be felt out...

I sense that you take care not to step on his toes, which is really a great attitude to have. I just wonder if there is an easier way. I tiptoed around SO a lot in the beginning, which was great because he didn't feel too overwealmed to not go on. It worked, but I looked upon it as investment - life with my husband was a little like that in the beginning too. At some point, though, you need the extra energy for other things. When we get a kid, I can't tiptoe around any guy, I need to be able to be short and still not unfair or sharp or overwealming someone, and they have to help me do that and also take care of my needs. What I find is important is... showing that it is ok to be wrong. I even throw in an extra bone of being wrong sometimes, just because I know that makes SO feels seen, that I can endure sometimes being the one to blame. But I also expect of him that I can tell him: honey, I miss you, can you do x so that I can feel close to you? or sweetie, I am very confused here, can you help me get some understanding and clairity about what is going on? I accepts his faults, but I also expect him to realize they are his faults and to be thankful when I go out of my way to fix things (I always do the tickets, for instance). SO has a saying "you have to see things from my side", to which I often reply: "I can do that, if you can explain what it is like for you because I will not know unless you tell me".

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

Well, I found out what happened.. and wow is it disturbing...

The sudden coldness, distance and constantly saying I "abandoned" him and if I cared I "wouldn't have left" him (even though I was only doing what he asked and we had decided upon) ended up with him moving in with and sleeping with his wheelchair bound cousin whom he told me he was only staying with on and off so it looked good to his probation officer - his "helping a disabled person." Less than a week it took them to do this, and then to top it off... she calls me the night before his next court date demanding I do something to postpone it because since he's been there he's begun drinking heavily, started doing drugs and totaled her vehicle; things he didn't do when he was with me for the past few years. Then she blamed me for his behavior! On top of this, she apparently she never bothered to find out anything like who his attorney was, or anything else about his court stuff and demanded I not tell anyone she called because shes been telling his family shes got everything under control - obviously not! Why the hell would I help him out after what he's done? And only after a week? SOOOOO disappointed and feeling like I spent the last few years working toward building a life with this man only for him to give it away to someone else in the blink of an eye. He did show me he's not someone I can count on if it took him less than a week and he could pull such a 180 and no one including friends we've had who've known him for years can understand why. BLEH!!!

[differentcountries]

It is not always easy to understand why people behave the way they do. But it does sound like he has abandonment issues and other issues that were triggered by the situation. And he dealt with those difficult feelings by cheating and getting himself into trouble, like a kid misbehaving to get extra attention, and even dragged his cousin into it. You are right, it does show his issues. Everyone wants to blame other people, that's just human nature, it is just her way of asking for favours in a situation where she lost control. The two of you have broken up, right? If she is his new live-in girlfriend, then he is now her problem, good luck to her.

[Lilith.L.Mactans]

I agree with just about everything you said except for dragging his cousin into it. When I was in her presence you could see she definitely had a thing for him and would do just about anything to get his attention. At first he would just say "she's my cousin, and I think you're misreading it all." He didn't act any different around her than he did anyone else, so I figured okay, its just a crush and he's not dumb enough to fall for it and all her poor helpless disabled me antics while at the same time spouting off about how independent she was. Well, when he was sober that was the feeling I got from him and he's never hidden any feelings of thinking another person was attractive nor did he hide when he noticed someone seeming to be attracted to him. The day I left I saw messages from her to him about drinking almost daily as well as almost every evening (his messages were still sent to my phone as well - something I think she was completely unaware of and he had forgotten). His responses were kind but not icky and that's when I noticed every time I did call for anything he was always passed out drunk at 11am or so according to his uncle or whatever family member had answered the phone that day and wow did they (noticeably drunk themselves) not spare details about how they were feeling bad about letting him in on the drinking the way they did because he just cant handle it and never seems to know what he does or did when he wakes up. -BELIEVE ME NONE OF THIS IS AN EXCUSE, ONLY WHAT HAPPENED. I know he's supposed to be an adult so all of this crappy behavior is shared by the both of them - The days leading up to her hanging around him after I left were when we did talk and he did say he was sad and that his family was trying to get him to drink and forget things and relax, but his not falling right into line with that dumb idea didn't last long did it? I started to get messages from her about how shes taking good care of him, hes fine, hes great, shes never better now... But according to his father who seemed to be the only one appalled by his behavior and constant sorrow drowning, he had been acting a fool since the cousin began hanging around, began drinking heavy with her because she was buying as he had no employment at the time and therefore no money, and even his dad said the messages I was getting sounded messed up and he doesn't know what she was trying to pull or start. So, I think it was more a case of his cousin being a foul human being in the first place to encourage the behavior and use it to her advantage to bad mouth me and our relationship (the messages she somehow had deleted, I kept to show him to prove I was not making up that she had ulterior motives), further her own interests, and to me the whole thing is disgusting. and yes he should have been a man, but unfortunately he wasn't. I do think he has issues with being alone as evidenced by his statements of being "abandoned" and "left" and I really think he resents me for what he thinks was my abandoning him. I also think to him, it rationalizes his horrid behavior and snatching onto the first thing that presented itself so he wouldn't be alone which is pathetic enough, but made even more so by the way everything was done. I know I'm rambling now, and I'll stop, but I'm just so disappointed and just had to put it out there that although hes proven himself to be less than a man; she was and is NO VICTIM and was not dragged into anything she didn't want to be involved with. Thanks for all your kind words and support - you have no idea how much they mean. SO GLAD I FOUND OUT NOW INSTEAD OF AFTER FINISHING THE MOVE!!!

[differentcountries]

Nobody really knows what happened exept the two of them.of course she is an adult making her own decitions. I just mean that whatever he has going for him he includes other people into it, including you as well. It is good that you can see the perk in finding this out now, although I am sorry things ended like this.