30+ SO's weight issues and the toothache rule.

[aniay]

My SO tends to whine about his weight. He used to be very overweight and lost A LOT of weight few years ago.

Now he stopped exercising as much, eats more and whines that he gains weight/not loosing weight.

He is not eating almost any vegies. (but potatos and roasted parsnips)

I am PMSing and I just plain told him to either change something or stop whining and he got all sulky. He complains that whenever I'm telling hims something I am not sugarcoating it and sulks whenever I apply my atomic-bomb-grade-subtelity. He lost his weight with just exercising once, I really admire it about him but he keeps being stuck in his head that he can eat as he is, exercise twice a week and he should be loosing weight.

He wants changes but he doesn't actually want to change anything about his habits.

I told him once (like a year ago) he sulked, so whenever he was complaining i was sitting quiet. Today I exploded again and he got all hurt and ssulky again and I just don't know what to do.

For most people when they complain about something they CAN change again and again and again without doing anything I just tend to ignore them. I am investing emotionally in each such case and try to help or at least try encourage them to do something. But they end up whining and not changing anything at some point i just start to avoid them. I don't want to do that to my SO.

I do like to whine myself but it's usually about the things i can't do anything about, when I do whine about changable things i expect my friends to tell me to get my sh** together and do something about it.
And I have a rule than when someone is complaining about toothache but are not willing about going to the dentist with it I don't want to listen to them. So I told him exactly that. Stop whining about not being able to change something if you are not really doing anything to change it. I told him I love him as he is.

The hurt puppy look he had when he said goodnight to me was piercingly painfull.

I am at total loss what should i do with it.

[merlinkitty]

I'm in the same boat with you. Everyone needs a whine here and there. Just a vent to let it loose, but when it becomes a daily "ugh I don't like my job," "ugh I don't like how my hair looks," "ugh my toilet is dirty," and on and on but refuse to do anything about it? I kind of react the same way. The pouting is like the icing on the crap cake. It's also how a child behaves. You could try this, give him a warning. Say "if you're going to pout, I'm going to walk away for a bit until you can sort yourself out again. I don't do pouting. If you decide you want to do something about this, that's different. You have my full support, but you're capable of more than you're giving yourself credit for and I won't accept that you can't do this." Sticking around it is just going to annoy you and give him what he wants. If he's going to behave like a five year old, put that boy in time out! Lol just kidding, but you get the point.

My dad is like this and I've been so proud of my mom. I mean yeah sometimes she's called me at some random hours wanting to hangout! But she's also not encouraging bad behavior. He's started apologizing for misbehaving when she gets home lol I know you don't want to do what to do that to him, but the only difference is that he knows what's going to happen if he does start whining again so he's at least not shocked by it.

It's not much different than what you suggested so sorry! But I just don't have the patience for people's (even when they're SO's) crap.

[Petals]

Yup, I feel you! I can't stand people who do nothing but complain, yet do nothing or very little to change the situation. I've had friends who do it and I tell them lovingly that I would prefer not to hear about the issue since they do not intend to take concrete steps to resolve it.


On the other hand, my fiancé vents to me a lot about work or just about anything because I'm one of the few people he will allow to see his vulnerable side (I love my fiery man!). Initially, I would get caught up in his mini crisis and try to help him solve it, but then he would get over it in no time and I'm left still caught up in the issue. This happened because I'm a sensitive person and I tend to be easily affected by my environment. Anyways, I have learned to detach when he's venting. I will listen and offer support (yes hun, I understand; you have a right to be upset; how will you resolve the issue? etc), but I do not get caught up in finding a solution nor get sucked into his emotional response, because I know he will find a way to resolve his own issues.

We also came to an agreement that he will tell me explicitly when it's really a crisis or when he definitely needs me to have an input in finding a solution. In this way, I know when to invest emotionally lol.

Maybe you could come to an agreement like my fiancé and I did. You learn to detach from the conversation that revolves around weight loss, but when he wants your input he should clearly state that he's asking for advice and wants to change something. Or you could tell him 'lovingly' that you would prefer not to hear about his weightloss struggles because you get annoyed that he's not doing what's necessary to keep the weight off. Tell him to discuss that issue with someone else.

I don't think the message is the problem, but more so the delivery. Speak with love, compassion and understanding.

[differentcountries]

I am divided in this issue. I tend to be pretty hard on myself in the no-whine section, and I come from a family of no complainers on both sides (especially my mum's family is what I like to call "I go right on, no matter what life's bumps", after the child game with the same name).On the other hand, I know from experience that it soothes a lot of people to be able to speak about their concerns, to either change things or just be able to stand life.

It seems to me that a lot of people with "weight issues" really have mild eating disorders, and there is an emotional reason why they eat. I find this to be true about my own dad, who managed to loose a lot of weight but later but it back on. I am trying now to actually help him by easing his burden - he takes care of my mum who is quite sick, and me and my husband will buy a flat right next to them so I can take care of my mum too (I am the eldest child).

I recognize the "hurt dog" look in my SO and really lots of men. I don't know any girls who express pain this way. I think this is because girls are used to sharing, while it is more of a treat for guys and so they are more prone to feel really abandoned if not heard and seen.

SO has whined to me about most things, and as strange as it sounds, I feel very privilidged that he wants to whine to me! He is the sweetest, most caring guy, and that is actually a problem for him because he doesn't like to share his problems with people because he wants them to feel comfortable. He works in the service industry, some of his friends are also his guests which means they are used to him taking care of them emotionally and so on. I have made up something that makes his whining efficient! Before, he could go on and on with boring details about things that could not easily be fixed. Now we have a system where he basicically gives me the headlines and I tell him Poor you... or My poor, poor man! I guess other people might find this condecending, but he really likes me to mother him like that and it feels very rewarding to me too, kind of like he is putting his head in my lap and just giving out a real big sigh.

I can see your frustration if you feel he is walking around in circles and making you watch.... Perhaps you can make him engage in suggetions with you for things he can do, or ways he could feel more soothed with you.

I am a big fan of the non violent communication-theories. There noone is childish; everything everybody does and says has a purpose - it speaks of a genuine need. Sometimes people don't know what they want or how to communicate what they want, so they might come across as demanding things, perhaps other things than what they need even. There are lots of ways of putting sound boundries for yourself while still taking care of other people, or letting them take care of themselves.

Me and SO have this line: "Can I make a suggestion?..." That is our signal for that whatever comes after that point is anything goes, but also nothing has to be accepted, so that it is a little playful and also engages both of us. We go back and forward between the different suggestions, totally uncommiting. Then, when there is something that we like, we start to talk more about that and in the end when something is suffenciently satisfying to both of us; "that sounds like a plan". But even our plans are constantly reviewed and talked over again. We do this for visits, future plans, health changes, dinner plans, his education...even our style of communication itself we talk over like this. I find that this way of talking about our issues prevents me from becoming angry and stern, while at the same time prevents him from getting hurt or distant. We are so used to talking like this that he has even started to initiate this style of communication. And...less frustrations also means less whining, because he can actually talk proper about his issues with me.