30+ Any advice would surely be appreciated

[Peres]

Dear posters

I never thought I would do this, but I would really like some advice from experienced people who have been in a similar situation as mine.

I have been in a LDR with a South American lady for more than year and we have met three times until now, once for 5 weeks, once for three weeks and another time for two weeks. We really love each other and we are both really fond of each other in many ways: sexually, emotionally, intellectually etc... however we have some serious problems.

We are both very well successful in our careers and we both don't like the idea of moving to each other's respective country, however she decided that she was ready to make such a sacrifice and join me in my country. She, being a successful scientist and medical specialist in her country has to start her career from scratch once she moves to my country and of course I acknowledge that this is a big sacrifice for her. This gives her some risks and jeopardises her potential. Since she made this decision, she has been quite cold and distant with me and she rarely finds time to communicate and engage with me emotionally either by writing or simply speaking to me over the phone on skype. After keeping it all in for some time, with my frustration increasing, I got angry with her and started an argument which escalated with both of us being cruel to each other.

She has now said she doesn't want to continue this relationship because it is not rational and we are hurting each other and I fully agree that it is not rational, however the thought that I would loose her terrifies me very much. I really feel I have met the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world and somehow I still have hope she would decide to move with me.

Money is not the problem in this issue, and the problem is really that we both value highly our careers to trade them for an ever lasting loving relationship. Is this normal?

After the very big argument, we said we will break up but I am suddenly begging her to come back to me and she feels very confused. We both are. I have a booked ticket for March to visit her, but I am not certain if I will visit her. She told me that I can visit her as a friend and I told her I wouldn't like that. If we will remain friends, I will cancel my trip but that has again confused her even more and now she is doubting whether she has really called it quits.

I know that the most rational thing would be to forget about everything, but I don't think this is just about being rational. I need your advice.

Thanks

[Moon]

I wonder if either of you could truly be happy, and free of resentment, in the other's country? If you are both very career-driven people, that find great satisfaction and happiness from your work, sadly the answer to that might be no. Usually, her degrees and credentials won't be considered in Europe, and you'll find plenty of scientist immigrants working in your local restaurants. For some people, they can live with that, but not everybody. Sometimes love just isn't enough, and closing the distance isn't as black and white as people like to make it out to be (looking at YOU, love conquers all people!).

You both really need to consider if it's even remotely possible for whomever moves to be able to live a resentful-free existence, because resentment will eventually kill your relationship. You've been in this for a year now, would either of you be OK with not worrying about closing the distance for another year, continuing the relationship, and then seeing how you feel then? Closing the distance as soon as humanly possible isn't always the ideal thing to do, it can cause people to make dumb, irrational decisions. If you're both ready to be settled, and can't take doing distance anymore, well then I guess you've got a big decision to make. Good luck.

[merlinkitty]

Argh! SO messaged me, I looked something up he mentioned, and I lost my whole response to you -_- bless him lol

Anyway!

Money is not the problem in this issue, and the problem is really that we both value highly our careers to trade them for an ever lasting loving relationship. Is this normal?

I think you're asking the wrong question. I don't think "is this normal" is the right thing you should be wondering. You're questioning something that obviously means a lot to you. You two have already had this discussion, but ask yourself this again, "am I willing to give up my career to be with her?"

If the answer to that question is "no" I think that's a perfectly reasonable response. Contrary to popular belief, love is not enough and will not conquer all. Let's just say for example the table is turned. You give up your career to move to her. You find something comparable, but you run a risk that you won't find the same fulfillment that you do now. How do you respond to it? Do you say "hey, it's okay, this was just the cost of being with the person I love," or do you say, "I really hate my job, I wish I'd never given it up to be with her."

Careers are really a lot like life long loves. You make a commitment to being with that job until you retire typically. I think the majority of us spend about 30 to 40 years of our lives in our careers. That's a pretty long marriage.

I think you should be rational about your decisions in this. Emotions are the least rational things we have. We just feel them. Sometimes we make really good decisions based off them. sometimes we don't. But it's important to try and take our heads out of the clouds and sort through the rational pieces of this.

If she just wants to continue as friends, I would cancel my trip. Like you mentioned, it just confuses things. If you two continue someone is going to have to sacrifice something. There is a cost for everything and I guess you have to determine is the cost worth it.

You've been in this for a year now, would either of you be OK with not worrying about closing the distance for another year, continuing the relationship, and then seeing how you feel then? Closing the distance as soon as humanly possible isn't always the ideal thing to do, it can cause people to make dumb, irrational decisions. If you're both ready to be settled, and can't take doing distance anymore, well then I guess you've got a big decision to make. Good luck.

And what Moon said

[Peres]

Thank you for your posts. I am digesting what you have just advised to me and will come back later to share my experience again. More suggestions are really appreciated. Thank you again.

[Petals]

Visit her as planned in March to discuss this issue face to face then make a final decision. Her withdrawal after her decision to move to you demonstrates her anxiety about uprooting her life/career to move for a relationship. When you react with anger instead of love and support, her fears intensified and it didn't seem logical to move for a relationship that appears unstable. I don't blame her for feeling that way...why make the sacrifice when cracks are emerging in the relationship.

If you want her to consider continuing the relationship and moving to you, she needs to feel that you are highly compatible and the benefits of being in a relationship with you outweighs the sacrifices she will have to make to close the distance. Is marriage on the cards at some point? At her age and the level of career setback she will experience, I know I wouldn't relocate without a stronger commitment.

[p_b82]

Having been staring down the 'I am the one that has to uproot everything' barrel I think I might be able to give some additional perspective to what has already been said.

When you move, you are not just uprooting your career, you are uprooting everything that you know. You are leaving everything behind, friends, finances, culture, family etc..... the job is just one small aspect.

If you get into a 'discussion' about it all, and the other person starts to go on the offensive, when they are giving up everything else, it will make them question everything. Being cruel to each other was not the right thing to do at all, but you have to ask why you both did it?

Are there already cracks in the relationship? Why is this such a big deal, and why the rush? Are you both actually compatible? Why are you not willing to move?

my now ex and I knew each other exceptionally well as friends for 3 years before we got romantically involved, and it has not worked out after 6 months together. The love was there, but it was not 'enough' to make it work for us both.

If there are any feelings of resentment about doing something for some-one else, then it is not the right decision. This goes for anything in life imo, you have to want to do it for yourself, and if you don't want to do it for yourself, then IMO don't ever do it.

i wanted my now ex to hold off making a decision about us, and come over in end march/april to discuss things face to face, she decided that she did not want to do that, as she didn't think she could make it work, even if we spoke to each other about things. she was right as then it is a really 'horrible' trip where neither of you are happy, and one of you is stuck in the place you don't want to be maybe waiting to get a flight home.

So I would suggest you two work out if you are an item or not before you travel, if you are not. then IMO don't go, it will be too soon.